Group Dynamics Issue

[Jokei]

They're out there, be open minded and just be yourself. That's all a woman really wants. That and (diamonds, money, etc.), lol. Trust is a huge thing, took me a while to learn that.

True, but my problem - aside from playing bass is I'm a music collector/hoarder.
Why spend money on going out for drinks to meet ladies when I can buy music that'll last me a lifetime?

 

[Todd LaCasse]

True, but my problem - aside from playing bass is I'm a music collector/hoarder.
Why spend money on going out for drinks to meet ladies when I can buy music that'll last me a lifetime?

You might meet someone who is just like you. Lots of female musicians who love music. Maybe she'll spend money on you, lol. Music is timeless, true. I have a friend of mine who just retired, a guitar player. He's a life long bachelor at 63. And he owns over 30 guitars and basses and collects other stuff. He's very happy. Something to be said for either choice, I suppose. Good luck either way.

 

[honeyiscool]

I relate so much to some of these threads but don't want to start talking about my bands because I'm deathly afraid someone will read it and tattle on me.

 

[Todd LaCasse]

I relate so much to some of these threads but don't want to start talking about my bands because I'm deathly afraid someone will read it and tattle on me.

Sometimes you have to stir things up a little to get some desired change. It saves time and eliminates confusion. You can be tactful about it, but you ought to be able to speak your mind without making it personal.

 

[Jokei]

I relate so much to some of these threads but don't want to start talking about my bands because I'm deathly afraid someone will read it and tattle on me.

Do you use that username elsewhere? Post them all as hypotheticals...
I think I knew in my heart what I needed to do when I posted, but it's been helpful to think on what others have said.

 

[Todd LaCasse]

Do you use that username elsewhere? Post them all as hypotheticals...
I think I knew in my heart what I needed to do when I posted, but it's been helpful to think on what others have said.

My life is an open book. I try to not say anything that will offend anyone, nor is it my desire to do so. But I do have an informed opinion generally but it may not always be what others believe. At this stage of my life I just seek to gain or share knowledge. I've been blessed in many ways, learning from others is one of them. Including some of the best musicians in Nashville who I've made friends with on Facebook and through other media. It's surprising how cordial and responsive they are, and how much knowledge they share about their playing, gear and other things. I reciprocate their cordiality by being respectful of who they are. I've played and sang for over 40 years with some very good musicians, but not as good as some of those in this forum, who include some of these Nashville types. I'm grateful to be able to communicate with them, and others at all levels. Hope things work out for you.

 

[mambo4]

I relate so much to some of these threads but don't want to start talking about my bands because I'm deathly afraid someone will read it and tattle on me.

communicating the truth in person is difficult.
poorly communicated truth is often worse than silence.
But being mindful and planning for of the reactions and responses of others
allows you to speak truth to them in a way that moves things forward
and is far more preferable than venting secretly and fearing discovery.

That said, Some people will still react badly to anything that conflicts with their view.
They are not good band mates.

 

[Wasnex]

Anyway, done dusted, better than expected, don't feel great about it.
Very definitely did my best to be nice, complimentary and positive... I think he just wanted to get away from me when it was out in the open though, which I do feel crappy about, but that's not an unreasonable thing for him to do.

I am sure your training and experience helped this go as smoothly as possible. I am glad you took a positive approach as there was no apparent reason to damage the person further. IMHO, in the long run, it's almost always best to take the high road. Good on you for making the effort. I hope you quickly find a good player with a better personality fit.

 

[Jokei]

I've got to look myself in the mirror at some point and that's not pretty, but at least I can do it with a conscience.
I've taken the evening for trashy comedy and some comfort food.

Thanks for being kind, I've wanted to do the right thing - it's just that caught in the headlights feeling of what is the right thing... and inaction would have been worse.

On the plus side, the other two have been quite supportive of it and kind too

 

[1bassleft]

Anyway, done dusted, better than expected, don't feel great about it.
Very definitely did my best to be nice, complimentary and positive... I think he just wanted to get away from me when it was out in the open though, which I do feel crappy about, but that's not an unreasonable thing for him to do.

Dude, are you accusing me of trying to be positive?
I'm sadly not young

All the while I typed (and, believe it or not, edited down) my massive TLDR, I was thinking "I hope I'm not telling Jokei how to remove albumen by creating a vacuum in the calcite monocoque" and it turns out that I was. Sorry for teaching you how to suck eggs (is that a phrase that clicks over the pond?) - I made an assumption that you were new-ish to originals bands.

I sympathize with what you've had to do, and you've earned and deserved your night off. If you can (difficult, if you're as decent a person as you've come across in this thread), try not to dwell too much on how much you might have made the guitarist feel. I've been ditched far more undeservingly and less thoughtfully in the past but I lived. When you know it's not going to work out, it just has to be done. I hope everything gels nicely soon. Out of interest, did you sort out what happens with the songs - or was it really not the time?

