I am the A-hole, but how bad?

[BooDoggie]

For me the crux of it was his use of the word 'let'. That was made it a problem.

Sorry to say but in the minds of some people your lack of action when you first saw him pick up your bass was an inferred "it's OK with me"... So in his mind you did "let" him do it... I too am very shy about standing up for my own values at times and have done very similar explosive events when it all built up to that point. The fact that he quit right after this altercation shows that he did feel bad about not having asked you if it was OK, but his ego would not allow him to express that regret.

 

[dalkowski]

He made a mistake. You made it worse.

 

[john_g]

I am extremely anal about people touching my stuff...had lots of damage to my gear from other people when I was younger, so no more. If it were me, I would have either went over and turned off the amp mid song, or pulled the guy aside and let him know not to touch my stuff.

 

[Tnavis]

It's been mentioned briefly, but another issue here is that there were people playing during the break.

 

[Wisebass]

Hi Iggy

There are easier ways to handle a douchebag singer!

But first the marks!

Scale of 1(kinda dumb)-10(really horrible) how bad am I?

11! That' s not too bad!

12 would be a fist fight, 13 fist fight + ambulance..

The maximum (15) is when the cops show up to arrest the whole band.

So... LS quits the band

At least you won! And you were right. But you have to be cooler!

I hope you learned something!



Without kidding: Nobody I play with will ever show up with a food plate on stage!

You said nothing? => First mistake! At that point you can be cool about it!

Nobody will take you for the A -... when you ask who' s job it is to clean up the mess.


Nobody touches my gear without my permission!

Your drummer did not bark? => Second mistake! Nobody will play drums without the drummers permission!

I will take care for that, when he is not on stage. And he does the same thing for me!

IMO you have to form a better team with your drummer!

Nobody will take you for an A... when you protect someone else' s stuff barking: "Hey did you ask?"

Not to stir the pot, by why is it the BL's responsibility?

1+

Bandleaders can and should take care of basic rules like "no pot in the rehearsal room",

"no noodling between sets" or "no food on stage" (the last two would have prevented the whole situation )

But they can' t be everywhere!

And even if they are there, they are neither babysitters nor cops!



Iggy: Heads up! happens! Don' t wait until it happens!!!

Situations like this won' t happen with bandmembers that know each other' s limits.

Make sure your band knows you!

my 2 cents


greetings

Wise(b)ass

 

[gmarcus]

You had me at plate of BBQ on your amp!!!!!

 

[smogg]

No biz touching your gear

... no one ever touches my equipment
.. Ever

^^^^^^^^^^^ this ^^^^^^^^^^^
And the rest of the band to pound sand!

 

[BOOG]

So, we're at a gig (private bbq party), we're on break, I'm off to the side chatting with Mrs. Iggy and I look over to see our lead singer hanging out by my bass.

Uh oh, oh no, please don't...

Yep, he did it, sets his plate of BBQ on my amp, picks up my bass and started trying to figure out how to make it go boom. [He's allegedly a bass player elsewhere, so why he couldn't figure it out makes me a little curious, TBH]. The drummer betrays me (sorry rhythm-brothers) and helps him make it work and he's off to the races accompanying a guest guitarist who was playing during the break.

To be clear: He didn't ask, I didn't offer, he just jumped on it...

So I'm still sitting to the side with Mrs. Iggy, and we're saying "ok, this is a bit rude, but I can bit my tongue, sleep on it, talk to the BL in a few days and ask him to set some ground rules going forward." Got it? Yeah, I'm good, we can do this.

So I go collect my bass and start settling in for the next set. The lead singer turns back towards me, opens his mouth, and my brain explodes with "no, don't say it, don't use that word, we're almost in the clear, don't do it!"

Nope.

"Thanks for letting me use your bass" he says.

shag.

That's it, tongue is lose and 'Iggy the A-hole' is in the house. "I didn't let you do anything you rude MF-er, you just took.... " etc etc etc (way too many etcs)

I tried to remember that we were at a gig, that professionalism is important, and band fights on stage are always gonna be a poopie-show. Failed, all of it.

I went straight to a-hole mode, the only thing I did right was to keep my voice from getting loud enough for the guests to hear.

I'm not good at standing up for myself, so I don't do it often, which means I don't getting any practice at standing up for myself, which means I'll always be bad at standing up for myself... yada, yada, yada

So... LS quits the band, BL is mad, other band members all think I'm a huge a-hole, I feel like crap.

Scale of 1(kinda dumb)-10(really horrible) how bad am I?

For reference:
-I've only been doing this for 18 months, lots of pressure, very little experience (not an excuse, just a statement of my naivete.
-BL does agree that LS had no business touching my stuff.

For me, I am REALLY hesitant to judge your action and reaction to the situation since I didn't witness any of it. From what you posted I'll say a "3". I waffled with "0-2".
I went with three because there's a chance you could've accomplished the same result with less conflict. Trust me, I may have reacted the same or even more aggressively agitated. My wire can be tripped quite easily, sometimes. As I've aged/matured my temperament has settled quite a bit and I'm more patient and tolerant of idiocy, tom-foolery and jack-assery.

I'm curious what ages are involved with you and the other band members. I'm curious what level of musicianship and maturity the band has.

From what I read, my reaction would have probably been to walk over to the vicinity of the scene of the crime and give that 'dad look' of, "are you serious? you're really not that stupid are you?", and then in a quiet monotone in his ear when they were done instructed him to NEVER-EVER-EVER do that again. Period.

I'll go back and read the thread. I just read your op and responded.

 

[Jimmy4string]

I always find that I am like a bear sometimes when i react. I may run off and hide or paw your face off, eat your face and vomit face.
It's easy to say you over reacted on some message board on the internet. But hey, I wasnt there and don't know your relationship with the LS.
I hope it all works out one way or another. My default question" was there any cute girls at the gig?!

