Fatal Attraction potential??

[Joe Nerve]

Probably been said already, but it's really a simple one:

"I'm really flattered, but I need to let you know I love my wife and there is no possible way this is going to go any further than a friendship." I also would not tell your wife as it would serve no good purpose, and only possibly give her reason for concern. Would probably make your work life a lot more difficult, too.

And I'll add this, something I've learned through not drinking for over 30 years. If you are certain you're not doing something, and say it with conviction, people will leave you alone. I don't drink. I never EVER get pressured by drinkers, and I'm in drinking situations more than most. Can't tell you how many people I know who stop drinking and have to fight with people about that because when offered a drink they say things like, "I'm staying away from alcohol for a while," or, "I don't really drink," or anything along those lines. As long as there's even a sliver of opportunity, people will persist. If you're sincere in your conviction that there's no way it's happening, it'll end. Been there, done that with women too (since I've been married) and trust me, it works the same.

And nobody's feelings will be hurt. Play any sort of game, and they will.

 

[murphy]

@Joe Nerve hits it on the head

My ex wife would not have cared about such things...trust was always implicit from both sides....and we shared everything

Current wife has trust issues...Dirt bag men in her past relationships...I would nip it in the bud before telling her

So...depending on your wife....Tell the Co worker, you are flattered , but adore your wife and would never cheat on her

 

[Norwegian Bass]

Another European here; I think you posted this whole thing to show off that you're (still) to some; a desirable male, am I right? What else can the reason be, since she's not hot and/or of any interest to you? Anyway, it's nice to know, and a boost, and nothing wrong with it, so no problem. And though we now know you're gonna tell your wife, it's funny to me how people here seem to be very comfortable about giving advice one way or the other, without knowing anything about the wife in question, her psychological make up and history. The best advice could be any one of the two; it depends! I also don't subscribe to the "No Secrets- rule" as always being golden. I always ask myself if the person I'm gonna tell something to; if this information is needed or constructive; or if it's unwanted, unneeded and destructive. If it was me; I'd have a talk with this co-worker where after saying "I'm very, very flattered" and "you really boosted my confidence there!" and "I'm married."; I'd ask her what her honest feelings were, not just towards me, but about her situation and her life in general, so I could see the underlying stuff going on that would manifest in these emotions and behaviour. And blah blah blah, so I could tell her: "See, it's not really me. It's because you want/need "this" and "that" and "whatever" and so forth.." So you can say "it's just feelings", "it will pass" and "you'll be fine". Problem solved!; unless she turns out to be a psychotic maniac!....

 

[Fishyfishfish]

No.
Just no.

 

[Aberdumbie]

Another European here; I think you posted this whole thing to show off that you're (still) to some; a desirable male, am I right? What else can the reason be, since she's not hot and/or of any interest to you? Anyway, it's nice to know, and a boost, and nothing wrong with it, so no problem. And though we now know you're gonna tell your wife, it's funny to me how people here seem to be very comfortable about giving advice one way or the other, without knowing anything about the wife in question, her psychological make up and history. The best advice could be any one of the two; it depends! I also don't subscribe to the "No Secrets- rule" as always being golden. I always ask myself if the person I'm gonna tell something to; if this information is needed or constructive; or if it's unwanted, unneeded and destructive. If it was me; I'd have a talk with this co-worker where after saying "I'm very, very flattered" and "you really boosted my confidence there!" and "I'm married."; I'd ask her what her honest feelings were, not just towards me, but about her situation and her life in general, so I could see the underlying stuff going on that would manifest in these emotions and behaviour. And blah blah blah, so I could tell her: "See, it's not really me. It's because you want/need "this" and "that" and "whatever" and so forth.." So you can say "it's just feelings", "it will pass" and "you'll be fine". Problem solved!; unless she turns out to be a psychotic maniac!....

Goodness.... Judgmental, are we??? Often unbiased and entirely neutral opinions of an uncomfortable situation can help the mind to defer to the most reasonable course of action. While there are those (as is expected on a public forum) that made light of the situation, most here offered honest and caring "opinions" addressing the matter at hand. @JMacBass65 seems to be a reasonable and thoughtful fellow. Now that he is armed with more information that may not have occurred to him previously, he is in a better position to choose the course of action that best suits him. That's no reason to pass judgment on folks offering their input on his challenging situation.

 

[electracoyote]

Well, things took a different turn over the past 36 hours. At 12:30AM Sat, she texted asking if I was up, as she couldn't sleep and had a charity 5K to do in the AM. I was asleep, BTW, so didn't see it. I did respond in the AM though, saying "yeah, I was asleep" and left it at that.

Fast forward o 8PM last night, where she sent something to me that made no sense, and said "sorry, wrong thread". Then, an hour and a half later, she sent me a smily emoji with a kissing lips thing. WTH?? Then a note saying that she "has a crush on me".

Holy crap, WTH is going on?

I said thanks for the compliment and tried to diffuse the situation.

