I met Jane (Fake Name) at my local bar. Mondays were two-for-one so I would spend them drinking beer for dinner. Jane served me maybe three Mondays before I asked her out after lots of flirting.
On our first date she A:Cut things short to visit a male friend who was leaving town in the morning & B:Scolded me for mentioning the film "The Da Vinci Code". Yes, we had a second date.
I had a friend who worked at a local "hippie" store. I went in to purchase some "glassware" as a very late christmas gift to Jane, who told me about a Manatee sighting over her New Years which she spent with friends in The Keys. My hippie friend told me the same story. To which I replied "
Oh my friend Jane saw a Manatee in the keys too!". "
Jane?" said Hippie, "
She was with us! She came with my friend, I think they're dating. She kept calling him baby."
Jane was still seeing Baby over New Years, we met and dated casually in November, and she told me about the trip but didn't mention Baby. I never would've known had it not been for the coincidental mutual friend. Yes we still dated. When I brought it up she said "
I'm such a female dog. I should've told you." I didn't call her back, but for some reason obsessed over her until I got a call a week later while snowboarding in Colorado.
We started exclusively dating and had a great month, maybe two until a Saturday night, when she had worked so late on Friday night she was too tired to hang out the next day. I got a call that saturday night from a dude. "
Uh, yeah, I'm calling for Jane. Is this her brother?" the Dude said. "
No, it's her boyfriend, and this is my number. You can call her at hers, or I can give her a message, who's this?" The Dude was flustered but replied with "
We met at Purdy Lounge last night and she gave me this number."
She gave a guy she met at a bar MY number. He called me. When I calmly asked about it she got ferociously mad at me for being jealous. She suggested my friends might be behind a prank. I checked, no one laughed. I don't have friends like that.
That incident broke the seal. She would get very upset very quickly over the smallest things. She would criticize my every move and stand me up on dates by sleeping through them.
"A real man wouldn't get mad if I'm sleeping." She would say.
My close friend who was growing distant because of the new girlfriend offered one free ticket to see Blues Traveler with him and his wife on a Saturday afternoon. Me and Jane were doing really well this week, so I offered to sway Jane's disappointment that we wouldn't spend saturday together with an early lunch. She slept until 3 and I was to meet my very punctual friend at 5 to start the long drive to the show. We drove to and from the sushi restaurant about three times because I said we didn't have that long and I had to be done by 5, se both times we went to park she said "
Just take me home, i'm not in the mood to rush through lunch. I finally dropped her off at home, already late. She called me crying and said she' been in a car accident. "
A car accident? I just dropped you off, where are you going?" She explained that she was following me and told me to turn around because she'd hit a tree. When I confirmed that it was just a scratch I told her I was almost at my friend's house and that we could take care of it later. "
No you're not almost there, I'm still following you." She said. When I pointed out that she didn't even know where my friend lived, and that there wasn't any accident she apologized, sobbing, and hung up. After an hour I was in the friend's car when
she texted that she was going to kill herself. I immediately called her best friend, who visited her and told me there was nothing going on. Jane scolded me. "Don't ever call my friends without my permission." I explained that she didn't give me a choice. I was too far away, and she'd threatened suicide, so it was my responsibility to do something about it. Yes we stayed together, but I should've called the suicide hotline and let her take them away.
After the suicide threat she explained that she had been diagnosed with B.P.D. and that I should do my research if I wanted to be with her. She started pulling at her hair and punching the steering wheel and having other outbursts of demonic hateful tongue lashings when I would make a misstep, like turning on my bedroom light when getting ready for work in the morning.
I did my research. I talked to, and proceeded to ignore my father, who's advice was great. "
Yes son, everyone deserves a chance. You're not the one who should be giving her that chance. You're too good. You have a career, a house, a good heart and you're good looking. Save that for someone who deserves the things you have to offer. Let her be with someone else who might need a chance themselves."
I reasoned that she deserved a chance from me just as much as anyone. It wasn't her fault she had BPD, as the articles explained it was likely caused by childhood trauma and/or a chemical imbalance. I wrote to a few signifiant others on a forum for people who had dated others who suffered from BPD. No one replied. Maybe they were all axe murdered.
