Dating a girl with baggage

[Robroy]

She's my coworker's sister. She's pretty, smart, funny, has a job, a good sense of humor, stuff in common with me, and we get along. All good things.

The problem is her family. She's 32 and basically the breadwinner of a house with her parents and two younger sisters. The dad is in and out of the hospital with cancer. The mom is bipolar. One sister is my co worker, the other is a soon to be high school drop out and general disaster of a teenage human.

So, I don't see how I can make this happen without making her problems my problems. I'm 34 and she's 32. 32 year old girls aren't looking for something fun and casual. The biological clock is ticking. And I know from her sister that she's looking for something serious.

She's cool. We've hung out. It would be nice to be in a relationship with her...but all that baggage. It's not going away any time soon. If we become anything it's not like I can't be involved. Not if it's an all-in relationshippy relationship. I don't know. Thoughts?

When you marry someone with a local family, you really are marrying the family. It destroys marriages sometimes.

The only way I see it working is if you guys move far enough away that airline tickets are at least $500 per person to make the trek. Seriously.

 

[Eilif]

I'll lead with this. Marrying a stable, independent woman with minimal baggage was one of the best decisions I ever made. We have had 13 years of a great marraige but every relationship will have challenges of it's own and it's a fools errand to take on challenges you aren't equipped for or wanting.

She's my coworker's sister. She's pretty, smart, funny, has a job, a good sense of humor, stuff in common with me, and we get along. All good things.

The problem is her family. She's 32 and basically the breadwinner of a house with her parents and two younger sisters. The dad is in and out of the hospital with cancer. The mom is bipolar. One sister is my co worker, the other is a soon to be high school drop out and general disaster of a teenage human.

So, I don't see how I can make this happen without making her problems my problems. I'm 34 and she's 32. 32 year old girls aren't looking for something fun and casual. The biological clock is ticking. And I know from her sister that she's looking for something serious.

She's cool. We've hung out. It would be nice to be in a relationship with her...but all that baggage. It's not going away any time soon. If we become anything it's not like I can't be involved. Not if it's an all-in relationshippy relationship. I don't know. Thoughts?

If she is committed to staying in that house I wouldn't get anywhere near that. If she wants out and you both want to move away, then maybe, but that's moving pretty fast and you don't want to be an exit-of-desperation either.

Families are crazy, but if they have their own place of residence and financial foundation you can deal with that. With a situation like the one you're describing, you'd not just be getting in a relationship with her, you'd be in a house with a whole familiy. Even if she got out of the house the family and all it's needs would still be nearby.

Kudos to you though for considering the long game, her wants and the whole situation before just jumping in. That's wise of you and considerate to her.

 

[Gaolee]

The girl doesn't want to go to school so she doesn't. The parents are on a first name basis with several people from child protective services. I've never met the girl and have only heard what my co worker has told me but the situation doesn't make sense. The kid doesn't want to go to school. She doesn't think she should get a job. She thinks somehow things will work out. And now she wants to have a child. It's insane.

That is crazy. It's a shame her oldest sister is saddled with her. Assuming that's what's happening. It's probably temporary for her, though. In two years, the 16 year old will officially be an adult. She will still be a dumpster fire, perhaps, but an adult dumpster fire and not necessarily a dependent. And, to be really cold and heartless about it, the father will likely succumb to his illnesses sooner rather than later. The mother's mental illness can be controlled if she wants to control it. That's the one part of this whole mess that could be relatively long-term.

I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to be tangled up in it, and I also sympathize with the oldest sister who sounds like she's handling far more than she should be expected to deal with. She's got a bad hand to play, and if she's still energetic, funny, reasonably outgoing, and attractive at all, she's doing a whole lot better than most of us could. It's easy for me to analyze as an outhouse psychologist on a different coast who can turn off the computer and forget about it. It's a whole lot harder to live it.

