Any one else stuck in a horrible marriage?

[JMacBass65]

I'm really sorry to hear how hard your marriage has become.

[EDIT] Only to minimize scrolling through the post again.

Ultimately, for a marriage to work, it can't be 50/50 - it has to be 100/100. If you say, "I'll do this much, but then you'll have to do the rest," then it will fail. You have to be willing to say, "I'll do whatever it takes to make this work."

This is the best post in this thread yet. Take note.

 

[Relic]

Don't leave the home! It's your home too. Chances are she is just as miserable with you as you are with her yet I would bet she is not having this internal struggle with whether or not to leave the home. Women leaving the family without bringing the kids is very rare. Men should never think it is incumbent on them to leave the home.

You mentioned that you aren't fighting and likely there is not physical abuse, just mere tolerance of each other. You're both numb and bored with each other. Change your hobbies and habits to get yourself out of the rut. I think you got the message about stopping drinking so I won't beat that dead horse.

DON'T have an affair! The last thing you want is for your kids to think you caused the family to be broken up because you couldn't control yourself. And you can't justify it by saying it because your wife didn't like you. Your wife would surely speak evil about you to your kids which will cause irreparable harm to them. Girls will have trust issues with men and your boys won't understand why Dad left. It also opens the door for another man to raise your kids. Avoid that.

Whatever age your youngest kid is right now, stay in the home until they are 18 or out of the house and on their own, or in college or whatever. Think of it as a contract with your kids instead of a contract with your wife. It's awful that you and your wife are not getting along, but suppose that it was your 10 year old child that was uncontrollable, awful and treated you and your wife terribly. Would you leave the house because of it? No, you would keep trying something else even if that included ignoring the behavior altogether.

You mentioned lists. You believe that your wife will restore her love for you if you complete a checklist of items. It is actually doing the opposite for you. Your wife won't love you if she doesn't respect you. You have unwittedly become her lap dog. If you sees you as a self-pitying drinking sloth, you're aren't the attractive to her any more. Women are attracted to confident men. Stop waiting on her. All that stuff you were doing for her, just stop doing it cold turkey.

Besides cleaning up the drinking, over the coming year redefine yourself by doing constructive things YOU want to do NOT because you want to become more attractive - physically, intellectually, emotionally, etc. Don't do it for her, do it for you; there's a difference. Women are highly intuitive and can sniff out when you are doing things for ulterior motive.

Good luck and stick with your kids in your own home.

I agree.

 

[bkbirge]

Whatever age your youngest kid is right now, stay in the home until they are 18 or out of the house and on their own, or in college or whatever. Think of it as a contract with your kids instead of a contract with your wife. It's awful that you and your wife are not getting along, but suppose that it was your 10 year old child that was uncontrollable, awful and treated you and your wife terribly. Would you leave the house because of it? No, you would keep trying something else even if that included ignoring the behavior altogether.

Some great perspective in neckdive's post but I'll take issue with this bit. It's not necessarily wrong for you but not necessarily right either. Staying in a loveless marriage "for the sake of the kids" is in my opinion one of the worst things you can do as a parent. Your kids base their future relationship expectations and behavior on their parents' interactions. They are not dumb and they see way more than most people think they do, and they soak it all up like a sponge. They have no perspective, they think down to their cores that what they see in their home is what proper relationships look like. As adults they may recognize that there was dysfunction but they will still model it because it is what they know and on some level are comfortable with. Again, maybe staying and working it out is the right move for you, I hope it is because if possible that is the best solution, the key being the "work it out" part. But staying with the status quo is not the same thing and can be very damaging.

 

[THand]

Some great perspective in neckdive's post but I'll take issue with this bit. It's not necessarily wrong for you but not necessarily right either. Staying in a loveless marriage "for the sake of the kids" is in my opinion one of the worst things you can do as a parent. Your kids base their future relationship expectations and behavior on their parents' interactions. They are not dumb and they see way more than most people think they do, and they soak it all up like a sponge. Again, maybe staying and working it out is the right move for you, I hope it is because if possible that is the best solution, the key being the "work it out" part. But staying with the status quo is not the same thing and can be very damaging.

I agree.
For the past 5 years, I stayed for the kids and that was a mistake. I think that's why she stayed too.
Instead of being able to provide at least one happy home, if not two, they were forced to live with two miserable people in one hellish house...and the misery seeped down to them through those years.
I'm out now. Divorce is in process. Staying for the kids was a sincere attempt to do what I thought was best for them, it just happened to be a huge mistake in my life, and I don't recommend it.

 

[Relic]

Some great perspective in neckdive's post but I'll take issue with this bit. It's not necessarily wrong for you but not necessarily right either. Staying in a loveless marriage "for the sake of the kids" is in my opinion one of the worst things you can do as a parent. Your kids base their future relationship expectations and behavior on their parents' interactions. They are not dumb and they see way more than most people think they do, and they soak it all up like a sponge. They have no perspective, they think down to their cores that what they see in their home is what proper relationships look like. As adults they may recognize that there was dysfunction but they will still model it because it is what they know and on some level are comfortable with. Again, maybe staying and working it out is the right move for you, I hope it is because if possible that is the best solution, the key being the "work it out" part. But staying with the status quo is not the same thing and can be very damaging.