I asked her how she was treating it. "Pot helps," she said, "But I can't afford therapy and the pills make me drowsy and different." Pot didn't always help. It sometimes made her paranoid and uncomfortable. She also drank every shift, which is a depressant. Yes, we still dated. I reasoned that I didn't want her to change from pills, and that we could work it out without therapy. She might've promised to start, but I can't remember, and she certainly never did. The fits and episodes never stopped. I was anxious and second guessing myself all the time. We would argue over anything.
There were so many incidents I forget pretty awful ones.
She left my house after a small fight. She called minutes later, crying about having been in a car accident. Without mentioning the street name she told me to come right over and hung up.
I drove around worried and frantically calling for two hours. She finally picked up. Her friend had seen her on the side of the road and they were drinking together at a bar. It was a fender bender that was resolved with $50. I was scolded for being angry.
On a minor occasion I stayed up all night helping her friend with his thesis. In the morning I had to call in sick from work. She came by after her shift with some breakfast and left to sleep at her house, even though we had about half an hour left before wrapping things up. She told me to come over when we were done, but the doors were locked and she didn't pick up the phone.
One saturday I had two $60 tickets to a local event. It was an afternoon beer festival that ended around 6.
She slept through it in my room. She blamed me for missing it via Facebook on Monday morning. "Missed Beerfest because SOMEBODY didn't wake me up" read the post. I'd tried to wake her as kindly as possible all afternoon. This is someone who would screech like a banshee if I turned on my light to get ready for work in the morning while she slept.
Ever heard of the straw that broke the camel's back? That Monday I called with, "We need to talk". She said she her mother and rang back hours later. "Are you sitting down?" she said. She'd been with her friend, not her mother, and was visiting planned parenthood because she was, you guessed it,
pregnant and planning to keep it. I offered my full support in keeping it but told her it was her body and her decision. I told her I would be there for the child no matter what happened between us, but since we were going to work out we should plan to move in together.
I lived in my house with two roomates. They didn't like the girlfriend and the drama, so they were happy to leave when I explained that Jane was pregnant and that they had the full nine months to find a place. They took about a week, maybe two.
Jane wasn't going to tell her parents until it was more certain, but I had to tell mine as soon as possible because they owned the house and we paid rent to them. This time I listened to my father's advice.
"This is your house. You can't kick a pregnant woman out of your house. It's much easier to rent with her and leave to that come back here."
When I told Jane that we should rent an apartment together because it would be easier than maintaining the house and cheaper than the rent (which covered insurance, taxes and a small mortgage) she immediately said she wanted an abortion. I was thunderstruck.
She backed out of the abortion. She wanted to have the baby, wanted to stay with me, but couldn't live with me. When I asked why the house situation changed her mind she said that wasn't it. I was at fault somehow, but my house, and the fact that her lease was up had nothing to do with it. Yes, we stayed together. I helped her move in to her new place, down the street from my home.
When I popped in on her once she seemed mad that I'd come over unannounced. I found two wine glassed on her coffee table and a large "toy" on her bed. Embarrassed she hid the giant thing, and I said nothing, but reserved some suspicion. We hadn't slept together in a few weeks, but she maintained that we were still an item.
Soon I got a phone call while at work.
I now call this the best day of my life. She was having a miscarriage. I wasn't to come over, she wasn't going to the hostpital, and her roomate was there to help. I'll spare the grotesque details, but she didn't at all. When I finally conceded to not come over and went to hang up the phone I heard over the handheld "
You did this you effing monster". I was pale, absolutely spent, and full both depression and relief.
Days later she was the most peaceful, calm, kind and humble person you'd ever met.
She was begging for me to stay with her, and I tearfully reminded her that she'd blamed me for her miscarriage while calling me a monster. We had two weeks of calm before another fight. This was on a Sunday. By Monday I was regretting having broken up with her, called and begged for forgiveness, and got said forgiveness. She agreed to come over after her shift that night. I never got a call, and she never came, so I was worried she'd drank too much and possibly had a car accident. I drove to her place in the morning and her car wasn't in the driveway. I'd been calling all night and her phone went straight to voicemail. I tried friends and only got one. Let's call him Bert. He'll come up again later. Bert seemed flustered but calm, and said he'd been to the bar the night before but hadn't seen Jane after her shift. Minutes after hanging up with Bert, Jane finally called. "
What's wrong with you? Don't call my friends looking for me. She was home now. I'd just missed her, so I went to her place. She wouldn't let me in until she'd had a shower. She explained she stayed at Bert's house the night before. I couldn't understand what was right in front of me. We fought, cried, and yes, stayed together.
