I feel like a jerk

[MultiScaleMale]

You got a replacement for him three months ago and are just now getting ready to tell him he’s out? Hope it’s not by a text.

 

[Bajo Clarkko]

I’m coming up on 22 years sobriety next week, so I think I’m qualified to say that you did everyone involved a favor. Yes, you did the right thing.

 

[ebo]

I had a drummer who was on meds for a back injury. The doctor cut him off, afraid he’d become “addicted to opioids”. His pain was still excessive so he went to the street and became addicted to opioids! And started drinking after 13 years sobriety. We all kept in touch with him and tried to help as we could, but keeping him in the band was impossible. He completely ruined a gig and would have ruined our reputation over time. As an aside. I’ve hired and fired people at work. You may really like an employee but sometimes a guy has just got to go.

 

[cxcxcx]

I’m 20 years sober, but I’ve been fired from a function/wedding band that paid real money when I was an active alcoholic and addict. I had close friends in the band, but there was no way they could continue with me. I was unreliable, late, didn’t do my homework, the whole shebang.

I went to rehab and cleaned up shortly after this happened, and it was one of the best things to happen to me.

There’s no guarantee that my life path will result if the same thing happens to someone else, but an an active substance abuser has to see that their chosen behavior is not acceptable in the eyes of most of society.

 

[dkelley]

He should just find a local open jam night and show up when he feels like he can, so he has a chance to play once in a while.

you went through too much already. you can still be his friend, IF you want to and actually consider him a friend, but it certainly isn't your responsibility.

I get how you feel, it's normal, but you are in the right. And the band is a drinking enabler for him... double reason for him not to continue with the group.

imho

 

[KenD]

IMO, based on personal experience, anything other than "Get sober or get gone" will just be enabling.

 

[Paul New]

. We don’t know if this is “self-inflicted” or not. Maybe it isn’t. No one really knows what someone else is going through.
But I’ve had to give up on someone close before also. Some people can’t be helped, some can. Do all you can, and what you have to.

 

[Dust2Dust]

I'm new here and new to the band scene in general, but from what I've seen there are alot of threads about bandmates that reached their limit with other bandmates.

The choice always seems to be pushing hard towards the goal, or settle for the current fustration, and hope it all works out.

 

[Knavery]

It's good to just cut him loose and not drag it out. You did the right thing. If you consider yourself a friend, just be on the level with him, and help when you can. You really can't ask more from a friend than that.

 

[Andsvara]

This Glass ist half empty. Which shouldn't be your band's problem. Nothing is stopping you to help him, but do it as a friend and not as a band member.

 

[Ductapeman]

There are obviously a lot of different takes on this issue. I can only speak for myself: I cannot work with a practicing alcoholic, and I have to think real hard about recovering alcoholics. I had a very good friend, superb guitarist, who became unbearable, went to rehab, had been sober for eight years-- and chose the night of our much-rehearsed opening show to fall off the wagon in a most spectacular and disagreeable fashion. Then he tried to egg me into killing him, and I was mad enough to give it a good shot, until I figured out what he was doing. After a few like this and some other monkey shines, I'm all out of sympathy, sorry.

 

[Aidenn7]

You can Just dissolve that and rename your new band.. Or you just rip the bandaid off.. But I doubt that will be able to play for a long time..

 

[JohnnyBottom]

Unfortunately if he is a 'real' alcoholic he has already lost the power to choose. Until he hits a bottom, and is ready to get help via AA or other possible programs (im not aware of) there will only be a couple of options of what will happen to him, none of them good. If he just stops drinking without a program he will be one miserable person to deal with. Band enabling his alcoholism...? not. He will be drinking one way or the other.

 

[jpmcbride]

We're firing him and I feel kinda crappy about it, but we're not gonna go through all that again. I consider him a friend and he's obviously depressed, if he does something stupid.... What do you think?

You didn't mention anything about him behaving badly, or causing any issues when he did show up. All of the issues you mentioned had to do with reliability. Cancelling practice, getting hurt, etc.

If this is the case, you could consider telling him he's welcome to rejoin the band when he's healthy. Hand fixed, and not drinking. Just tell him you're moving forward with other band members, but his spot is open when gets better. Just a thought ...

