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Head First into Fatherhood

#61
If I'm reading this correctly, you've got 4 kids over three different dads??? If that's the case, I'd say this: do NOT try to parent these kids. These kids are pros at this step dad thing by now. Insist that they give you respect, but leave it at that. Don't involve yourself in discipline matters that don't directly involve you. Most importantly, make sure their mother demands their respect of you as well. You will have a miserable experience without her full support.
 
#62
blendermassacre said:
I realize that this isn't a popular decision, but it's one that I'm happy with right now, and am willing to work at for forever.
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In most cases I'd say "hit it and quit it", but hey, have fun hitting the diving board, and then your head when it meets the ground.

Then again, I haven't really met a woman that doesn't display a superiority complex, a complete lack of common sense, and a sense of overreaction that enables me to punch her buttons to immediately cut off any conversation in record times.

Then again, I have a buddy who moved out to MO, enjoys living on welfare, and has 4 children, 1 which isn't even his. And he seems to have a smile tho he can't keep both eyes open during the day :D
 
#63
4 kids? Wow. Good luck!

I really have no advice to offer, but I'll share my (limited) experience:

When my girlfriend and I started dating her daughter was 10, and her dad is a worthless POS that doesn't want to take her, so she came to my place almost every weekend. Not knowing anything about parenting and not wanting to take on an "authoritative" role, I decided to just play it cool and be my normal, silly-ass self. That's worked out quite well as she respects and listens to me, she's adopted my sillyness, and she's also opened up to me about some stuff she would never tell her mom or dad. So now it's sort of like having an 11yr old female version of myself to hang out with. Plus, since we're VERY similar in personality, taste, etc, I now have one more vote on my side. Her dog votes my way as well, so it's 3 against 1. :D
 
#65
Waffles and Scotch said:
4 kids? Wow. Good luck!

I really have no advice to offer, but I'll share my (limited) experience:

When my girlfriend and I started dating her daughter was 10, and her dad is a worthless POS that doesn't want to take her, so she came to my place almost every weekend. Not knowing anything about parenting and not wanting to take on an "authoritative" role, I decided to just play it cool and be my normal, silly-ass self. That's worked out quite well as she respects and listens to me, she's adopted my sillyness, and she's also opened up to me about some stuff she would never tell her mom or dad. So now it's sort of like having an 11yr old female version of myself to hang out with. Plus, since we're VERY similar in personality, taste, etc, I now have one more vote on my side. Her dog votes my way as well, so it's 3 against 1. :D
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Based on my own experiences with my 13-year-old daughter, you could see things start to change in the next couple of years. Using your close relationship as a manipulation tool is something to watch out for. She also might start playing you against her mother. Just stay aware of what's going on.

The dog, however, can always be trusted.
 
#67
EricF said:
Based on my own experiences with my 13-year-old daughter, you could see things start to change in the next couple of years. Using your close relationship as a manipulation tool is something to watch out for. She also might start playing you against her mother. Just stay aware of what's going on.

The dog, however, can always be trusted.
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LMAO!!

Ain't that the darn truth!!
That made my morning :)
 
#74
EricF said:
Based on my own experiences with my 13-year-old daughter, you could see things start to change in the next couple of years. Using your close relationship as a manipulation tool is something to watch out for. She also might start playing you against her mother. Just stay aware of what's going on.

The dog, however, can always be trusted.
Click to expand...

:D The good thing is, if I piss off the dog (she's a diva) all I have to do is walk out the front door. I could be gone 10 seconds and she'll freak out. Anyway to make that work with an 11yr old?
 
