Band Issues

[guy n. cognito]

Contrary to the assumptions of many, you don't have the ability to control mom. Also I don't buy the notion that "she's trying to turn everyone against me". Red flag there.

The only reason it's a drama for you is that you're making it so. If you're not in high school anymore, then don't act like it.

I've been in a bunch of situations where people don't like me and talk it up to everyone else. The best thing to do is give it the attention it deserves. Zero. Treat you bandmates well (and the daughter) and I doubt much will come of it.

Unfortunately, I don't think this is one of those "ignore it and it will go away" types of issues. Sometimes, an adult has to tackle issues head on. When someone is trying to sabatoge your hard work, and has the ear of those to have a direct impact, it can't be ignored.

 

[BayStateBass]

I love music as much as anyone, I think, but for those of you who are stating that the band needs to tell the mom to "back off", you're way off base.

As a parent it would be a cold day in hell that I would let a group of people in a band tell me what I should/shouldn't do with my UNDERAGE child when it comes to how they spend their time, where they are going, what they are doing, and who they are with.

In the end, this girl is a minor, and as such is ultimately the responsibility of her parents, not a group of musicians. And until one of you is appointed her "guardian", that fact won't change.

Sorry if this makes me sound like a jerk, but ultimately it's the truth. When dealing with a minor, especially in a situation like a band, expect to deal with the parents because they are the ones who are responsible for their child's activities, not you.

 

[klokker]

Unfortunately, I don't think this is one of those "ignore it and it will go away" types of issues. Sometimes, an adult has to tackle issues head on. When someone is trying to sabatoge your hard work, and has the ear of those to have a direct impact, it can't be ignored.

I guess I doubt this "sabatoge" is happening to the degree the OP is making it.

There's no way that mom can "turn everyone against me" because of Facebook posts or random complaints etc. Just don't buy it.

Getting in her face etc. will just give her the power she is seeking over the situation IMO.

 

[bassmeknik]

Getting in her face etc. will just give her the power she is seeking over the situation IMO.

+1 This will not end well period. Your band has an incurable disease. The minor no matter how competent will be a festering cancer (until she grows up enough to cut her umbilical cord) and the male singer is not on the same page as the rest of you. This will not end well. Tell mom she MUST back off or take her daughter home, and be prepared to have her do just that. Then you will have to deal with the male singer and determine what his issues are cause he is surely a festering disease also. I realize this band is a group of your friends, so you really must come clean with them about your concerns or you are next... Bands are like polygamous marriages, somehow you will have to reach an understanding with EVERYONE or this could be the beginning of the end of not just the band but your friendships as well. Don't ignore this or it will come back and bite the band (and likely at a really bad time...) deal with it now.

 

[Scooter09]

+1 This will not end well period. Your band has an incurable disease. The minor no matter how competent will be a festering cancer (until she grows up enough to cut her umbilical cord) and the male singer is not on the same page as the rest of you. This will not end well. Tell mom she MUST back off or take her daughter home, and be prepared to have her do just that. Then you will have to deal with the male singer and determine what his issues are cause he is surely a festering disease also. I realize this band is a group of your friends, so you really must come clean with them about your concerns or you are next... Bands are like polygamous marriages, somehow you will have to reach an understanding with EVERYONE or this could be the beginning of the end of not just the band but your friendships as well. Don't ignore this or it will come back and bite the band (and likely at a really bad time...) deal with it now.

She will be 18 in 6 months, but I don't know if that will change anything.

 

[NOAH_FX]

lol, some of you must be so old you forget what it's like to be 17. She's not 12.. I feel bad for the girl, sounds like she just want's to go sing and have a good time doing something she enjoys and her mom is being a pain in the @$$.

What i would do personally, is tell the girl you may have to let her go as you can't handle the mother and shouldn't have to. It isn't something you want, but it's something that seems inevitible down the line. Then let her talk to her mother. It's not like your planning a coast to coast tour.. It's a cover band...

@BayStates.. How are they off base? Yes, they don't control the daughter.. But who said they were trying to? 17 year old's have part time jobs, think the boss would let some overbearing mother tell them what's what? NO! They would just fire the 17 year old and be done with it. Which is what this may come to if the mother can't come to term's with the fact that, this is a JOB!

 

[packhowitzer]

If she consents to her being in the band that's NOT the same as being put in charge of band management.

