After sleeping on this, I wanted to add some things that may be helpful to cope with your situation as well as others in similar predicaments. I, too, felt like I was in a similar ordeal a year or so ago and for quite a few years. I thought couldn't stand me, no matter what I did. I read a lot of advice online and a book or two. Eventually I changed MYSELF instead of being constantly upset that she had changed, particularly after starting a family.
I was angry that she wasn't paying attention to me like she used to so I started thinking of things (like your lists) to do to put me back on her priority list. Nothing worked.
After truly accepting the fact that I was on her list of priorities just under the dog and maybe tied with her iPhone, it freed me up to focus on the things I wanted to do, not wasting my time trying to please her and get back in her good graces.
This was a big revelation for me. The monkey was off my back, as if a bad chatty-catty, negative-nelly, debbie-downer, buzz-killington, co-worker and waster of your time finally decides to leave the company. Suddenly your productivity shoots to the roof.
With the time and now the freedom to do what I wanted, I decided to, bringing things full circle, learn to play the bass. Not just learn it, but eventually master it and even learn how to build one (which I did). Yeah, I got some grief about and she is really not all that impressed with my progress after 7 months, but I don't really care any more. I know what I have to do to get where I want to be and its independent of her opinion. I'm still in the same position on her list and she has moved down a few spots on mine.
And that's the problem. You have fallen on her priority list whereas she is still at the top of yours, which is where she was before kids. You both need to be on the same level of priority to each other so if you are 5th or 6th on her list and she is still 1st or second, move her down. The kids go higher, the getting sober and therefore your health becomes your next priority after your kids, then your career goals, then your personal goals (becoming a better musician, learning to sail, go fishing more, etc). THEN your wife.
This will make a giant difference in your life, your kids' lives and even your marriage, because you will be genuinely happy in your own skin and it will show. Ironically, the less time you spend obscessing about your relationship, the more your wife will be attracted to you.
"Doesn't mean that much to me to mean that much to you." - Neil Young
And bringing this to a bass forum was totally appropriate in my opinion. You feel comfortable here, as if you are talking to friends. If I, as a bass myself, wrote a post saying that I was sturuggling with triads, or improvisation or creating basslines that are in my head but I just can't get my fingers to cooperate, I would wager that the majority of replies would tell me NOT to give up and genuinely offer tips from their experiences about what worked for them. Practice, practice, practice and most importantly don't give up. Don't do the same thing or play the same songs over and over, you won't get better. Get out of your comfort zone, etc. Don't give up and play a kazoo in a crummy studio apartment.
So if YOU, capn, wouldn't tell me to give up on bass no matter how frustrated I got as an intermediate bass player, how could I, in good conscience, tell you to give up on your family? Many people that do get divorced find inner happiness afterwards once the storm passes. Unless, there is genuine abuse in the marriage, you can find inner happiness without leaving. Remember, the hell you know is better than the hell you DON'T know.
You and your wife are playing the same song over and over. Don't try to start with another instrument (another woman) or give up on bass (your family), learn how to play the one you have better. Reinvent yourself and your whole family dynamic will change for the better, I promise.
