1. Please take 30 seconds to register your free account to remove most ads, post topics, make friends, earn reward points at our store, and more!  
    TalkBass.com has been uniting the low end since 1998.  Join us! :)

Any one else stuck in a horrible marriage?

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by capnjim, Dec 3, 2013.

  1. capnjim


    Mar 13, 2008
    My wife doesn't like me...plain and simple. We have been to many counselling sessions and I try to do everything on her "list"
    She won't even consider my list until I do 100% of hers.
    I work full time, drive kids to school, get home, cook dinner, clean up, make lunches. She works half time and I am not allowed to ask what she does with her time.
    Our house is a cluttered disaster as she is a border line hoarder.
    We don't fight, there's just nothing there. She thinks she's perfect. She is a great mom.
    I'm also an alcoholic...I know, I should quit, but I don't get drunk, just drink to numb the lonelieness.
    We have three kids and are slowly, very slowly, drowning in debt.
    Divorce is not an option as we could not afford two houses/apartments.
    Any one else stuck?
    I would consider an affair, but who would have a fat old father of three still living with his wife!
    Thanks for letting me vent!
  2. RS


    Aug 27, 2000
    Cleveland, OH
    Sounds rough capn. All I can say is there are always choices.
  3. 45acp


    Feb 5, 2013
    Texarkana TX
    I was in your exact situation for 11 years, minus the kids. Get out. You will be happier living in a cardboard box.
  4. GKon

    GKon Supporting Member, Boom-Chicka-Boom

    Feb 17, 2013
    Queens, NY
    Sorry, but it sounds like you are living a one sided relationship.....her side. You say you are doing all that various "stuff" and try to first take care of her "list" 100% before she will even consider yours? AND you are not "allowed" to ask her what she does with her time.

    Seriously? Really? Don't you see that problem with all that yourself? Why does she have so much leeway and you do not?

    Sorry for the rant on my part. I'm not in a bad marriage, but ALMOST was. I was dealing with some bad stuff and, thankfully, opened my eyes and got out before I was neck deep in the muck.
  5. RS


    Aug 27, 2000
    Cleveland, OH
    What would happen if you stopped doing all the laundry, cooking, driving, and cleaning?
  6. Gorn

    Gorn Supporting Member

    Dec 15, 2011
    Queens, NY
    That sounds terrible. I'm sorry. But I'm assuming you love your children, so at least something good came out of it.

    It makes one question the wisdom of entering into a contract that fails more often than it succeeds.
  7. BurningSkies

    BurningSkies CRAZY BALDHEAD

    Feb 20, 2005
    Seweracuse, NY
    There's always a way, even if its logistically difficult. Sort of like with kids...there's no convenient time to have them, but you'll figure it out when they arrive.

    Besides, raising three kids in that kind of setting is probably not great for them to model their own behaviors in their future relationships based upon what they're witnessing at home in their youth.
  8. fhm555

    fhm555 So FOS my eyes are brown Supporting Member

    Feb 16, 2011
    You are not stuck, you are staying by choice, and rationalizing the choice as the alternative being too expensive.

    What's the going rate for a miserable life after that life has been lived?

    Sounds typically codependent to me.

    Catch her at whatever it is your wife is doing and working so hard at hiding from you and use it to lever full custody of your kids in the divorce, then move on and do whatever it takes to rebuild. It might take some time to rebuild, but in the long run your kids (and you) will be so much better off.
  9. BurningSkies

    BurningSkies CRAZY BALDHEAD

    Feb 20, 2005
    Seweracuse, NY
    Avoiding the 'fools choice' mentally is great advice. "damned if you do, damned if you don't" isn't a reality its a mindset.
  10. Unrepresented

    Unrepresented Something Borderline Offensive

    Jul 1, 2006
    San Diego, CA
    Neither addressing your alcoholism or your health (you mention being overweight) have to be expensive and will both reduce the amount of strain on your relationship with your wife as well as make the life of your children much better.

    Other people are harder to change than ourselves, address your own issues first.
  11. gttim


    Dec 12, 2009
    Atlanta, GA
    Just get out. You are not doing yourself or your kids any favors. Your wife will get child support. Alimony is no longer always granted, and if it is, for a limited time. Get a cheap apartment. Your wife will have to work full-time and start doing chores. If she can't, you can get the kids and child support. If not, you are still much better off. The kids are better off.

    And get a good lawyer. A good lawyer can get a decent deal worked out. Do not just give her everything. You will regret it. Be fair, but stand up for yourself.

    Life is too short to put up with such crap.
  12. HaMMerHeD


    May 20, 2005
    Norman, OK, USA
    My hunch is that she may be using your alcoholism as a get-out-of-responsibility-free card. Quit drinking, get your own affairs in order, and get a divorce. I myself would (and did) sue for full custody, but that may not be for everyone.

    "We" don't have to afford anything. You afford yours, and she will have to afford hers.
  13. big +1. get yourself clean, then save your life; by the end your children will thank you.
  14. quit doing for her. you have 3 children to raise, not 4.
  15. Art Araya

    Art Araya

    May 29, 2006
    Palm Coast, FL
    If you are an alcoholic how clearly are u seeing the situation? Ive known several and they are all selfish and deluded. It just comes with the disease. You should sober up. Get in shape. Continue with counseling and trust what they are saying to you. If they are focusing on your issues and not your wife's then trust that they are seeing the problem clearer than you are.

    After doing these things youll be in a better place to make a clear-headed decision.
  16. hdracer


    Feb 15, 2009
    Elk River, MN.

    As a recovering alcoholic I can tell you first hand that while you are drinking everything looks like it is going ageist you.
    Sober up and look at things with a clear mind.
    May be, just may be you are a part of the problem.

    If not, stay sober and move on.
  17. GKon

    GKon Supporting Member, Boom-Chicka-Boom

    Feb 17, 2013
    Queens, NY
    Exactly this!
  18. MakiSupaStar

    MakiSupaStar The Lowdown Diggler

    Apr 12, 2006
    Huntington Beach, CA
    Ugh. Clean yourself up, you'll feel better. Then assess whether or not you want to stay in the relationship. If you decide to divorce, don't make an emotional announcement, just start preparing as much as you can. Financially, it might bankrupt you, if that's part of the preparation, accept it, then do it. Get a lawyer. The big 'announcement' to her, shouldn't be a big announcement at all. It should be the last step of a long laundry list of things to get done.
  19. From a guy divorced for 10 years.. That had the same situation..She will never change... But you can.. Get yourself together.. Cut out the self medication.. Start getting your mind and body in the best shape possible.. She may come around and change her ways. If not you'll be better off either-way.. Give her reason to respect you.. She doesn't right now and kissing her butt won't help.. Goodluck
  20. UncleFluffy


    Mar 8, 2009
    Head Tinkerer, The Flufflab
    Couldn't have said it better myself.