A Question For Husbands/Wives

[Coolhandjjl]

It's not a problem. My spouse has the same if not more interests outside of work than I do.

 

[InhumanResource]

It's complicated and does not get any easier as time goes on. I have learned to just sacrifice a couple hours of sleep. Rehearsal is once per week after work (with band in a dedicated space, not in house). Home between 9 and 10pm. I prepare new tunes and conduct any personal shed time after hours (when wife and baby are in bed) with headphones, laptop and DAI. Thanks Youtube and assorted "jam to my loop!" websites. Wikiloops is pretty dope. Admittedly I don't do enough "real" practice anymore, I mostly just learn new tunes. I really should get more Upright time and jazz improv work. I pretty much don't do anything for myself until that "after hours" slot. The rest of the day is occupied by my day job (9-5er), plus either an early AM baby drop-off or evening pick-up on the way home. If we're both home (wife's work schedule is all over the map), then I usually cook dinner and help with baby bath time/transition to bed.

Gigs are sacrosanct: If we are not booked elsewhere as a family, I'm doing it. The only complication is that she (wife) occasionally works weekends, so I might not be able to get someone to watch our baby. This doesn't happen too often.
We play a lot of outdoor parties...if she can bring the baby along, she will. Separate cars, she rides home when it is time to put the little guy to bed. Club gigs I am pretty much on my own. Music money is small potatoes in terms of our household, but works great as play money for daddy. New equipment (once in a blue moon unless I can score a trade), beer money, etc comes from gig revenue. Life is good.

 

[Jrussblues]

Not every situation is the same, I work full time and play in weekends and what not with one hand and have a side project going with another. I obsess over gear and my objectives are totally out of line with my wires. I am an introvert.
She works 7-4 then comes home and teaches piano. She also likes to fill our weekends with stuff to do. She is an extrovert.
I bring her flowers when I think about it. I learn material as fast as possible. I'll sit in the room and run scales unplugged while she watches tv and talk to her. I'll tb and gear hunt at work, on break whatever. We also have a show that we like to watch together. Its hard to balance everything out and I think we are just starting to find our way but we are both similar and very different in a lot of ways. Hopefully it continues to go well.
In other words...it's a lot...I feel ya buddy.

 

[oldcatfish]

For those of you that work a 9-5 sort of a Monday to Friday job and live with your significant other, how do you split up your time on weeknights so your wife/husband gets attention, but you don't neglect your other musical hobbies (playing an instrument, listening to music, building/modding, going on TB, reading up on theory, gear research, etc.)?

I have been married almost 18 years and have children. What works for me is that I talked it over with my wife, then committed to 1/2 the time that she suggested as the maximum amount of time that she would tolerate. For me that's a couple of hours of practice 3 days per week, plus a couple of hours 1 day a week for rehearsals. That way I have some "flex time" that is available for wherever it's needed. If I need more music time a particular week, then I have it...but I use it for that sparingly. Usually I try to use it with the family. This works well for us.

 

[Johnny Crab]

Been married 27 years, all children are grown, and her sister(husband passed away a few years back) lives with us.
I usually tell her way in advance of any out-of-town/country gigs. For this week, I reminded her last night when we were going to bed that we had gigs Tuesday night and Friday night to which she said "Oh good! My sister and I might be your roadies since my sister hasn't seen you play since we met(1988)". Surprised me because this happens to me:

she says, "I've already heard all those songs, a lot."

The longer you are married, this becomes "Easy Like Sunday Morning" if you work on it.

Practice bass at home?
Plug into a Behringer V-Amp3, mp3 player into it also, and that goes into a Burgera bi-amped head feeding an 18" for lows and either a 15+horn PA cab for top or a 4x8+tweeter cab for top. We both love the same music so she knows most all of what we cover and sometimes sits at her PC across the room(30 feet) and sings along(or not). She also knows basslines. Example: a Douglas Beatle bass clone came here 3 weeks ago, got set up, and then I played various songs with bass intros with it into the rig above(Day Tripper, My Girl, Living on a Prayer, We Gotta Get Outta This Place, Stand By Me, etc). She knew them all. It is VERY helpful to have a supportive and understanding spouse.

