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Band Drama, Your Thoughts Please

#81
I've only read page one but the solution seems obvious. Everyone quit-- short hiatus-- then reform under different name. No one's name is tarnished and maybe M1 finds a new band that the family members can terrorize.

BTW This gives rise to another very important point. All of you in the band feel VERY grateful that you CAN walk away from this situation. Realize that M1 HAS to GO HOME to these people! :eek:
 
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#82
ChrisB2 said:
I agree, tons of great advice! Thanks to everyone who responded. Yes, I will update the thread with whatever happens.

One thing I have decided for sure, any sign of drama from M1's family, I'm quitting on the spot. No notice. I'm done. This thread showed me that. If the others want to reform without him, fine. But I'm done with it. If they behave, we'll still have a discussion, not sure where that will go but I will report back.

Thanks again TalkBass! Wow, what a great community!! :thumbsup:
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Unless there are projectiles heading in your direction, I would still finish the gig and then quit as you don't want to be met in the parking lot by said family members (unless you have Jackie Chan-like skills of course, in which case, bring it on!).
 
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#83
ChrisB2 said:
One thing I have decided for sure, any sign of drama from M1's family, I'm quitting on the spot. No notice. I'm done. This thread showed me that. If the others want to reform without him, fine. But I'm done with it. If they behave, we'll still have a discussion, not sure where that will go but I will report back.
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I'm not fully understanding the "family drama". I understand that the dramatic family members can show up to gigs at a public venue, but outside of that, why does the band have to deal with them? This thread gives (me) the impression that M1 goes everywhere with his dramatic family in tow.

Playing music in a band is usually an enjoyable experience, so sometimes the fact that it is a job and a business gets lost. In this case, in this business, M1 and his family are creating a hostile work environment, and need to go immediately. The entire band should meet with M1 to show unification. Hopefully, you can meet in "neutral territory" without his dramatic family. Simply list the reasons the band can't continue with him as a member, and compassionately tell him that you're letting him go. If he becomes dramatic, simply point out that his behavior is reinforcing your decision, and show him the door.
 
#84
Well, nothing happened. (Sorry)

I need to offer a mea culpa. I may have been overly dramatic myself with this thread. Let me fill in some more details.

So, yes, M1 has issues with performance and his family brings drama, but I may have overstated the drama. Two gigs back a family member did get cut off, exploded in rage, and threw a chair. The owner said they would not cancel our next gig but that we were hereby on probation. Previously, the same member cursed out a different owner that cut him off but that owner has continued booking us. This same family member and another problem family member have caused grief a few times over the years but not often. A different family member has caused problems in the past but has behaved the last few years. That's about the extent of the family drama.

M1's performance issues are real and ongoing but in this band, we all have issues at times. I would guess every band has performance issues from time to time? I know every band I've been in has. Personally, I can't fault anyone for imperfect performance, I fail myself at every gig. Each of the members in this band have flubs every gig, although I do consider us a pretty decent band... we have fun. But M1's performance issues is the biggest gripe among M2 and M4.

I did not initiate the idea of replacing M1, that was one of the others. They have valid concerns, but I was fine going along with the status quo before this all came up (as I mentioned, the talk of replacement was happening before I knew about it). So, really, this all hit me out of the blue about a week ago, and then to help myself sort it out I started this thread.

Anyhoo... to get to the events of Saturday night's gig... what's the opposite of Murphy's Law? Anything that could go right, DID go right. It was very awkward at first, as the three of us knew what might come later, but we started out as usual. Like I said earlier, it was a combined bar gig/birthday party for one of M1's family members, so there was a large turnout for M1 (he usually brings the crowd too, another tidbit I left out previously).

So, we had a good crowd that stayed throughout the last note, huge turnout thanks to M1, we all played great, M1 performed at the top of his game, his family behaved exceptionally well, and the problem chair-thrower actually apologized to us for that incident and promised to behave in the future. Oh yeah, and we were so pumped for having a great night, I outdid myself and earned a couple of new bass fans. All in all one of the best gigs we've had in years.

