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A Bad Joke
- Thread starter brlottermann
- Start date
Bassist4Eris
Frat-Pack Sympathizer
A "I have a knock-knock joke."
B "OK, let's hear it."
A "Sure thing! You start."
B "Alright. Knock-knock?"
A "Who's there?"
B ".........."
All righty then. My two favorite knock-knock jokes:
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The interrupting cow.
The interrup...
MOOO.
And...
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
A bit long, but worth it imo.
A man walks into a bar, and there's a horse at the end of the bar with a sign that reads: "Make the horse laugh, win $200."
The man walks up to the horse and whispers in his ear, the horse laughs. The man collects his money and leaves.
A week later the man returns and the horse is there again with a different sign that read: "Make the horse cry, win $200." So, he walks over to the horse and it starts crying.
When the man goes to collect his money, the bartender asks "How'd you do it?" The man replied "Last week I told him mine was bigger than his.... This week I showed him.
A man walks into a bar, and there's a horse at the end of the bar with a sign that reads: "Make the horse laugh, win $200."
The man walks up to the horse and whispers in his ear, the horse laughs. The man collects his money and leaves.
A week later the man returns and the horse is there again with a different sign that read: "Make the horse cry, win $200." So, he walks over to the horse and it starts crying.
When the man goes to collect his money, the bartender asks "How'd you do it?" The man replied "Last week I told him mine was bigger than his.... This week I showed him.
A reporter asked a marine sniper 'what he felt when he was shooting terrorists?'
The sniper answered, 'Recoil.'
Two flies are chowing on a turd.
The one fly lets rip with a fart and starts laughing....
Second fly says "F OFF....I'm trying to eat here!"
Then there was this gay guy who got fired from the sperm bank....
They caught him drinking on the job.....
A woman walks into a bar. She looks around and approaches me. She says, "Hi, my name is Carmen."
I reply, "What a beautiful name. Is it a family name?"
"No, I gave it to myself. It combines my favorite things, cars and men. What's your name?"
"B.J. Titsanddarts."
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Did you hear about the scarecrow who won awards?
He was out standing in his field.
The sniper answered, 'Recoil.'
Two flies are chowing on a turd.
The one fly lets rip with a fart and starts laughing....
Second fly says "F OFF....I'm trying to eat here!"
Then there was this gay guy who got fired from the sperm bank....
They caught him drinking on the job.....
A woman walks into a bar. She looks around and approaches me. She says, "Hi, my name is Carmen."
I reply, "What a beautiful name. Is it a family name?"
"No, I gave it to myself. It combines my favorite things, cars and men. What's your name?"
"B.J. Titsanddarts."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won awards?
He was out standing in his field.
I was madder than a one-legged waitress working at Ihop
--Larry The Cable Guy
It may not pay that great but she'll always be tipped well.
A young racing horse, an old veteran racing horse and the stable boy's black lab are sitting in the stable one night. The old horse says to the young one "I know you're on a streak and all, but tomorrow's my last race. If I do well it'll be a nice pasture to retire to for me to live out my days, but if I do poorly I'm afraid it's off to the old stable in the sky or, worse, the glue factory. Do you think you could do me a solid and hold back in the last leg to give me a one-up on you, just this once?"
To which the young horse responds "I'm sorry that that's the way it has to be, old man, but I can't just blow a streak like that, who knows how much longer I've got myself."
To this, the dog looks up and responds "So you mean to say that a measly streak, already impressive as it is, is more important to you than the life of this horse, whose been your mentor and neighbor since you came on the circuit?"
The young horse, eyes wide, turns to the older horse and says "Holy crap, did that dog just talk?"
a kid wants to learn bass so goes to a bass teacher. first lesson the teacher says tonight we concentrate on the E string so the kid learns all the notes on the E string.the next week he does the same but with the A string.third week he does'nt show so the teacher rings him up and says why did you not show up tonight?and the kid says sorry no time for more lessons, i am too busy gigging.
A lady and a duck walk into a bar. A drunk sitting at the bar says "what are you doing with that pig"? The lady retorts " that's not a pig, it's a duck". The drunk says "I was talking to the duck".
Have you heard about the agnostic, dislexic, insomniac?
He stays up all nigh wondering if there's really a Dog.
He stays up all nigh wondering if there's really a Dog.
What is the difference between a bass player and a large pepperoni pizza? The pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four.
A grizzly bear goes into a bar - says to the bartender - "I'll have a gin and.....................<long silence>............................tonic."
Bartender says - "Sure thing, Mr. Bear, but why the enormous pause?"
("enormous paws", get it?)
Bartender: "... why the enormous pause?"
Bear: "I've had them since I was a cub."
A drummer and a bass player go fishing together, the bass player gets a bite and the drummer apologises.
No, sorry. The bass player gets a bite on his fishing line and stands up in the boat to reel it in. Never stand up in a small boat folks, 'cause of course the thing is tipsy and the bass player in his attempt to stay balanced, loses his wallet overboard.
Before it can fully sink, he reaches out for it, but a fish grabs it.
"Did you see that?" says the bass player, pointing.
"Yeah, that fish has your wallet!" says the drummer.
Then the fish passes the wallet to another fish, and then yet another fish grabs the wallet. The rhythm section is amazed, they can't believe their eyes as the wallet continues to be passed from fish to fish. The drummer exclaims:
"Dude! You're a victim of Carp-to-Carp Walleting!"
If you insist, but I like just to leave it hanging - I think it gets a better reaction when they finally get it.
If you insist, but I like just to leave it hanging - I think it gets a better reaction when they finally get it.
I agree. It just sits better.
What's big, red, hairy and eats rocks?
A big, red, hairy rock eater.
What's brown and can be found in a baby's diaper?
Michael Jackson's hand.
I'll say, his hands haven't been brown since the 90's...
Randy
this is my best pickup line..it works every time..
"Excuse me miss, but does this handercheif smell like cloroform??"
"Excuse me miss, but does this handercheif smell like cloroform??"
I didn't sift through the whole thread to see if this was already posted, so here's a bass player joke that a fellow band member (deployed band, that is) told me:
A boy goes in for bass lessons and comes home. Mom asks, "So what did you learn today" and he said, "I learned all the notes on the first string". The second day, he takes lessons, he comes home and his mom asks, "What did you learn today?" and he said, "I learned all the notes on the second string. So the third day, he comes home, mom asked him what he learned today and he said, "Oh nothing, I had my first gig!"
A boy goes in for bass lessons and comes home. Mom asks, "So what did you learn today" and he said, "I learned all the notes on the first string". The second day, he takes lessons, he comes home and his mom asks, "What did you learn today?" and he said, "I learned all the notes on the second string. So the third day, he comes home, mom asked him what he learned today and he said, "Oh nothing, I had my first gig!"
An original:
My mother told me I was born two weeks before her due date. Here I am, 33 years later, still ***ing early!
My mother told me I was born two weeks before her due date. Here I am, 33 years later, still ***ing early!
