I am the A-hole, but how bad?

[Stumbo]

So you watch him pick up your bass, watch the drummer help him get sound and say NOTHING, but then go off on him later? Sorry, but the time to have said something was BEFORE he started playing it, not after. He's a jerk for not asking you if he could play your bass, but it is your fault for not stopping him and then going nuclear on him. Even worse, doing it on stage.

^^^This. Why didn't you just get on stage and ask for your bass back?

Also, he "thanked you" for using your bass. He knew you could have asked him to stop at any time. And then, after all that, you blow up after thinking "presumed permission"?

Still, as a group, there should be a rule law to not touch any instruments that aren't your own during a gig. Why did the LS decide to play your bass right then? Was there alcohol involved?

Why suffer and not speak up? Passive-aggressive much? How's it working for you in your non-band life. Seems like you would suffer a lot of insults and then blow up over something minor and not related to the original insults. It's call displaced anger. Some serious anger issues exist and I suggest doing what Joe Nerve says, emphasizing the talk therapy.

Would you do that at your day job? Why not?

It took me a long time to learn how to be friendly and say "no thank you" at the same time. I suggest starting with your close relationships and co-workers. Otherwise you'll keep suffering for the next 50-60 years. It won't be pretty.

 

[rocu]

I Am The A-Hole is a good name for a band.

 

[The Nameless]

Sounds like two people learned some very important lessons here. You learned that it really bothers you when others take liberties with your gear (and I'm sure you'll never let it go that far again ). And the singer knows never to do that again without asking or suffer the consequences.


Absolutely. What he should have done was quickly apologize and promise never to do it again.


But it's really nice wood. It's not a 2x4 I picked up at a lumber yard.


Some of us do. But even when it was my first POS beat up no-name bass, I didn't want others playing it. Doesn't matter how much it costs if it's all I have; if you break it, it's still broken and I can't play it.

Again. From my 5000 dollar Smith and Warwick basses, to my ten year old, 2500 date American Deluxe Jazz and G&L 5 fretless, and every bass I've ever owned, plus all my amplification, are free to use for anyone. At all the jams I attend and host, and including my Autistic nephew and my ex girl's autistic son, who beat em up, but my basses survived. Are still awesome instruments and play better than the day I bought em. Hell, I beat my basses up playin em. I think it's silly to be possessive over an instrument, tho I understand the feelings. Still, the OP wasn't talkin complete strangers touchin his bass. He was talkin his band members. And my statement still stands. If you don't trust the band yer playin with? Why play with em?

And, my original answer I identified as Smart Alec. I get others' reservations. I just don't have em. And nuttin has happened to em. In 35 years of pro gigs. The only things that HAVE happened? Were me. I'm far more dangerous to my basses than anyone else...

 

[MDBass]

So, we're at a gig (private bbq party), we're on break, I'm off to the side chatting with Mrs. Iggy and I look over to see our lead singer hanging out by my bass.

Uh oh, oh no, please don't...

Yep, he did it, sets his plate of BBQ on my amp, picks up my bass and started trying to figure out how to make it go boom. [He's allegedly a bass player elsewhere, so why he couldn't figure it out makes me a little curious, TBH]. The drummer betrays me (sorry rhythm-brothers) and helps him make it work and he's off to the races accompanying a guest guitarist who was playing during the break.

To be clear: He didn't ask, I didn't offer, he just jumped on it...

So I'm still sitting to the side with Mrs. Iggy, and we're saying "ok, this is a bit rude, but I can bit my tongue, sleep on it, talk to the BL in a few days and ask him to set some ground rules going forward." Got it? Yeah, I'm good, we can do this.

So I go collect my bass and start settling in for the next set. The lead singer turns back towards me, opens his mouth, and my brain explodes with "no, don't say it, don't use that word, we're almost in the clear, don't do it!"

Nope.

"Thanks for letting me use your bass" he says.

shag.

