Honest opinions please... A rant.. Kinda...

[DrayMiles]

It's not often someone asks for criticism, gets it in spades, and takes the advice so gracefully.

Feeling that way is cool. Venting is cool. But people always remember how you treat them and how you made them feel. Sending a clear, firm message without rancor is a valuable skill, as @LBS-bass eloquently demonstrated.

Kindness has nothing to do with talent/skills/chops on any instrument. Being the best player around is no license to be a tool.

I try to be calm most of the time... but I value not having my music associated with stress or sadness. I did a gig recently and it was the best gig I’ve done in a decade...
Bad gigs whittle away that positivity for me. So, until I’m ready to risk chipping away at my built up optimism, I’ll be more selective in what gigs I take...

 

[jamro217]

The thing Is I wonder...

The problem with words is that you can't take them back. Media compounds this by saving them for posterity. It's a good practice to count to one hundred before posting. (It used to be ten, but people seem angrier in today's world, so you can't be too careful). Hope this helps.

 

[DrayMiles]

Well... Thanks TB community. There’s much to ponder...

 

[CJAZ]

I long ago gave up on trying to make people be something they are not. That being said I also don't see the fruitfulness of being emotionally negative towards the end of getting something from someone. What is it you want from the situation and is that outcome possible in the manner you are trying? Is your energy better spent approaching the person in a positive manner out of concern or just moving on? Life is just too short in my opinion to have unnecessary negative interactions particularly if there is no positive outcome. Kind of like yelling at your dog so he will understand why you are mowing the lawn... Fruitless.

 

[DrayMiles]

I long ago gave up on trying to make people be something they are not. That being said I also don't see the fruitfulness of being emotionally negative towards the end of getting something from someone. What is it you want from the situation and is that outcome possible in the manner you are trying? Is your energy better spent approaching the person in a positive manner out of concern or just moving on? Life is just too short in my opinion to have unnecessary negative interactions particularly if there is no positive outcome. Kind of like yelling at your dog so he will understand why you are mowing the lawn... Fruitless.

I thought I had learned that too... but I was wrong... at least that day/moment/instant ...

 

[LBS-bass]

Well... Thanks TB community. There’s much to ponder...

My final takeaway is that you're not in the same league with them, and you figured that out. You're used to working with people who take this a little more seriously and put in the time. Nothing wrong with that. There are lots of people out there who don't practice. The only way I ever pulled that off was when I was playing three sets five nights a week, because that WAS my practice. But not everyone is able to devote the time needed to take it to that higher level.

 

[CJAZ]

I thought I had learned that too... but I was wrong... at least that day/moment/instant ...

You are most of the way back again. Take the high road brother. The world looks nicer when you do and your karmic ledger maintains a low balance.

 

[DrayMiles]

My final takeaway is that you're not in the same league with them, and you figured that out. You're used to working with people who take this a little more seriously and put in the time. Nothing wrong with that. There are lots of people out there who don't practice. The only way I ever pulled that off was when I was playing three sets five nights a week, because that WAS my practice. But not everyone is able to devote the time needed to take it to that higher level.

It’s funny, Mr Reid said I “almost” had it together... I don’t usually have my head up my —- like that, but it was soo bad I snapped... But, I should have zipped my tongue...

 

[DrayMiles]

You are most of the way back again. Take the high road brother. The world looks nicer when you do and your karmic ledger maintains a low balance.

I wonder ... I thought I had learned to be more humble. I’m aware of the old adage that the lord giveth and...

 

[LBS-bass]

It’s funny, Mr Reid said I “almost” had it together... I don’t usually have my head up my —- like that, but it was soo bad I snapped... But, I should have zipped my tongue...

It's never too late to apologize.

 

[BadSanta1281]

Just because you want to say something doesn't mean you should really say it.
You can make a point without being abusive.

No matter what business you are in your co-workers deserve to be treated with respect.
Even when they screw it all up.

 

[QweziRider]

Yep. Harsh and arrogant.

Let me contrast with a similar event of me being in the group of less-than-prepared musicians on a gig that included a violin payer with a similar pedigree of your bio (yes, I read it). After a disastrous soundcheck, the violinist took the three of us worst offenders in the band up to his hotel room immediately after. He made his point very clear and worked our asses for the next 90 minutes on the whole set. But he did it with encouragement and a smile all while firmly making his point.

