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how to address bullying

I was the bully growing up. I have a couple suggestions that would have prevented me from being the jerk I was. #1, if a respected adult had stepped up to reprimand me, it wouldn't have gone on as long as it did. But it's not like school staff can be everywhere every minute of the day, which leads me to #2. If other kids had told me how stupid or mean I was, that would have stopped me.

-Mike
 
I was bullied through all of grade school and middle school. In high school, I started lifting weights and playing music. The combination of those two things gave me some much needed self confidence, and about 70% of the bullying subsided right there. In college, I started taking martial arts classes 3 nights a week. This went on for almost 5 years, well into grad school. Somewhere in there, something happened: people either stopped bullying me entirely, or I failed to notice or care. There were no epic fights, no swaggering stories worthy of recounting on the internet, no bully beatdowns, etc. It just stopped.

Personally, I think I just ceased to be afraid. I knew then (and know now) that 6'2" and 180 lbs still equals a tall, skinny guy who could easily find himself outmatched in a fight by a heavier, stouter opponent. But I think fear and vulnerability is something that bullies have a sense of, kind of the way dogs do. And like any other skill set/attribute in the world, the only way to change that is little by little, by daily practice over a period of years, in such small increments that you don't even notice the changes happening.

Flash forward 20 years from those college days, and I found myself married to a woman who has been diagnosed with MS (and whose self esteem took an understandably huge hit with the diagnosis), and a 7 year old son. Immediately upon entering school, my son starts getting bullied. I talked to my wife, and we decided to all enroll in jiu jitsu classes together (actually, the kids' classes are separate, but it's still a family fight night 2 nights a week). My son and I started taking extra Kempo classes during our "off hours" on the same nights shortly after that. Most of the classes are taught by police officers (they own the academy).

While my son still gets bullied occasionally, it doesn't bother him as much these days. He has only needed to use any of the MA stuff once, but just the fact that he knows it's there puts him in a better frame of mind about it, and he worries a lot less. I hope we can all keep at it until he gets to or (better yet) through high school. If he does, I bet the bullies will look for easier targets even if they don't know anything about his training or skill set. It will be in his eyes and in his walk at that point. I have noticed incremental but similar changes in my wife, even though given her physical limitations and issues she's not likely to be able to put up too much of a fight against a larger opponent. Still, attitude matters!

On the other side, though, the officers who teach the classes often use hypothetical run ins with bullies in the kids' training. i was surprised to find that the head instructor - who is a SWAT team trainer here locally and one seriously bad mammajamma to boot - advises the kids to defend themselves only when they have to, and to report bullying to the proper authorities first and foremost when these things happen related to their schools. I think that's great, and just as it should be.
 
My son was bullied from about 10 years old to 14. The rest of the family, in the home and other family members around town, made sure he knew he was loved and respected regardless of what he was told at school.

-Mike
 
Why is it that the musicians are always bullied at school? I thought it was cool to be a musician, learning tunes and playing for friend's parties and such. I can't think of any jocks from my high school that went on to be jocks for life....but many musicians sure did.
 
One aspect of bullying that isn't being addressed enough is how to handle being the victim of a bully. We can't focus only on the bully because he/she is a metaphor for adversity, and adversity will always present itself in the life of the victim. So it's an opportunity to teach the victim how to handle adversity in a healthy way.

Young inexperienced people can become very confused when they are unfairly targeted, and even if the physical toll is relatively minor, the psychological toll can be devastating. Young people who face adversity need to know the first step is not to consider it a sign something is wrong with them (the victim). And they need to know that adversity is part of life, but it doesn't need to cause esteem issues because we ALL face adversity.

The bully who disregards concepts like boundaries, personal space, and abuse (physical and verbal), needs to be dealt with swiftly and fairly with negative consequences. But by the time an authority figure intervenes, the psychological damage is in full swing.
 
I was always a little guy (still am), and not being popular made me a target. I still think that the best thing that ever happened was someone started a rumor that I was going to shoot up the school at the end of my sophomore year in HS. Not much happened after that :) .

Honestly, I personally feel it comes down to administrators. If they are spineless, nothing will get done. I know :/ . If they can take the heat, however, tell dumb parents why their kids out of school for the next week, and defend that position (which is hard in today's society) then they can effect some good IMO.

But I also feel it's the parents' responsibility to raise their children in a manner that promotes standing up for yourself and others, while not creating a bully. Being a bully is all about power, it makes you feel good to put others down. And humans will always want more power :/ .

Peace,
Greg
 
Is this your answer on how to deal with it?

I think it's just a reality that everyone has to consider.

I'm all for doing all we can to stamp out bullying... but we have to understand that bullying IS part of human nature, and we will NEVER eradicate it.

As long as our efforts are constrained by realization of those realities, it's a productive effort. When folks start thinking they're going to change that - we're tilting at windmills.
 
MonetBass said:
I wish I could provide some good suggestions, but honestly I don't know. The problem is (to me) that teachers and administrators are reluctant to step in, for whatever reason.

I was never bullied at school, but my older brother bullied me quite a bit. I eventually learned to not be afraid and fight back. When I changed elementary schools going into the 3rd grade, a bully tried to pick on me and it escalated to a playground fight. I bloodied his nose and that was the end of that.

