A Bad Joke

[pflash4001]

How many lead vocalist (or guitarists) does it take to change a light bulb?

One-he/she just holds it up int the air and the world revolves around them.

 

[David Jayne]

How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.
One to change it, and another to write a song about how great the old bulb was.

 

[David Jayne]

Try this one at your next gig: "we've gotten a few requests, but we've decided to keep playing anyway."

 

[Truktek2]

What's big, red, hairy and eats rocks?
A big, red, hairy rock eater.

What's brown and can be found in a baby's diaper?
Michael Jackson's hand.

 

[David Jayne]

What's big, red, hairy and eats rocks?
A big, red, hairy rock eater.

What's brown and can be found in a baby's diaper?
Michael Jackson's hand.

Ok that's just wrong.

 

[michaelandrew]

A grizzly bear goes into a bar - says to the bartender - "I'll have a gin and.....................<long silence>............................tonic."
Bartender says - "Sure thing, Mr. Bear, but why the enormous pause?"

("enormous paws", get it?)

 

[Reaper Man]

Boy walks up to his dad and says, "Dad, can I have $2 for a guinea pig?"

Dad responds: "Here's $10, get a good Irish lass."

Joke is a bit old- may want to update prices

 

[Truktek2]

Ok that's just wrong.

Dude, it's just a rock eater..

 

[halfjackson]

Q: What's the difference between God and trumpet players?
A: God knows that he can't play trumpet.

 

[Awesome Sauce]

Boy walks up to his dad and says, "Dad, can I have [DEL]$2[/DEL] $20 for a guinea pig?"

Dad responds: "Here's $[DEL]10[/DEL] $2.50, get a good Irish lass."

Joke is a bit old- may want to update prices

Done.

 

[Bassmanbob]

My wife is terrible. She doesn't give me any loving. When we said our vows I said, "I do" and she said, "I did!"

 

[I_LIEK_BASE]

Here's one that I made up that I like to tell on stage. Q: "Who invented the Nacho Bell Grande?" A: "Alexander GRAND Bell!!!" Then I usually have to explain the joke...not because people don't get it, but because it's not funny and I think explaining it helps (it doesn't)

 

[iridiumrocks]

When my grandmother turned 70 she started walking 5 miles a day. She's now 82 and we have no idea where she is...........

My doctor told me to jog 5 miles a day for 2 weeks. I called him and said "Doc I'm 70 miles from my house!".
--Rodney Dangerfield

If people didn't laugh, he told them they need to learn how to multiply.

 

[iridiumrocks]

What do you name a girl with one leg?


Eileen.


Ba-dum-pshhhh.

I was madder than a one-legged waitress working at Ihop
--Larry The Cable Guy

 

[Munjibunga]

What's god's favorite chord?
Gsus​.

Anyway, here's a reprise of the German jokes that went around the 'net a couple years ago. I love these.

GERMAN JOKES

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house."
The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidize her drug habit."

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off. [This is my favorite]

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

 

[Munjibunga]

What's big, red, hairy and eats rocks?
A big, red, hairy rock eater.

What's brown and can be found in a baby's diaper?
Michael Jackson's hand.

What's green and carries a rifle?
Mucus McCain.

 

[Munjibunga]

OK.
Why did the baby cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the baby.

Yeah, I know.

Why did the armadillo ['possum, skunk, rabbit] cross the road?
To show that it could be done.

 

[iridiumrocks]

The sign on the bar said "Topless and Bottomless". I went inside and there was no one there.
When you went into the bar you went down 2 steps - physically and socially.

--Rodney Dangerfield

 

[Munjibunga]

One night with a fairly poor turnout, I told the audience they had to be nice to us because we outnumbered them.

OK, that's enough for now.

That's when you invoke the "band:audience ratio rule." When the number of people in the audience divided by the number of people in the band is less than one, the gig is over.

 

[Munjibunga]

Always feeding the crowds lots of humor, like "here is a song we wrote on our world wide tour" (play in a covers band).
or
Who wants to hear "xxx song?", well sorry we don't do it.
or
just really distateful jokes like.
"Why is a truck load of babies easier to unload than a truck load of bricks?"
[It's not very easy to move bricks with a pitch fork !!]

Why do babies have a soft spot on the top of their heads?
So you can carry five with one hand.

Now THAT's bad.