Ugh... LOL

So, when packing up I told them both that I felt that I no longer wanted to be part of ousting M1 (they knew I was already uncomfortable going behind his back). Unless, of course, there is more future drama, which I stand by my new decision to have zero tolerance for.

I don't know what will happen with the auditions that M4 already scheduled for this week, or what will happen at next week's gig, but for now I have renewed faith in M1 and this band and have decided to step back from the replacement option. I know that's probably disappointing to some of you, but it just feels right at this time.

I know, I know, I have no one to blame but myself if this blows up in a week, yada yada. You tried to set me straight, and I thank you for that. I just think that for me, the right thing to do right now is ride this out a little longer and see what happens.

Thank you again for all your support and advice, I will continue to update this thread as it's warranted. Thanks TB!
 
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#86
ChrisB2 said:
Well, nothing happened. (Sorry)

I need to offer a mea culpa. I may have been overly dramatic myself with this thread. Let me fill in some more details.

So, yes, M1 has issues with performance and his family brings drama, but I may have overstated the drama. Two gigs back a family member did get cut off, exploded in rage, and threw a chair. The owner said they would not cancel our next gig but that we were hereby on probation. Previously, the same member cursed out a different owner that cut him off but that owner has continued booking us. This same family member and another problem family member have caused grief a few times over the years but not often. A different family member has caused problems in the past but has behaved the last few years. That's about the extent of the family drama.

M1's performance issues are real and ongoing but in this band, we all have issues at times. I would guess every band has performance issues from time to time? I know every band I've been in has. Personally, I can't fault anyone for imperfect performance, I fail myself at every gig. Each of the members in this band have flubs every gig, although I do consider us a pretty decent band... we have fun. But M1's performance issues is the biggest gripe among M2 and M4.

I did not initiate the idea of replacing M1, that was one of the others. They have valid concerns, but I was fine going along with the status quo before this all came up (as I mentioned, the talk of replacement was happening before I knew about it). So, really, this all hit me out of the blue about a week ago, and then to help myself sort it out I started this thread.

Anyhoo... to get to the events of Saturday night's gig... what's the opposite of Murphy's Law? Anything that could go right, DID go right. It was very awkward at first, as the three of us knew what might come later, but we started out as usual. Like I said earlier, it was a combined bar gig/birthday party for one of M1's family members, so there was a large turnout for M1 (he usually brings the crowd too, another tidbit I left out previously).

So, we had a good crowd that stayed throughout the last note, huge turnout thanks to M1, we all played great, M1 performed at the top of his game, his family behaved exceptionally well, and the problem chair-thrower actually apologized to us for that incident and promised to behave in the future. Oh yeah, and we were so pumped for having a great night, I outdid myself and earned a couple of new bass fans. All in all one of the best gigs we've had in years.

Ugh... LOL

So, when packing up I told them both that I felt that I no longer wanted to be part of ousting M1 (they knew I was already uncomfortable going behind his back). Unless, of course, there is more future drama, which I stand by my new decision to have zero tolerance for.

I don't know what will happen with the auditions that M4 already scheduled for this week, or what will happen at next week's gig, but for now I have renewed faith in M1 and this band and have decided to step back from the replacement option. I know that's probably disappointing to some of you, but it just feels right at this time.

I know, I know, I have no one to blame but myself if this blows up in a week, yada yada. You tried to set me straight, and I thank you for that. I just think that for me, the right thing to do right now is ride this out a little longer and see what happens.

Thank you again for all your support and advice, I will continue to update this thread as it's warranted. Thanks TB!
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There's an underlying reason behind this family's misbehavior. Alcohol, drugs, abuse. Whatever. One "good" night does not outweigh all the bad.

Your professional drummer is looking for a way out. Down playing the problems doesn't help anyone.

I suggest still having a band meeting and laying all the cards on the table. See how the BL reacts when things are going well.
 
#88
Since the BL brings the crowd with him wherever you play, the venue owners don't really care how good, bad or in different the band is.

Even if you all quit and took the band name with you, you won't have the crowd and the venue won't make the money.

You sure you weren't trolling? Sure feels like it based on your reframing, revising and rewording of your OP:cautious:.

I mean, you've been a TB member for more than 10 years and that's the best you can do?
 