+1

 

[jive1]

I love music as much as anyone, I think, but for those of you who are stating that the band needs to tell the mom to "back off", you're way off base.

As a parent it would be a cold day in hell that I would let a group of people in a band tell me what I should/shouldn't do with my UNDERAGE child when it comes to how they spend their time, where they are going, what they are doing, and who they are with.

In the end, this girl is a minor, and as such is ultimately the responsibility of her parents, not a group of musicians. And until one of you is appointed her "guardian", that fact won't change.

Sorry if this makes me sound like a jerk, but ultimately it's the truth. When dealing with a minor, especially in a situation like a band, expect to deal with the parents because they are the ones who are responsible for their child's activities, not you.

Well stated. In the long run, bands come and go, and the most important thing is the relationship between the parent and child, not the child and the band.

I'm not for overbearing parents, but even a level-headed 'average' parent is going to want to have a say in how the child's time is spent. I would hope a parent would step in and say something if the kid's schoolwork suffers, they are involved in questionable behaviors, or have personality changes that don't seem right.

When I was in my 20s, it would be easy for me to see any parent with something to say to be overbearing. As a parent now, I can understand a little bit more because ultimately I'm responsible for my kid and have to live with the consequences, not the band.

I think you'll need to have a heart to heart with the mom, and if you can't come to some working agreement, it's best for everyone to find a replacement. Parent/Child, Husband/Wife, etc. are not the kind of relationships you want to get stuck in the middle of.

 

[vinny]

I'm the guy who is always looking for the subtext. How 'bout this scenario:

The mom hates the fact that the daughter is in the band. She figures if she's enough a pain in the ass, the daughter will be dropped from the band. She gets what she wants & it's all that mean old bands fault. Mom doesn't have to (directly) be a bitch to the daughter.

 

[klokker]

I'm the guy who is always looking for the subtext. How 'bout this scenario:

The mom hates the fact that the daughter is in the band. She figures if she's enough a pain in the ass, the daughter will be dropped from the band. She gets what she wants & it's all that mean old bands fault. Mom doesn't have to (directly) be a bitch to the daughter.

So what? The point here is that the band really doesn't have any right or responsibility to intervene in the mother/daughter relationship at this point. So what if the parent and the child is messed up? So what it they blame the band? Big whoop.

It's not the bands problem unless they choose to make it so.

People love to become emotionally involved in other people's drama. Don't. Practice, rehearse, enjoy. Let the mother and the daughter have the problem. Don't make it yours. You really do have that choice.

 

[vinny]

So what? The point here is that the band really doesn't have any right or responsibility to intervene in the mother/daughter relationship at this point. So what if the parent and the child is messed up? So what it they blame the band? Big whoop.

It's not the bands problem unless they choose to make it so.

People love to be moral policeman and pontificate about how messed up everyone else is. Practice, rehearse, enjoy. Let the mother and the daughter have the problem. Don't make it yours.

I'm saying the same thing. Big Whoop. It's just another point of view. The fact that there's an issue in need of a resolution is the only pertinent point here. They probably should have expected some drama in bringing in a minor. Just sayin'.

Moral police? Not me.

 

[bassmeknik]

So what? People love to be moral policeman and pontificate about how messed up everyone else is. Practice, rehearse, enjoy. Let the mother and the daughter have the problem. Don't make it yours. You really do have that choice.

This made my morning. More prophetic words were never spoken on TB. Thanks kolkker

 

[Munjibunga]

start doing the mom

Wait! Wait! It has to be asked: Is mom hot?

 

[Munjibunga]

I love music as much as anyone, I think, but for those of you who are stating that the band needs to tell the mom to "back off", you're way off base.

As a parent it would be a cold day in hell that I would let a group of people in a band tell me what I should/shouldn't do with my UNDERAGE child when it comes to how they spend their time, where they are going, what they are doing, and who they are with.

In the end, this girl is a minor, and as such is ultimately the responsibility of her parents, not a group of musicians. And until one of you is appointed her "guardian", that fact won't change.

Sorry if this makes me sound like a jerk, but ultimately it's the truth. When dealing with a minor, especially in a situation like a band, expect to deal with the parents because they are the ones who are responsible for their child's activities, not you.