Practice at work? Same setup as above except into studio headphones or the Altec Lansing bi-amped PC speakers in my cubicle. The AVP here stuck his head in one day at lunch and complimented how good the bass sounds(was using an SX Jazz bass at the time).

We do have to work at the vehicle thing since her conversion van is my gig mobile(our other one is waiting for an engine replacement).

Oh yeah, do your honey-do's!

 

[static0verdrive]

3 years... Not quite there yet, LOL.

The problem, which I only really realized over the weekend, is that I've always been a bit of an introvert. When I was in my teens, I would often lock myself in my room with a computer and spent a lot of time writing computer programs, building video game levels, designing websites, making animations, and using sequencer software to compose music. Friends would call me to do stuff, and I would some of the time, but a lot of the time I would purposely stay in and work towards whatever creative outlet was important to me at the moment.

Don't get me wrong, I did always know that I spent a lot of time isolated as a teen. I didn't have a lot of friends as a child and just kind of thought I developed the habit to cope (only rely on myself for entertainment sort of a thing). However, what I realized this weekend was that it is a trait I learned from my mom, and I actually think I create objectives that I worry/obsess about that build up in my mind, to the point that I can't be calm unless I'm working towards the objective.

However, I met my wife and a lot of that changed. I wanted to go out with her more than I wanted to stay in, but practicing bass or learning more about it was always a priority, just a lesser one.

The last few months have been rough for us though. We've lost a significant amount of income and have had to pretty much cut all of our going out time, because there aren't many activities that I can think of that are completely free.

As a result, I come home, we'll eat dinner together, and she'll resort to watching TV (usually programs I cannot tolerate to watch) and I'll go the music room, and we'll reconvene to get ready for bed.

I think as I seperated myself from her more and more, the musical and gear objectives I create, have grown larger and stronger and they totally consumed me and my time.

I found out this weekend that she feels completely ignored and neglected, and I totally agree with her and feel horrible. I didn't really realize what I was doing.

The goal now is to find stuff we can do together, that we both like to do, and can afford to do. I also need to try to understand how I can balance this time with bass playing... I'll definitely need to cut down on my TB time. A strict hour a day, strictly playing, I don't think will be too hurtful, but I'm curious what others think/do. Maybe an hour a day is too much when we really only have 5 hours or so we can actually spend together.

This hit really close to home. In my case, I told my wife "well I can't take half of those shows you like and I don't want to subject myself to them" but it was heard along the lines of "I only want to hang out with you if you're watching or doing something I like" so I had to course-correct pretty quick and really explain that we need to turn off the TV and talk, watch something we both like, or do separate things. And to be honest, Balance is key. Some of all three of those every day ironed out a lot of that - just remember that no one reads minds but we all like to think we know each other so well that stuff can go unsaid. I don't like to waste an opportunity to tell her how much she means to me, in case there was any doubt in that smart, beautiful head of hers.

 

[fretless19]

Balance and a spouse that respects you as an individual.

 

[static0verdrive]

Follow-up: I'll never be able to fully justify the solo in my office computer time, but you MUST let her know, in positive, happy, no-uncertain terms, how much playing bass means to you. She loves you, and she'll love you playing as long as it's because you like to, not because "you're trying to escape her." Not saying you are, I'm saying it can feel like that (which is why it came up as it did).

 

[Rayjay]

I use gig money to pay for our incidental bills like gas and groceries. Lately its been a huge help.

 

[neddyrow]

luckily my wife is the singer in our band.

 

[jthisdell]

I have joined a second band this year and this has made life a lot more complicated. Typically practice one night a week with each band and gig out twice a month with each band. Work 8-5 but usually two evening dinner work meetings a month. So that is like half of my evenings right there.

So I make sure all my dates are on the kitchen calendar including practices and I check with her before accepting gigs. Luckily most Friday and Saturday nights have been free. And I make a point of being engaged with her when I am home. Still I get some complaints lately when I am out multiple nights in a row. The irony is that for the last 20 years she had a much more active social life than I did. I was not playing and was pretty much a homebody. Now the kids are gone and I am busier than ever.