That's it, tongue is lose and 'Iggy the A-hole' is in the house. "I didn't let you do anything you rude MF-er, you just took.... " etc etc etc (way too many etcs)

I tried to remember that we were at a gig, that professionalism is important, and band fights on stage are always gonna be a poopie-show. Failed, all of it.

I went straight to a-hole mode, the only thing I did right was to keep my voice from getting loud enough for the guests to hear.

I'm not good at standing up for myself, so I don't do it often, which means I don't getting any practice at standing up for myself, which means I'll always be bad at standing up for myself... yada, yada, yada

So... LS quits the band, BL is mad, other band members all think I'm a huge a-hole, I feel like crap.

Scale of 1(kinda dumb)-10(really horrible) how bad am I?

For reference:
-I've only been doing this for 18 months, lots of pressure, very little experience (not an excuse, just a statement of my naivete.
-BL does agree that LS had no business touching my stuff.

You handled it about as poorly as you possibly could have, short of physically assaulting him, so I'd call it a 9/10 on your scale

As you said, you aren't very good at standing up for yourself and need practice: your response is essentially the dictionary definition of "passive-aggressive".

You said nothing at all while the thing that upset you was going on and just watched it all happen, and then when he thanked you (which may very well have been his way of apologizing for doing it without asking) you exploded on him in an expletive filled rant in full view of the public.

If it was me, I was have simply hollered to the drummer "Hey Billy! (head shake)" while it was going down initially and then just had a quick private conversation with the singer after the show: that would have been the end of it.

I have a feeling you'll learn from this and do much better next time

 

[40Hz]

This is very old school of me, but I view them as tools, and while I am careful with them, I don't treat them as though they need to be stored in a climate-controlled case while not in use. I don't want to have to worry about something I feel that way about when I'm using or hauling gear around. One reason I tend to buy things used.

^This. A thousand times this.

 

[Vinny_G]

Again. From my 5000 dollar Smith and Warwick basses, to my ten year old, 2500 date American Deluxe Jazz and G&L 5 fretless, and every bass I've ever owned, plus all my amplification, are free to use for anyone. At all the jams I attend and host, and including my Autistic nephew and my ex girl's autistic son, who beat em up, but my basses survived. Are still awesome instruments and play better than the day I bought em. Hell, I beat my basses up playin em. I think it's silly to be possessive over an instrument, tho I understand the feelings. Still, the OP wasn't talkin complete strangers touchin his bass. He was talkin his band members. And my statement still stands. If you don't trust the band yer playin with? Why play with em?

And, my original answer I identified as Smart Alec. I get others' reservations. I just don't have em. And nuttin has happened to em. In 35 years of pro gigs. The only things that HAVE happened? Were me. I'm far more dangerous to my basses than anyone else...

I guess you're not one of those who name their basses

 

[Ooba Tooba]

Member Bruiser Stone has an "A-Hole" sign Lol

 

[robd]

I would have said something at "he put his plate of BBQ on my amp"

 

[Gravedigger Dav]

Agree.

But some singers breathe the air of a different world because they're used to using shared equipment (like the band's PA) so they sometimes mistakenly assume all other gear is also part of the collective and don't understand the protocols we instrument players have about things like that. I'm not trying to make excuses for them. Just trying to provide some perspective on how "cultural misunderstandings" can occur.

I fully understand and agree, so I'm okay with explaining the rules to them once; thereafter, if they want to continue breathing any air, they will comply.

 

[The Nameless]

By the way? My feelings were formed long ago When I was 14 an 15 sneakin into clubs fer jams, and to see my buddies play. Older guys then let me use their basses and gear. Cuz I didn't have my own. Those men that helped me along left an impression. Music is something to be shared. Instruments, too. I loved them fer lettin me play their personal gear. And to this day I pay those feelings forward.

 

[LBS-bass]

By the way? My feelings were formed long ago When I was 14 an 15 sneakin into clubs fer jams, and to see my buddies play. Older guys then let me use their basses and gear. Cuz I didn't have my own. Those men that helped me along left an impression. Music is something to be shared. Instruments, too. I loved them fer lettin me play their personal gear. And to this day I pay those feelings forward.

