I am the A-hole, but how bad?

[LBS-bass]

I can appreciate and respect your position. However, where I come from one does not touch an others property without explicit consent ever. To do so is to risk unbridled wrath. Jams? I don't do jams any more. Too many people assume they have a "right" to use your gear and become irate when you say no. But that's another can of worms in itself.

My jams are invitation-only. There aren't people there who would disrespect the gear or get irate, for any reason. I couldn't host an open jam. Don't want people knowing where I live, for one thing, and another is that I don't want the quality of the music to suffer. These jams are for me and my friends to have fun. They aren't your typical I-IV-V affairs.

 

[west*coast*bass]

You don't touch what you don't own without permission. Period.

 

[Humbled]

...sets his plate of BBQ on my amp,

...and say NOTHING, but then go off on him later?.

I would have stood up and gone straight for the plate of BBQ and removed it. Yes, while they're playing. The bass-borrow I'd have addressed after the show.

 

[40Hz]

He should know you never touch another's gear without first asking.

Agree.

But some singers breathe the air of a different world because they're used to using shared equipment (like the band's PA) so they sometimes mistakenly assume all other gear is also part of the collective and don't understand the protocols we instrument players have about things like that. I'm not trying to make excuses for them. Just trying to provide some perspective on how "cultural misunderstandings" can occur.

 

[smogg]

My jams are invitation-only. There aren't people there who would disrespect the gear or get irate, for any reason. I couldn't host an open jam. Don't want people knowing where I live, for one thing, and another is that I don't want the quality of the music to suffer. These jams are for me and my friends to have fun. They aren't your typical 1-IV-V affairs.

Sounds very cool. I just keep it simple and have a basic "NO" policy towards everyone. That way I can never be accused of showing favoritism. I'm what you might call an equal opportunity offender.

 

[Mannyinnewyork]

I think it is bad form to touch anyone's gear without asking first. As far as your reaction goes , I can understand it but I probably would have simply said " please don't ever do that again" and let it go. Then again, on any given day and depending on what kind of a day I had, I might respond a bit more aggressively.

All that happened after the episode strikes me as a bit bizarre.

 

[LBS-bass]

Sounds very cool. I just keep it simple and have a basic "NO" policy towards everyone. That way I can never be accused of showing favoritism. I'm what you might call an equal opportunity offender.

Nothing wrong with that! As I said, I expect people to ask. Where I differ from the OP is only in how I hope I would respond to it. The drummer who helps me out at a jam by playing my bass is doing me a favor at that point, by keeping the jam going while I check on stuff.

Would he think that, since it's ok there, it would be ok on a performance stage? I'm thinking not. I think none of the people I perform with would think it's ok to pick up someone's axe and start noodling randomly at a performance between sets.

 

[interp]

The only thing I would have done differently would be to get on him like a chicken on a June bug the instant I saw him even looking like he was going to touch my bass. He was in the wrong. Period. You are well rid of him.

 

[kentiki]

You won. Are you happy now?
Important lesson. Learn when to pick a fight and the appropriate level of response.
Being right at all costs is rarely worth it.
Ask me how I know

 

[Susqmike]

So, we're at a gig (private bbq party), we're on break, I'm off to the side chatting with Mrs. Iggy and I look over to see our lead singer hanging out by my bass.

Uh oh, oh no, please don't...

Yep, he did it, sets his plate of BBQ on my amp, picks up my bass and started trying to figure out how to make it go boom. [He's allegedly a bass player elsewhere, so why he couldn't figure it out makes me a little curious, TBH]. The drummer betrays me (sorry rhythm-brothers) and helps him make it work and he's off to the races accompanying a guest guitarist who was playing during the break.

To be clear: He didn't ask, I didn't offer, he just jumped on it...

So I'm still sitting to the side with Mrs. Iggy, and we're saying "ok, this is a bit rude, but I can bit my tongue, sleep on it, talk to the BL in a few days and ask him to set some ground rules going forward." Got it? Yeah, I'm good, we can do this.

So I go collect my bass and start settling in for the next set. The lead singer turns back towards me, opens his mouth, and my brain explodes with "no, don't say it, don't use that word, we're almost in the clear, don't do it!"

Nope.

"Thanks for letting me use your bass" he says.

shag.

That's it, tongue is lose and 'Iggy the A-hole' is in the house. "I didn't let you do anything you rude MF-er, you just took.... " etc etc etc (way too many etcs)

I tried to remember that we were at a gig, that professionalism is important, and band fights on stage are always gonna be a poopie-show. Failed, all of it.

I went straight to a-hole mode, the only thing I did right was to keep my voice from getting loud enough for the guests to hear.

I'm not good at standing up for myself, so I don't do it often, which means I don't getting any practice at standing up for myself, which means I'll always be bad at standing up for myself... yada, yada, yada

So... LS quits the band, BL is mad, other band members all think I'm a huge a-hole, I feel like crap.

Scale of 1(kinda dumb)-10(really horrible) how bad am I?

For reference:
-I've only been doing this for 18 months, lots of pressure, very little experience (not an excuse, just a statement of my naivete.
-BL does agree that LS had no business touching my stuff.

Someone touches my bass without asking i would tear their arm off and beat them with it! I would be confident my bass is more valuable than their car!!
Would that be acceptable?; just grab someone's key and take their car for a ride without asking?..Then say, "Thanks for letting me...". NO WAY. I'm with you.

 

[Susqmike]

There are good reasons to get angry and argue in our world. Somebody playing my bass isn't one.
If your kids did this you'd tell them not to.

No Way. My kid wouldnt be slobbering barbque all over my bass..Probably with a button-down shirt and gigantic belt buckle. NO WAY. Unacceptable.

