A Question For Husbands/Wives

[Remyd]

1st wife - 4 years, 1.46x10^23 complaints about gigs and practice and rehearsals and drunken drummers and gear expenses and smoky bars and and and...

2nd wife - 8 years, "Aren't you supposed to be playing an open mic tonight?"

Mostly our balance is getting schedules together to have an acoustic group eat all the food in my house (under the guise of rehearsal) while my wife looks on in amusement.

 

[ColonelZulu]

Married 20 years...
She hates my involvement in music. She's admitted it. Mostly because it takes me away from her. During the week we spend time sitting together doing not much. Kids do thier homework and eventually go to bed. I don't want to make too much noise...

Solution...iOS amp and headphones. I can sit right next to her and practice instead of being a Bass Hobbit down in the basement.

 

[GeneralElectric]

I don't have a wife but I have a live in girlfriend, which is sort of the same thing. Except if/when we break up she isn't entitled to half of my stuff. I play in two bands and take music lessons on top of that.

I try to keep certain nights as "set nights." Monday and Thursday evenings are rehearsals, Friday morning is my bass lesson. This is part of my weekly routine. Every 2-3 weeks I have a good handful of people over and we play music in the living room.

I'll do repetitive exercises, usually right hand stuff, while I read or watch TV.

But I plan out most of my life in advance. There is a calendar on the fridge with everything written. My girlfriend puts her stuff on it too. We don't need to spend all our time together but spend meaningful time when we do. Neither of us have any desire for vacuous ******** and we're both really busy.

 

[Slough Feg Bass]

we have a master calendar on the wall of our kitchen.
We don't have kids, so that makes it easier I think.
She is an artist, and has her own separate art studio, I have my separate music studio, so we both are there a couple nights a week.
Wednesdays seem to be our standing mid-week date night. No music, no art, just each other.

Sometimes when we are both busy, we do have to schedule some date time together on the calendar, so we talk about it and figure out what times work for us.

It's a work in progress really, but the kitchen calendar really helps us.

 

[stretch80]

Great thread! Fun to hear everyone's stories. I've been married 35 years now, being a bassist was probably one reason my wife noticed me back then. We've had a few rules that have helped over the years of semi-pro band work...

1. She's not required to come to any gig she doesn't feel like attending.
2. She is never expected to carry any equipment or do any band-work.
3. I consult her before agreeing to gigs and rehearsals, and if there's a family thing already set, I don't schedule rehearsals. If its a paying gig, we'll discuss it.

I did stop playing in bands for a number of years when our kids were little and we were busy with a million other things. This last year has been busier than ever.

 

[fishdreams]

It became a thing recently when I started playing in a church band. Sunday is sort of "our day" and that one cut into it badly. So we discussed it and for now I play in that church every other week.

My wife is a singer and has been away/on tour/gigging far more than i have in the past 20 years (holding down the 9-to-5). I practice some in the morning (by mutual agreement) and some at night (when she is ussually working on music related business too. It all comes down to clear communication, non-possessive negotiating and not making any assumptions about each other. Which is not easy (at least for me), but one can learn....

 

[Remyd]

Reading some of these responses though makes me realize I don't do enough. Or anything really go show her I care... I need to correct that.

I recommend flowers. Get in a once-a-week habit and all of a sudden you're the best guy ever. Trader Joe's always has something or other for <$5. My wife calls it her wife-insurance payment. ;-)

Stole the idea from wife #1, who never got flowers from me, for reasons.

 

[grinx]

mine decided that if I was going to spend more than one evening a week playing music with my male friends, she was going to make as many male friends of her own.
so we didn't work out =p

 

[DirtDog]

My wife has always had hobbies that are solitary at home. Mine have always been out with groups of people. She is happy to have me out of the house so she has time to do what she wants to do.
My practice time usually starts after she goes to bed.
When I am not doing band/music related stuff, I spend as much time with her as possible and I make it a point to take care of minor honey-do items.
She wont come to my gigs. I asked her and she says, "I've already heard all those songs, a lot."

Pretty much the same here...

 

[ManOnEarth]

I am gone from 6am - 6pm every weekday, but my wife isn't home until 6:30. So I make dinner, wash the dishes, take the dog out if she didn't go to work with my wife (vet office) and do all the other mundane house crap until around 7:15-7:30 in which time she catches me up on her day... I'll chime in if anything of note happened, but generally it's listen and support time versus me talking.

After this, for the 6 years we've lived together I've always unwound with a beer and some music or video games (not often anymore) and she works out for an hour or two, and then we do something together until sleep... Whether watching a show, or going for a walk. It's a good system for us.

 

[Remyd]

After this, for the 6 years we've lived together I've always unwound with a beer and some music or video games (not often anymore) and she works out for an hour or two, and then we do something together until sleep... Whether watching a show, or going for a walk. It's a good system for us.

When do you practice/gig?

 

[Michael B]

My wife knows I'm happier when playing so it's a positive thing. We are always busy working and raising kids.

Planning a quota of together time seems odd to me. Not bashing it but it would be weird for us.

 

[ESPweasel]

Easy, she practices guitar in one room and I practice bass in another room (with head phones). We start around 9 and end around 10 for bed.

Hobbies FTW! Shared hobbies, even better.

 

[brianrost]

For those of you that work a 9-5 sort of a Monday to Friday job and live with your significant other, how do you split up your time on weeknights so your wife/husband gets attention, but you don't neglect your other musical hobbies (playing an instrument, listening to music, building/modding, going on TB, reading up on theory, gear research, etc.)?

