A Question For Husbands/Wives

[Runlikegregg]

It sounds like an hour everyday is a bit too much.

I hear you @lfmn16, I don't think she fully understands. She doesn't really have many interests/hobbies other than going to the gym or yoga (which I'll try to work with her schedule. I'll go the gym when she goes, or I'll go to the gym when she goes to yoga... No yoga farts for me!)

But I really want this to work. I'd rather keep her in my life than playing bass, but I'd rather have both and would be sour if I lost one of them.

maybe you just need to work out some regular hours: a few nights a week and a weekend day as you need it. Treat it not as a hobby, but as a job in a way. You have rehearsals scheduled. That way on your nights off you can spend it with your wife. maybe every other saturday (or whatever) is also your day to play. whatever you decide, but the point is everyone knows what to expect and when. Having kids made me work it out, but it's sort of better this way. in a way.

 

[dalkowski]

Twin beds, cold showers and LDS underwear.

 

[audreycashin]

First wife: I could be in a band as long as my weekends were free, no females in the band, I made big $$, and I sold any gear i hadn't used in a month. The exception to the gear deal the bass and amp i played at out wedding, that was to never be sold, and anything I sold for a profit.

Current GF; Loves to hear me practices, will support me in a band. When she bought her house where we live, she made certain that there was a music room. She bought me my last bass, and paid for my practice amp. We keep our schedules on the phones. I might marry her.

you should.....

 

[GreatScott91]

Brother you're in a tough spot, from what I'm reading. Good luck to you, I hope things work out so you can stay together.

There is a win here, just a matter of compromising. Internet interpretations will make this sound condescending so I'm sorry in advance , but have you told her all the things you've said here? Have you told her how much you want to make this work and how you'd put the bass down to make time with her? Make this your last post for a while, and take a break - or reduce - from playing bass if needed, and take time to rekindle what you have (not "had").

There have been countless posts on TB about folks who have fallen away from playing - anywhere from 6 months to 20 years. And it's for a myriad of reasons, don't let it get you down!

 

[audreycashin]

i play bass and she dials in tones on my B7k for me

she plays her bass and i dial in tones on her B7k.

Fair to say i have it pretty lucky. we're basically the same person TBH so we have common interests in just about %100 of the things we do.

we like Indian food, Heavy metal, lifting weights, Dragon Ball Z and Warwicks. Dream life.

Think we need a club! Bass Player Couples.....

 

[Matthew_84]

Brother you're in a tough spot, from what I'm reading. Good luck to you, I hope things work out so you can stay together.

There is a win here, just a matter of compromising. Internet interpretations will make this sound condescending so I'm sorry in advance , but have you told her all the things you've said here? Have you told her how much you want to make this work and how you'd put the bass down to make time with her? Make this your last post for a while, and take a break - or reduce - from playing bass if needed, and take time to rekindle what you have (not "had").

There have been countless posts on TB about folks who have fallen away from playing - anywhere from 6 months to 20 years. And it's for a myriad of reasons, don't let it get you down!

Well yesterday was almost a very bad day... There are few things I do that push her over the edge, and yesterday I infringed on another one of them, totally unrelated to this issue.

She was pissed and divorced seemed completely imminent. I didn't even really fight or try to reason with her because I felt I had completely broken all trust. We were also short for time because she had to leave for a funeral service, so while she was out, I ran around, bought a sorry card, the nicest bouquet of flowers I've ever seen, some chocolates, and a whole bunch of specialty nuts she bought for herself that I previously devoured (this is what she was upset about). She came home and all was forgotten... Well not quite, but there's no plans of divorce anymore. I just need to be more respectful around the house...

I went a bit off track, but anyways, in the sorry card, I mentioned pretty much everything I said here, and reaffirmed it vocally after she read it. She cried, we hugged, I made a joke about my incompetence, she laughed and smiled and things are better.

