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A Question For Husbands/Wives

#41
I'm not married yet, but I've been living with my SO for a few years. We do our own things. I cook dinner, she does her take-home work. We exercise together, eat together, clean together, and watch one episode of some show together (of course all the talking happens throughout these activities), and then we have some time for our respective hobbies, then bed.

I don't want to turn this into a relationship advice column, but I'm of the belief that everybody needs something that they work on alone, instead of everything being couple time... until kids get introduced into the equation. I'm not sure how that one works out lol.
 
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#45
justjake said:
reading this thread has made it apparent to me why i'm not married...........i'll leave it at that. no disrespect, intended or implied, just a critical observation of my self.
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Before meeting her, I never ever wanted to get married because I knew how important this sort of time was to me.

I had dated lots of women, had lots of fun, but I never met one that I really jived with after a few weeks... Until I met her. As corny as it sounds, I realized love at first site truly existed.

Early on, I knew it would be a sacrifice, but it was worth it. I wanted to put down the bass in order to see her.

I guess, with the lack of going out and doing fun stuff together, it became mundane, and I resorted to playing more bass than spending time with her.

This weekend, we had a heavy, "it's time for a divorce" talk, and we're still not truly decided. She, mainly, decided to take a few days for not just her to re-evaluate things, but for me to do as well... Do I really want to continue this marriage, or would I rather direct all of extra time towards music and other hobbies? Right now, things are very amicable. We could divorce tomorrow and I know we'd split everything very evenly and it would not be messy and no one would be angry. If there was ever a good time to follow through with a divorce, now is it. But I still don't want it. I love her, and would hate to not have her in my life. Music is great, yeah, but what would I regret losing more at the end of my life? It's not even a question to me. I have to make this work.
 
#46
i worked Full time days and nights ... if you want the bills to get paid ( kid , cars , 4 acre mini-farm w/4 horses, dogs , cats , etc ... ) then deal with whatever the schedule might be .. !! wife #2 wanted all that crap and never stopped whining about me working so much , or her having to work herself ... ??!!!?? stuff ain't free !!

now music is more of a home hobby ... wife#3 let's me play and/or do whatever i want with my music ... i was a musician when we met ... i've played since i was 6 , now 58 ... she understands it is part of who i am ..
 
#47
My wife is a dance teacher, so we both get equally shortchanged. At least it's during different, non-overlapping times of the year. Our main problem these days is Saturdays, as we're raising a Guide Dog that cannot be left by himself - and I'm not taking a dog to a loud rehearsal. So she has to sit at home on a Saturday between 4 and 6 hours, when she could and should be taking dance classes (I've forced the main time-consuming band to not practice every week to give her some Saturday time, we're good enough we shouldn't have to go every week, but the BL is insecure). That's not going to work long-term, but one of the projects is wrapping up very soon and Saturdays will be far less active than previously.

The important thing is that we BOTH have a thing that needs to be done, and we both respect that.
 
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#48
I practice bass everyday early in the morning (4am to 6am), I play golf on Saturday (6am to 9am).

Saturday afternoon is for my family social activities; Sunday morning is church and afternoon is family time: grilling, going downtown for ice cream, watch a movie, etc.
 
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#49
Matthew_84 said:
For those of you that work a 9-5 sort of a Monday to Friday job and live with your significant other, how do you split up your time on weeknights so your wife/husband gets attention, but you don't neglect your other musical hobbies (playing an instrument, listening to music, building/modding, going on TB, reading up on theory, gear research, etc.)?
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Being an old guy I've used this line many times, and it is always truthful, I say, "I was playing bass in a band when you met me. Nothing has changed." Maybe a bit harsh but certainly a dose of reality.
 
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#50
I've been married 30 years and we have been through many ups and downs and raised two great kids together. One is fully launched and the other is still in college. Definitely a balancing act and it changes with time. One thing is certain, if you want your marriage and family to work, time has to be invested.

I still don't have it figured out. I still feel like I don't spend enough time with wife, kids, friends, job, hobbies, helping others, etc, etc. Seems like everything is short-changed and it can get depressing.

Your SO surely wants you to be happy, so talking through it (painful as that may be) is really important to getting resolution.

