i always put my wife first , sometimes we just be sitting around the house ,i take advantage of that time and i practice/jam ,i just try not to be on the gear too much so things stay balanced
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A Question For Husbands/Wives
- Thread starter Matthew_84
- Start date
20 years married - so far, so good.
It's hard though. With 2 kids, tuition, bills, near constant house/yard upkeep, it's hard to have any kind of social life or together time.
I shed in the AM after the kids go to school and before work (real estate).
Gigs take priority though. I used to play out all the time, but I've been focusing on the quality vs quantity thing - and that's working much better for me & the Mrs.
It's hard though. With 2 kids, tuition, bills, near constant house/yard upkeep, it's hard to have any kind of social life or together time.
I shed in the AM after the kids go to school and before work (real estate).
Gigs take priority though. I used to play out all the time, but I've been focusing on the quality vs quantity thing - and that's working much better for me & the Mrs.
Will have been married 25 years May 18th...got really fortunate that my wife grew up with her older brother playing bass in the house (he's quite an accomplished bassist) so she loves the sound of my playing in the house. As far as balancing time, she has solo hobbies she enjoys, so we've just gotten into a rhythm over the years. She'll go do her thing and I'll do mine and practice, or whatever. We try to eat dinner all together (have an 18 year old son), then hang out for a while, then break into our solo time. Some nights we don't and just hang out together all evening. My son plays piano and we jam and record a bunch as well...so pretty fortunate.
I've been playing in bands and doing music-production stuff non-stop since 14.
My wife and I met when I was 17, but didn't become romantically involved until about 5 years later. By that time, she was used to me touring and being gone for months at a time. We married at 26, and by that time, she also learned that there was very little "entertainment" that I would sit still for unless I was working the show.
She knew very clearly what she was getting in to, and never bitches. I'm a very lucky guy.
My wife and I met when I was 17, but didn't become romantically involved until about 5 years later. By that time, she was used to me touring and being gone for months at a time. We married at 26, and by that time, she also learned that there was very little "entertainment" that I would sit still for unless I was working the show.
She knew very clearly what she was getting in to, and never bitches. I'm a very lucky guy.
The most important thing is that SHE knows that she is more important than your music. The next most important thing is that YOU know that she is more important than your music. You will fit it in. When we had our kids and they were super busy with activities, I barely ever played. Now, our kids are grown and my wife loves reading, so I'm making up for (not really) lost time.
Sounds like this is a different question you have in front of you than you stated in OP. From my perspective it shouldn't be an either or thing at all. If you both want to be together work it out. Part of that is about personal space and how your lives work together.
Good luck. I hope you figure things out.
This is me, only two babies. Also I work from home so if I need some extra practice I can do it over nap time.
Ok, so here is my complicated situation I am divorced but 3 years later live with my ex-wife by choice. I will not get into the reasons for the divorce other than to say that the major problem which caused the divorce is now being better managed. My wife (ex) has always understood my personality and the fact that I go "all in" on about everything I do. I have begun to scratch build bass guitars (I am usually in the Luthier's Corner) and I am all in and obsessed. I find that when I am involved, I forget to eat or take a bathroom break. I have found that I must, intentionally make time to do other things and that includes spending time with her. Generally she is accepting. On another note, a young lady lived with me for a year. When I joined my second band she began to complain and sulk about it. For many reasons, including increased demands on my time and pouting when I was doing what I wanted, I showed her the door!
In any event, when I am spending time with somebody important, I try to be as "all in" as I am when I am building a guitar body or shaping a neck! Little things add up and sadly I had stopped doing the little things for my wife the past 5 years of my marriage as the relationship was so strained.
Hopefully, you have a mate, wife, SO with whom you can talk. Ask what SHE needs, expects what makes her feel close to you. That plus know and be able to read what she needs and when. I was married 22 years before it ended. I have a desire to meet the needs of my ex at this point. I have found that she understands and loves me more than most others could! Who knows where it goes from here but for now. . .things are going pretty well.
Communication overcomes most ills BUT it takes 2 to communicate!
Brent
In any event, when I am spending time with somebody important, I try to be as "all in" as I am when I am building a guitar body or shaping a neck! Little things add up and sadly I had stopped doing the little things for my wife the past 5 years of my marriage as the relationship was so strained.
Hopefully, you have a mate, wife, SO with whom you can talk. Ask what SHE needs, expects what makes her feel close to you. That plus know and be able to read what she needs and when. I was married 22 years before it ended. I have a desire to meet the needs of my ex at this point. I have found that she understands and loves me more than most others could! Who knows where it goes from here but for now. . .things are going pretty well.
Communication overcomes most ills BUT it takes 2 to communicate!
Brent
my husband (guitar player) and i (bass player, singer) met forming a band in 1998. we're not currently in bands, but we can play together, and we make sure to stay involved with each others' other interests, although mostly we share interests in photography and fitness, certain types of entertainment, and we're into similar museums and aquariums.