#75
Ok. First off, as others have pointed out, the situation needs to be very clearly defined by you and the mom. They are HER kids not YOURs. This might grow to be a successful family and you become the dad, but that will happen with time. Establish how discipline with be handled, and establish it before you move it. As far as your relationship with them goes, don't go at it like you're going to be 'cool'. They will eat you alive. Don't be a dick, but establish very clear boundaries of what's expected behavior wise, and respect in regards to you. Kids will adjust, but they'll also push the boundaries too. It always easier to go in there being very strict and authoritarian in the beginning and loosing up as time goes by, than trying to transform from cool guy to 'ok lets lay down some ground rules now'. This cool guy first move ALWAYS fails. The kids will warm up and grow to respect you with the first approach, and eventually love you if you're around long enough. As others have pointed out, kids are awesome in their ability to adapt. If you're reliable and there for them, they will grow to love and respect you. It's the mothers that you have to look out for. I don't want to be the turd in the punchbowl, but you do realize that the odds are heavily stacked AGAINST this working out, right? You've got a mom that has kids with lots of daddies (don't forget there will be a time when you'll have to deal with that too. If you were a dude and you knew you had a kid out there, wouldn't you eventually seek the kid out? I know I would) which more than likely might make you as just another 'daddy' (whether you produce kids or not) to eat up and consume. I know you're in 'love' right now, but when it comes down to conflict, typically, this is a girl that has experience and knows how to execute the option of picking up and leaving. This could crush you. Not to mention you're own track record (getting married/divorced while really young). Don't get me wrong. I do wish you the best, and hope for nothing but happiness, but it would be a disservice if I didn't point this out to you as one bass brother to another.

Still, with that all said, I do have a close friend that did the same thing as you. The kids now call him daddy, he recently married his girl (last month after being together for 8 years), and now he's formally adopting them (dad is a tweaker gang banger in prison on a 25 year stint right now). He's happy, they're happy, and they've got a little girl of their own on their way. So it CAN work, it's just that odds are against it.

Good luck brother. Jump in feet first with your eyes open.
 
#76
MakiSupaStar said:
Ok. First off, as others have pointed out, the situation needs to be very clearly defined by you and the mom. They are HER kids not YOURs. This might grow to be a successful family and you become the dad, but that will happen with time. Establish how discipline with be handled, and establish it before you move it. As far as your relationship with them goes, don't go at it like you're going to be 'cool'. They will eat you alive. Don't be a dick, but establish very clear boundaries of what's expected behavior wise, and respect in regards to you. Kids will adjust, but they'll also push the boundaries too. It always easier to go in there being very strict and authoritarian in the beginning and loosing up as time goes by, than trying to transform from cool guy to 'ok lets lay down some ground rules now'. This cool guy first move ALWAYS fails. The kids will warm up and grow to respect you with the first approach, and eventually love you if you're around long enough. As others have pointed out, kids are awesome in their ability to adapt. If you're reliable and there for them, they will grow to love and respect you. It's the mothers that you have to look out for. I don't want to be the turd in the punchbowl, but you do realize that the odds are heavily stacked AGAINST this working out, right? You've got a mom that has kids with lots of daddies (don't forget there will be a time when you'll have to deal with that too. If you were a dude and you knew you had a kid out there, wouldn't you eventually seek the kid out? I know I would) which more than likely might make you as just another 'daddy' (whether you produce kids or not) to eat up and consume. I know you're in 'love' right now, but when it comes down to conflict, typically, this is a girl that has experience and knows how to execute the option of picking up and leaving. This could crush you. Not to mention you're own track record (getting married/divorced while really young). Don't get me wrong. I do wish you the best, and hope for nothing but happiness, but it would be a disservice if I didn't point this out to you as one bass brother to another.

Still, with that all said, I do have a close friend that did the same thing as you. The kids now call him daddy, he recently married his girl (last month after being together for 8 years), and now he's formally adopting them (dad is a tweaker gang banger in prison on a 25 year stint right now). He's happy, they're happy, and they've got a little girl of their own on their way. So it CAN work, it's just that odds are against it.

Good luck brother. Jump in feet first with your eyes open.
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The dad that's out of the picture legally waived his rights to his kids after he didn't win full custody :scowl:

I realize that the odds of this working out aren't great, but I think the benefit of the **** that I went through previously is that I learned a lot about myself and what I expect for myself and people who date me, etc.

Thanks for the advice and honesty.
 
#77
Part of the deal here is that I'm going into this eyes open, not really to be surprised by anything. Dating is hard enough with no kids, let alone a whole brood, and baby daddies, and etc. I'm definitely not going into this blind, and to that end, really appreciate the honest advice.
 
#78
blendermassacre said:
There are SO many people here like that.. it drives me nuts, as I work my ass of 50 hours a week to pay my bills. Oh well.
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really? :eyebrow:

It was a pretty big shock to see a guy built like a blimp come straight out of Jersey where he connected with literally nobody, and bounce through a few states before marrying up with kids etc. Drastic change from the person I used to know (former bandmate).guy's only 27
 

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