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Been Thinking About Death A lot Lately

#61
Also not suicidal per se although it has it's appeal.. but lately despite playing a few paid gigs a week (2-3), working part time as an Instruction Assistant for special ed kids at a Jr high school, and working part time at a Non Emergency Medical Trans company (medical billing/office work) I still can't ever seem to catch up. I have sold everything I can sell gear wise (now have 1 nice electric bass and 1 upright) and still work as a bassist, I have (mostly) quit smoking, I have stopped eating out ever/cut pretty much every cost I can think of, and still can't catch up. So my current state of depression seems very linked to the fact that no matter what I do or how hard I work (currently about 60hrs a week if I'm including musician work which I do since I get paid) I will never be able to actually catch up and will likely just continue to struggle and feel like it's pointless. Other than money problems my life is pretty decent, but it's like having a large monkey on my back who keeps laughing and hits me over the head with a lead pipe anytime I start to get anywhere near caught up. Sorry to be depressing, just feeling fed up today.
 
#63
I'm 41 and had defects from the day I was born. Things have been chopped and band-aided and I'm doing the best I can with that I've got. The guy who cut me open on 2 separate occassions said I'm better to just manage things my own way than keep going under. At one time I used to be afraid of dying. Now it doesn't really bother me, but I'm not about to go do myself in either. Yes I'm picky and different but I find enjoyment in lots of things. It must take a lot to do oneself in, because for example when I had to give myself big shots in the belly to break up a massive blood clot, I thought no problem, but in reality I tried for an hour and just couldn't do it, my mom had to do it.

Lots of celebrities dying lately that we really looked up to, some totally unexpected. Just lost an uncle last weekend. Lost another uncle 10 years ago. I'm very close to the age my dad's dad died of a sudden heart attack, that's one thing I think about from time to time. Though my heart is about the only thing I got that works right every time it's been checked. But not just that, it could be anything from a car accident, work accident... never know.

If I die, I figure nothing to worry about. If I die, it's truly MY time for once. Nobody can rag on me about the past, present, or future, they can kiss my ***.
 
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#64
Thinking about death from time to time is normal. It helps put everything into perspective. I used to say I'm not afraid of it but as time passes, I have realized that's not really true. My takeaway is that no matter what, our time here is short and our impact on the world is limited so try to make the most of it. Now that I have a son, my purpose and path forward is as clear as it's ever been. Life is good people! :bassist:
 
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#65
Well yeah..... At 58 I experienced a mild heart attack last week. Suddenly the thought of my mortality is square in my viewfinder. And thing is.... I am OK with it. I lived my rock star dream as a young man. I married a hot chick that is an even hotter old lady. As a high school drop out somehow I managed to put together and run a very successful business. I been a pretty darned lucky old fellow. If I take my last breath now, I would say I been a pretty danged fortunate fella. I'll go down with a smile on my face.
 
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#66
I started thinking about it couple of years ago, in my case was more on how to make things smooth for my family in case I die. I ended up increasing my 401k contribution, bought a life insurance, paid all my debt and have been making extra payments to my mortgage ever since. There is a folder with instructions to my wife on how to proceed so she can claim all the economical benefits and to ensure that in the case she marry aganin she wont share the inheritance if she divorce later. There is also a letter telling her to dispose my body in the cheapest possible way.
 
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#67
donate your body to science, become a cadaver, cheapest route (free)
and you kind of get to live on, and make a bit of a contribution after your death


Aberdumbie said:
I am OK with it. I lived my rock star dream as a young man.
Click to expand...

Ditto for me!

"If I died tomorrow, I couldn't complain. It's been good."

- Ian Fraser Kilmister
 
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#68
blackmetalmindcontrol-8260.jpg

black metal mind control
polyurethane resin and quartz crystal
 
#69
I have been having thoughts recently about my death. How, when, how will I be transported from where I die to wherever you go next, where will it happen, what will people say about me, how much support from friends/family will my wife receive, etc.
I wonder if my body is preparing me for something.

-Mike
 
#72
fingerguy said:
No I am not looking for attention nor support from anyone, just wondering if others find themselves doing this. At 43 and with the crap going in my life I guess it's no surprise. I am not thinking suicide but rather those that I am banned from recently how would they react if I did and they never had a chance to reconcile with me or even speak to me before my final moments.

I know it's kind of dark, but tired of holding it in.