 

[Leigh Semmens]

I understand your feelings, but he is his own worst enemy. I'd probably just get together with him for a jam on a fairly regular basis just to, hopefully, encourage him to try and stay sober and get his life back on track. As far as paid work is concerned, if it were any other employer, he'd have been out the door long ago and it would take a lot of effort on his part to find work again. All the best for you, Him, and the band.

 

[jamro217]

If you were an emergency room doctor instead of in a band and your friend was showing up drunk, would you want to work with him? Would the patients want him there? No. You can still be friends, but the line is drawn where work is concerned. If he recovers and can prove he's able to continue, great. Hope this helps.

 

[ryco]

Maybe this will be "the bottom" he needs to realize if he wants to be a productive member of anything [life, marriage, band/music, career] he needs to straighten up his personal problems and sort out a life path.
As for you and your band, you don't need the extra added continouous problems that seem to plague some people. It's hard enough being in a creative working project involving other people as it is. As fun and invigorating as they are, bands and the music bizniz are kind of hard.
Some folks just never get it together - even the really really talented ones. That you care enough to post about this situation shows you truly care and have genuine concerns for his well being. But man -- sometimes you just have to move things forward. As mentioned before, be there for him as a friend. Yah - these things are tuff. Good luck!

 

[monti2889]

Well, here's an old saying, that's going to come off as harsh, but maybe not so after I explain it a bit.

"Friendship ends, when business begins"

Mr Glass, does not need to be in business (band), with you, but he does need a friend. So the right thing to do is remove him from the band and be a friend to support him getting his life back together or at least on a healthier track. By support, it could be as simple as a cup of coffee on Wednesday night to check in on each other and see how things are going.

 

[TNCreature]

Hopefully you can remain being his friend, and part of his sobriety support system should he want and try for it again. With your past, you know how it works
But band mate? No.
Let's all keep him in our thoughts and best wishes
There but for the grace of God, go I

 

[juggahnaught]

This is gonna be kinda long...

We have a guitar player that we call Mr. Glass. One of the founding members. Over the years, about 8 now, he's regularly called off practice. To the point of, if we had four in a row, it was a good month. He suffered from migraines due to an auto accident, insomnia, etc.

We dealt with it. Most of his issues were due to no fault of his own but it did grate on us because if he called off the other guitar player didn't want to come either. He was notorious for lowering his volume and riding on the better player so he would stand out too much on his own. He ended up leaving on his own so one problem solved.

Back to Mr. Glass. He became a raging alcoholic on top of his health issues and entered rehab. He was doing great for a while. Then the "I'm only having a couple beers at practice" thing started. I tried talking to him about it as I had issues many years ago, but it went nowhere.

last December, we moved to a new rehearsal spot. The day of the move he slammed his hand in the freight elevator and broke his index finger on his fretting hand. Had pins in it and everything. He recovered from that and found out he had severe carpal tunnel. To the point where he couldn't play. So he had carpal tunnel surgery. He's still not back.

Then we find out through a common friend that while he was off his wife, they were separated, served him with divorce papers and he is now a raging alcoholic again. He complained to this friend about how crappy his life was "but at least I still have my band"

We're firing him and I feel kinda crappy about it, but we're not gonna go through all that again. I consider him a friend and he's obviously depressed, if he does something stupid....

We got a replacement for the second guitarist and he's just as good, if not better than Mr. Glass. We're really making progress and haven't had an unscheduled night off since he started three months ago.

I know a lot of you wouldn't have put up with half of what we did, but it is weighing on me.

What do you think?

Some questions.

• Are you a professional entity? Do you guys gig?
• If you don't gig, do you intend to gig?
• Did the guitarist's habits affect any of your gigs?

It's a poopy situation, yeah, but if he couldn't play because of his hand, then I think that getting a new guitarist is justified - especially if you are trying to do paying gigs and/or have existing obligations.

If it's just a "for fun" band and you guys don't gig and don't intend to gig, it could go either way.

You may consider leaving the door open for him to come back when he's back on the upswing. Seem's he's got a lot of stuff going on right now - bad stuff can happen to the best of us. It seems like there's some stuff out of his control and so he's turned to an easy opiate. It'd be better only to admit him when he has passed that phase.

Also - in future, for anyone else who has to deal with this, non-alcoholic beers exist. If there's a beer fridge in the band room, it's not necessarily a sign of productivity, but you can definitely replace all of the brews with non-alcoholic beers. It's kind of a dick move, but it's effective.