I do think it's time for a break from TB, while I'm not at home anyway. I'll likely take up practicing in the mornings before she wakes up and re-adjust my schedule so it doesn't conflict so much with times where we're both available to do things together. I don't want to give up playing, and despite how it sounds, she doesn't want me to either. The problem was that I was spending no time with her whatsoever. I'd literally come home, eat dinner and talk with her for 20 minutes, and then hide in my music room with headphones on for 4 hours every weeknight, and weekends were a lot worse. She wants me to keep playing bass. She knows it makes me happy and all of that, she just doesn't want to be completely ignored. Some balance is certainly in order.

Thanks everyone for all of your help! It has helped me more than you can all imagine.

 

[Billybladez66]

Well yesterday was almost a very bad day... There are few things I do that push her over the edge, and yesterday I infringed on another one of them, totally unrelated to this issue.

She was pissed and divorced seemed completely imminent. I didn't even really fight or try to reason with her because I felt I had completely broken all trust. We were also short for time because she had to leave for a funeral service, so while she was out, I ran around, bought a sorry card, the nicest bouquet of flowers I've ever seen, some chocolates, and a whole bunch of specialty nuts she bought for herself that I previously devoured (this is what she was upset about). She came home and all was forgotten... Well not quite, but there's no plans of divorce anymore. I just need to be more respectful around the house...

I went a bit off track, but anyways, in the sorry card, I mentioned pretty much everything I said here, and reaffirmed it vocally after she read it. She cried, we hugged, I made a joke about my incompetence, she laughed and smiled and things are better.

I do think it's time for a break from TB, while I'm not at home anyway. I'll likely take up practicing in the mornings before she wakes up and re-adjust my schedule so it doesn't conflict so much with times where we're both available to do things together. I don't want to give up playing, and despite how it sounds, she doesn't want me to either. The problem was that I was spending no time with her whatsoever. I'd literally come home, eat dinner and talk with her for 20 minutes, and then hide in my music room with headphones on for 4 hours every weeknight, and weekends were a lot worse. She wants me to keep playing bass. She knows it makes me happy and all of that, she just doesn't want to be completely ignored. Some balance is certainly in order.

Thanks everyone for all of your help! It has helped me more than you can all imagine.

I don't know if you'll see this since you said you would take a break but if it helps maybe tell her this....ALOT of gigging really puts the strain on the relationship. Alot of the envy and jealousy come out from them being inundated with it while they watch you have a complete blast of a time(normally). If your not gigging regularly or at all maybe she could realize how bad it's NOTand maybe can meet you more in the middle while she sees the effort you are making to accommodate her emotional needs. It's kind of a tit for tat approach, but it's more of a "you know things could be soo much worse" thing...kind of cock eyed optimism....best of luck dude. I hope for both of you it all works out. I believe you have ALOT of empathy from alot of TBers here who relate very well to your dilemma.

 

[twinjet]

I don't know if you'll see this since you said you would take a break but if it helps maybe tell her this....ALOT of gigging really puts the strain on the relationship. Alot of the envy and jealousy come out from them being inundated with it while they watch you have a complete blast of a time(normally). If your not gigging regularly or at all maybe she could realize how bad it's NOTand maybe can meet you more in the middle while she sees the effort you are making to accommodate her emotional needs. It's kind of a tit for tat approach, but it's more of a "you know things could be soo much worse" thing...kind of cock eyed optimism....best of luck dude. I hope for both of you it all works out. I believe you have ALOT of empathy from alot of TBers here who relate very well to your dilemma.

I played in a duo with a girl. Jealousy was prevalent... It wasn't even a trust issue, it was a time kind of deal. I decided to pull back on it to spend more time with my girl and not practice as much. worth it.

 

[Skokiaan]

For those of you that work a 9-5 sort of a Monday to Friday job and live with your significant other, how do you split up your time on weeknights so your wife/husband gets attention, but you don't neglect your other musical hobbies (playing an instrument, listening to music, building/modding, going on TB, reading up on theory, gear research, etc.)?

I married a singer, who later joined my band, so no issues. Sometimes we're in separate rooms woodshedding on the same material.