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Funnies

#23
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.


What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.


What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.


Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"
 
#29
An oldie, non-music one, but still cracks me up:

How many message board members does it take to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to demand it be moved to the Lighting section.

2 to argue that it be moved to the Electrical section.

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

5 to flame the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp."

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group, which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "me too."

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

And 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
 
#37
fastplant said:
An oldie, non-music one, but still cracks me up:

How many message board members does it take to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to demand it be moved to the Lighting section.

2 to argue that it be moved to the Electrical section.

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

5 to flame the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp."

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group, which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "me too."

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

And 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
Click to expand...



Now that is funny. Ain't it the truth.
 
#38
Two very old statues of a naked man and naked woman, facing each other, weathered and pooped on from pigeons using them as a perch suddenly find themselves as real people. In awe over there newfound flesh and nakedness, suddenly say out loud, "How did this happen?" A wizard walks up behind them and says, " Yes, I've made you real. However, you will only be real for this one hour in your entire existence. And in that one hour, you are able to do whatever you wish." The statues, now giddy, look at each other and quickly run into the seclusion of the bushes. The bushes shake back and forth, up and down, back and forth until about a half an hour later the two statues emerge, giggling and sweaty. The wizard, shocked, looks at his watch and says," You were only in there half an hour, of the only hour you will ever get to spend as real live humans in your entire existence. Are you sure you don't want to take advantage of this other half an hour that you have remaining?" The male statue looks at the female one. He then says," You know, he's right! This time, you hold down the pigeon and I'll poop on his head!" :bassist:
 
#39
mycranium said:
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Click to expand...

That's one by Tommy Cooper isn't it? Gotta love him. Here's some more:

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"I was running through the desert with a glass of whiskey in my hand, screaming 'water, water'"

"I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids..."

"This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant."
 

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