A Question For Husbands/Wives

[bassbrad]

I consider myself fortunate that my wife is also a musician and we support each other's pursuits. When we have performances on the same night it can be stressful but it does not happen often.

 

[anavar]

i play bass and she dials in tones on my B7k for me

she plays her bass and i dial in tones on her B7k.

Fair to say i have it pretty lucky. we're basically the same person TBH so we have common interests in just about %100 of the things we do.

we like Indian food, Heavy metal, lifting weights, Dragon Ball Z and Warwicks. Dream life.

 

[Ellery]

Remember you are the man of the house so if she has a problem with when you choose to practice in your house tell her to shut up and go back in the kitchen or knit you a sweater or something...which is what I would say if I wanted to get slapped up and hung out to dry in divorce court! No man we all know it don't work that way, what I did was encourage her to get involved and I got her a drum set. Now even if I practice alone she totally GETS it. She only started taking lessons last year and she's doing really good, and now we can jam out.

 

[kiwlm]

The last few months have been rough for us though. We've lost a significant amount of income and have had to pretty much cut all of our going out time, because there aren't many activities that I can think of that are completely free.

As a result, I come home, we'll eat dinner together, and she'll resort to watching TV (usually programs I cannot tolerate to watch) and I'll go the music room, and we'll reconvene to get ready for bed.

I think as I seperated myself from her more and more, the musical and gear objectives I create, have grown larger and stronger and they totally consumed me and my time.

I found out this weekend that she feels completely ignored and neglected, and I totally agree with her and feel horrible. I didn't really realize what I was doing.

The goal now is to find stuff we can do together, that we both like to do, and can afford to do. I also need to try to understand how I can balance this time with bass playing... I'll definitely need to cut down on my TB time. A strict hour a day, strictly playing, I don't think will be too hurtful, but I'm curious what others think/do. Maybe an hour a day is too much when we really only have 5 hours or so we can actually spend together.

I am married for 6 years, and have a almost 3 year old kid now. I have given up to find stuffs that we can do together, because, basically, the wife just do not have any interest. She prefers watching TV than having some hobbies. Can't blame her, after hard day at work, watching TV is a good way to distress.

There are two things that I try very hard to do, to keep the relationship healthy:
1. Allocate at least 5 minutes for her every day. It doesn't needs to be long. Though sometimes it might take up to 30 minutes. Just ask her how is her day, and probe further when she talk more. A lot of times that's all the woman needs. After that, you can spend your 55 minutes practicing bass.

2. Try to go on a date once a week. Where there's only two of you. I understand it might be hard because of the budget constrains, but you gotta eat, so find a new place to eat, however cheap. Go to a new park. Hold her hands, show her affection. Pluck a flower from roadside for her.

These are the two tips that I have gotten from doclove for maintenance, and it have worked quite well.

 

[Billybladez66]

Music is something that makes us alive. It's a part of who we are. You would never fuss or try to limit her yoga time or gym time (unless it's really unreasonable). Why should she try to limit your music time.

In my marriage (divorced now), my now ex would put up with the high paying gigs early on, but got really dark about me having gigs in general, and after I stopped doing those, she got dark about me playing or practicing at home. I truly did end up giving it all up for the sake of going all in to investing in the relationship. I didn't gig or play for about 3 or 4 years. What did that get me? She was still miserable no matter what I did, and not I was miserable too. I was a professional musician when she met me, and I gave it all up. In 2009 on my birthday I took that day off. I spent 4 hours at Sam Ash. It clicked. I had given up WHO I AM as a person. I decided I needed music and bass in my life. I decided to grow some nuts and speak my mind. To invest fully in the marriage. But I needed my outlet and I needed to be myself or I would be the empty shell I had become. Fast forward, that didn't go well, and here I am. I have since dated wonderful women, and I'm now engaged to the woman of my dreams. Balance is the key, but she understands bass is important to me, and it needs to stay so I am whole and able to give fully to the relationship. Communicate and follow the golden rule.