#89
ChrisB2 said:
...

So, when packing up I told them both that I felt that I no longer wanted to be part of ousting M1 (they knew I was already uncomfortable going behind his back). Unless, of course, there is more future drama, which I stand by my new decision to have zero tolerance for.

I don't know what will happen with the auditions that M4 already scheduled for this week, or what will happen at next week's gig, but for now I have renewed faith in M1 and this band and have decided to step back from the replacement option. I know that's probably disappointing to some of you, but it just feels right at this time.

...
Click to expand...

What did M2 and M4 say when you told them that you "no longer wanted to be part of ousting M1"?

Will you be involved in the auditions this week?
 
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#90
While I don't blame you for taking a step back from the replacement model (I mean you have played with the guy for a decade), this is turning into an interesting mess with auditions already scheduled. I think if you stick with M1 you will most likely lose M4 and maybe M2 as well. They might both walk if they find anything good in the auditions and start a new project, leaving you alone with M1 to start over.
 
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#91
TWolf said:
While I don't blame you for taking a step back from the replacement model (I mean you have played with the guy for a decade), this is turning into an interesting mess with auditions already scheduled. I think if you stick with M1 you will most likely lose M4 and maybe M2 as well. They might both walk if they find anything good in the auditions and start a new project, leaving you alone with M1 to start over.
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This is like dating other girls behind the back of your steady GF. :sour:
 
#95
TWolf said:
While I don't blame you for taking a step back from the replacement model (I mean you have played with the guy for a decade), this is turning into an interesting mess with auditions already scheduled. I think if you stick with M1 you will most likely lose M4 and maybe M2 as well. They might both walk if they find anything good in the auditions and start a new project, leaving you alone with M1 to start over.
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Thanks. Since Saturday night, I feel strongly that M4 may not stay with us, but as of right now we're discussing what to do, so he hasn't quit. If that happens, I think his predecessor is available.
 
#96
sean_on_bass said:
I don't know about you all, but if my band were on "probation" with venues i'd be looking for a way out or a major change. The reason why is almost irrelevant at that point.
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I would never disagree with that, but for me, in my particular situation, overall and all things considered, this has been a good gig for me. Over the years I've often wished for a different outlet, but it's just not in the cards. Several factors come into play including my location.
 
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#97
Stumbo said:
Since the BL brings the crowd with him wherever you play, the venue owners don't really care how good, bad or in different the band is.

Even if you all quit and took the band name with you, you won't have the crowd and the venue won't make the money.
Click to expand...

While in this neck of the woods, there's more that goes into getting bookings than just how many people you bring, there is some truth to this. That's why I mentioned it. It was definitely a consideration after Saturday night, that if M1 wasn't there, the turnout would have been much less. (By the way, M1 is not the bandleader.)

Stumbo said:
You sure you weren't trolling? Sure feels like it based on your reframing, revising and rewording of your OP:cautious:.

I mean, you've been a TB member for more than 10 years and that's the best you can do?
Click to expand...

Not sure what you're driving at with this line, but I've actually been a member much longer. I was a member under a different screen name for many years before that, which I lost due to internet inactivity and loss of email and password. But thanks anyway!
 
#100
There are SO many factors that go into replacing someone - but number of years in a band, to me, shouldn't be one of them.

I'm kinda dealing with this now with my 2nd project - the only original member is the Lead Singer, who also hustles the gigs. but he's awful as a singer. no musical timing. Despite doing these cover tunes for 7 years, he still uses lyrics sheets attached to the front of the floor monitor and STILL manages to screw up songs. babbles on mindlessly sometimes between songs to the point of embarrassment. Uses gigs more like an opportunity to pound drinks with his friends (which hurts his performance even more). he is, in fact, the worst front man I've ever had to play with.

but to replace him is to replace the band leader, and lose access to the surprisingly lucrative gigs he manages to come up with sometimes. its dicey. I'm at the point of simply "I don't care much. It's easy money and not much work". The rest of the guys realize that this dude has put a short ceiling on the band's ability to move up. nobody is quite sure what to do here.

but the fact that he's the only original member left is irrelevant.
 

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