I agree with this as well. My point from earlier was that - if there are kids involved - a divorce can be very traumatic for them, yet so can their parents staying in a bad loveless marriage. So what is the answer..?
*You work on it first before jumping ship. Do everything in your power to fix things before you take the final steps*

You want your kids to have a good view of what relationships should look like? Then there it is.

Like I said before, when marriages crumble it's not always a "100% blame on one side and 0% blame on the other" thing. Most often both sides play a part in it's failure. With that in mind, first step is to fix yourself. take a good look inward and correct your issues. It's better for you, shows your kids the right way to go about something, and might also be the catalyst for your other half to do the same. If in the end the marriage still fails anyway, then you're off to a better (re) start regardless.

 

[neckdive]

Some great perspective in neckdive's post but I'll take issue with this bit. It's not necessarily wrong for you but not necessarily right either. Staying in a loveless marriage "for the sake of the kids" is in my opinion one of the worst things you can do as a parent. Your kids base their future relationship expectations and behavior on their parents' interactions. They are not dumb and they see way more than most people think they do, and they soak it all up like a sponge. They have no perspective, they think down to their cores that what they see in their home is what proper relationships look like. As adults they may recognize that there was dysfunction but they will still model it because it is what they know and on some level are comfortable with. Again, maybe staying and working it out is the right move for you, I hope it is because if possible that is the best solution, the key being the "work it out" part. But staying with the status quo is not the same thing and can be very damaging.

Good reply, and I agree with this completely which is why I would advocate working on changing the direction and quality of your marriage "for the sake of your kids" not just hanging around a loveless marriage for their sake. The latter will likely realize the situation you described but the former includes a calculated strategy to improve yourself, thereby improving the relationship, helping the overall health of the family as a positive consequence.

Then, THIS becomes the model your sons and daughters will use in later life; how to properly cope with changing personalities, financial strains, job loss, health crises, etc. without giving up when the going gets tough. Again, an important caveat is that there is no abuse going on in the home.

And you're right, kids are excellent observers, so giving them a positive outcome to a negative situation will be a valuable life lesson. If there were no kids in this equation or if they were adults, we would be having a different conversation altogether. Small kids in the picture makes it worthwhile to improve their experience growing up by being a sound and strong father-figure. Drinking is weak and destructive, stop doing it, for everyone's sake.

The OP and his wife obviously used to love each other in the past, but people change so we have to figure out how to adapt to it. When the kids get older, they too will get into sticky problems with their respective spouses but will learn from your modelling that they can make it work if they try harder and do the right things and especially avoid do the wrong things.

 

[bassbully]

I feel for you bro'

I was there about 11 years ago. I had a horrible, ugly, controlling wife that hated me and I grew to hate her. She was a decent mother (2girls) a good worker and although she made good money she sunk us in debt.

She worked allot 6-7 days a week and when she was home she slept long hours. She suffered from depression and PTSD from her mother's death refused medication although she was in the health field. She never cleaned, rarely cooked and I was left to do everything for our kids.

Speaking of kids this is the whole and only reason you need to change. You and your wife will survive if you leave each other but the kids? Get your act together, stop the booze..now!

Start watching your weight , take the kids with you when you can spend time with them , share in their lives.

See if losing weight and not drinking will get you noticed with the wife and if it also changes you. If there is no change with your wife and life then you have two options. Stay and be miserable or plan to leave. If you are leaving the kids need to know, you might have them with you. Give them options until the court tells you otherwise that is.

I left after years of this and today am much happier for sure. I remarried, have a beautiful wife and daughter we have been married 10 years and the flame is still there. Was it easy?...hell no it was pure hell for years!
I worked two jobs for 6 years to make it and heal myself. I lost one Daughter along the way (her choice) but got my soul and dignity back. It cost me allot and I am scared forever but it had to be done.

Before you can even think to go there get yourself together man first. At least if you do and there is no change you can at least say you tired.

BTW don't even think of an affair..big problems there bro.'

 

[bassbully]

I agree.
For the past 5 years, I stayed for the kids and that was a mistake. I think that's why she stayed too.
Instead of being able to provide at least one happy home, if not two, they were forced to live with two miserable people in one hellish house...and the misery seeped down to them through those years.
I'm out now. Divorce is in process. Staying for the kids was a sincere attempt to do what I thought was best for them, it just happened to be a huge mistake in my life, and I don't recommend it.

Took me years before I learned my two Daughters knew what was going on between their mother and myself.
We thought we kept it hid..nope!

Kids know a happy home and if their parents are happy. They are allot smarter and knowing than we think.

 

[Jared Lash]

Neither addressing your alcoholism or your health (you mention being overweight) have to be expensive and will both reduce the amount of strain on your relationship with your wife as well as make the life of your children much better.