There was a movie some years ago where a wise old guy said "the secret to life is one thing". When asked what the one thing is, he replied, "that's what you have to decide". It may not be ONE thing for everyone, but thinking about what is most important can be helpful.
 
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#51
justjake said:
reading this thread has made it apparent to me why i'm not married...........i'll leave it at that. no disrespect, intended or implied, just a critical observation of my self.
Click to expand...
I hear you. I've never had kids. I did some kids a huge favor by not having them!

Some people aren't cut out to be married, some aren't cut out to have kids. It would be much better if they would just admit and accept it instead of trying to squeeze a round peg into a square hole. [/soapbox]
 
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#52
Since my musical endeavors make money, its never an issue. My wife knows that anything that generates revenue takes priority. I do take time out for vacations and special events (birthdays, anniversaries, etc..) and if the need arises, I have a list of subs to call in. But other than that she knows that is is my part-time job and I have to show up for my job.
 
#53
When we first got together, I told her "I play music, and I don't see that changing. If you don't like it, there's the door." We were only on our 2nd date, so nothing really to lose. FFWD to 12 years later. She gives me the time I need to keep a normal band going, ie a night /week for rehearsals and then whatever I need for gigs, and I make sure the rest of my time is spent with her, or the kiddos, with maybe an hour or two per week just for me to practice/play. Its all about balance. We have a couple shows we watch together, she looks forward to me being out so she can watch her super chick shows, and it works.
 
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#54
static0verdrive said:
This hit really close to home. In my case, I told my wife "well I can't take half of those shows you like and I don't want to subject myself to them" but it was heard along the lines of "I only want to hang out with you if you're watching or doing something I like" so I had to course-correct pretty quick and really explain that we need to turn off the TV and talk, watch something we both like, or do separate things. And to be honest, Balance is key. Some of all three of those every day ironed out a lot of that - just remember that no one reads minds but we all like to think we know each other so well that stuff can go unsaid. I don't like to waste an opportunity to tell her how much she means to me, in case there was any doubt in that smart, beautiful head of hers.
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I hear you about the TV thing... "No, I don't want to watch 'My 600lb Life', but I do want to spend time with you... Maybe you watch that crappy show because you don't want to spend time with me??? Sorry, I didn't mean that!" LOL.

Reading some of these responses though makes me realize I don't do enough. Or anything really go show her I care... I need to correct that.
 
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#55
My lady and I met when we were kids, and have been together in an exclusive relationship for 46 years. When people ask if we ever dated other people when we were single, we usually reply that neither one of us ever considered ourselves as being "single." ;)

We share as well as have our own interests. Coordination isn't an issue. We just keep each other informed about what's going on (or coming up) and we arrange our personal schedules accordingly. If a scheduling conflict comes up, we figure something out. If we can't, we jointly decide which should get priority and roll with it. We've gotten so good at it after all these years that we don't even need to discuss it most times. We're on the same page and have each other's best interests at heart so there's no opportunity for arguments. We both "just know" what to do in almost any situation that affects us both. I can't recall a single time when we didn't both agree on which of two conflicting schedule items got nixed.

As far as music goes, we're both musicians. And we play together more often than not. So there are absolutely no issues there. :thumbsup:

I think I'm probably one of the luckiest people in the world. :)
 
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#58
Matthew_84 said:
I hear you about the TV thing... "No, I don't want to watch 'My 600lb Life', but I do want to spend time with you... Maybe you watch that crappy show because you don't want to spend time with me??? Sorry, I didn't mean that!" LOL.

Reading some of these responses though makes me realize I don't do enough. Or anything really go show her I care... I need to correct that.
Click to expand...

Good man! Do that today. You won't regret it. :thumbsup:
 
#60
lfmn16 said:
I hear you. I've never had kids. I did some kids a huge favor by not having them!

Some people aren't cut out to be married, some aren't cut out to have kids. It would be much better if they would just admit and accept it instead of trying to squeeze a round peg into a square hole. [/soapbox]
Click to expand...
Yeah, in this process, I've realized I'm more selfish than I am/was willing to admit.

I'm at a point now where I need to either embrace it, or correct it and work until it's honestly corrected.
 

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