 

[Jokei]

Hey, never any harm in a good egg recipe

I remember when I tried out for a band when I was 18 and I was not a good bass player (think I'd been at it a year) and they were quite harsh to me about saying "no" and there's no need to be crappy to someone at all.

It's all good, the main thing is the rest of the guys have been supportive and helpful.

Song wise, kept 4 (mine), lost 5 (guitarist). That's a bit of a knock, but I'm off work for a fortnight, I've got a bunch of rough ideas recorded on the laptop and it's time to go through them and do some hard work. That's going to help too AND most importantly it's going to be a new challenge to me as a player - we're going to be practicing/jamming with no guitar for the forseeable... I like doing pretty chordal stuff with my 6er, so I've kind of got the feeling we might still be able to pull some stuff off. If these young 'uns like Lightning Bolt, Om and the poppier ones can do it...

Sadly, UPS tried to deliver my Markbass at 9am sharp - when I nipped out to the shops, thinking they wouldn't come that early. I'm not leaving the property tomorrow so hopefully my nice new toy will turn up and it can be an inspiration day.

 

[1bassleft]

After Tufnel left, Spinal Tap tried freeform jazz. Your sitch is making me think Drum 'n' Bass (I'm old enough to remember its aka of Jungle) could be the way to go. Again, apols if that genre just hasn't crossed the pond and I'm blathering...

 

[Jazz Ad]

"the guitarist sounds as though he's on the ASD Spectrum"
From reading the posts, it really does sound as though he's not a good fit personally. However, the issue is more how do you let him down gently / with a positive spin?

Although you don't have to be friends with your band mates, it helps that you get on with them on a personal level. Difficult personalities cause destructive friction in bands. At the end of the day, it's a team effort, and as Band Leader, you're the Team Captain. If one of your team members isn't "playing the game" then they don't have the best interests of the team at heart.

Here's what I get from your message : don't bother with disabled/difficult people, just ditch them nicely.
It's fortunate that everybody doesn't think the way you do or we'd miss a large chunk of human artistry.

 

[buldog5151bass]

Although you don't have to be friends with your band mates, it helps that you get on with them on a personal level. Difficult personalities cause destructive friction in bands. At the end of the day, it's a team effort, and as Band Leader, you're the Team Captain. If one of your team members isn't "playing the game" then they don't have the best interests of the team at heart.

As opposed to the Beatles, the Kinks (who would throw cymbals at each other on stage), and any other number of bands that were not friends. As stated before I have been in bands where the only time I spoke with the other members was at rehearsals or at gigs, and the only thing we ever discussed was the music.

It's a band, not a friendship society.

 

[Jokei]

Here's what I get from your message : don't bother with disabled/difficult people, just ditch them nicely.
It's fortunate that everybody doesn't think the way you do or we'd miss a large chunk of human artistry.

I think that's a little unkind. Maybe I've not expressed myself clearly throughout this - I've more used this as a sounding board throughout to distill my own thoughts and all the feedback's been useful. People have read different things into what I've said - and that's been helpful too.

The work-related training states were ALL on the spectrum somewhere or other, personally I think some of the traits have been an evolutionary necessity - to get us where we are now - certainly behaving in rigid patterns has helped us hunt/gather and farm.

I don't think Skybone's comments were a dig at people with explicit learning difficulties - there's a lot out there that aren't immediately obvious (and I'm gonna guess you've some experience of this).

The harsher "get rid of him comments" have possibly been the most useful, because I've reacted to them in myself and thought "ok, I need to try and handle this as gently as possible" - I really hope I have.

I know throughout history some artists have been "disabled" in some respects, or just difficult people - apparently Lou Reed was quite awful and that stopped some people having working relationships with him, others didn't. I'm very much about my Service Users being able to go anywhere and do anything, but I'm going to discourage them from making people unhappy (to a degree). Let me give you an example.

One of my S/U will take drinks at any opportunity, this is fine at home - we all know if we want to drink our coffee, it stays in our hands. If we're out in public and the S/U is trying to take drinks off strangers I'll actively discourage that and we have the arrangement that if we can't act appropriately then we go - this is a "deal we've made"to go out and access the community like any other person should be able to. As an aside, sometimes they just don't give a damn and that's fine, that's what I'm there for. I absolutely love my job, it's the best thing I've ever done with my life.
However, the average dude in a cafe/restaurant/shopping mall doesn't deserve their coffee taken out their hand.

I really don't think anyone here wants to be crappy to anyone else, we're bassists, we're better than that

I'm rambling...

 

[Jazz Ad]

I didn't intend to be crappy. Most often inappropriate behaviors don't happen because people are evil but rather because they didn't think about the deep effects of their actions.