I so agree. IMO, too much collector's mentality has filtered into the music community, and it's not doing anyone any favors. When I was selling gear, there was a subset of people whose first question to me was about resale value. And those are the people I steered toward the lesser of the name brand stuff, because what it told me about them was that they weren't serious players who cared about quality, and they were hoping to get lucky with something they could own for a few years at little cost. By steering them toward the bigger names, I could fulfill their hopes that whatever they bought would at least retain some value, but I also made sure the real player stuff was available for the people who were really going to put these tools to use.

I mean, who buys something with the primary goal of not owning or using it? I didn't want to ever see the best equipment we had languishing, unused, in someone's basement.

 

[honeyiscool]

TBH, OP completely reacted and I would expect an unconditional apology if one of my bandmates lashed out at anyone at any of our gigs, never mind at a fellow musician. You're going to have worse things happen at a show than have someone play your bass and return it to you. If THAT triggers you, then I can't trust you to behave.

 

[lat]

You might have severe assumption issues, but I don't really know you well enough to say for sure.
OP didn't take a swing at the guy.

Not to mention that the OP is owning the fact that he f'ed up.

 

[MultiScaleMale]

Like most of these scenarios, we're all picturing something entirely different in our heads.

 

[LBS-bass]

Not to mention that the OP is owning the fact that he f'ed up.

To us he is. I didn't see where he'd made an effort to apologize to the guy he got upset with and embarrassed on stage. That's how you actually own this.

 

[DrayMiles]

It's not a major issue... You could have been more diplomatic. That would have been better.

 

[40Hz]

I fully understand and agree, so I'm okay with explaining the rules to them once; thereafter, if they want to continue breathing any air, they will comply.

Works that way for me too. No executions - unless you knowingly and willfully disregarded The Code.

Passed on an offer to sit in for a song or two with a name player at the Iridium in NYC recently because I hadn't heard from the bass player in the band he was cool with the offer. After the show, when we were all backstage, I learned it had been cleared in advance. But when I explained I had only declined because I didn't know that it was ok with the bass player at that point time, everybody in the band accepted that as a perfectly good reason for me to decline. They even apologized for not making it more clear it was ok.

If you're an experienced player, you gotta observe the protocols. Even if it means you sometimes miss out on a golden opportunity - like the one I missed. (And bloody hell too!)

 

[lat]

To us he is. I didn't see where he'd made an effort to apologize to the guy he got upset with and embarrassed on stage. That's how you actually own this.

Yeah, that would be better. He can apologize for bad behaviour and still have the LS be aware of his part in the matter. Hopefully that will, or has, happen(ed)... But, at least he has taken the steps of admitting it to himself and then to us... A lot of A-hole moves don't even get resolved to the first step!

 

[MustangWally]

Way back in the mists of time a guy picked up my first ever bass by the strap. The strap let go at the front, the bass dropped and the neck broke. Ever since that day nobody touches my gear, ever, unless I explicitly let them. So yeah, I'm with you all the way except that I would have rocked over there and tore it from the LS' greasy damn hands the minute he touched it. Oh, and fire the drummer. Of course.

Edit: I would never consider touching someone else's gear, that is just rude. I don't just grab our guitarist's Strat because I feel like it, nor do I sit at the drum kit and tap away. Manners men, manners.

 

[40Hz]

To us he is. I didn't see where he'd made an effort to apologize to the guy he got upset with and embarrassed on stage. That's how you actually own this.

Yep. Best bet would be to speak to the LS shortly after (or better yet right after) the show and apologize for going off the wall that much. Just an explanation from the OP about how he was feeling stressed, was new to all this…yadda yadda could have gone a long way towards salvaging the situation, and got things back on track. If it's allowed to fester for more than a day or two it then becomes a lot harder to recover after a bad judgement call like that.