 

[friendlybass]

Mine and I are pretty solitary creatures so as long as I'm not too loud we have no problem

 

[jthisdell]

... but you MUST let her know, in positive, happy, no-uncertain terms, how much playing bass means to you. She loves you, and she'll love you playing as long as it's because you like to, not because "you're trying to escape her." ...

It helps that my wife finally gets this (after 30+ years).

One evening I came home and she asked me how my day was. My response was that it was awful and I was in the hot seat with my boss because one of my staff was trying to get another fired. Then she asked "Why are you smiling?" and I told her it was because we were playing that night. At a restaurant for free on a Wednesday night with very few people there.

And then she got me.

 

[jthisdell]

And I do most of my woodshedding with headphones in the same room where she is watching TV. It helps that my headphones are not closed and I can hear what is going on.

 

[Flatwoundround]

I simply don't watch tv at all. I simply put all my energy into music and my family. Wife always feels jealous but I try to do my best to make her feel happier.

 

[justjake]

reading this thread has made it apparent to me why i'm not married...........i'll leave it at that. no disrespect, intended or implied, just a critical observation of my self.

 

[Humbled]

It's easy. Just practice together...

Darn tooting.

Marry a musician. We don't compete. We augment. She can sing harmony to anything, any part that no one else is filling, and is happiest being in the "row-of-colored-girls"...

For 30+ years.

 

[lfmn16]

It sounds like an hour everyday is a bit too much.

I hear you @lfmn16, I don't think she fully understands. She doesn't really have many interests/hobbies other than going to the gym or yoga (which I'll try to work with her schedule. I'll go the gym when she goes, or I'll go to the gym when she goes to yoga... No yoga farts for me!)

But I really want this to work. I'd rather keep her in my life than playing bass, but I'd rather have both and would be sour if I lost one of them.

Good luck. In general don't think musicians should marry non-creative people (I'm sure my experience with non-creative types colors that), but that's just me and I'm sure lots of people make it work.

 

[Gravedigger Dav]

Been married 27 years, all children are grown, and her sister(husband passed away a few years back) lives with us.
I usually tell her way in advance of any out-of-town/country gigs. For this week, I reminded her last night when we were going to bed that we had gigs Tuesday night and Friday night to which she said "Oh good! My sister and I might be your roadies since my sister hasn't seen you play since we met(1988)". Surprised me because this happens to me:


The longer you are married, this becomes "Easy Like Sunday Morning" if you work on it.

Practice bass at home?
Plug into a Behringer V-Amp3, mp3 player into it also, and that goes into a Burgera bi-amped head feeding an 18" for lows and either a 15+horn PA cab for top or a 4x8+tweeter cab for top. We both love the same music so she knows most all of what we cover and sometimes sits at her PC across the room(30 feet) and sings along(or not). She also knows basslines. Example: a Douglas Beatle bass clone came here 3 weeks ago, got set up, and then I played various songs with bass intros with it into the rig above(Day Tripper, My Girl, Living on a Prayer, We Gotta Get Outta This Place, Stand By Me, etc). She knew them all. It is VERY helpful to have a supportive and understanding spouse.

Practice at work? Same setup as above except into studio headphones or the Altec Lansing bi-amped PC speakers in my cubicle. The AVP here stuck his head in one day at lunch and complimented how good the bass sounds(was using an SX Jazz bass at the time).

We do have to work at the vehicle thing since her conversion van is my gig mobile(our other one is waiting for an engine replacement).

Oh yeah, do your honey-do's!

Married 34 years. She is supportive of my music, but not involved. Being an artist, she understands the passion. No practice at work. At home is a Fender Rumble 25. Source is Rhapsody for covers, CDs for originals through decent PC speakers. My Ram 1500 is my gigging vehicle. She drives a PT Cruiser. She doesn't like it when a call it her PT loser.

 

[audreycashin]

And I do most of my woodshedding with headphones in the same room where she is watching TV. It helps that my headphones are not closed and I can hear what is going on.

This... and I got a Hohner B2A V so I can sit on the couch next to my honey and not crack him in the face with a headstock.....