Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by bassturtle, Apr 30, 2004.

  1. bassturtle


    Apr 9, 2004
    Okay, I'll throw a couple out here...

    Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombone player in the road?
    A: There are swerve marks in front of the dead snake

    Q: What's the difference between a frog driving a car and trombone player driving a car?
    A: The frog is probably on his way to a gig.

    :p YUK YUK YUK! :p
  2. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    oldie but goodie:

    how do you get a trombone player off your porch?

    pay him for the pizza


    what's birth control for a french horn player?

    his personality
  3. bassturtle


    Apr 9, 2004

    ROFL...I like to say drummer with that pizza man joke hehehe.

    Q: What do you call a musician with no girlfriend or wife?
    A: Broke and homeless
  4. level_1


    Apr 18, 2004
    Central CA
    One of my favorites:

    Why do bass players leave an old set of strings on their dashboards?

    So they can park in the handicap spots. :D
  5. Puns are the best:

    Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
    The other says, "Are you sure?"
    The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

    A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

    And my favorite non-pun joke:
    Two sausages are in a frying pan. One says "Man, it's hot in here!" The other one goes: "Hey! A talking sausage!"
  6. Benjamin Strange

    Benjamin Strange Commercial User

    Dec 25, 2002
    New Orleans, LA
    Owner / Tech: Strange Guitarworks
    Q: What's green and has 6 wheels?
    A: Grass. I lied about the wheels.

    Q: What does Snoop Dogg use to get his white clothes really white?
    A: Blee-atch!

    Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds so much?
    A: Because there's twenty of them.

    Q: What's better than winning the gold medal at the special olympics?
    A: Being able to walk.
  7. Nice. The grass one's awesome.

    Here's another one:

    A priest, rabbi, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke??"

  8. bassturtle


    Apr 9, 2004
    Man, you gotta love the cheese factor going on in this post!

    Okay, here's my new favorite joke.

    Person A: Ask me if I'm a tree...
    Person B: Umm...okay....are you a tree?
    Person A: No

    I don't know why I find that so darn funny, but I love the "What the hell?" looks I get from people. :help:
  9. bassturtle


    Apr 9, 2004
    Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

    A: Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon and Michael Jackson molests small boys.
  10. Benjamin Strange

    Benjamin Strange Commercial User

    Dec 25, 2002
    New Orleans, LA
    Owner / Tech: Strange Guitarworks


    HAHAHAhahaha-ha-ha-ha... heh... whew!

  11. Brendan


    Jun 18, 2000
    Austin, TX
    Keep it PG, folks. Family board and all.
  12. bassturtle


    Apr 9, 2004
    *sheepish grin* sowwie *sheepish grin* :bag:

    Here's one for the kiddies to make up for the 'bad taste' jokes

    person A: knock knock
    person B: Who's there?
    person A: Impatient cow
    person B: Impatient co (person A interupts)
  13. So I went to the dentist.
    He said "Say Aaah."
    I said "Why?"
    He said "My dog died."

    A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
    The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
    "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
    "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

    Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

    Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

    I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
  14. nonsqtr

    nonsqtr The emperor has no clothes!

    Aug 29, 2003
    Burbank CA USA
    A bass player walks into the bar, says "gimme a beer", and the bartender says, "this one's on me, you sound a little low today".

    Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three. Two to haul the cab so the third one can stand on it and screw it in.

    Q: What's the difference between a bass and a go go dancer?
    A: Three strings.

    A bass player walks into the music store, and he's got a hat, rubber boots, and a box full of worms. He walks up to the sales guy and says "I need a new bass". The sales guy says "what's up with the outfit" and the bass player says "goin' fishing".
  15. danshee

    danshee Banned

    May 28, 2004
    Chicago, Illinois
    Here's a couple of old ones, some music related, some not.

    What do you call a guy that hangs around with a few musicians......... a drummer.

    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
    It was dead.

    I was gonna put more on, but I can't think of anymore semi-clean ones.
  16. jive1

    jive1 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member Commercial User

    Jan 16, 2003
    Owner/Retailer: Jive Sound
    How many singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    Just one, they just hold the lightbulb in their hand and the world revolves around them.

    How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    9, 1 to screw in the light bulb, two to talk about how the old one was better and 5 to talk about how they could do it better.

    How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
    One to change it, and five to fight off the guitarist trying to steal the light

    How many tuba players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    40, 1 to hold the light bulb and 39 to drink enough beer until the room starts spinning.

    How many Jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
    None, they don't worry about the changes. They'll just fake it

    How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
    One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been.

    What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

    How do you put a sparkle in a drummer's eye?
    Shine a flashlight in his ear

    What do you get when you cross a drummer and a roadie?
    A dumb roadie

    How do you know if a drummer is knocking at your door?
    The knocking gets louder and faster

    How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
    Put sheet music in front of him

    What's the difference between a singer songwriter and a puppy?
    Eventually the puppy stops whining

    How do you become a millionaire playing bass?
    Start out with a billion

    Why do bands have bass players?
    To translate for the drummer.

    Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
    Because most shops close by six thirty.

    And the finale:
    A guy walks into the doctor's office and says that he hadn't had a bowel movement in a week. The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him to comeback if it doesn't work. A week later the guy is back, and still no movement. The doctor then prescribes a powerful laxative. Another week later the poor guy is back, still with no results. The doctor get worried and starts asking some questions to try and figure out what is wrong. He asks, "What do you do for a living?" The patient responds, "I'm a musician."
    The doctor looks up and says, "Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
  17. ubersam


    Oct 12, 2000
    Q: what did the guitarist and the bassist do when they locked the keys in the car?

    A: they jimmied the door to get the drummer out.

    Q: What did they do when they couldn't jimmy the door?

    A: They broke the window of the top-down convertible.

  18. That was so funny....I´m such a nerd. :D
  19. For the 12378 th time a lightbulb joke.

    Q: How many bassplayers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A. None. The keyboardplayer can do that with his left hand.
  20. Nick Wagner

    Nick Wagner

    Feb 24, 2003
    WA, USA
    How do you make a Baritone sound like a French Horn?

    Stick your hand in the bell and play wrong notes.

    (I play Horn.. :( )