She went back and forth between apologizing and feeling embarrassed, to sending more kissy face things and hearts. I suggested maybe there was some alcohol involved here, and she said "yeah, but doesn't change how I feel."

Yikes!!

It ended with another kissy face emoji.




She sent a note this am, apologizing again, with a blushing emoji.

I sense it will be a bit awkward the next time we are both in the office.

To each his own, and I'm not here to judge anyone.

But IMHO this is not how an adult woman gets my attention in a good way. This seems a little immature. I would be wary and probably try to diplomatically neutralize the situation.

Plus you're married. Plus this is an office situation. No-brainer, let her down gently.

 

[Munjibunga]

Another European here; I think you posted this whole thing to show off that you're (still) to some; a desirable male, am I right? What else can the reason be, since she's not hot and/or of any interest to you? Anyway, it's nice to know, and a boost, and nothing wrong with it, so no problem. And though we now know you're gonna tell your wife, it's funny to me how people here seem to be very comfortable about giving advice one way or the other, without knowing anything about the wife in question, her psychological make up and history. The best advice could be any one of the two; it depends! I also don't subscribe to the "No Secrets- rule" as always being golden. I always ask myself if the person I'm gonna tell something to; if this information is needed or constructive; or if it's unwanted, unneeded and destructive. If it was me; I'd have a talk with this co-worker where after saying "I'm very, very flattered" and "you really boosted my confidence there!" and "I'm married."; I'd ask her what her honest feelings were, not just towards me, but about her situation and her life in general, so I could see the underlying stuff going on that would manifest in these emotions and behaviour. And blah blah blah, so I could tell her: "See, it's not really me. It's because you want/need "this" and "that" and "whatever" and so forth.." So you can say "it's just feelings", "it will pass" and "you'll be fine". Problem solved!; unless she turns out to be a psychotic maniac!....

Let me go out on a limb here, but it sounds like you need a lot of drama in your life.

 

[neo 7]

Tell her to go pound sand and ruin some other dude's life.

 

[JMacBass65]

So......I thought the situation was somewhat diffused, until the past hour or so.

Crap.

There is more to it than that, but want to get to my computer, hate typing on my iPad.

And, I have some comments wrt a response or two, I'm looking at you, @Norwegian Bass

 

[Ox Boris]

Goodness.... Judgmental, are we???

I don't think the "we" is justified here, as Norweigian Bass passed the judgement clearly as the lead-in to his joke (made obvious by the smiley). It falls entirely within the confines of your next point:

While there are those (as is expected on a public forum) that made light of the situation

Then comes the best bit:

That's no reason to pass judgment on folks offering their input on his challenging situation.

I tried earnestly to search for a smiley to indicate that you were aware of the irony, but...

 

[FingerDub]

This is not fatal anything, this is dating in the 21st century, get used to it.

 

[Richland123]

Uh oh - she just texted me because she saw my open house signs on the road. I feel like a sitting duck.

If she shows up at one of your open house viewings, make sure all the bedroom doors are locked.

Back when I was attached (either serious dating relationships or marriage), there were women all around me who wanted to hook up. Now, that I have been single and available for a long time, the only women who hit on me are not any who I want to date. At my age, they don't just have baggage, they have a whole set of luggage.

 

[JMacBass65]

This is not fatal anything, this is dating in the 21st century, get used to it.

Well, she is married, and so am I. So there should be no "dating" at issue.

If she shows up at one of your open house viewings, make sure all the bedroom doors are locked.

Back when I was attached (either serious dating relationships or marriage), there were women all around me who wanted to hook up. Now, that I have been single and available for a long time, the only women who hit on me are not any who I want to date. At my age, they don't just have baggage, they have a whole set of luggage.

Right - locking doors - no doubt. And - sorry about your luck. That sucks!

 

[JMacBass65]

So......I thought the situation was somewhat diffused, until the past hour or so.

Crap.

There is more to it than that, but want to get to my computer, hate typing on my iPad.

And, I have some comments wrt a response or two, I'm looking at you, @Norwegian Bass

Never got around to expanding on this yesterday, so here goes.

We finally ended up in the office at the same time on Tuesday. I was already there, she showed up. Discussions about her current difficult client ensued, but she made very little eye contact. She seemed mostly normal, but a bit uncomfortable. I might have brought up the text exchange but another agent was nearby. He is frequently involved in our discussions, and also an easy guy to get along with. The three of us get on really well, largely due to time in the biz and age. He happens to be gay, and in a committed relationship. With my luck, he's gonna end up with a crush on me too.

Anyway - it seemed a bit awkward, but it felt to me like we might simply be able to move on without some big "talk" about it all. Had a text exchange or two after that were strictly business. I thought it might be over with.

And then......

Yesterday she texted me at 11:30 AM asking why I missed a meeting in the office. I told her I was at the hospital as my mom was having a procedure (truth - she's fine, BTW), and I was sorry to miss the meeting as I knew it would be a good one. She responded in a very appropriate way to that news.

