After one gig, I think I'm done. Advice? (Long winded post warning)

[BassNeo]

This really sucks. What do you guys and galls think?

Yeah, you're done. This story always ends the same way. You're fired, someone is throwing toys out of the pram and fingers point in every direction.

Start looking for something else. No one needs a band enough to deal with soap opera drama. It's just not worth it.

that's my 2p, taxes extra.

 

[littlepope]

Seems like much to do about nothing.

As a human being it would take more than a Google writeup to upset meself with good .

Seems like you have a lot of drama going on. I really hope this does not deter you from being a bassist.

One of the most important (supporting type) thing you can do is surround yourself with good people.

Later player.

 

[Depth_Charge]

+1 OK maybe that's a bit much. But some do. Do not let them effect how the band is perceived. I do not mind bandmates having girlfriends or wives (I'm married as well) but if they think they are part of the band and want any part in the creative or decision making process I'm gone.

I agree with the bolded part.

Girlfriends and wives (moreso wives and long term de facto partners) have influence over band members and hence a small degree of decision making power which you can't deny them, whether you as a band leader like it or not...

Yes, its up to the members to manage these relationships best they can to minimise such disruptions, but when issues blow up at venues etc, the leader should be resolving it, and not by insisting a band member put a gag order on a partner! That's a toxic solution if ever I've lived one. And I have.

 

[jay stevens]

the only thing worse than a lead singer is a lead singers girlfriend!

 

[cableguy]

I agree with the bolded part.

Girlfriends and wives (moreso wives and long term de facto partners) have influence over band members and hence a small degree of decision making power which you can't deny them, whether you as a band leader like it or not...

Yes, its up to the members to manage these relationships best they can to minimise such disruptions, but when issues blow up at venues etc, the leader should be resolving it, and not by insisting a band member put a gag order on a partner! That's a toxic solution if ever I've lived one. And I have.

Part of what I was saying was tongue in cheek. I wouldn't say put a gag order on someone. If a girlfriend has a problem speak up, just don't speak "for the band". If the problem must involve the band tell me and I'll bring it up to the band/band leader. Choice between band and wife, 100% of the time wife wins. Just too many times the wife/gf/partner has an issue after 5 rum & cokes and nothing is gained by them "speaking out". I don't go to my wifes office and bitch to management about issues I percieve with her employer. I will give her my opinion and let her handle it. I just ask for the same in return.

 

[fdeck]

I agree with the bolded part.

Girlfriends and wives (moreso wives and long term de facto partners) have influence over band members and hence a small degree of decision making power which you can't deny them, whether you as a band leader like it or not...

Yes, its up to the members to manage these relationships best they can to minimise such disruptions, but when issues blow up at venues etc, the leader should be resolving it, and not by insisting a band member put a gag order on a partner! That's a toxic solution if ever I've lived one. And I have.

My spouse's influence is pretty much limited to the scheduling of gigs around other activities such as family events, vacations, and so forth. She and I are both professionals by day. The idea of either of us intervening -- much less throwing a tantrum -- in the other one's job is simply unthinkable.

 

[Depth_Charge]

I don't go to my wifes office and bitch to management about issues I percieve with her employer. I will give her my opinion and let her handle it. I just ask for the same in return.

The bands I've been in haven't had such a professional member base. They involve themselves in each others lives, try to exert force and control, make impossible demands of the wrong people, and seemingly enjoy it. I've been trying to discover how to break out of that mould for a couple of years with little success.

My spouse's influence is pretty much limited to the scheduling of gigs around other activities such as family events, vacations, and so forth.

Thats the influence I was describing. Mine also influences distance of gigs. That's the kind of influence band leaders must understand is in place. Of course its all dependent on the nature of the gig. Festivals, pub gigs, weekend warrior gigs etc...home (not hobby) comes first. Original, touring, or depend on the income for living then yeah, band (work) comes first.

Its all about managing expectations.

 

[cableguy]

The bands I've been in haven't had such a professional member base. They involve themselves in each others lives, try to exert force and control, make impossible demands of the wrong people, and seemingly enjoy it. I've been trying to discover how to break out of that mould for a couple of years with little success.

I think it also come with age (i'm mid-40's) and band expectations. I play for fun and maybe a little money. If there's a bunch of drama I'm out, lifes too short for that. Good luck breaking out of it depthcharge. You just need to find people who are on the same page as you. Unless it's you full time job or most of your income is made from the band. Then sometimes you just need to persevere until something better comes alomg. Bands should be fun and drama is not. I've been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, etc.

 

[Nev375]

The more people in (and close to) the group the more drama you are likely to deal with. And there will be drama. The best thing to do is exactly what you are doing... talk about it, examine it, and prepare yourself for the next incident.

