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Head First into Fatherhood

blendermassacre

blendermassacre

May 28, 2009
4,242
371
kansas city, mo
#1
So as some of you know, about 18 months ago my wife and I split up, for various reasons. I have dated on an off, had some one night stands, etc since then, but I've finally found a girl who I'm crazy about. We've been dating for a while, and things are going great. She's, in a lot of ways, my perfect girl. She's beautiful, super smart (working on her second degree), funny, etc. We recently decided to move from casually dating to being "in a relationship", which is great.

That being said, she's got a brood of kids. To me, this isn't a deal breaker. I've always wanted kids, and so it's not a problem, but I'd take any advice that you guys have to give.

Kids range in age from 12 to 2, the two oldest are girls, the two youngest are boys.

Not really looking for "Don't do it!!!!". I realize that it's an uphill road, and not an easy one, but I'm committed to make it work.
 
#2
Cool man! I dont have any experience with other people's kids, at least not in the sense that you could possibly be taking on.
I'll say this, though... I know two guys dating girls who have kids, and they never really struck me as good role models or the parent type, and both have been doing a much better job than I gave them credit for.
 
#3
MatticusMania said:
Cool man! I dont have any experience with other people's kids, at least not in the sense that you could possibly be taking on.
I'll say this, though... I know two guys dating girls who have kids, and they never really struck me as good role models or the parent type, and both have been doing a much better job than I gave them credit for.
Click to expand...

I am, by nature, a super patient and laid back guy. I realize that these kids have gone through a lot ( the middle two's dad is non existent) so that helps me be more patient with them.
 
#5
Can't think of a better man for the job!
Dont try to become "dad" just be you. If it's meant to work, it will.
Be gentle but firm, GUIDE teh kids when needed, don't try to change anyone and the one ultimate thing is that you and their mom have to be on the same wavelength when it comes to discipline and such.
 
#8
Relic said:
Dont try to become "dad" just be you. If it's meant to work, it will.
Click to expand...

Thats a good tip right there. Keep in mind these kids, especially the older ones, may never see you as "Dad" (then again, they still might).
Dont force yourself into that role, but that doesnt mean that you cant still be a strong positive male figure in their lives.
 
#9
Relic said:
Can't think of a better man for the job!
Dont try to become "dad" just be you. If it's meant to work, it will.
Be gentle but firm, GUIDE teh kids when needed, don't try to change anyone and the one ultimate thing is that you and their mom have to be on the same wavelength when it comes to discipline and such.
Click to expand...

Thanks. I'm just trying to be "cool, but obviously not going to take your ******** new guy in your life". Laid back, but definitely firm and not taking any gruff.
 
#10
Thank GOD. I skimmed, saw *18 mos* and was all *PLEASE don't tell me you're having kids that soon into a relationship...* :D
Diving into a pre-existing/established family, though? I have no experience here, so I'll just say good for you- I'm hoping/praying/thinking good things for you & all involved parties... :)
 
#11
blendermassacre said:
Thanks. I'm just trying to be "cool, but obviously not going to take your ******** new guy in your life". Laid back, but definitely firm and not taking any gruff.
Click to expand...

Well, be ready. You WILL be tested, I promise. But that doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing - it's part of being a parent. As twisted as it sounds, it's a good thing.
Be "there" for them. By that I mean, be available, be stable, steady and firm - the kids will need it and appreciate it, even though you may be the last to know that :)
 
#13
Happy for you, Payton.

Good on you for wanting to take on the father figure role. I have not been in your exact position, but I have taken on my wife's little sister from the age of 12, as well as a slew of kids over the years for various reasons.

Take that .02 for whatever it's worth, and I'd say to just be there for the kids' practical needs, as well as being a helpful family member to them (homework, watch TV with them, buy them something from the store when you make a stop on the way home, etcetc...). Don't get involved with discipline unless you at some point feel that they accept you as enough of an authority figure not to want to disappoint you. Meantime, though, with your demeanor command their respect purely as an adult. I've got a feeling I'm not saying anything new here...

Congratulations man. I'm happy for you and I know that the kids will just love yo' chunky ***....
 
#14
macaroni tony said:
Happy for you, Payton.

Good on you for wanting to take on the father figure role. I have not been in your exact position, but I have taken on my wife's little sister from the age of 12, as well as a slew of kids over the years for various reasons.

Take that .02 for whatever it's worth, and I'd say to just be there for the kids' practical needs, as well as being a helpful family member to them (homework, watch TV with them, buy them something from the store when you make a stop on the way home, etcetc...). Don't get involved with discipline unless you at some point feel that they accept you as enough of an authority figure not to want to disappoint you. Meantime, though, with your demeanor command their respect purely as an adult. I've got a feeling I'm not saying anything new here...

Congratulations man. I'm happy for you and I know that the kids will just love yo' chunky ***....
Click to expand...

I'm glad their hot, awesome mom loves my chunky ***, too.
 
#17
Relic said:
Well, be ready. You WILL be tested, I promise. But that doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing - it's part of being a parent. As twisted as it sounds, it's a good thing.
Be "there" for them. By that I mean, be available, be stable, steady and firm - the kids will need it and appreciate it, even though you may be the last to know that :)
Click to expand...

I never "tested my stepdad but my dad was never gone. What's the deal with the existent dads?
 
#19
1. Being on the same page with your lady related to behavior/discipline of her kids is critical (and sometimes this will mean deferring to her decision even if you don't completely agree). Kids WILL find a way to manipulate both of you if you're not united. If you two are at odds with each other over decisions relating to the kids, it's going to put a lot of stress on the whole house - especially your relationship with your lady, and that's a battle you WILL lose. If you have a difference of opinion, try to sort it out away from the kids.

2. Be a parental figure, not a friend. It's great to have fun, play games, laugh like hell, and all that, but when it's time to be a grown-up, be one. Don't be another kid that your lady has to parent, be a role model.

3. You're an intelligent, thoughtful, kind guy. Trust your instincts, but keep your mind - and your ears - open.

5. This will be the most challenging thing you've ever done.
 

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