It doesn't sound to me like the issue has anything to do with the band telling the mom what to do with her kid. The issue is around things like promotions and the like. She has no business in how the band is run. She can accept it or drag her daughter out of it.

 

[Factor88]

Seems the opinion is dividing between "properly concerned parent" and "meddling bi43h". I say there isn't enough information given to make that call. The OP said:"It seems that everytime I do something whether it be book our band, create some type of promotion material or the latest, post a song to our website that our 44 year old guitar player with over 20 years experience approved, the mom has some kind of problem with it ". I need examples. Take the following:

Scenario 1: OP posts a u-tube video of the band at a gig. In the video, at one point the girl bends over to pick up a tambourine and her thong comes poppoing out of her jeans and is clearly visible on the video. Mom sees video, and objects.

Scenario 2. OP posts the bands latest studio song on the band's website. The girl had done three different vocal takes. Ultimately the Band (led by the OP) decides take #1 is the best and uses that treack for the final version. Mom has heard all three and believes the third take was her daughter's best one, and objects.

To me, clearly in scenario 1 the mom is properly concerned, and in scenario 2 is a meddler. So what are the specifics, OP? What has specifically she objected two and how, specifically, has she tried to turn your band against you?

 

[bassinplace]

Talk with her mother. Ask if she doesn't approve of her daughter being in your band so that you can figure out if you need to look for a replacement. Then proceed accordingly.

 

[the yeti]

I love music as much as anyone, I think, but for those of you who are stating that the band needs to tell the mom to "back off", you're way off base.

As a parent it would be a cold day in hell that I would let a group of people in a band tell me what I should/shouldn't do with my UNDERAGE child when it comes to how they spend their time, where they are going, what they are doing, and who they are with.

In the end, this girl is a minor, and as such is ultimately the responsibility of her parents, not a group of musicians. And until one of you is appointed her "guardian", that fact won't change.

Sorry if this makes me sound like a jerk, but ultimately it's the truth. When dealing with a minor, especially in a situation like a band, expect to deal with the parents because they are the ones who are responsible for their child's activities, not you.

doesn't make you sound like a jerk, but i wonder if we read the same op. i didn't see anything regarding the parent/child interaction, only the parent/op/band interaction. if that makes the mom take her marbles (kid) and go home so be it.

fwiw, i think it's a huge mistake to have a minor in the band. i have kids and i would never want them hanging around with musicians, or even guitar players.

 

[throughthefire]

I love music as much as anyone, I think, but for those of you who are stating that the band needs to tell the mom to "back off", you're way off base.

As a parent it would be a cold day in hell that I would let a group of people in a band tell me what I should/shouldn't do with my UNDERAGE child when it comes to how they spend their time, where they are going, what they are doing, and who they are with.

In the end, this girl is a minor, and as such is ultimately the responsibility of her parents, not a group of musicians. And until one of you is appointed her "guardian", that fact won't change.

Sorry if this makes me sound like a jerk, but ultimately it's the truth. When dealing with a minor, especially in a situation like a band, expect to deal with the parents because they are the ones who are responsible for their child's activities, not you.

On that basis, I'm completely with you - the children are OUR responsibility, not any band. However, the band is the bands responsibility - gigs, publicity, etc.; the mother in this case should only be getting involved where the wellbeing and safety of her child is involved - not where the band business is involved. If she can't understand that, then she needs to find another band for her offspring to be in.

 

[Bert Slide]

Wait! Wait! It has to be asked: Is mom hot?

HAHA! I've been wondering that since page 1! OP- how could you leave out such an important detail? Do tell!

 

[BayStateBass]

I agree with the others and and think that some clarification of just how the mom is intervening is probably important. I see lots of points on this one, and honestly there isn't enough fact or information posted to determine the proper course of action.

If promotional material includes the 17 year old being shown in a provocative manner, I can understand the mom's concern.

If promotional photos are being circulated without the parent's consent for their child's image, again, another valid issue.

If the child is appearing in YouTube or online videos without the parent's consent, or in a manner that the parent objects to, still a problem.

If the child is performing in clubs or venues that don't meet with the parent's approval, again, a valid issue (I wouldn't want my 17 year old daughter performing in some of the places I've been in.....).

If mom is angry because the kid isn't getting top billing and should sing more songs.....whole different story.


I still say that performing band of adults with a 17 year old minor = problems.