We did not suck by show time. His lesson stuck with me for the last 15 years and, to this day, we are good friends and he does sessions for my recordings. He got out of us what he (and the rest of us) needed that night and did it without animosity. That's someone I would go to hell and back for the rest of my life versus someone who would choose to berate me and throw his discography in my face.

 

[David Jayne]

I don't care WHAT your resume looks like, that's a bit much. A simple 'I'm going to have to ask you to make more of an effort' would have sufficed. Comparing the number of albums you've been on? C'mon man.

 

[David Jayne]

The problem with words is that you can't take them back. Media compounds this by saving them for posterity. It's a good practice to count to one hundred before posting. (It used to be ten, but people seem angrier in today's world, so you can't be too careful). Hope this helps.

But the good thing about words is they'll always provide you the ability to apologize.

 

[Bonafide]

Communication is clumsy enough in person, but when everyone can hear your tone and see your face and body language, you have a good chance of clear transmission. Sensitive topics through email or text are risky at best even with a graceful intent.

 

[red_rhino]

Lay it on me... But, read my bio if you’re inclined to understand where I’m coming from...

Respectfully, where you're coming from isn't relevant. All that's relevant is how your message is received. And from that point of view, you made your point but then blew right past it. As I once explained to a co-worker following an angry rant, "Passion is okay. Anger is never appropriate."

I took a break from playing and I’m trying to ease back into it... In about a year and 3 months I had my wife die and other stuff, so I wasn’t ready to deal with people.
...
Also, when the wife died, the guy said he would help me move... I didn’t hear from him for awhile, and then out of the blue, he invites me to a jam session?!?!
I didn’t talk to him for years and this was our first interaction...
I suspect I wasn’t being level headed...

Been there, done that, had those people in my life too. 15 months is not a long time, and I remember being prone to anger and overreaction. Events like that will affect your interactions with others for better and worse.

It’s funny, Mr Reid said I “almost” had it together... I don’t usually have my head up my —- like that, but it was soo bad I snapped... But, I should have zipped my tongue...

Cut yourself some slack. That you came here and asked the question shows introspection. Chalk it up to a lesson learned, and move forward. I burned down a few relationships at that point as well, but in retrospect, they had been hanging by a thread for a long time anyway.

 

[DrayMiles]

I don't care WHAT your resume looks like, that's a bit much. A simple 'I'm going to have to ask you to make more of an effort' would have sufficed. Comparing the number of albums you've been on? C'mon man.

Told you it was embarrassing...

 

[DrayMiles]

It's never too late to apologize.

We had dinner...

 

[SDC1-ClickClack]

I took a break from playing and I’m trying to ease back into it... In about a year and 3 months I had my wife die and other stuff, so I wasn’t ready to deal with people. So, I took a gig with guys I knew from years earlier, hoping they’d gotten better. They’re good guys, but I expect more musically... It’s my mistake...
Also, when the wife died, the guy said he would help me move... I didn’t hear from him for awhile, and then out of the blue, he invites me to a jam session?!?!
I didn’t talk to him for years and this was our first interaction...
I suspect I wasn’t being level headed...

Damn.... I don't think there is anything that I could add to the good, honest advice others have posted here.... except to tell you that you have my deepest sympathy on the loss of your wife. Regardless of the "other stuff" you alluded to, just the loss of a spouse or significant other — or hell, ANYONE you love — is bound to knock you backwards and leave you with diminished patience and a lot of anger and frustration. It's great that you're working on how you approach problems and other situations that confront us as we attempt to keep moving forward.

 

[DrayMiles]

Damn.... I don't think there is anything that I could add to the good, honest advice others have posted here.... except to tell you that you have my deepest sympathy on the loss of your wife. Regardless of the "other stuff" you alluded to, the loss of a spouse or significant other — or hell, ANYONE you love — is bound to knock you backwards and leave you with diminished patience and a lot of anger and frustration. It's great that you're working on how you approach problems and other situations that confront us as we attempt to keep moving forward.

Well, to be brutally transparent...
In that time frame.
Stepdaughter was “attacked” at Benedict college
Wife diagnosed with fourth stage pancreatic cancer and died
Dog hit by car
Lost job


So... I think I was harboring some anger at him not helping me move like he promised. I gave myself a few years to get over it, but the way he tried to cruise through the rehearsal brought it all back. Like I said..
I thought i had gotten over it...