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A Question For Husbands/Wives

#81
i created a gmail account and linked a calendar to both our phones..she always knows when im gigging and i try to play no more than 3 per month so that I spend plenty of time with the family. The other thing is we give each other one night during the week out so we can enjoy our stuff alone
 
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#82
GeneralElectric said:
I don't have a wife but I have a live in girlfriend, which is sort of the same thing.
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I thought the same thing until I got married. It is not at all the same thing. I cannot explain it; it changes everything. I truly wasn't expecting that. It's worked out well, but when you actually do the deed, it changes your life in ways that I'm still coming to terms with six years later.

Both my wife and I did not meet or marry until our forties (well, we'd met before, we actually knew each other back in high school, but never dated or anything). First for both of us. Don't listen to pressure, biological clocks, well-intentioned friends and relatives. It's either right or it isn't, and we both knew it was right.

I might also add that it was the best move I ever made.
 
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#83
Long term relationship, with a toddler. I work mornings she works evenings. Im very much trying to figure it out.

One thing that HAS worked for us is planning dates. If we plan a date ahead of time and look forward to it, we both feel less guilty when we do things without eachother.
 
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#84
Matthew_84 said:
Yeah, in this process, I've realized I'm more selfish than I am/was willing to admit.

I'm at a point now where I need to either embrace it, or correct it and work until it's honestly corrected.
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Just my 2 cents, but I don't see anything selfish in it at all. We may have a moral obligation to help those in need, but we don't have a moral obligation to enter into a relationship or procreate. Just my opinion of course.
 
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#85
First wife: I could be in a band as long as my weekends were free, no females in the band, I made big $$, and I sold any gear i hadn't used in a month. The exception to the gear deal the bass and amp i played at out wedding, that was to never be sold, and anything I sold for a profit.

Current GF; Loves to hear me practices, will support me in a band. When she bought her house where we live, she made certain that there was a music room. She bought me my last bass, and paid for my practice amp. We keep our schedules on the phones. I might marry her.
 
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#86
This is a rough one that I am always trying to find the balance with... I work 8-5, go to school in the evenings, plus rehearsal/gigs, practice, and homework. Sometimes we are ships passing in the night, and it wears on you and the relationship pretty quick... Haven't found the best solution... still wrestle with guilt when I make the choice to practice instead of doing things together... Come next semester we were going to look for an evening choral group to sing in together.
 
#88
Matthew_84 said:
For those of you that work a 9-5 sort of a Monday to Friday job and live with your significant other, how do you split up your time on weeknights so your wife/husband gets attention, but you don't neglect your other musical hobbies (playing an instrument, listening to music, building/modding, going on TB, reading up on theory, gear research, etc.)?
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Just include ur significant other with your music ! Best of both worlds!:)
 
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#90
Not a one-size-fits-all answer to this. My wife seems to be more understanding now that she has some degree of involvement in one of the bands I'm in (she works to help promote us w/ flyers. etc.). She comes to pretty much all of our gigs. Now that she's involved she understands better the need for me to practice at home, but I do need to strive to keep a balance between giving her my non-musical time and attention and the need to keep up my chops. We've been married for almost 30 years so there's a lot of understanding there. Kids are older now (teenagers) so the fact that my musical involvement was minimal when they were really young compared to now banked me some points. Always tried to be an involved dad when they were little. I try to now too, but older ones just don't need as much attention so there's that factor also.
 
#91
Matthew_84 said:
Before meeting her, I never ever wanted to get married because I knew how important this sort of time was to me.

I had dated lots of women, had lots of fun, but I never met one that I really jived with after a few weeks... Until I met her. As corny as it sounds, I realized love at first site truly existed.

Early on, I knew it would be a sacrifice, but it was worth it. I wanted to put down the bass in order to see her.

I guess, with the lack of going out and doing fun stuff together, it became mundane, and I resorted to playing more bass than spending time with her.

This weekend, we had a heavy, "it's time for a divorce" talk, and we're still not truly decided. She, mainly, decided to take a few days for not just her to re-evaluate things, but for me to do as well... Do I really want to continue this marriage, or would I rather direct all of extra time towards music and other hobbies? Right now, things are very amicable. We could divorce tomorrow and I know we'd split everything very evenly and it would not be messy and no one would be angry. If there was ever a good time to follow through with a divorce, now is it. But I still don't want it. I love her, and would hate to not have her in my life. Music is great, yeah, but what would I regret losing more at the end of my life? It's not even a question to me. I have to make this work.
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It sounds like you do have to make it work. Myself, I have to play music and my wife realizes that is an integral part of who I am. The good thing is that she really likes to watch TV cop shows, so that's usually what she's doing when I'm practicing. I do make a point of hanging out with her for an hour or so before bed.
 
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#92
Well, I tour for a living, no 9-5 here... although it is really appealing (never done it). In a good year i'll be gone 9+ months.
14 years, very happily married... the trick is, I married someone who has as much of a life as I do, so we do our thing, and cherish the time together when it happens...
and I fly her out to Europe or Japan every few years to join me, when we can afford it. We also collaborate when i'm around.
 
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#93
My wife is really good about allowing me the time I need for music. I am the band leader/manager in my band, and it keeps me very busy with all the administrative duties and performances. We rehearse at my house one evening a week.

She often attends performances, unless she has an upcoming trial (she's an attorney).

I'm lucky, tell her often how much I appreciate it, and when I'm not practicing, rehearsing, networking, interneting, or performing, I make sure to plan something special for her and I.
 
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#95
obimark said:
My first 45 minutes when I come home is MY time. I decompress, play my bass and relax. Free from the petty daily drama.

Try it.
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That's not a bad idea. Get the itch out of the way, and then devote the rest of the time to her... I may have to word it a bit better to her, so it's not like, "I have to get happy before I can see you." I know little about women, but I know she won't like it phrased like that!

I also like the "I play bass in the morning before I go to work" responses. That could work for me, but not everyday due to my varying hours (one day I'll start at 8am and the next I have to be on a site that's an hour away for 6am), but I just won't do it on the very early mornings.

Thanks everyone for your responses so far! It has been very helpful to put things in perspective.
 
#96
madbass6 said:
Just include ur significant other with your music ! Best of both worlds!:)
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I wish, and I've tried. She likes listening to music (some music, mostly stuff I'm not a huge fan of, though we can agree on funk), but she has no desire to do anything musical. She's a great singer too and I keep trying to get her out of her shell but she's not interested... I think she's really shy, but I haven't been able to coax her into trying, even when it's just me.
 
#97
arbiterusa said:
I thought the same thing until I got married. It is not at all the same thing. I cannot explain it; it changes everything. I truly wasn't expecting that. It's worked out well, but when you actually do the deed, it changes your life in ways that I'm still coming to terms with six years later.

Both my wife and I did not meet or marry until our forties (well, we'd met before, we actually knew each other back in high school, but never dated or anything). First for both of us. Don't listen to pressure, biological clocks, well-intentioned friends and relatives. It's either right or it isn't, and we both knew it was right.

I might also add that it was the best move I ever made.
Click to expand...
Me too. Best move I ever made, but I don't understand why getting marriage changes things... I think my wife watched too many Disney movies as a kid or something. LOL.
 
#98
Matthew_84 said:
For those of you that work a 9-5 sort of a Monday to Friday job and live with your significant other, how do you split up your time on weeknights so your wife/husband gets attention, but you don't neglect your other musical hobbies (playing an instrument, listening to music, building/modding, going on TB, reading up on theory, gear research, etc.)?
Click to expand...

I stay up later and get up earlier. Unfortunately my job is not 9-5, exactly. But that's the technique I use.
 
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