Best Lines you've heard onstage?

[equill]

A few years ago as my covers band were setting up in a country type pub a man comes up and asks what type of music do we play and I replied "well we play 2 types of music....... country AND western".... the man goes back to his wife and says "Hey - they play country AND western"!
We were actually a rock / pop covers band and the only thing country-ish we had in our set list was 'Take it Easy' (Eagles)

I recently learned that they actually are two different styles, that got closely associated over time - it seems that line isn't actually as silly as it sounds.
Of the two, I quite like Western, especially Dark Western. Was overexposed to Country as a child, so burnt out early on most of that.

 

[bassdiggle]

..early eighties i guess....in a country town club which attracted some of the bigger acts in the country...fabulous Kiwi band called Dragon was tearing it up...the crowd were loving it...but dinner was being served...so all sitting....when the lead singer said..."Hey for this next song we'd love to see ya up and rocking"....immediately the bass player went to the mike and said...."What he means is GET OFF YA BUMS YA MAGGOTS !"

 

[Richland123]

Our drummer also plays keyboards and sings (and runs lights) all at the same time in many songs. A sound man we work with occasionally dubbed him the musical octopus because of his multi-tasking. A few weeks ago when I was introducing the band members to the audience, I said, "Back here on the drums, keyboards, vocals, didgeridoo, flugelhorn, zither, and whatever else he is playing back there ...... John." I heard some chuckles and somebody said "Zipper". I replied, "I said zither, not zipper. He doesn't play a zipper. A zither is a musical instrument."

 

[Bob Rhett]

We would introduce ourselves as The Three Skins. "There used to be four of us but the name just didn't work out."

 

[dereksmalls11]

"This next song is a special request from our horn section".

There is no horn section...

 

[1bassleft]

We would introduce ourselves as The Three Skins. "There used to be four of us but the name just didn't work out."

and the fourth member had to quit; problem with his glands.

I'm old enough, or maybe it's just being English, to think "member" makes it a double chuckle.

 

[dereksmalls11]

Audience - "Play Free Bird!!!"

Me - "Is that a Band?"

 

[denthemen]

Bloody brilliant thread this!

And my helpful little one liner is......:

"Good evening everybody, We're The Symbolics…my names Sim, meet the rest of the band!"

 

[Eric Swaim]

A band I was in 35 years ago always announced " We are going to have a pig in the blanket contest coming up soon. If you win you get the pig in the blanket, our drummer had her last night. Drunk people will laugh at anything.

 

[redwingxix]

Bloody brilliant thread this!

And my helpful little one liner is......:

"Good evening everybody, We're The Symbolics…my names Sim, meet the rest of the band!"

I don't know how well that one would go over here, but I love it!

 

[Old P Bass Guy]

That is brilliant!

That's brutal!

 

[whero]

..early eighties i guess....in a country town club which attracted some of the bigger acts in the country...fabulous Kiwi band called Dragon was tearing it up...the crowd were loving it...but dinner was being served...so all sitting....when the lead singer said..."Hey for this next song we'd love to see ya up and rocking"....immediately the bass player went to the mike and said...."What he means is GET OFF YA BUMS YA MAGGOTS !"

I'm trying to figure out which iteration of Dragon you would have seen - there were a lot of lineup changes between 1980 and '85. Brothers Marc and Todd Hunter (vocals and bass). Robert Taylor on guitar. Maybe Richard Lee if there was a second guitar. Paul Hewson (not the one a.k.a. Bono) on keys - he died in '85. The drummer might have been Kerry Jacobson, in which case that would have been the "classic Dragon" lineup. If it was late '83 or 84 it might have been ex-XTC drummer Terry Chambers, which was my favourite live iteration of the band.

 

[TolerancEJ]

This is from Blazing Saddles, but I still laugh at the scene where Lili Von Shtupp is singing onstage and one of the locals has his feet on the edge of the stage.

Lili: "Tell me, are you in show business?"
Tex: "Well, no..."
Lili: "Then why don't you get your friggin' feet off the stage!"

 

[NZBassman]

I'm trying to figure out which iteration of Dragon you would have seen - there were a lot of lineup changes between 1980 and '85. Brothers Marc and Todd Hunter (vocals and bass). Robert Taylor on guitar. Maybe Richard Lee if there was a second guitar. Paul Hewson (not the one a.k.a. Bono) on keys - he died in '85. The drummer might have been Kerry Jacobson, in which case that would have been the "classic Dragon" lineup. If it was late '83 or 84 it might have been ex-XTC drummer Terry Chambers, which was my favourite live iteration of the band.

Wasn't that in the late 70's when Dragon were in the US? I remember reading about the incident and I'm sure it was the late 70's and they got booed off stage... I could be wrong though

 

[Bass Man Dan]

Adapted from Mitch Hedberg:

They say you can't please all the people...and tonight, all of those people are here at our show!

 

[fhm555]

"We've got a limited supply of our new album and we'd love for everyone to come up and get one. If we run out i'll run out to the car and get another limited supply."

 

[levonrocks]

We were about to do Take it Easy...

I get on the mic and tell the crowd

"we're about to do a song we've been working on for a long time, and I was just notified that someone named The Eagles apparently had already written it years ago"

Jackson Browne wrote Take it Easy.

 

[Stix2Strings]

In the summer of 1970, I saw The Stooges at the Eastowne Theater in Detroit. They were doing the Funhouse set. Iggy had on the dog collar, silver opera gloves and this pair of jeans that were split open, up both inseams from knee to knee with red underwear that highlighted his junk. Somewhere in the middle of the set, off Iggy goes into the crowd. There were no seats on the main floor of the Eastowne, so everyone is sitting cross legged on the floor. Iggy disappears into the first 10 or so rows. Band finishes the number and Iggy finally stands up and the jeans are ripped even more, junk outlined in red drawers, spotlight squarely on him. Suddenly a female hand reaches up and caresses the junk. Iggy looks down, then scans the crowd and slowly says "Well, what do you think about that?"

 

[pglaser01]

Jackson Browne wrote Take it Easy.

Great

 

[Richland123]

I like to do music trivia questions with the audience related to songs we play. I will ask a question and whether somebody gets the answer or not, I will say there was a prize for the winner; an all expense paid trip for two to (insert the name of one of the smallest towns nearby) one way. I will drop you off on my way home. It always gets a laugh.