Dating a girl with baggage

[klejst]

It seems there is not a one person who does not have at least a few issues or baggage these days but it's all in how you handle it. In your case, It's a give and take point of view. You have to ask yourself despite everything you give...how much are you willing to take? Keep in mind you and her is you and her...however her family situations could very much influence her and thus you and her and you. We all have bad days however if you could see this becoming an ongoing influence and issues for her...chances are it will be for you too. However your call, and best of luck. If you looking to keep it "casual" then don't think about anything or make it anything other than that.

 

[deeptubes]

If it feels good, go with it. Seems that the family is the issue, not her.

 

[mohrds]

Looking at this from another angle: with all the problems this poor woman has, does she really need to be getting involved with a bass player?

Best response so far!

 

[Gorn]

Lots of advice still coming in. I appreciate it. Some may have missed it but the meh's have it.

 

[Toptube]

She's my coworker's sister. She's pretty, smart, funny, has a job, a good sense of humor, stuff in common with me, and we get along. All good things.

The problem is her family. She's 32 and basically the breadwinner of a house with her parents and two younger sisters. The dad is in and out of the hospital with cancer. The mom is bipolar. One sister is my co worker, the other is a soon to be high school drop out and general disaster of a teenage human.

So, I don't see how I can make this happen without making her problems my problems. I'm 34 and she's 32. 32 year old girls aren't looking for something fun and casual. The biological clock is ticking. And I know from her sister that she's looking for something serious.

She's cool. We've hung out. It would be nice to be in a relationship with her...but all that baggage. It's not going away any time soon. If we become anything it's not like I can't be involved. Not if it's an all-in relationshippy relationship. I don't know. Thoughts?

There's no harm in trying to play a bit. Be honest with yourself and with her. I mean, really, if you wanna just cut through a bunch of stuff: ask her what she's looking for. You know, while on a walk or something. But be honest with yourself. Read your post a couple of times.

I had to figure out that the type of girl I like the most, is actually pretty bad for me. Even though I have loved two of them dearly. So I find myself more than ever, being casual.

BTW, plenty of 32 year old women wanna play. Good luck! Don't say yes, when you wanna say no!

 

[hrodbert696]

Haven't read all 7 pages of advice, just responding to the initial post:

When I hear "baggage," I think of the person's OWN personal/psychological issues; are THEY dealing with depression, low self-esteem, lack of trust due to bad past relationships, etc. It's not clear from the OP what baggage, if any, this woman has in that sense.

One question you should be asking is what kind of relationship YOU are looking for. It doesn't sound like she's looking for a casual bump and grind and then disappear. Are you? The thing about "committed relationship," of course, is that you can't have a committed relationship in the abstract, you have it WITH someone. So you can't go into a relationship with commitment right from the get-go. You have to date more casually until you get to know each other better, and see if the sense of commitment grows as you go along.

The negatives described in the OP are not her negatives but her family's. So the other question is, how do her family's issues affect her? What is her relationship like with her parents? Is her cancer-suffering father a tower of wisdom and strength to her, or was he a neglectful bastard that she has mixed feelings about, at best? Has her bipolar mother riddled her with issues of low self-esteem or whatever, or is she a loving mom who just has her episodes?

Adversity reveals character. It could well be that she is a model of grace and dignity, dealing with her family's problems with resourcefulness and love. It could be that under the pretty face and the sense of humor is a snake pit of dysfunctionality. If she's the first, she would be an amazing life companion that you would be blessed to have in your life. If the second... not. You won't know until you really get to know her better.

My advice then... you think she's pretty and fun. Go on a date. JUST a date. NOT "start a committed relationship." Just go hang out and have fun and see what happens. Maybe a second date after that. If you still like her and want to spend more time with her, go on a third and keep going. Don't talk about commitment right from the starting line, but don't rule out that it could grow eventually. Don't do anything that gets really emotionally entangled early on, like sleeping with her or going to her father's hospital bed with her. You're not part of the family yet. If red flags pop up and keep popping, step away; if not, you may find that seeing her was the best decision you ever made in your life.

