Any one else stuck in a horrible marriage?

[bassinplace]

Fix what you can right now. You know you have a drinking problem. This is a major contributor to your unhappiness. If you can get that under control, it will help you have the fortitude to decide how best to implement the solutions to other areas that you currently find problematic.

 

[BassyBill]

From a guy divorced for 10 years.. That had the same situation..She will never change... But you can.. Get yourself together.. Cut out the self medication.. Start getting your mind and body in the best shape possible.. She may come around and change her ways. If not you'll be better off either-way.. Give her reason to respect you.. She doesn't right now and kissing her butt won't help.. Goodluck

Great post.

 

[Relic]

Having been through a nasty divorce once already I would have to say that I'm surprised that so many here are saying to get out of the marriage. If you have young kids, then I think it's a good idea to try everything you possibly can before you go that route.

I sure wasn't happy when I was married to my ex, but in retrospect the one thing that I have learned from the whole ordeal is that when a relationship breaks down like that, it's very often not as one-sided as you might think. Both sides tend to share blame, it certainly may not be a 50/50 thing but it's there. It can be like a domino effect - one side settles into a pattern of behavior, the other side develops a pattern of behavior to cope or to spite or to escape, and it ping pongs back and forth until it falls flat.
To me, it sounds like *both* parties here need to change their perspectives and routines. The OP cant force change on his wife but he can change himself. This, in the end may be just the catalyst for his wife to follow. Maybe she won't who knows. Sometimes marriages fail and there's no saving it, but I also believe that we're way too quick to jump ship sometimes especially when a situation may not be as lopsided as it seems.
Change yourself first. There's only good things that can come from it whether it's with your wife or without.

 

[Indiana Mike]

Hang in there .

Your not stuck , your scared.

Get yourself healthy and sober.

Then take control.

 

[fhm555]

OK, here is another possibility. You may well be an alcoholic, and at first blush if you think that's true, it may well be, but a lot of people who thought they were alcoholics because of a prolonged bout of problem drinking found that excessive alcohol consumption was a symptom of an underlying problem rather than the problem.

Not saying this is true, just saying it's possible you are rationalizing your drinking as alcoholic because the truth is you do it because you can't stand being around your wife unless you in an altered state and right now you really want the opposite to be true, so instead of addressing the root problem you drink as a way to cope with a truth you refuse to accept.

Either way, get your butt to AA ASAP and give it an honest chance to work. The worst that can happen is you reject it before you give it an honest try.

Another way to get a read on your current behavior is to read up on the alcoholic's moment of clarity. It is a very reliable test for the difference between alcoholic and problem drinking if someone is already thinking they have a drinking problem. You have passed denial which is the single biggest killer of otherwise decent people so now it's more a matter of sorting the details than establishing your condition regards alcohol.

If you feel you have a drinking problem you do, so get started getting sober or keep rationalizing. You may not need to leave to get sober, but you do need to get at least dried out before you make that decision, and if you truly have a problem, an open mind and a little AA will work. Some need it for life, some need it for a while and some need it just long enough to realize the difference between alcoholism and problem drinking, but AA is the best thing for you short term.

 

[45acp]

OK, here is another possibility. You may well be an alcoholic, and at first blush if you think that's true, it may well be, but a lot of people who thought they were alcoholics because of a prolonged bout of problem drinking found that excessive alcohol consumption was a symptom of an underlying problem rather than the problem.

That was me (years ago in my first marriage). I went through times when I thought I was dabbling with alcoholism- never got drunk or acted out mind you- but I drank 6-10 beers every day "after 5:00". Just enough to have that nice fog... which allowed me to cope with my wife's constant misery.

I eventually caught her cheating, which gave me a way out of the toxic scene. Once I got out of that relationship I quit drinking every day... without even trying. Honestly, I never even gave it a thought- but it dawned on me a few months after we were split that I just don't have the desire to get foggy every day anymore. I now drink on average twice a week... maybe one beer after mowing the yard, maybe 3-4 at rehearsal or a gig.

In hindsight, I wasn't drinking every day because I was an alcoholic... I was drinking every day to cope with being in a relationship with someone who simply could not be happy under any circumstances.

 

[tastybasslines]

sleep in your car!!!!

i did just that until i could afford a hotel room, then an apartment. i would also sleep at our rehearsal space when i had the boys. it was WAY more tolerable than dealing with a stressful relationship! gl.

Why get an apartment when you can get a cheap lockout?? Brilliant!

 

[tastybasslines]

I give to you the following quote, after I realized that the "'I'll take care of you if you take care of me" is based on entitlement. You'll do something only if something is done for you.

"I'll take care of me for you, if you take care of you for me" - This makes so much more sense.

The road to a better relationship, not just in this one, but for future ones is to care for yourself first. If you cannot, like you can't do now - how can you care for another?