I can surely relate to this one...only difference is I'm still married and have band prospects to get out gigging again... Thank God...
We met at a gig and I dragged her all over the southeast for 5 years before it started boiling over. Her problem was at gigs she had noone to keep her company while I was on stage. Her jealousy would get the better of her after a few drinks and we would fight afterwards...deserved or not. She has no real hobbies or interests so its been a hard balancing act but we are still fighting for it. Marriage isn't about love...its about willingness to compromise and maintain civility. Very tough. It's always a choice that's needs to be reaffirmed every minute of the day when things are stressful. After reading all this I'm sure glad it's not just me. You see your buds and exbandmates and know they don't have the same problems and start assuming it is just you, then you start blaming her for all your hard feelings.....good thread man and some great posts.

 

[Phil508]

Chocolate Diamonds!

 

[gfour]

My SO likes dancing and I could expand the rhythms I know, so we've been playing percussion in drum circles (including a teacher) for two years. It's an outdoor activity together, with the occasional gig, and it's not demanding (pick easy pieces and don't practice that much). An important point is to never show off musical knowledge, there's the teacher for that, so there's no imbalance. So, there might be a common activity that still fulfills (some of) your musical needs.

 

[StraffordMike]

I'm a stay at home dad so I've got it made!! Kids off to school, wifes at work, SWEET!! I'll often get in 4-5 hours a day so plenty of practice.
Rehearsals and gigs, that's a different story but I gave up riding motorcycles when she asked and I made it clear, I'm not giving up my bass!!
She's never seen me play, really has no interest, has no idea how much I spend on equipment.
Funny side note, we were going back and forth about how little she actually supports my playing one day, when I asked her if she could even name a bass player she knew( as I'm standing there, black Precision hanging conspicuously from my shoulder) and she couldn't name one!
" you play bass? She asks, I thought that was a guitar! What's the difference?
Good thing she has a very interesting skill set!

 

[Sav'nBass]

For those of you that work a 9-5 sort of a Monday to Friday job and live with your significant other, how do you split up your time on weeknights so your wife/husband gets attention, but you don't neglect your other musical hobbies (playing an instrument, listening to music, building/modding, going on TB, reading up on theory, gear research, etc.)?

We both are in our second marriage and I have children from that but we have been married 26 years with the oldest girls married and gone and the baby boy of 19 still at home. The roughest part of our marriage is behind us. For the first 10 years I did not play music.. I stopped with my first marriage. I started playing again when we left N.Y.C. in 2000 and moved to Va.. I started playing in church in 2001 and haver been doing so ever since.. We don't really have issues with that anymore.. Initially she used to sing in the choir and now she is our band's resident diva so it works out well. She has thingas that she does to occupy herself and we have kind of settled into our life...

 

[MNAirHead]

Being the mate of someone in this stuff requires an extra dedication. I believe it's attractive to find someone with a spark. The issue is our spark requires deidcation to a calendar (that normally is during social hours).

I'm not the type to sit around and watch TV or go to bed.

I gig a ton.. have had years that I gigged over 300x.


Things that seem to help...
1-I don't clutter up a house with gear.
2-Keep an accurate online calendar & be flexible with non-gig times.
3-Pay a special attention to things that they need
4-Don't accept jive gigs (low pay... crazy distances... bad bands)
5-Play with acts that they enjoy.
6-Don't waste time practicing
7-Understand that no matter how much it sucks to haul gear and have bad nights-- they still don't see it as work.
8-Be sympathetic to the attention potential threats (girls, booze) give to you.... few understand the boredom and calm that really go on behind the stage.
9-Spend a few gig bucks on things they're interested in.

----

All that being said... I am divorced. Quite sincerely a contributory factor was having strangers walk up and give you tons of accolades -- as crazy as it is when someone is sad inside... it creates a thorny wedge.

 

[GroovinOnFunk]

I'm one of the extremely fortunate ones that doesn't really have to worry too much about this. I would argue that the answer is "find someone who understands your schedule." If I have to be gone 7 nights a week for music, then that's just what needs to be done. But it may also be different for me because music is how I make my living. So if I don't gig, bills don't get paid and food doesn't get put on the table. But she's understanding and supportive. It also helps that she's very passionate about music as well. Coming up on 2 years of being married (I know... not that long) and 9 years of being together. So at this point (and by the time we got married) she really knows what to expect.

 

[/\/\3phist0]

For those of you that work a 9-5 sort of a Monday to Friday job and live with your significant other, how do you split up your time on weeknights so your wife/husband gets attention, but you don't neglect your other musical hobbies (playing an instrument, listening to music, building/modding, going on TB, reading up on theory, gear research, etc.)?