Again not looking for therapy, just curious if others find themselves in this place here and there.
Click to expand...

Well, it looks like you had a big fight with someone you love. Maybe it's your parents, your wife, your kids, or your best friend. You don't want to say and it doesn't matter for the conversation, really.

The truth is, if it is someone who loves you, who really loves you, they will suffer, of-course. Doesn't really matter what you did to them (if you did something, or they to you), if there is true love involved, they will suffer. They may not realize it now, they may even say they wish you are dead, but that is not true.

Make it right, man. If it means to swallow your pride, then f**k it, do it anyway. If they did something to you, forgive them.

You will feel a huge relief and you will be happy you did that. If you don't, you will realize your mistake later in life, maybe you still have time, maybe not, but the years you two spent away from each other will not come back. Whatever it is, it most likely isn't worth the time spent apart.

We are all self absorbed in some way, it's part of being human, and it is a defense mechanism made by nature. But, as racional beings, we can overpass this, be humble, recognize our flaws and mistakes to others and be humble enough to do the same thing to the other person.

Tell them this. Is it really worth it? The grudge? Probably not.

Good luck with your decision.
 
#74
Only the "personality" dies, the "false self".
The underlying consciousness is and always has been. It is not a bunch of separate little things but one big one.

Perhaps the thinking mind has attempted to assert itself as the "true self", which in reality is actual consciousness itself. Not thinking but pure awareness beyond thought.

Don't forget that the mind is just a tool, to be used when needed and put away when not. :thumbsup:
 
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#76
Makes me think of the 5 Remembrances:
1. I am sure to become old; I cannot avoid ageing.
2. I am sure to become ill; I cannot avoid illness.
3. I am sure to die; I cannot avoid death.
4. I must be separated and parted from all that is dear and beloved to me.
5. I am the owner of my actions, heir of my actions, actions are the womb (from which I have sprung), actions are my relations, actions are my protection. Whatever actions I do, good or bad, of these I shall become the heir.

It is important to know that these things are true so you can appreciate the present.
 
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#78
fingerguy said:
No I am not looking for attention nor support from anyone, just wondering if others find themselves doing this. At 43 and with the crap going in my life I guess it's no surprise. I am not thinking suicide but rather those that I am banned from recently how would they react if I did and they never had a chance to reconcile with me or even speak to me before my final moments.

I know it's kind of dark, but tired of holding it in.

Again not looking for therapy, just curious if others find themselves in this place here and there.
Click to expand...
While it's coming a bit early, thoughts like this usually lead to shiny red sports cars, really expensive custom basses and guitars, and divorce for no good reason followed by a trophy girlfriend.
 
#80
I think that thinking about death has a lot to do with regret. 5 years ago i decided to move to another country seeing the economical crisis going deeper and deeper into my views of the future. My daughter at the time was 2, my wife and i had both good jobs but decided to look ahead. A year later my daughter lies paralaysed in a hospital bed with the possibility of death insight. Ofcourse i would blame myself and think had i not taken my family away none of this would have happened. My daughter survived, with a few internal organs damaged but nothing permanent. Eversince we have been going in and out of hospitals either for treatment or tests. I have suffered and still suffering from depression, and can't stop thinking what if i died? What will become of my wife and daughter? Why am i not allowed to live on after having a taste of life? I try not to leave unfinished business, keep in touch with those that matter to me and make everyday count. I played the drums forever and quit after moving away 5 years ago. Thinking death made me having regrets about my poor teens, and how i left so many things undone. So last year i decided to take up the bass that i always loved. It helps me with depression and brings me close to my daughter. We "jam" together, her with a mini accoustic quitar and i with the bass. But when i lay in bed at night after work i start thinking about what would it be like. Do i feel anything? What? That's it? No 2nd chance? My life has been going to poopie since day 1, having my mother in hospitals since i can remember myself, having to work before or after school and weekends. Despite all that poopie i don't want to die, or my wife or daughter. I try to make my daughter to involve with music and arts. She has been taking ballet and piano lessons and is very interested in painting. I feel like i running out of time. My life, except for playing the drums, growing up was nothing but void. No hobbies, no interests, just work and sweat. Do i get a break ever or is this the life i must live until my death? A sick kid, a sick mother and that's it? Seems a big waiste to me, unfair.

Sorry for the long post and rant.
 

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