We have a 9-year-old son, and he's had some issues with some kids at school. The one idea I've put in his head is that bullies can't win if you don't show fear. Fight back and they'll leave you alone. Do most school systems allow for this? Do the kids who are being bullied have the support system to help them fight back? I'd say the answer is no. It's especially worse when the parents either aren't aware or simply don't care. Again, I don't have any answers or suggestions to help. But there it is.

ALWAYS worked for me..

The asskick potential is there wether you can act bigger and tougher than you are or not. For me I just didn't back down.. I think it's gotten me out of every fight I ever almost had. But it has to be instantly. If you sit there and take it even 1 or 2 remarks the bullies head is already swollen past the point that you are indeed weaker. If you try to man up after this fact it usually results in a fight.

Another one that worked and kinda correlated is the crazy white boy act. Do the unexpected! Worked every time for me.
 
Tituscrow said:
Absolutely not. It's a statement about the human condition. Individually, we can try and deal with it on a personal level. Collectively, as a species, its here to stay.

Concessionary and pessimistic? Possibly. Realistic? Definitely.

OK, good. I was about to move you a couple notches down on the MJ5150 respect ladder. You can stay up at the top like you've been. :)

-Mike
 
When I was about 8-10ish, one of my friends and I were bullied by a few older students. That one was resolved with the stepping in of an authority figure. I also bumped into one of the bullies a few years back, he sheepishly came up to me in a shop and asked if it was me, he then apologised, he'd come from a broken and abusive home.

I've had similar experiences of seeing people long after graduation who used to give me grief - or at the very least, thought they were better than me - in school. Truthfully, most of them really don't seem happy with life and many of them, for some reason, were sort of seeking some sort of validation from me when I saw them again years after...as if they somehow looked up towards me as someone who went on and did things that they only wished they could try. It was a really wierd vibe to be in that situation. :hmm: But then again, you know what they say about revenge and a life well-lived 'n all that.

Unfortunately, bullies really never go away in life. Their M.O. just changes. Instead of dealing with the kid who pushes you down at recess, it's the guy who decided to become a cop so he could abuse his position of authority or someone gets in a supervisory role and likes to push subordinates around. As I've said on here before, I work in a career development position. Just today, I did a mock interview with a woman who has worked in food service while going to college. I asked her about a time she dealt with a difficult customer; she told me this story about a guy who came into the establishment, and accidently recieved the wrong meal. Instead of just saying, "I think you made a mistake. You gave me the wrong meal," he screamed at the counter that all the workers were stupid and that's why they work in fast food, and then threw the meal at the woman I was interviewing when she gave him the right meal and didn't charge him extra for an extra piece to make up for the mistake. I literally found myself getting pissed off at the story that someone would treat other people like that over something as insignificant as getting a fast food order wrong. I believe that people who bully people who work at restaurants, stores, and customer service desks have a very special level of hell awaiting them when they die.
 
MJ5150 said:
OK, good. I was about to move you a couple notches down on the MJ5150 respect ladder. You can stay up at the top like you've been. :)

-Mike

Haha, cheers brother :)

On a serious note, having worked in a school with 11-18 year olds for 20 years, the last 10 of those as a pastoral leader as well as a physics teacher, I've pretty much seen it all, from low-level, one-off namecalling to full on systematic and targeted abuse. Sometimes resolved with minor intervention, often left to run its course as part of learning to grow up, occasionally resulting in a kid leaving the school, and on one occasion that will haunt me until I die, the overdose and suicide of a 13-year old girl.

Despite all the awareness strategies and intervention put in place at local level and at government level, I have found myself having the same sorts of conversations with the same sorts of kids from the same sorts of families about the same sorts of issues, year in, year out.

I once thought I could save the world. Now I know the best I can do is administer an emotional bandage and some TLC here and there, hoping that lessons are learned and no real, long-lasting damage is done, though I have accepted that this is sometimes not the case.

Depresses the hell out of me, especially as my daughter has yet to find her own way through her teens.

To come full circle, Mike, I hope that gives you a bit more of an insight into my initial post.
 
Forgot about this but just remembered; When my oldest son made the move from middle school to high school he was selected to attend the arts magnet high school. That was a great opportunity for him but the school the district had chosen for the arts magnet high school was in the 'hood' and was one of the oldest schools in the district. Things went well for him for about a week then the BS started. One thing after another and almost all of it involving some kind of physical violence. I recall one day he came home from school and told me some guy had walked up to him in the hall and and commented on a T shirt he'd worn that day with an MC Escher print on it, " M C Escher...is he some kind of DJ?" Anyway, things went down hill rapidly. Just a few weeks into the semester my son asked me if he could take Kung Fu and we found a nearby instructor and got him started with it. Maybe a month later I learned that he'd had another near fight at school - I say Near Fight because it never got to the point of a fight. He dropped the guy quick, using what he'd learned from only a few kung fu classes. My son told me that with just the basics that he'd acquired he already had the advantage over anyone who didn't have the same set of skills. Apparently word spread fast because that was the last time he had to defend himself at school.