 

[MatticusMania]

I give to you the following quote, after I realized that the "'I'll take care of you if you take care of me" is based on entitlement. You'll do something only if something is done for you.

"I'll take care of me for you, if you take care of you for me" - This makes so much more sense.

The road to a better relationship, not just in this one, but for future ones is to care for yourself first. If you cannot, like you can't do now - how can you care for another?

Well said.

 

[slobake]

Well said.

As a wise sage once said "If you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to give."

 

[bluesblaster]

0 + 0 = 0

 

[Tomkat8]

Take it from experience..... You can always leave.. But you can never go back! Give it everything before you leave

 

[atomicdog]

My advice, don't take marital advice from folks on a bass forum. If you're looking for sympathy from guys who couldn't make their marriages work, and encouragement to bail on your kids, you came to right place. No one here knows your situation, the dynamic of the relationship.

 

[wmheilma]

Atomic dog says it true. Perhaps try bpdfamily.com and up your game on how you can do better. Because the only person you can change is you

 

[1SHOT1HIT]

Play with your kids!
Then.....play with them again, & again, & again, & again, & again.....NOTHING is more important for both you, & them right now, especially right now.

You cannot change your wife, only she can change herself.
You cannot MAKE your marriage better, you can only make you better, the other half will always be her responsibility.
If she chooses to change than great, if she doesn't then what? You wasted tons of energy on a pointless situation you NEVER had control of.
Stop drinking, obviously NOBODY likes an alcoholic, not her, not your kids, and apparently not even yourself. Is it really making you happy?
No! All it's doing is giving you a false sense of content.
Had you not been leaning on that all along, it's likely that you'd have already corrected this situation long ago.
You drink because you're not happy, right?
Well, guess what....unless you're pissed, fed up, burnt out, and over the BS, you're not gonna do anything to change anything.
Because it's easier to get a slight buzz and pretend it's all okay for the night, only to wake up and realize you're nightmare started the minute you opened your eyes.
You NEED to hurt, you NEED to get mad....it's healthy, & far more productive than artificial alcohol induced bliss.

Everything you do in life starts with a first step.
So take a day or two to yourself, & really figure out what YOU want.
If you want the marriage, then plan out JUST your first step in that direction, worry about planning step two after you've executed and completed step one.
Share these goals with her AFTER you've completed a few things. But DO NOT count on her support yet, be prepared for her to minimize your efforts.
If you don't want the marriage, then plan that first step in that direction. Be prepared to lose your kids, & pay support, but fight for the opposite. Don't wait for the blow prepare for both now. If this is your plan, keep your mouth shut and just start changing yourself for the better.
Don't reveal your hand to anyone. In the meantime, start looking for things to do with the kids EVERYDAY!
Go to the park.
Go for a walk.
Go see a movie.
Go do anything they think is cool.
Go visit family.
Find anything they like, & do it as often as possible. If she sees you guys having a great time, & there's anything there she'll eventually want to go too.

Hope some of this helps man!
But honestly only you know what is going to help. I sense the issue is that you've become so complacent it's easier to just drink a few and push the effort of for later.
Just know that you're only hurting yourself in the long run.

 

[capnjim]

Thanks everyone...a lot of wisdom here. I know I'm not going to find a solution on a bass forum. But its nice to have somewhere to vent a little.
Plus, this is not your average forum. The folks here, on average, are the nicest bunch you will find anywhere.

 

[spade2you]

I know I'm not going to find a solution on a bass forum.

Better here than a guitar forum.

 

[Robus]

+1

As a recovering alcoholic I can tell you first hand that while you are drinking everything looks like it is going ageist you.
Sober up and look at things with a clear mind.
May be, just may be you are a part of the problem.

If not, stay sober and move on.

+2.

Stop drinking. It's amazing how everything else tends to improve when you do that one thing.

 

[MatticusMania]

I was stuck in a horrible marriage up until I realized that I wasnt. We had just lost a child and I was an emotional wreck. For some reason it seemed like the right thing to do.
My wife had horrible bdp. I tried for over a year to make things work, but that woman was insufferable.
She enjoyed creating misery, and seemed to enjoy even more driving a reasonable man to the brink of his sanity.
Her constant button pushing almost made me someone who I never wanted to be.
When it came down to it I realized the only way I was ever going to live my life with any sort of happiness required me to free myself from her, and so I did.
My sense of self returned to me almost immediately.
Though Ive had imperfect relationships since, Ive never been involved with a another woman thats made (or tried to make) me into someone Im not.

 

[BurningSkies]

Thanks everyone...a lot of wisdom here. I know I'm not going to find a solution on a bass forum. But its nice to have somewhere to vent a little.
Plus, this is not your average forum. The folks here, on average, are the nicest bunch you will find anywhere.

If you have any serious medical concerns or conditions, we'd be happy to help there too.