I'm in a band with mine, I get a pass

 

[Yigal83]

Me and my SO are together for more then 16 years now, and talking things over is the best advice that can be. Things do get tricky when kids are involved. What realy saved my playing is purchasing headphone amp and hang my bass on the wall. Maximizing the practice time. Most of the time i play after everyone is asleep. Sacrificing a little bit of sleep time.

 

[static0verdrive]

I'd have to get up earlier - her going to bed without me doesn't go over well at all (cold, lonely, etc).

 

[MaxThroughput]

Firstly, I built a mostly sound proof studio in the basement, and when we bought our house we made sure it had a space for her to get away. In this case she goes to the attic to watch TV and I go jam. I let her know with as much notice as possible before gigs, parties, or practices so she can socially recharge. She has a low social battery and usually needs more time away from me than I need from her, so it works. The difficulty is after 11pm on the weekends when she wants to go to sleep and I want to stay up until 4am jamming.

 

[socialleper]

For those of you that work a 9-5 sort of a Monday to Friday job and live with your significant other, how do you split up your time on weeknights so your wife/husband gets attention, but you don't neglect your other musical hobbies (playing an instrument, listening to music, building/modding, going on TB, reading up on theory, gear research, etc.)?

It ain't easy. I have a regular 9-5, I do a little part time work on the side, and the music stuff. Before I got back into music I made sure my wife was on board with everything. Even though she doesn't like the genre of music I play, she likes her rock star hubby and seeing me play, so it works out. I also only play about once a month or so since as an originals bands, you can't play in your local area too much without burning out your audience. She was a little stressed out when I went on a weekend mini-tour upstate over the Labor Day weekend last year, but now I know how to handle that better. I only practice once a week and only for a few hours, so she is used to the schedule.
I got lucky. Your mileage may very.
When you're home, BE there. Don't just zone out watching sports all night. Make sure you still make time to go out with your significant other every once in a while (meaning more than just special occasions.)

 

[srxplayer]

Beern married 28 years and I can attest I's tricky sometimes but can be done. You just have to work on it and respect each others needs and time. We make sure we have weekend time together. We do a lot of things together like hiking but during the week we are both pretty busy.

 

[mogator]

It sounds like an hour everyday is a bit too much.

I hear you @lfmn16, I don't think she fully understands. She doesn't really have many interests/hobbies other than going to the gym or yoga (which I'll try to work with her schedule. I'll go the gym when she goes, or I'll go to the gym when she goes to yoga... No yoga farts for me!)

But I really want this to work. I'd rather keep her in my life than playing bass, but I'd rather have both and would be sour if I lost one of them.

Yeah I sorta suspected marital problems were part of this. I used to be married to a woman who didn't have hobbies.

Long story short - If your spouse doesn't have hobbies and you do... well... you are going to have problems. Period.

Having hobbies means you are investing in yourself. Not having hobbies means you probably aren't. Some partners get resentful about this. Giving up your hobbies and interests won't make it better. OK some hobbies are more strain on a marriage than others. Being out a couple of hours 2-3 nights a week is NOT too much unless you have kids. But even then, both parents really need some time each week for themselves.

Good luck...

 

[+6dB Dan]

This thread is really interesting and informative! Thanks everyone for sharing your stories.

I just moved in with my girlfriend of almost three years. When we met, I was playing bass casually with some friends, but not gigging and treating it more like a hobby. (I have a 9-to-5 office job and have never made any significant income from music.) I have since realized that playing bass for me is a passion, not a hobby, and I prioritize it pretty highly in my life. I try to practice at least an hour every day, and I have about three hours of rehearsal a week, and I gig a few times a month. My girlfriend is very supportive: she's OK with the time commitment, she listens to my music and band drama stories, she comes to all of my gigs that she can (most of them), and even comes to some shows with me to see awesome bass playing (e.g. Marcus Miller). So I'm pretty lucky. Still, she is not a musician herself and she doesn't have any hobbies that are anywhere near as time- or money-intensive as music, so I worry about pushing my luck. I'd love to play and gig more but I think I'm probably at capacity now.

 

[+6dB Dan]

On a related note, I wonder how many more relationship problems would occur if significant others realized how much music gear costs. One of the few times my girlfriend got upset at me related to music was when I told her the price of a bass amp that I was considering buying. I'm not sure whether she realized that my gear at the time already cost several times that much...