We've been together for 17 years. At this point she asks me why I don't have more gigs.
I'm married with two kids and another on the way. I just got organized/prioritize my time better. I'm a surgical technologist and I specialize in trauma and some days are really busy and some days are super slow. Because I have to be at work in case of an emergency but I don't have anything to do once my few daily chores are done, i can pretty much sit in the break room on my phone all day looking at gear or posting on talkbass if I wanted to. I probably actually worked for about 15 minutes today. Had no traumas and never scrubbed in. So I don't feel the need to spend time doing any of that when I'm home or out and about with my wife.
As for playing. Most of my practicing by myself is done in the middle of the night with headphones or even not plugged in at all while sitting on the couch. My band doesn't play every weekend anymore either. Sometimes we go as much as 6 weeks between gigs. Never more than two weeks between practices. But we like it more because it gives us time to write new material and really promote the shows we do play. So instead playing all the time and burning our fans out. They are genuinely excited to see our shows. As far as band practice it's much more organized so we use our time more efficiently. For example it used to be a battle for everyone to remember parts of new songs even when we practiced together more often. Now we record everything. Even if it's just a single room mic in a sweet spot in the room, then we Take the recording and cut it into tracks and send it to each other using Dropbox so We can all listen to stuff we practiced everyday anywhere and I typically do that while I'm in the car or at the gym. We have a group chat for the band on Facebook messenger and we all talk to each other daily. Wether it's talking about show offers, ideas for songs, family or whatever. Using Facebook messenger instead of a group text is nice because I'm not getting texts while I'm busy at work or with the wife. I can open it when I choose to and we don't have to worry about one or two guys in the band not having unlimited texting.
I think it also helps that my wife is a musician. She has more money tied up in violins than I do in bass gear so maybe it's not as big of a deal to her.
As for paying for my gear I have a gear fund. A seperate checking account that I only use for gear wether it's paying monthly payments on gear I financed or managing money for eBay sales and purchases or whatever. Every dime I get for selling gear goes back into that account and I also put $80 a month into it. That started at $40 a month until and got higher as our finaincial situation got better. Really I kind of look at all gear as renting in a way. For example The most expensive single purchase I've made was when I paid $2800 for my Warwick thumb nt5 played it for a decade and sold it for $2100. I paid $700 to play it for ten years. That's like $6 a month to rent an expensive bass if you look at it that way. Most of the pedals I buy and sell for example I might only pay $5-$10 to have for any length of time. Because I mainly buy pedals used and sell them for about the same price I bought them for so I'm really only losing out on shipping cost.
People like you are true Angels on earth. A guy like you got beeped out of bed at 2:00am to come save the life of a stranger.
My son.
Thank you for your efforts.
Thank you sir. Yeah I take 24 hours of night call a week. Luckily I don't get called in in the middle of the night very often. Normally only if there are multiple GSWs or more than one person needing surgery after a car accident. But we have a team that works 3rd shift so I'm just backup from 11pm-630am when I'm on call. My scheduled shift ends at 11. It's a great job. Wish more people would get into healthcare jobs. They pay well and have good benefits. It's gets frustrating when you have people and politicians on both sides talking this and that about jobs and those of us at the hospital are like "go to school and come on" we're seriously going on over 5 years now of having more than 100 job openings at my hospital. We could literally hire like 10 surgical techs and probably about 70 RNs aside from the other openings tomorrow if people in my area would just go to school. Most people don't want to put in the work though.
Nothing wrong with quitting music for a month or year or whatever it takes, to put more energy into what matters most to you. Schedule a regular date time and tell her what you told us - that she matters more to you than music- and you're taking a break from music to pursue her. Your bass and amp will still be waiting for you when you pick them back up! JMHO
My wife's little sister is a RN. She's helped many people through some tough scrapes. Long black hair, skinny, and cute too.
Hubba hubba.
My wife and I are not big watchers of television. We have a big partner desk in our home office, we sit across from each other on our computers. So, we are spending time together but also involved with our own interests.
I put headphones on and practice bass though my Ampeg SCR-DI as I sit here.
I gig on weekends, she is involved in barrel racing (horses). She comes to some of my shows I go to her horse events. We are involved in animal rescue together.
We work to strike a balance, spending time together, yet giving each other time and room to enjoy our respective hobbies.
This past weekend I drove across several states to attend a drum clinic while she went to a barrel racing event. When I got home today, we spent the whole day together. My wife is awesome!
I put headphones on and practice bass though my Ampeg SCR-DI as I sit here.
I gig on weekends, she is involved in barrel racing (horses). She comes to some of my shows I go to her horse events. We are involved in animal rescue together.
We work to strike a balance, spending time together, yet giving each other time and room to enjoy our respective hobbies.
This past weekend I drove across several states to attend a drum clinic while she went to a barrel racing event. When I got home today, we spent the whole day together. My wife is awesome!