 

[Eilif]

Haven't read all 7 pages of advice, just responding to the initial post:

When I hear "baggage," I think of the person's OWN personal/psychological issues; are THEY dealing with depression, low self-esteem, lack of trust due to bad past relationships, etc. It's not clear from the OP what baggage, if any, this woman has in that sense.

One question you should be asking is what kind of relationship YOU are looking for. It doesn't sound like she's looking for a casual bump and grind and then disappear. Are you? The thing about "committed relationship," of course, is that you can't have a committed relationship in the abstract, you have it WITH someone. So you can't go into a relationship with commitment right from the get-go. You have to date more casually until you get to know each other better, and see if the sense of commitment grows as you go along.

The negatives described in the OP are not her negatives but her family's. So the other question is, how do her family's issues affect her? What is her relationship like with her parents? Is her cancer-suffering father a tower of wisdom and strength to her, or was he a neglectful bastard that she has mixed feelings about, at best? Has her bipolar mother riddled her with issues of low self-esteem or whatever, or is she a loving mom who just has her episodes?

Adversity reveals character. It could well be that she is a model of grace and dignity, dealing with her family's problems with resourcefulness and love. It could be that under the pretty face and the sense of humor is a snake pit of dysfunctionality. If she's the first, she would be an amazing life companion that you would be blessed to have in your life. If the second... not. You won't know until you really get to know her better.

My advice then... you think she's pretty and fun. Go on a date. JUST a date. NOT "start a committed relationship." Just go hang out and have fun and see what happens. Maybe a second date after that. If you still like her and want to spend more time with her, go on a third and keep going. Don't talk about commitment right from the starting line, but don't rule out that it could grow eventually. Don't do anything that gets really emotionally entangled early on, like sleeping with her or going to her father's hospital bed with her. You're not part of the family yet. If red flags pop up and keep popping, step away; if not, you may find that seeing her was the best decision you ever made in your life.

There's some good advice in here. A casual date is just a date right?

A question for Gorn. As best you can tell, what would the fallout at work be from a date or two and breaking it off if it doesn't work out? Is it going to create lasting drama at work or will her sister be cool about it.

 

[GrooverMcTube]

My advice would be to the woman in the OP.

You know that guy who works with your sister who is a "musician"?

Under absolutely no circumstance should you go out with this clown. He's not only made the assumption that he's the one for you and that you would be all over him like a shirt, but he's taken your dirty laundry and aired it on an internet forum where he's telling his internet buddies about all of your personal 'issues'. Before even asking you out!

It sounds like you have enough challenges in your life. You really don't want to add this guy to the list. Run for your life if you can, little girl, this guy is bad news.

 

[catcauphonic]

My advice would be to the woman in the OP.

You know that guy who works with your sister who is a "musician"?

Under absolutely no circumstance should you go out with this clown. He's not only made the assumption that he's the one for you and that you would be all over him like a shirt, but he's taken your dirty laundry and aired it on an internet forum where he's telling his internet buddies about all of your personal 'issues'. Before even asking you out!

It sounds like you have enough challenges in your life. You really don't want to add this guy to the list. Run for your life if you can, little girl, this guy is bad news.

TB to the rescue of a damsel in distress You're welcome

 

[Son of Wobble]

The thing about "committed relationship," of course, is that you can't have a committed relationship in the abstract, you have it WITH someone.

Pesky, prone-to-surprise human beings can throw such a spanner into relationship theory.
Similarly, flesh-and-blood children tend to really play havoc with child-rearing theory.

People are downright problematic. Even all this advice-giving is a waste of time. Warhol observed wanly that virtually none
of the artists or musicians he advised ever took his advice to heart.

 

[Bubble]

I met a woman like the ones on Jerry Springer.
My hopes were high but what a humdinger.
She rattled my ears with complaints and fears.
I hope it doesn't ruin me as a singer.

OOOOooooOOOo My Jerry Springer girl, my Jerry Springer girl.
I'd rather spend my time with a rabbit or a squirrel.
She squeals like a falcon and claws like a cat.
She makes me belch she makes fart no matter where we're at.