I try to practice every weekday for one hour before going to work.

Weeknights I just stay home and do whatever the missus wants (usually watch TV, which I probably would not do otherwise).

Since GC killed the retail business I hardly ever go gear shopping any more. I read TB at work, try to stay off teh interwebz when at home.

 

[BearCave]

One of the keys to having a successful relationship and be able to spend time with playing music is that your significant other has a hobby/activity/etc. that they can spend time with so they're not just sitting alone at home every time you have a gig/practice/etc. My wife and I (we've been together for 9 years) use Google calendar that we have synced to each other's phones. I keep all of my shows/rehearsals/sessions on there and she keeps all of her activities on there (she's in several volleyball leagues for example). We look at each other's calendars and see when we have free time and make plans to do stuff together on the days/nights that neither of us has anything going on. It's worked really well for us. It has been a really helpful tool for all of my musical endeavors to look at too for my availability. If I don't have any sessions or anything planned with any of my projects, I plan something with my wife (if she's available too) and then "block" that date on my calendar. That way nothing will get booked or if someone wants to inquire about a session, they know I'm not available on a specific day. And, it's important to support your significant others interests/activities as well.

 

[Mike.C.]

Every other day normally. Every day when gig approaches. On weekends I wake up extra early and do the music thing whilst drinking my coffee before the wife wakes up.

 

[ManOnEarth]

When do you practice/gig?

Music time means practice. Every day from 7:30 until 8:30 or 9:30.

As for gigging, I haven't gigged or jammed since I went bass & guitar full time (was a front man)... I'll fight that battle when I find people to play with. The old regulars and old friends changed over the last few years after I stopped that awful "Rockstar" lifestyle. My body, career, and relationship are all in a happy place right now compared to how they all suffered a few years ago (and my wallet!)

 

[Corey Y]

Usually we do at least one night a week for "self care time", where one of us is either out and the other stays home with our son or we stay in and aren't bothered or the others go out somewhere. Then we have one day a week for family time, going out to the park, farmer's market, a movie, breakfast out or something like that, usually Saturday or Sunday. My wife and I also try to set a date night, usually trading babysitting with another family/couple we know if possible, once a week at most or once a month at the least. We also try to have at least one night a week where we all stay in together, sometimes one or the other of us needs to be out of the house more than one night a week for some work or social obligation. A lot of it is floating and we just stay checked in with each other, since you might have a plan and have it fall through or plan on doing something with the toddler in tow and he just doesn't make it possible in some way.

 

[Timmy-Watts]

Music is something that makes us alive. It's a part of who we are. You would never fuss or try to limit her yoga time or gym time (unless it's really unreasonable). Why should she try to limit your music time.

In my marriage (divorced now), my now ex would put up with the high paying gigs early on, but got really dark about me having gigs in general, and after I stopped doing those, she got dark about me playing or practicing at home. I truly did end up giving it all up for the sake of going all in to investing in the relationship. I didn't gig or play for about 3 or 4 years. What did that get me? She was still miserable no matter what I did, and now I was miserable too. I was a professional musician when she met me, and I gave it all up because she decided I should be an adult and get a real job so I'd have more time in the evenings and weekends to spend with her, for the sake of the relationship. In 2009 on my birthday I took that day off. I spent 4 hours at Sam Ash playing basses, for the first time in months or years. It clicked. I had given up WHO I AM as a person and the thing I was most passionate about and good at. I decided I needed music and bass in my life. I decided to grow some nuts and speak my mind. To still invest fully in the marriage. But I needed my outlet and I needed to be myself or I would be the empty shell I had become. Fast forward, that didn't go well, and here I am. I have since dated wonderful women, and I'm now engaged to the woman of my dreams. Balance is the key, but she understands bass is important to me, and it needs to stay so I am whole and able to give fully to the relationship. Communicate and follow the golden rule.

 

[BearCave]

Music is something that makes us alive. It's a part of who we are. You would never fuss or try to limit her yoga time or gym time (unless it's really unreasonable). Why should she try to limit your music time.

In my marriage (divorced now), my now ex would put up with the high paying gigs early on, but got really dark about me having gigs in general, and after I stopped doing those, she got dark about me playing or practicing at home. I truly did end up giving it all up for the sake of going all in to investing in the relationship. I didn't gig or play for about 3 or 4 years. What did that get me? She was still miserable no matter what I did, and not I was miserable too. I was a professional musician when she met me, and I gave it all up. In 2009 on my birthday I took that day off. I spent 4 hours at Sam Ash. It clicked. I had given up WHO I AM as a person. I decided I needed music and bass in my life. I decided to grow some nuts and speak my mind. To invest fully in the marriage. But I needed my outlet and I needed to be myself or I would be the empty shell I had become. Fast forward, that didn't go well, and here I am. I have since dated wonderful women, and I'm now engaged to the woman of my dreams. Balance is the key, but she understands bass is important to me, and it needs to stay so I am whole and able to give fully to the relationship. Communicate and follow the golden rule.

A BIG +1 to this. My first wife was the same way in that she met me at a show but after we got married, she didn't want me playing any more. That is why she is my "former" wife now. It is really important that your significant other understands that playing music is who you are (at least it is for me). It's what makes you, you. I can say that I've been extremely lucky with finding someone that understands that and that has always been fully supportive. She has never once asked me to stop playing and has even encouraged me and lifted me up when there were times when I would get discouraged because I'm not where I want to be. She is my constant cheerleader, and let's me be who I am. In turn, I am that for her as well. It's about being a team and accepting one another for who you are without thinking you're going to change the other.