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Funnies

B

bassturtle

Apr 9, 2004
4,322
4
45
#1
Okay, I'll throw a couple out here...

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombone player in the road?
A: There are swerve marks in front of the dead snake

Q: What's the difference between a frog driving a car and trombone player driving a car?
A: The frog is probably on his way to a gig.

:p YUK YUK YUK! :p
 
#3
NJL said:
oldie but goodie:

how do you get a trombone player off your porch?

pay him for the pizza

----

what's birth control for a french horn player?

his personality
Click to expand...


ROFL...I like to say drummer with that pizza man joke hehehe.

Q: What do you call a musician with no girlfriend or wife?
A: Broke and homeless
 
#5
Puns are the best:

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

And my favorite non-pun joke:
Two sausages are in a frying pan. One says "Man, it's hot in here!" The other one goes: "Hey! A talking sausage!"
 
#6
Q: What's green and has 6 wheels?
A: Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Q: What does Snoop Dogg use to get his white clothes really white?
A: Blee-atch!

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds so much?
A: Because there's twenty of them.

Q: What's better than winning the gold medal at the special olympics?
A: Being able to walk.
 
#8
Man, you gotta love the cheese factor going on in this post!

Okay, here's my new favorite joke.

Person A: Ask me if I'm a tree...
Person B: Umm...okay....are you a tree?
Person A: No


I don't know why I find that so darn funny, but I love the "What the hell?" looks I get from people. :help:
 
#10
bassturtle said:
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

A: Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon and Michael Jackson molests small boys.
Click to expand...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.....

HAHAHAhahaha-ha-ha-ha... heh... whew!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
 
#12
Brendan said:
Keep it PG, folks. Family board and all.
Click to expand...

*sheepish grin* sowwie *sheepish grin* :hiding:

Here's one for the kiddies to make up for the 'bad taste' jokes

person A: knock knock
person B: Who's there?
person A: Impatient cow
person B: Impatient co (person A interupts)
person A: MOOOOOOOOOOOO
 
#13
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog died."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
 
#14
A bass player walks into the bar, says "gimme a beer", and the bartender says, "this one's on me, you sound a little low today".

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to haul the cab so the third one can stand on it and screw it in.

Q: What's the difference between a bass and a go go dancer?
A: Three strings.

A bass player walks into the music store, and he's got a hat, rubber boots, and a box full of worms. He walks up to the sales guy and says "I need a new bass". The sales guy says "what's up with the outfit" and the bass player says "goin' fishing".
 
#15
Here's a couple of old ones, some music related, some not.

What do you call a guy that hangs around with a few musicians......... a drummer.


Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

I was gonna put more on, but I can't think of anymore semi-clean ones.
 
#16
How many singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, they just hold the lightbulb in their hand and the world revolves around them.

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
9, 1 to screw in the light bulb, two to talk about how the old one was better and 5 to talk about how they could do it better.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change it, and five to fight off the guitarist trying to steal the light

How many tuba players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
40, 1 to hold the light bulb and 39 to drink enough beer until the room starts spinning.

How many Jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they don't worry about the changes. They'll just fake it

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool

How do you put a sparkle in a drummer's eye?
Shine a flashlight in his ear

What do you get when you cross a drummer and a roadie?
A dumb roadie

How do you know if a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knocking gets louder and faster

How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
Put sheet music in front of him

What's the difference between a singer songwriter and a puppy?
Eventually the puppy stops whining

How do you become a millionaire playing bass?
Start out with a billion

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
Because most shops close by six thirty.

And the finale:
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says that he hadn't had a bowel movement in a week. The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him to comeback if it doesn't work. A week later the guy is back, and still no movement. The doctor then prescribes a powerful laxative. Another week later the poor guy is back, still with no results. The doctor get worried and starts asking some questions to try and figure out what is wrong. He asks, "What do you do for a living?" The patient responds, "I'm a musician."
The doctor looks up and says, "Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
 

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