Some people talk about avoiding drama. This is difficult to do as it usually involves avoiding a lot of people. Sure, you can find some like-minded people who don't bring a lot of drama to you, but everyone you find who is easy for you to deal with is a royal pain-in-the-ass to someone else. Such is people-chemistry...

So rather than avoid it, I suggest you roll with it and become an expert at dealing with it. As you discover skills for dealing with it, try to pass these on to those around you. Classes in psychology help immensely with this sort of thing.

Good luck.

 

[Depth_Charge]

So rather than avoid it, I suggest you roll with it and become an expert at dealing with it. As you discover skills for dealing with it, try to pass these on to those around you. Classes in psychology help immensely with this sort of thing.

Interesting slant. The more counselling I received on dealing with and managing other people's behaviour and the better I get at managing myself, the less interest I have in helping or even being around such people.

Because the more I tried to help these people understand the same concepts (IOW, challenge their base philosophy towards people and respect) the more arguments I got into and the less it actually helped.

These kinds of control freaks want conformity, not to be told there is a better way that requires more thought, effort, maturity and compromise on their part

 

[Nev375]

Because the more I tried to help these people understand the same concepts (IOW, challenge their base philosophy towards people and respect) the more arguments I got into and the less it actually helped.

These kinds of control freaks want conformity, not to be told there is a better way that requires more thought, effort, maturity and compromise on their part

First off, never argue.. especially on a person's base philosophy. As you have said, this doesn't help. The idea is not to change people, and it is not really to educate them, although my previous post probably sounded that way.

You have to remember that you are not responsible for others in any way. Other people have the right to be jerks and control freaks, and they also have the right to experience the consequence of their behavior.

Rather it's a matter of reinforcing in others that which they do right and ignoring or re-directing that which they do wrong... all without them realizing you are doing it. Sometimes, people change and learn from this, but you would be a fool to expect it.

And yeah, being around such immature people is rarely fun and it's draining and it's way easier to just go find different people. Sometimes you should if a person is a true liability.

In my experience though, people give up on other people way too easy. Often, it's at the first sign of any issue whatsoever. Perfect people just aren't out there though. Sooner or later, you need to make a stand and commit to what you are given and find a way to make it work.

All I am saying is there will be drama. There are smart ways to deal with it and dumb ways.

 

[Depth_Charge]

In my experience though, people give up on other people way too easy.

Ain't it the truth

I pretty much agree with everything you said above and wish I could articulate it as eloquently and succinctly

 

[kissmybASS01]

It is now a definite "I quit" before getting fired lol. Wow, lots of great feedback and even some validation to know I'm not the crazy one

The way she over-reacted with this small, insignificant situation, I would not like to stick around when a major SNAFU happens - like having a gig get cancelled on you last moment.

 

[MatticusMania]

Haven't people learned from Spinal Tap yet? Girlfriends RUIN bands. The whole point of being in a band is to lose the girlfriend and graduate to groupies.

It seems like everytime I get myself into a good band I end up married. I must be doing it wrong

 

[MrLenny1]

Yup! women + gigs = trouble.
Speaking from 25 years experience. Every dam time.

 

[MrLenny1]

Yup! women + gigs = trouble.
Speaking from 25 years experience. Every dam time.

 

[Howlin' Hanson]

It is now a definite "I quit" before getting fired lol. Wow, lots of great feedback and even some validation to know I'm not the crazy one

The way she over-reacted with this small, insignificant situation, I would not like to stick around when a major SNAFU happens - like having a gig get cancelled on you last moment.

If a band hosed my family or close friend, I would be gone also. Let us know what the rest of the bands' reaction is.

 

[MatticusMania]

Yup! women + gigs = trouble.
Speaking from 25 years experience. Every dam time.

Now, would that be the same woman?

My ex-wife made gigging a terrible pain. Always an argument, her thinking Im flirting with someone else, and getting too drunk and acting like a *****.

My new wife is a ****ing saint! Perhaps she's so reasonable because she also plays in a band. She's never made me late, never given me a hard time, sympathizes when things turn into a cluster***k, and offers up actual conructive criticism. Damn I love that woman!

 

[baileyboy]

Although she sounds as if she is not such a good self-monitor of her behavior, she is perfectly entitled to write the review as she did, as any other visitor that day might have. She being the vocalist's girlfriend has little bearing in the matter, as she is responsible for her own actions, however disagreeable to you or anyone else. My two cents.

 

[tycobb73]

I hate wives and girlfreinds interfering with bands. My wife voices any opinions about my band to me and I voice them to the band as I see fit. I once had to talk to her about this when she went off on the lead singer for scheduling a gig on halloween after I never told the lead singer I couuldn't do halloween.