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Best Lines you've heard onstage?

#205
Pick a person in the front row, tell him " I used to have a shirt EXACLY like that before I got a job".

After no or very weak applause say "You know, they say that applause is like food to musicians.......thanks for the peanut".

A country song is requested "You know, they say that country music is supposed to speak to a man's heart.....the only problem is that it has to go through his ears to get there".

We just found out that (someone in the band) has perfect pitch. He is able to throw a banjo into a dumpster without hitting the sides.

"We're going to take a 15 minute break, see you in a half hour".

"I just found out today that I'm half black......the bottom half".

When you receive a relatively large amount of requests by the same artist and you don't play ANYTHING by them...announce "We refuse to play any of their songs since they refuse to play any of ours".

"Can you see my dick from out there? He's behind the drums".

The old, tried and true "Please don't forget to generously tip your waitress tonight. Everyone loves a waitress with BIG TIPS".

A request is made.....the band doesn't play it....you say..."There are only 3 songs in the entire world that we don't know, and oddly enough, that is one of them". They MIGHT ask for a different one, you say "Strike two"......they are ALWAYS tired of playing the game at that point and walk away.

"Here's a sad song.....and when we play it, it's down right pitiful".

"Don't forget about tonight's drink special....kids under 12 get shots of Jack Daniels half price".

"I'd like to introduce the band.....(do that....followed by a few more)....and behind the curtain is Mark on the trumpet". Etc. Possibly use "crouched down in front of the drummer is Tina on the Flute".

It's time to take a break.....simply announce "We've been great, thank you".
 
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#207
There were a lot of funny lines when we were opening for comedian, Flip Wilson, at Studio One in LA many years ago. As we were leaving the stage after our first set he told the rhythm section to stay as his "backup band". We didn't play a single song, just sat there as straight men for his jokes, virtually all of which were too blue to repeat here except "Hey, bass man. You've got a girlfriend back home?" I nodded no. "I bet you're kicking yourself about not taking up guitar instead." I don't know what he would have said if I'd nodded yes.

Flip was insanely funny with improv. We were good sports about it so it earned us an extra $500 for the week.
 
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#212
bigjohnyeti said:
"If you have any requests, please write them down and place them on a tray under 3 shots of Jacks" (we`re a trio)
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I do our announcements. At least once a night I'll say "We have a sign out front that says we accept requests. Some bands don't but we do. We won't necessarily play them but we will accept them" Edit: Also if someone breaks a glass, I say"We must be in Scotland. I just heard a Glasgow"
 
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#214
wesonbass said:
Saw a gospel quartet, and the leader was introducing the others. One guy an American Indian who the leader was explaining how he would run laps around the tour bus to stay in shape while on the road. Says the rest of the group were eating in a diner when a guy walks in and says 'is that yall's big red bus out front ' he replied 'yes ' the guy says 'well, you left your injun running '
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The Kingsmen Quartet
 
#217
We've got a record but as long as we don't go back to Georgia they don't bother us about it.

Is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?

Don't forget to give your waitress a tip and if you're feeling generous, give her the whole thing.

Remember, the more you drink, the better we sound and we don't sound very good so you're obviously not holding up your end of the bargain.

Liquor? I hardly know her.

If you've got a request, write it down on a little piece of paper and shove it up your @$$ 'cause we don't do requests.

Not really a line but funny. A guitar/singer I worked with would play Hokey Pokey and get people to participate (especially weddings and the like). At some point he would call "You put your breasts in, you put your breasts out...", to which everyone would dutifully comply. The next verse he'd call the same thing, "You put your breasts in, you put your breasts out...", which would get a bit of a chuckle and a few dirty looks from the ladies. But the third time in a row he called it would never fail to get a laugh.
 

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