 

[DirtDog]

"No big deal, but it would be nicer if you asked first, and could you at least do it without greasy BBQ hands? I have to play that for the rest of the night."

Drummers judgement is definitely suspect if you had an act playing on the break. LS plowing up and just having at it is seriously bush league, and if he thinks that's what you do on a paid gig, leaving is a big step forward for the band.

Yes, you over reacted, and while that does not mean you didn't have a point, blowing a gasket on stage is NEVER okay.

+3 - one for each of the three points made here!

 

[oldrocker]

Thank you all. Lots of great (and opposing) points here. I appreciate all of them.

Yes, I have (non music) things that I need to work on: asserting myself without being a jerk is a crucial social skill that I am bad at.

For me the crux of it was his use of the word 'let'. That was made it a problem. I was actually semi-ok with him playing it. I was only planning on talking to the BL afterwards and asking that is not happen again, water under the bridge, etc. That presumption of permission just seemed like a slap in the face.

Again, I thank you all.

IMO, you wouldn't have even needed to bring the BL in to this. Just a quick chat between you and the LS should have been sufficient.

Did you have other lingering issues with the LS specifically or the band in general that caused this to bubble up and erupt into the outburst?

 

[smogg]

Heh. If you didn't buy a bass that can hang? No one's fault but...

Anyone can play my bass. At any time. If yer in a band with guys you can't trust? Yer in the wrong band.

In the end, anyone who picks my bass up after me only illustrates why I was hired to play it. And not them. Let em have fun. That's the point, ain it?

Disagree 100% NO ONE has the right to touch my gear without my consent, ever! My property is not for communal consumption. How about I just take your car keys (without your consent) and dog your car around for a bit? Then if I mess it up I'll just respond that you should have bought a better car.

 

[Chrisenbacker69]

Heh. If you didn't buy a bass that can hang? No one's fault but...

Anyone can play my bass. At any time. If yer in a band with guys you can't trust? Yer in the wrong band.

In the end, anyone who picks my bass up after me only illustrates why I was hired to play it. And not them. Let em have fun. That's the point, ain it?

That's a terrific attitude advanced by someone who is very clearly comfortable in his own skin. This begs the question, "why do you play bass?"

 

[WardEarth]

Sounds like you didn't react in the best way. Setting bbq on my stuff would piss me off more than playing it. I give you a 6-7 on the a-hole scale

 

[oldrocker]

It's been mentioned briefly, but another issue here is that there were people playing during the break.

I would almost always agree but this seemed more like and informal backyard party and not a formal 'gig'.

 

[bwoodman]

Touch your bass? No way!
I have rules and for very good reasons. Once our guitar player decided to pick up my bass to play with an acoustic guitarist that was doing some songs in between our sets.

His "rock and roll" belt buckle scratched the crap out of the paint and when he'd finished he didn't put it on the stand properly so it keeled over bending one of the tuners.

The best part was it was my fretless bass and when he got off the acoustic guitar player walked up to him in a rage and said "thanks a lot for eff'ing up my set". Every note he played was out of tune, I mean every note.
His response was "what a rude &#$%"! His response to the damage on my bass was "don't worry, it's on the back, no one can see it".

Now the rule is if you touch my gear you better own it otherwise it's mitts off! I didn't scrimp and save to buy a good instrument to have it damaged by some idiot. I don't care what people think, it's mine and I'm particular about how it's handled. I don't play other peoples drums, guitars, kazoos or anything else because I have respect and I expect the same in return.

I was waiting for the end of your story about your guitar player where he paid you a few hundred bucks to cover the damage. My blood was boiling while reading. Unbelievable. I would make him pay AND I would never play in a band with him ever again.

 

[Steven Ayres]

It's easy to jump into a debate over stage rules and personal boundaries, but as I see it that misses the point on why you (OP) reacted as you did. (Dear reader, where I write "you" below, try to put yourself in that space.)

You write early on that you have a hard time standing up for yourself, meaning at least that you have a normal aversion to conflict. Faced with a social transgression, those of us who share this aversion tend to resent those who are insensitive to it, because it puts us in the position of having to initiate conflict to deal with it. So there's that.

What I relate to in the OP story is that the singer's thoughtless action implied personal disrespect. I have a relatively high sensitivity to this myself, while recognizing that most people are less sensitive. Never ascribe to malice where incompetence will do.

We focus on the social violation of someone handling the instrument when he should know the rules, but the rules aren't stated, and people tend to see rules as pertaining more to others than oneself. He believes he knows his skills in handling the instrument and his motivations in doing so are good, so no problem.

What got you steaming wasn't the violation specifically — in the end he did no damage, while advancing the work you were there to do — it was the perceived disrespect. This is an insult to identity, which goes very deep when we let it. Your emotional reaction makes sense in that context, but you were talking past that in ripping him a new one, which didn't make sense to him or the witnesses.

So yeah, an apology and explanation is warranted, clarifying your boundaries with reference to how you felt about his action. He then has the opportunity to affirm his respect without accepting excess blame for a minor rules violation, and you have a path to repairing the rift.

 

[andawun]

I give the OP credit for caring or even thinking about whether or not he was being an Ahole.

 

[petrus61]

Visualizing how some of the scenarios some people suggest play out in real life can be both as cringe inducing and humorous as what actually happened to OP.

 

[mellowgerman]

I totally understand the OP on this one. If he had called the guy out on the mic, through the PA, that would have been a different story. I wouldn't have been able to bite my tongue. The only people who are allowed to pick up my basses or play through my rig are close friends, who I know are experienced musicians and understand the value (mainly personal, but also monetary) of my equipment. On the same token, I would never expect a non-friend to lend me their gear either.