 

[hrodbert696]

My advice would be to the woman in the OP.

You know that guy who works with your sister who is a "musician"?

Under absolutely no circumstance should you go out with this clown. He's not only made the assumption that he's the one for you and that you would be all over him like a shirt, but he's taken your dirty laundry and aired it on an internet forum where he's telling his internet buddies about all of your personal 'issues'. Before even asking you out!

It sounds like you have enough challenges in your life. You really don't want to add this guy to the list. Run for your life if you can, little girl, this guy is bad news.

From the OP I got the impression that the younger sister/co-worker is trying to set them up. And one thing about the internet, it's anonymous, so I don't see any violation in his asking advice here. It's not like any of us are going to run into her and say, "[gasp!] So YOU'RE the one!"

 

[Robroy]

I'm just going to share a thing that kinda frustrates me in discussions such as this: There seems to be a lot of willingness to bring up "false equivalence". You see it in comments like "everybody has some baggage". I also see it in a lot of political and other discussions as well.

But lets be clear, here. There is a difference between a girl who wants to party rather than get straight A's at Yale, so she only gets a B+ - And a girl who hits the local bar every Saturday to pick up a different guy and do coke or Crack.

Nobody's perfect and we all have baggage, but if I was single I'd be going for the first one. Just sayin'.

And the chick in the OP actually does have a LOT of baggage. It may not all be her fault, but it's still there.

False equivalence - Wikipedia

 

[Gorn]

From the OP I got the impression that the younger sister/co-worker is trying to set them up. And one thing about the internet, it's anonymous, so I don't see any violation in his asking advice here. It's not like any of us are going to run into her and say, "[gasp!] So YOU'RE the one!"

Yah I'm fairly sure her baggage is secure. If you don't mind, could you close the thread? If someone else wants to start a general dating with baggage discussion they can feel free.

 

[JMacBass65]

How's the sex?

 

[Gaolee]

Lots of advice still coming in. I appreciate it. Some may have missed it but the meh's have it.

Of course we missed it. There's still gold to be dug from this thread. 28 pages to go until it burns itself out. Reality, like the fact that you decided what you are going to do, has no bearing on the discussion.

 

[Gorn]

Of course we missed it. There's still gold to be dug from this thread. 28 pages to go until it burns itself out. Reality, like the fact that you decided what you are going to do, has no bearing on the discussion.

When the personal attacks against my character begin, it's too hard for me to keep my mouth shut. I'd rather a mod close it at this point.

 

[jmattbassplaya]

I'm just going to share a thing that kinda frustrates me in discussions such as this: There seems to be a lot of willingness to bring up "false equivalence". You see it in comments like "everybody has some baggage". I also see it in a lot of political and other discussions as well.

But lets be clear, here. There is a difference between a girl who wants to party rather than get straight A's at Yale, so she only gets a B+ - And a girl who hits the local bar every Saturday to pick up a different guy and do coke or Crack.

Nobody's perfect and we all have baggage, but if I was single I'd be going for the first one. Just sayin'.

And the chick in the OP actually does have a LOT of baggage. It may not all be her fault, but it's still there.

False equivalence - Wikipedia

+100

Been seeing this more and more lately and it drives me up a wall.

 

[MJ5150]

From the OP I got the impression that the younger sister/co-worker is trying to set them up. And one thing about the internet, it's anonymous, so I don't see any violation in his asking advice here. It's not like any of us are going to run into her and say, "[gasp!] So YOU'RE the one!"

I could see that happening.
I have met a few TB'ers in person over the years.
If I were to meet up with @Gorn at some point, and he was with a woman, I'd totally ask him if she is the woman from this thread.

-Mike

 

[mellowinman]

When the personal attacks against my character begin, it's too hard for me to keep my mouth shut. I'd rather a mod close it at this point.

My experience has been if I report my own thread, and in the comments ask the mods to close it, it's closed within a few hours/sometimes minutes.