I got out of a similar situation in 2006, and it turned my life around. I don't see my kid as much as I'd like, but I discovered I could be happy even in my late 40s.
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Any one else stuck in a horrible marriage?
- Thread starter capnjim
- Start date
This. Read it 2x because it's damn good advice and should be top priority.
Secondly, and I'm trying to word this properly.. you and your wife both need a big time retraining.
Everything you describe can be attributed to a couple who have reached a plateau were they are simply bored and disillusioned. If it stays as is, it'll die. Might as well not prolong the inevitable, but if there's any hope of saving it and making it better - check out unrepresented's advice above. It's a bullseye.
Start there.
And also STOP stop stop catering to her. Throw away the lists and start being you. Lose weight, quit the drinking buy some new clothes and maybe even take her out for a nice dinner, even if you can't stand the very sight of her - do it anyway. Catch her off guard.
One thing I've learned from some of my past situations - if you're angry, anger is just another flavor of "hurt" and that can be fixed but one of you has to take the first step. I would give it one last damn good try before I decided to walk away...
just MHO
my gf has bad ocd, so i can get pretty down sometimes too about give and take scenarios, sorry you are feeling so bad, but don't drink, make some drawings or exercise with your kids you'll feel better and maybe get a more reflective perspective
A buddy of mine recently quit drinking on a daily basis and has become a big workout buff. He didn't realize just how much of an effect the drinking was having on his energy and emotional health until he quit. Now He couldn't be happier..
Taking the first steps toward quitting drinking and/or getting in shape are pretty daunting, but if you can get that ball rolling and start seeing the positive effects you won't regret it..
Taking the first steps toward quitting drinking and/or getting in shape are pretty daunting, but if you can get that ball rolling and start seeing the positive effects you won't regret it..
Thanks for all the advice. I guess quiting the booze is a good step. I have tried, but as a lot of you know, its tough. I know I'm an alcoholic, but I don't feel like one. I don't get drunk, I drink and it just perks me up a bit. I never pass out, never get mad or throw fits. Its artificial happiness.
In the opinion of your wife, have you ever completed an item on her list to her satisfaction?
-Mike
-Mike
BurningSkies
CRAZY BALDHEAD
- Feb 20, 2005
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You don't have to be a fall down stinkin' drunk to be an alcoholic. And if you're using it as an 'escape' from home that's not doing anyone any good. It also sounds like it might be the tail that's wagging the dog at this point.
You'd be surprised how much even light drinking fuzzies up your brain. The results of heavy drinking like hangovers are pretty self-evident; it's the much less noticable 2-3 days of not quite being mentally sharp every time you even lightly drink that really start to mess you up.
Stop for a month and a half and you'll have faster reflexes, a better attention span, and be able to better handle complex tasks. Those things alone will help you take a clearer look at your situation. Throw in daily exercise during the same period (which busts depression and further clears your head) and you'll be in a much better place to tackle whatever problems you're facing. Very good advice from the guys here recommending you stop thinking in terms of "we" and take care of yourself first. Take better care of yourself and you're automatically going to take much better care of your kids.
+1 on all the comments for general self improvement, +1000 for Relic's comments. And as someone much wiser than I once said, "The long, dull, monotonous years of middle-aged prosperity or middle-aged adversity are excellent campaigning weather for the devil." (C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters)
- May 30, 2000
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Stop drinking, getting help may make that easier and start walking an hour a day. In a few months you'll be right as rain.
Agreed on getting clean before trying to tackle everything else. The only downside is that dealing with hard issues sober is a little more challenging. I had to dry out in 2004 and it was very difficult dealing with issues in a sober state instead of getting hammered every time something upset me.
I can't say that my marital issues are as big as the OP's. I married a princess, which comes with a lot of things I wouldn't have anticipated.
I can't say that my marital issues are as big as the OP's. I married a princess, which comes with a lot of things I wouldn't have anticipated.
slobake
resident ... something
Wow it sounds tought Cap'n. The only advice I have is to listen to that small voice inside of you that gets shouted down by so much other stuff. You know what is the right the to do the problem we all have is finding the courage to do it.
First things first and I totally agree with this.
I was in a horrible marriage and have been divorced and alone for 20 years now. No complaints. I looked at it this way...Yes, I took a vow for better or worse but I never agreed to put up with the ridiculous. Never again.
After you stop drinking, then stop doing whatever your wife demands. You'll have more respect for yourself as will your children.
I'd focus on the kids and ignore the wife to whatever extent possible. Kids do a good job keeping loneliness away and can be a lot of fun. Children are a joy to spend time with and you should be sober for that.
I'd focus on the kids and ignore the wife to whatever extent possible. Kids do a good job keeping loneliness away and can be a lot of fun. Children are a joy to spend time with and you should be sober for that.
6jase5
Mammogram is down but I'm working manually
Sums up my thoughts. Don't wait for her or anyone else to change or in a year from now you'll be starting the same thread. Also, you are shaping 3 lives...ask yourself if this is the life you want for them as most likely they will follow in your footsteps.
Good luck
sleep in your car!!!!
i did just that until i could afford a hotel room, then an apartment. i would also sleep at our rehearsal space when i had the boys. it was WAY more tolerable than dealing with a stressful relationship! gl.
i did just that until i could afford a hotel room, then an apartment. i would also sleep at our rehearsal space when i had the boys. it was WAY more tolerable than dealing with a stressful relationship! gl.
Once one partner loses respect for the other, the ship is on the rocks, and without intervention it will only deteriorate with time.
Only with good professional counseling and complete willingness and transparency from both partners can you get to the root of the issues and set the relationship on a healthier course.
Your situation is not a simple one; it is multi-faceted, and no amount of advice on any on-line chat site is going to help very much. Seek professional help, even if you have to file a claim or dig deep financially. Wishing you only the best.
Only with good professional counseling and complete willingness and transparency from both partners can you get to the root of the issues and set the relationship on a healthier course.
Your situation is not a simple one; it is multi-faceted, and no amount of advice on any on-line chat site is going to help very much. Seek professional help, even if you have to file a claim or dig deep financially. Wishing you only the best.