Then - on the way home from the hospital, with the phone in a dashboard holder in view of my wife, she texted something about "picking up her kids and then stopping by the store". HUH?? That was quickly followed by - "sorry, wrong thread, that was for my Dad"

Hmm....OK. Now to keep driving and hope nothing inappropriate flashes on the screen.

And no, I had not (and still haven't) mentioned, anything to my wife. She did ask, and I said "agent in the office posting to the wrong thread", and she said "right, I figured". That was that.

And then.....hours later, poopie got weird again.

She texted with a message of "I will not text you", I followed with an "OK" emoji, trying not to engage much.

She followed that with "great talking to you", and I responded that I din't understand, and thought she might be posting to the wrong thread again.

She said "no, it's ok" and followed with a big purple heart.

Then a few minutes later said "this is hard for me"

Now I'm thinking "OH CRAP"

I tried to sympathize and said "sorry, I hope I am not making it that way" which was my way of saying "I'm not trying to lead you on"

She responded with "no, it's ok, if we were not married it'd be different" and a kissy face.

Holy poopie!! Now what???

I told her that was an important point to remember, and she said "yeah I know".

Unfortunately in my efforts to be a nice guy, I think I am confusing her.

The reality is even if we were both single, there would be nothing happening, I'm not attracted to her. But saying that would be hurtful. But focusing on the fact hat we are both married seems to suggest to her that that is the only roadblock here. As such, she thinks the feelings are mutual. CRAP!

This sucks no matter what!!

The exchange ended last night with an out of the blue, out of context "coffee? would love to, let me know " and then a huge red heart emoji.

NOW WHAT??

I think it's clear now that I need to tell my wife - I'll just alter the timeline a bit, but the risk that something will pop up on my screen within her view is too great.

But how to deal with this woman, who when home seems to get a bit "high school" on me? I truly don't want to hurt her feelings, up until all of this crap, she's been really cool.

 

[Fishheadjoe]

Time to drop the hammer! You need to tell her that her messaging you, outside of pure business in not only inappropriate, but potentially damaging to both your professional lives and personal lives. Insist that from this point forward, you are to have a purely professional relationship.
I hate to tell you this, but if i were you, I would be getting my resume up to date. If your wife is anything like mine, she'll either ask you to look for a new job, away from the c0-worker or she'll show up at your office and have it out with your co-worker. Either way, your lookin for new work.
Fishheadjoe

 

[Howlin' Hanson]

I would think that rule should be in the top ten, maybe even top 5.

Agreed, but it's an "NCIS" reference.

 

[Norwegian Bass]

Let me go out on a limb here, but it sounds like you need a lot of drama in your life.

Whaaat? Did you forget the after this or what? It's the other way around. I don't want drama, and have very little of it in my life, thanks to the strategies I've learned; thank God! It seems that it's on talkbass I get some occasional light grief. I think my advise is sound; what I described about the co worker; is cutting her off without damaging her self esteem; win-win. And I can't joke either, apparently. Seem that the Off Topic section is full of THIS IS A JOKE!!! snowflakes, safe spaces and the majority of the student body, and staff!!; at The Evergreen State College, Olympia Washington! WINK SMILEY FACE THAT WAS A JOKE. One of the differences between say the OP and me; is that when this happens to me; a woman of no interest to me having a crush on me; it is a event of little to no significance; nothing worth talking about really, more than a "by the way".. passing comment, the most. Posting about it on a forum, enhances the importance of the event. Where do you find drama here?
I'm the pompous, judgemental know it all European Viking!!! Fear my wrath!! Please, fear my wrath!

 

[Norwegian Bass]

I don't think the "we" is justified here, as Norweigian Bass passed the judgement clearly as the lead-in to his joke (made obvious by the smiley). It falls entirely within the confines of your next point:


Then comes the best bit:

I tried earnestly to search for a smiley to indicate that you were aware of the irony, but...

Halleluja, I'm not alone! Thanks, Boris; I owe you a Tim Tam!

 

[Munjibunga]

Whaaat? Did you forget the after this or what? It's the other way around. I don't want drama, and have very little of it in my life, thanks to the strategies I've learned; thank God! It seems that it's on talkbass I get some occasional light grief. I think my advise is sound; what I described about the co worker; is cutting her off without damaging her self esteem; win-win. And I can't joke either, apparently. Seem that the Off Topic section is full of THIS IS A JOKE!!! snowflakes, safe spaces and the majority of the student body, and staff!!; at The Evergreen State College, Olympia Washington! WINK SMILEY FACE THAT WAS A JOKE. One of the differences between say the OP and me; is that when this happens to me; a woman of no interest to me having a crush on me; it is a event of little to no significance; nothing worth talking about really, more than a "by the way".. passing comment, the most. Posting about it on a forum, enhances the importance of the event. Where do you find drama here?
I'm the pompous, judgemental know it all European Viking!!! Fear my wrath!! Please, fear my wrath!

... and verbose.

 

[Norwegian Bass]

Indeed...