 

[Gmountain]

The girl doesn't want to go to school so she doesn't. The parents are on a first name basis with several people from child protective services. I've never met the girl and have only heard what my co worker has told me but the situation doesn't make sense. The kid doesn't want to go to school. She doesn't think she should get a job. She thinks somehow things will work out. And now she wants to have a child. It's insane.

The fact that she even thinks she has a choice in going to school, or having a kid out of wedlock, shows some serious family issues in her upbringing. Those problems started from early childhood.

 

[Gorn]

The fact that she even thinks she has a choice in going to school, or having a kid out of wedlock, shows some serious family issues in her upbringing. Those problems started from early childhood.

I'm fine with out of wedlock but 16 with no prospects and dumber than a bag of rocks is a problem.

 

[slobake]

I'm fine with out of wedlock but 16 with no prospects and dumber than a bag of rocks is a problem.

Sadly, sometimes when people think things will somehow just come to them they end up homeless without anything.

 

[Gorn]

Sadly, sometimes when people think things will somehow just come to them they end up homeless without anything.

She'll never be homeless. There's plenty of extended family to mooch off of....from whom to mooch? Yah. She'll be fine.

 

[Bassbeater]

The reason we all like exceptional stories of people overcoming abusive family situations to become raging successes is because they rare exceptions to the rule. Family culture is something you learn from your family and pass on to your offspring. A broken family culture can be a perpetual downward spiral that is generational. Getting out of that loop and rising up is truly exceptional behavior that deserves praise. Sounds to me like the exceptional ones in this story are you and your coworker for recognizing and not getting stuck in it.

 

[charlie monroe]

Sounds to me like the exceptional ones in this story are you and your coworker for recognizing and not getting stuck in it.

Prudent, yes, but I think exceptional is a stretch.

 

[Fishheadjoe]

Gorn, you have come across to me as a person who lives in a fairly black and white world. Should you enter into a relationship with this person, I would think that you would be stepping into a world of grey. I would ask myself if I could thrive under such circumstances.
I think you know the answer...
Fishheadjoe

 

[fingerguy]

I would strongly argue that you may not date the family, but you definitely Marry a family.

Yes and no. It's how much of the family you let in with the family you created through the marriage. Mine in many ways was separate and together in other ways.

 

[Gaolee]

Gorn, you have come across to me as a person who lives in a fairly black and white world. Should you enter into a relationship with this person, I would think that you would be stepping into a world of grey. I would ask myself if I could thrive under such circumstances.
I think you know the answer...
Fishheadjoe

I think he already made that decision. We are just doing the TBOT thing and flogging the subject for another 30 pages.

 

[Captain Chaos]

Hit it and quit it.

 

[blue4]

I would not go there.

 

[Munjibunga]

I wonder what my baggage is.

-Mike

My baggage is a low tolerance for BS.

 

[MJ5150]

My baggage is a low tolerance for BS.

There is a 41 second clip of George Carlin on YouTube making this same comment about a low tolerance for BS.
As I watched it, I thought of you buddy.
I'd link to it, but it's NSFW. Even the title of the clip is NSFW. You can look it up, if you're not lazy.

-Mike

 

[LordDog]

I think it will always depend on what you mean by baggage, but most people have baggage of some sort. Give it a go; you can always back out again later if it turns into a nightmare

 

[btmpancake]

I think it will always depend on what you mean by baggage, but most people have baggage of some sort. Give it a go; you can always back out again later if it turns into a nightmare

Oh-you can back out of anything BUT at what cost. Emotions, finances... it's always harder to get out of than going in.

 

[Bassbeater]

-You're never more than one text message away from being single.

 

[Munjibunga]

There is a 41 second clip of George Carlin on YouTube making this same comment about a low tolerance for BS.
As I watched it, I thought of you buddy.
I'd link to it, but it's NSFW. Even the title of the clip is NSFW. You can look it up, if you're not lazy.

-Mike

LOL. My wife thinks it's because I was in the Marines. In actuality it just come naturally.