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Any one else stuck in a horrible marriage?

capnjim

capnjim

Mar 13, 2008
2,088
2,949
#1
My wife doesn't like me...plain and simple. We have been to many counselling sessions and I try to do everything on her "list"
She won't even consider my list until I do 100% of hers.
I work full time, drive kids to school, get home, cook dinner, clean up, make lunches. She works half time and I am not allowed to ask what she does with her time.
Our house is a cluttered disaster as she is a border line hoarder.
We don't fight, there's just nothing there. She thinks she's perfect. She is a great mom.
I'm also an alcoholic...I know, I should quit, but I don't get drunk, just drink to numb the lonelieness.
We have three kids and are slowly, very slowly, drowning in debt.
Divorce is not an option as we could not afford two houses/apartments.
Any one else stuck?
I would consider an affair, but who would have a fat old father of three still living with his wife!
Thanks for letting me vent!
 
#4
Sorry, but it sounds like you are living a one sided relationship.....her side. You say you are doing all that various "stuff" and try to first take care of her "list" 100% before she will even consider yours? AND you are not "allowed" to ask her what she does with her time.

Seriously? Really? Don't you see that problem with all that yourself? Why does she have so much leeway and you do not?

Sorry for the rant on my part. I'm not in a bad marriage, but ALMOST was. I was dealing with some bad stuff and, thankfully, opened my eyes and got out before I was neck deep in the muck.
 
#6
That sounds terrible. I'm sorry. But I'm assuming you love your children, so at least something good came out of it.

It makes one question the wisdom of entering into a contract that fails more often than it succeeds.
 
#7
There's always a way, even if its logistically difficult. Sort of like with kids...there's no convenient time to have them, but you'll figure it out when they arrive.

Besides, raising three kids in that kind of setting is probably not great for them to model their own behaviors in their future relationships based upon what they're witnessing at home in their youth.
 
#8
You are not stuck, you are staying by choice, and rationalizing the choice as the alternative being too expensive.

What's the going rate for a miserable life after that life has been lived?

Sounds typically codependent to me.

Catch her at whatever it is your wife is doing and working so hard at hiding from you and use it to lever full custody of your kids in the divorce, then move on and do whatever it takes to rebuild. It might take some time to rebuild, but in the long run your kids (and you) will be so much better off.
 
#11
Just get out. You are not doing yourself or your kids any favors. Your wife will get child support. Alimony is no longer always granted, and if it is, for a limited time. Get a cheap apartment. Your wife will have to work full-time and start doing chores. If she can't, you can get the kids and child support. If not, you are still much better off. The kids are better off.

And get a good lawyer. A good lawyer can get a decent deal worked out. Do not just give her everything. You will regret it. Be fair, but stand up for yourself.

Life is too short to put up with such crap.
 
#12
My hunch is that she may be using your alcoholism as a get-out-of-responsibility-free card. Quit drinking, get your own affairs in order, and get a divorce. I myself would (and did) sue for full custody, but that may not be for everyone.

"We" don't have to afford anything. You afford yours, and she will have to afford hers.
 
#13
HaMMerHeD said:
My hunch is that she may be using your alcoholism as a get-out-of-responsibility-free card. Quit drinking, get your own affairs in order, and get a divorce. I myself would (and did) sue for full custody, but that may not be for everyone.

"We" don't have to afford anything. You afford yours, and she will have to afford hers.
Click to expand...

big +1. get yourself clean, then save your life; by the end your children will thank you.
 
#15
If you are an alcoholic how clearly are u seeing the situation? Ive known several and they are all selfish and deluded. It just comes with the disease. You should sober up. Get in shape. Continue with counseling and trust what they are saying to you. If they are focusing on your issues and not your wife's then trust that they are seeing the problem clearer than you are.


After doing these things youll be in a better place to make a clear-headed decision.
 
#16
Art Araya said:
If you are an alcoholic how clearly are u seeing the situation? Ive known several and they are all selfish and deluded. It just comes with the disease. You should sober up. Get in shape. Continue with counseling and trust what they are saying to you. If they are focusing on your issues and not your wife's then trust that they are seeing the problem clearer than you are.


After doing these things youll be in a better place to make a clear-headed decision.
Click to expand...

+1

As a recovering alcoholic I can tell you first hand that while you are drinking everything looks like it is going ageist you.
Sober up and look at things with a clear mind.
May be, just may be you are a part of the problem.

If not, stay sober and move on.
 
#18
Ugh. Clean yourself up, you'll feel better. Then assess whether or not you want to stay in the relationship. If you decide to divorce, don't make an emotional announcement, just start preparing as much as you can. Financially, it might bankrupt you, if that's part of the preparation, accept it, then do it. Get a lawyer. The big 'announcement' to her, shouldn't be a big announcement at all. It should be the last step of a long laundry list of things to get done.
 
#19
From a guy divorced for 10 years.. That had the same situation..She will never change... But you can.. Get yourself together.. Cut out the self medication.. Start getting your mind and body in the best shape possible.. She may come around and change her ways. If not you'll be better off either-way.. Give her reason to respect you.. She doesn't right now and kissing her butt won't help.. Goodluck
 

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