We spent another month or two in limbo. I had tickets to see the Pixies on an over 16 hour drive away. A week before the show she begged me to keep her ticket even though she wasn't sure she could make it because she had a shift she still hadn't gotten covered. I sold the ticket to an old man for about $30 less than I'd paid, he had to sit right next to me because this theater had ushers who would guide you right to your seat and it was a sold out show. Miserable. I would later find out
she had planned to go with someone else who had arranged a date for her, which she was exited about. I dated that someone else, who ended up being a crazy ex as well, but that was a much shorter story and by then I was better prepared but still handled it terribly.
Finally, still in limbo, on a Tuesday I invited her to a dog park and was rejected because she had some studying to do. We rescheduled for lunch that Thursday. She was two hours late for that lunch. She was miserable and hated the restaurant. She did mention that she'd played basketball with Bert on tuesday and that he supported her, unlike me, who didn't complement her baseball skills last time we'd played catch. I pointed out that she'd blown me off to study the same afternoon, and she told me I had real jealousy issues to get over. When we parked at my job I tried for the most drama free break up in history. "
Listen, I was cool and collected, "
we just had a miserable lunch. We don't work that well as a couple. We should really be good friends. We've been through so much together. Why don't we call it what it is and salvage what we can from this relationship by being friendly but not together." I remember she cried immediately. She said she'd wasted her afternoon, and that she was so happy because it seemed like I'd finally worked out my jealousy issues and that things were looking like they were getting better between us. :scowl: YES. We stayed together. I even called her back hours later to apologize for being jealous of Bert that Tuesday.
It took three days for my brain to start working again. That Sunday I made another invite for a casual date. She couldn't because her friend and old roomate was having a birthday party. I knew her, and her boyfriend well. They were incredibly close, and the girls had gone out together the night before, so when Jane said I couldn't come to the party because it was only girls I was very suspicious. I said I'd drop in quickly to give her friend a gift and say hello and wouldn't stay for more than a minute. "
Don't you dare." was the answer I got. I was so suspicious that after a long nap I drove to her place. It was about 3 a.m.
A car I didn't recognize was in the driveway along with hers. I knocked on the door to her small efficiency, heard her dogs bark and get quickly shushed. I waited a few minutes before peaking into a window in the door. I'm tall, and I had to stand on my toes to see, but sitting on her couch was Bert. He saw me, and said "
Sup." She finally came out in pajamas. She asked what I was doing there and admitted that it was what it looked like. I was still calm. "
Why didn't you just let this go on Thursday? It would've been so easy." "
Because I thought there was something to save." I exploded with expletives and left, sent some pretty hateful texts, received some insults about my man boobies and various other low blows, and never spoke to her again.
A therapist explained that I never took control of the situation. This was around Halloween, and she was still texting me. She was going to pull her Leeloo costume out of the closet this year, one I'd told her was a fantasy of mine, but she never wore. The I spent one more therapy session talking about her, and by the next week I was working with her on other more minor aspects of my personality and daily challenges. I think it took me about a month to feel normal again, but I wasn't completely over her until a year later, when I'd lost the weight and spent time with much better women, who deserved much better than I'd given her.
Almost a year later to the date I saw her again at that bar. She was still with Bert. He was upset that I was back in the scene. She tearfully said she still loved me, she was sorry, and that she still talked to her therapist about me. I told her that I'd lost faith in people thanks to her. That now I saw a clear difference between people who were really just animals and people who were actually humans. I would never see her as anything but an animal, and there was no love left in me for her.
I know it's a long story, but the details are important. I know guys call all their exes crazy. I've had others that I call crazy, but none like this girl. I know now that it was my fault, I know I asked for it and that I'm no victim. I didn't even learn. I dated another girl from the same bar that November. She burned me too. But if there is a lesson here it's that some people don't deserve your love, and that I was crazy too.
The second crazy ex bartender girl actually called me crazy snake guy because I'd dropped off Jane's snake at the bar the day I caught her with Bert. #2 worked that shift and found it. Of course Jane explained that I was the crazy one. ALSO I found out Jane was sleeping with a coworker of a friend of mine. They both worked at the Apple store and I'd introduced Jane to my friend. When she found out she was cheating on me with a guy that worked with my friend she told the guy not to say anything. He did of course, earned himself some bro points, but my friend never mentioned it because we were in limbo and he thought we'd broken up. I found out later. Jane denied it. BANANAS RIGHT?!