Other people are harder to change than ourselves, address your own issues first.

Indeed.

Having been through a nasty divorce once already I would have to say that I'm surprised that so many here are saying to get out of the marriage. If you have young kids, then I think it's a good idea to try everything you possibly can before you go that route.

Absolutely.

Here's the interesting thing I've noticed about some of my friends that have gotten divorced - afterward they really make changes in their life. Usually very positive changes. They get in shape, they explore new activities, they in general look for ways to be happier and healthier. And my thought is always that if they had done those things while still married they may well have avoided a divorce.

Focus on being the best version of you that you can in terms of your health, your outlook, your job and certainly as a father. My guess is that your efforts will convince your wife to follow your lead. If not then divorce may ultimately be the result. But at least you will have tried and you certainly will be in a better place in your life to deal with it if it comes to that.

But I don't think it will. I can't imagine that your wife wants to be miserable any more than you do. So fix it by making yourself happy and I think you'll be surprised as how much things can improve when you really put in effort.

 

[hrodbert696]

I don't have a citation to back it up, but I recall hearing of a study a little while back, where the results were that children of divorce actually do NOT do better than children of unhappy marriages that "stick it out for the kids' sake." Both are bad situations with negative impact on the kids, but this study (as I recall) suggested that the divorced-parent results were marginally worse (I think they were surveying self-image, depression, etc., in the kids). Of course, every situation is individual, and for every study that says one thing there's likely to be another that says the opposite.

I think the point, though, is to remember that the kids are watching how you handle things, and they will be affected by it. It's not humanly possible to guarantee them a happy home with no problems and no conflicts. Cutting and running when you have a problem and saying "I can't cope with this" teaches them a lesson, sitting and suffering and hating your life teaches them a lesson too. Neither is a good one.

One follow-up to my earlier post - a successful marriage means 100/100, not 50/50. You can't say "I'll handle half, but you have to handle the other half," because that will always lead to someone blaming the other for not doing what THEY think the other's half was, or to both getting to 48% and saying "close enough" when there's still a rift between them to crack them apart again. But also, it's 100/100, not 100/0. If the OP wants to save his marriage, he needs to prepare to give the 100% and do whatever it takes to save it. But he also needs to ask his wife if SHE is prepared to give 100% and do whatever it takes to save it. It means taking risks, being vulnerable and exposed to the other person. That's how marriage is. But you can't save a marriage when only one partner wants to.

 

[two fingers]

Catch her at whatever it is your wife is doing and working so hard at hiding from you and use it to lever full custody of your kids in the divorce, then move on and do whatever it takes to rebuild. It might take some time to rebuild, but in the long run your kids (and you) will be so much better off.

While I totally agree with the first part of your thread, my state is a "no fault" state. What that means is she could be a crack whore and it wouldn't matter. She could cheat with your best friend while you watch and it doesn't matter. You are getting full custody and you are only getting half of whatever assets you happen to own. To even get shared equal custody you would have to prove that the mother is down right horrible for the kids.

So where ever you are might be different. But not everywhere is like that. Catching her in the act will only start the divorce ball rolling. (Which you and I still agree is a good thing.)

 

[macaroni tony]

I have no advice for you Jim. I like you, and I'm sorry to hear of your situation, especially for the sake of your kids. All the best to you bud

 

[Metalbasspro]

Anyone who puts up barriers to a good working relationship is not interested in any fix.

 

[Gopherbassist]

She won't even consider my list until I do 100% of hers.

Not even worth your time. I'm sure it's been said many times, but just get out. If she's not even willing to try, your efforts will always be wasted.

 

[Lee H]

sorry if I am repeating something (I am tired, and not in the mood to read through all of this)

is counseling an option? I know a lot of people are telling you to get out, but be sure that is really what you want. I let a wonderful woman get away from me. I realized later that the fault was more mine than hers. I didn't see it at the time, but very few people do recognize when they are the problem. We judge others by their actions, but judge ourselves by our intentions. It is sometimes hard to get past our own perspective to see that of another.

 

[drummer5359]

I was in a miserable marriage for 13 years. No kids, but I hung in there anyway as I thought that it was the right thing to do. January 31st 2008 I suffered a stroke and she didn't bother to come to the hospital. THAT is the day that I realized that I needed to move on.

I moved out, struggled financially, dealt with hurt, anger, depression, etc. Then I got it together. I met my sweetheart six months later and we have a great life together. I look back on my years with "old what's her name" and can't believe that I accepted my miserable life as long as I did.

Do what you need to do to break ties, take care of your kids, start to rebuild your life.

 

[Tony In Philly]

I would suggest hiring a private detective and find out what she's up to during her half day that you're not allowed to ask about. If she's up to no good then skillfully use the information to your best advantage. If it's nothing but her just lazing around doing nothing then use that information as well. It looks like she's created a nasty chess match using real people.

 

[Marley's Ghost]

www.shrink4men.com