 

[Susqmike]

And when your bass crashes to the floor it's all in good fun eh?

Right! Then you get the big, "Sorry, dude."

 

[wango55]

I would have stood up and gone straight for the plate of BBQ and removed it. Yes, while they're playing. The bass-borrow I'd have addressed after the show.

Depending on the BBQ, I would have gone straight for the plate and eaten it. Kind of an "eye for an eye" situation.

In all seriousness, I'm pretty lucky that I've only been in bands with folks who knew to ask before picking up my bass, and likewise I do the same if I'm going to use someone else's instrument. I feel like that's just common courtesy. It's a rare instance where you get someone who doesn't abide by this unspoken rule. And while OP did the right thing in sticking up for himself, I think we all agree it was a little bit of an overreaction. I'd like to think that if I was in that situation, I'd be more polite about letting them know that they should ask first. I have had band members put beer on my amp, but I've been pretty cool about asking them to move it, so it doesn't spill and it's never been a tense issue. It also helps that I don't really have a "case queen" that I'd be nervous about bringing to a gig. I do keep a watchful eye so they don't go missing, but if they get dinged up it's NBD. It adds to the natural relic'ing.

 

[DanBass]

Wow, so many are being too nice. At worst, the LS should have asked... it is called common courtesy. I wouldn't dream of just grabbing someone else's bass (or guitar, or sitting behind the kit, or tapping away at the keyboards) without at least having the common decency to ASK FIRST.

Maybe the bassist has the early signs of leprosy.... Joke's on me. (hand falls off)

Look, it's like anything else -

If I was at a NASCAR event, I wouldn't walk into the pit and jump behind the wheel of Chase Elliott's car and take it for a spin while he was away having a sammich and chatting with some fans. I would ASK first..

It's not about trust, or the value of the instrument. I've been in my band for the last two years and when I get something new, and the guitarist wants to try it, I still get the "is it ok to try?" look before he actually does. It's the right thing to do, the respectful thing to do, because..

IF IT AIN'T YOUR poopie, ASK FIRST. DIDN'T MOMMA RAISE YOU RIGHT?!

Word.

It edited to "poopie"..

 

[funkmaster p]

True, the guy should have asked to use your bass. Yes, it was bad judgement to play someone's instrument with greasy fingers.

But......

How likely is this scenario going to be repeated? Once a week, once a year or never? Do you often have someone sitting in on guitar during breaks?

 

[LBS-bass]

It also helps that I don't really have a "case queen" that I'd be nervous about bringing to a gig. I do keep a watchful eye so they don't go missing, but if they get dinged up it's NBD. It adds to the natural relic'ing.

Yep, this too. My #1 would not be cheap to replace, but it's not going anywhere unless someone steals it. It's going with me to my grave. So I expect to use it, I expect it to get a ding here and a scratch there, and I am not someone who pampers my gear so much that I am crippled with anxiety over the thought of someone putting a mark on it, though I prefer to be the one who does it.

This is very old school of me, but I view them as tools, and while I am careful with them, I don't treat them as though they need to be stored in a climate-controlled case while not in use. I don't want to have to worry about something I feel that way about when I'm using or hauling gear around. One reason I tend to buy things used.

 

[Wesley R]

I would have done the "Next time ask" thing. and let it ride. I would have waited until after the gig.

Maybe you should consider apologizing for being harsh on stage, and restate that people need to ask before playing your gear.

It is a growing experience.

 

[red_rhino]

Sounds like two people learned some very important lessons here. You learned that it really bothers you when others take liberties with your gear (and I'm sure you'll never let it go that far again ). And the singer knows never to do that again without asking or suffer the consequences.

If he quit over people having boundaries, then good riddance.
Some people act like they are entitled to everything.

Absolutely. What he should have done was quickly apologize and promise never to do it again.

It's wood! People get your priorities straight.

But it's really nice wood. It's not a 2x4 I picked up at a lumber yard.

And I don't carry million dollar basses to 50 dollar gigs.

Some of us do. But even when it was my first POS beat up no-name bass, I didn't want others playing it. Doesn't matter how much it costs if it's all I have; if you break it, it's still broken and I can't play it.

 

[Vinny_G]

The thing that would have bothered me the most in that situation is his greasy fingers after eating some pork chops. That said, a friend with very sweaty hands did borrow my bass once and it wasn't more pleasant.

 

[marmadaddy]

I was in a not-dissimilar situation not too long ago.

I was the house bass player at a jam with "Featured Guests" that can bring their own side musicians if they want. They have to bring their own instruments, we provide amps. They can also provide a list of songs they'd like to have any of us play on. This one guest said they wouldn't be bringing a bass player and requested me for the last two of their four songs. Ok, cool. When their turn came up I left the stage for their first two songs. As they're setting up I hear it. I look up and someone I don't know is playing my bass. My reaction is of course "um...HELL no". I went to the stage, and the Featured Guest tells me that their bass player decided to play but he didn't bring his bass so he'd use mine. I went off. Dressed the guy down in front of the crew and his band in a room full of local musicians. Insisted he put my instrument down "NOW!" etc. The singer started to argue with me, it wasn't pleasant.

I was completely right in what I said to him but I don't like the way I said it. Other people who were there have said I was totally justified and that they would have said/done more than me but I'm still not proud of how I handled it. I still have that gig, I don't think it's cost me any others, but who knows. I didn't score any "professional" points that night.

So, @Cousin Iggy, I hear ya. Being a hothead with a conscience kinda sucks. It's probably better than being a hothead without one though. And definitely better than being a doormat.