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Head First into Fatherhood
- Thread starter blendermassacre
- Start date
If you really love her, and you're willing to make the sacrifices, those are the main things.
As for the kids, there is a temptation to be their buddy. Bad move. You are an authority figure. You don't have to be a hard ass, but you do have to apply a standard, live by it, and expect those in your household to do the same. There will be plenty of opportunities to be their playmate, but if you are reluctant or inconsistent on the authority-figure end, it could get really tough.
My step kids love me, even though I was fearless in laying down the law. I took advantage of every opportunity to have fun, and let's face it, musicians are just cool in the eyes of most young people. But when household expectations and standards had to be upheld, I never backed down.
Fortunately, my step kids had two great natural parents. I really respected their natural father, and he was very involved with them in a positive way. I made it clear to my step kids and demonstrated it in my life: I am not your natural father, but I respect and defend your natural father, his rights, and your relationship with him. They had lots of good upbringing from three caring adults, and it really paid off.
Depending on what they've been through and the attitudes they've developed, you'll probably get the most immediate cooperation and respect from the younger ones, but a twelve-year-old girl may have some ideas of her own. You might have to actually earn her trust and respect by having admirable standards and qualities for an adult and being consistent and fair.
Don't be afraid to uphold what's right, but, whenever possible, let the natural parents do the dirty disciplinary/enforcer work.
ALL OF THIS!!! ^
I'm the bio-dad in my situation, but have learned a lot from my wife and her struggles on how to fit with my daughter, myself, and my ex-wife and her husband (my ex-friend).
D'oh-I should be clear: I was trying to point out issues you may need to be especially sensitive to. It's delicate, at times.
The general consensus I've come to about the bio-dads is to be cool until otherwise necessary. To me, in this situation, the past is past. If something comes up, then it comes up, but until then, they've got my support, and hopefully I've got theirs.
Your posts don't paint you as much of a fatherly type, so I really hope you're ready for this. I went the premade family route myself and inherited a nine and six year old. It was harder than I thought, and got even more difficult when they became teenagers.
As great, awesome, loving, responsible, friendly, respectful, fair, and honest as you may be, you'll probably still get hit with "you're not my dad" comments. It broke my heart the first few times I heard it.
Best wishes to you bro.
-Mike
As great, awesome, loving, responsible, friendly, respectful, fair, and honest as you may be, you'll probably still get hit with "you're not my dad" comments. It broke my heart the first few times I heard it.
Best wishes to you bro.
-Mike
Oh. I know that one of the bio dads was (read: is) kind of a party boy and womanizer. He's the announcer for the local roller derby team
rollno and was constantly on the road with a van full of girls, out late with them, etc. He's a good part time dad to his kid, but fell short with everything else. Dad #1 was really young, and I'd imagine that had something to do with it.
To say it's not a big change in my life would be a lie, but one that I think is worth it. I can't say that I'm ready, but I'm ready to learn.
That is a much healthier attitude than far too many people who are already parents.
I would change your last name to something else besides "Massacre," but other than that...it's your life and have fun!
blendermassacre said:
Your humility is admirable and a good trait to have as a father. The fact you didn't reply back to me irritated that I wasn't all warm and fuzzy about it tells me you are serious and ready.
Hang in there buddy, and don't be afraid to lean on us as needed. We'll be here for you.
-Mike
Yes...a long as we don't have to change any diapers. I ain't changing any more gawdamn diapers.
Thanks Mike. I realize that this isn't a popular decision, but it's one that I'm happy with right now, and am willing to work at for forever.
I would say that a good long talk between you and the mother is most certainly in order.
In this talk I would bring up what your role in the family is going to be, find out what she expects from you as a father figure or if she is even looking for you to play the role of such.
I've seen far too many guys go walking in unknowingly thinking they are going to play daddy and the kids aren't the one that gives them trouble it's their partner. Establish VERY CLEAR guidelines for how you are to be involved with them.
I would also highly recommend you also have a good man to man with both fathers and do the same with them, set expectations discuss concerns, and hear there's regardless of your feelings or the mothers (Not saying they're negative or not) but these guys arre and ALWAYS will be the fathers to these kids. You need to respect that.
And keep in mind that the picture that your partner has painted for you of who and how they are I can assure you that they would have told that same story in a much different way. Not calling her a liar just saying people have different perceptions on how their relationship came to an end.
And I'm sure you know the typical two sides to every story and then the truth, Develop your own opinions based off of ONLY what you know for fact. Nothing off of story should be played into it unless you know w/o doubt it to be true.
Then after all of this IMPORTANT stuff. Then and only then should you worry about how to fill your new role as a father figure for these children.
Just my opinions, I wish you the best of luck with it your gonna need it. This WILL be the best times AND the worst times of your life, that I guarantee. Enjoy them when they're good and love them when they're not.
Welcome to your new family.
On a side note: I watched my brother grow very attached to some kids in a similar situation, some really great kids I even grew attached as if they were my nieces and nephews which I still consider them to be.
Well after 15 years of being the only dad they ever knew, the mom up and decided she wanted to share her love with her boss. When they're not your kids there's nothing you can do but cry and watch her stuff them into the car and drive off into the sunset.
Be sure you yourself are prepared for all of these possibilities and take all of them into consideration.
Okay I'm done. Sorry
In this talk I would bring up what your role in the family is going to be, find out what she expects from you as a father figure or if she is even looking for you to play the role of such.
I've seen far too many guys go walking in unknowingly thinking they are going to play daddy and the kids aren't the one that gives them trouble it's their partner. Establish VERY CLEAR guidelines for how you are to be involved with them.
I would also highly recommend you also have a good man to man with both fathers and do the same with them, set expectations discuss concerns, and hear there's regardless of your feelings or the mothers (Not saying they're negative or not) but these guys arre and ALWAYS will be the fathers to these kids. You need to respect that.
And keep in mind that the picture that your partner has painted for you of who and how they are I can assure you that they would have told that same story in a much different way. Not calling her a liar just saying people have different perceptions on how their relationship came to an end.
And I'm sure you know the typical two sides to every story and then the truth, Develop your own opinions based off of ONLY what you know for fact. Nothing off of story should be played into it unless you know w/o doubt it to be true.
Then after all of this IMPORTANT stuff. Then and only then should you worry about how to fill your new role as a father figure for these children.
Just my opinions, I wish you the best of luck with it your gonna need it. This WILL be the best times AND the worst times of your life, that I guarantee. Enjoy them when they're good and love them when they're not.
Welcome to your new family.
On a side note: I watched my brother grow very attached to some kids in a similar situation, some really great kids I even grew attached as if they were my nieces and nephews which I still consider them to be.
Well after 15 years of being the only dad they ever knew, the mom up and decided she wanted to share her love with her boss. When they're not your kids there's nothing you can do but cry and watch her stuff them into the car and drive off into the sunset.
Be sure you yourself are prepared for all of these possibilities and take all of them into consideration.
Okay I'm done. Sorry
