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I feel like a jerk

#43
I understand you "feel like a jerk", but try to look at this objectively and answer two questions:

Has Mr. Glass had enough opportunities to remove head from rectum and stop being more of a negative the positive?

Would you accept this kind of behavior from anyone else who wasn't your friend/with whom you didn't have such a long history?

If your answer to either of those is "Yes", you should stop beating yourself up.
 
#44
I have no idea what the right course of action is. I do think there is much to meditate on here in this thread - I also have read some comments that over here in Oz would probably be expressed as, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink"; but we all want to support our friends and help them out when times are tough.

What I really want to say is you are not being a jerk. You and your band are in a really tough position and there are probably no right answers; and it is clear that you care and that you are trying to find the "best" solution which might not even exist. So whatever comes hold onto the knowledge that this is not something you can control... Maybe it's one of those things sort of covered by The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

So all the best to you all
 
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#45
grimjim said:
This is gonna be kinda long...

We have a guitar player that we call Mr. Glass. One of the founding members. Over the years, about 8 now, he's regularly called off practice. To the point of, if we had four in a row, it was a good month. He suffered from migraines due to an auto accident, insomnia, etc.

We dealt with it. Most of his issues were due to no fault of his own but it did grate on us because if he called off the other guitar player didn't want to come either. He was notorious for lowering his volume and riding on the better player so he would stand out too much on his own. He ended up leaving on his own so one problem solved.

Back to Mr. Glass. He became a raging alcoholic on top of his health issues and entered rehab. He was doing great for a while. Then the "I'm only having a couple beers at practice" thing started. I tried talking to him about it as I had issues many years ago, but it went nowhere.

last December, we moved to a new rehearsal spot. The day of the move he slammed his hand in the freight elevator and broke his index finger on his fretting hand. Had pins in it and everything. He recovered from that and found out he had severe carpal tunnel. To the point where he couldn't play. So he had carpal tunnel surgery. He's still not back.

Then we find out through a common friend that while he was off his wife, they were separated, served him with divorce papers and he is now a raging alcoholic again. He complained to this friend about how crappy his life was "but at least I still have my band"

We're firing him and I feel kinda crappy about it, but we're not gonna go through all that again. I consider him a friend and he's obviously depressed, if he does something stupid....

We got a replacement for the second guitarist and he's just as good, if not better than Mr. Glass. We're really making progress and haven't had an unscheduled night off since he started three months ago.

I know a lot of you wouldn't have put up with half of what we did, but it is weighing on me.

What do you think?
Click to expand...
You feel bad, since you care about folk. You were right to sack the alkie. Keeping him would let him keep drinking. Sacking him can let him see what the drinking does to him. I threw out a housemate for his drinking. He dried himself out.
 
#48
ShadowGroover said:
Keeping an alcoholic despite poor behavior is called enabling. That is it's own problem, and one within your realm of responsibility. Otherwise, enjoy being partnered with his crash to the bottom.
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All of this guys problems, well most of them other than carpal tunnel, come from his drinking. Wife leaving him, probably because of the drinking. "Migraines" were probably actually "too drunk to drive to practice". Having said all of that, I still feel for the guy, but he needs to get his drinking under control and a band might be on of the worst things for that.
 
#49
Oddly said:
As a song says, you gotta be cruel to be kind.
This is a lousy situation for you all, and all you can try to do is mitigate the loss of the band by your continuing support and friendship outside of it.
You don't sound like a jerk at all, rather a good guy who's trying to do his best.
Hope it all works out.
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Yeah. That was Nick Lowe, but he got it from Hamlet. "I must be cruel only to be kind.
Thus bad begins and worse remains behind." If the goal is to be a supportive friend that's one thing, but if the desired outcome is a successful, functional working band without bad feelings then it seems right to remove Mr. Glass from the equation.
 
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#51
I don't know of any day jobs that would tolerate it.
You may have done him a a favor. This could be a wakw up call for him.
Sounds like you did all you could do and things are on track with the band.

TCB!
 
#52
If he is a friend or not, I would try to keep in touch with him and see if there is anything you can help him with. (If he will let you)
Moving on is the best thing you can do.
 
#53
39-Bassist said:
If he is a friend or not, I would try to keep in touch with him and see if there is anything you can help him with. (If he will let you)
Moving on is the best thing you can do.
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I agree with what you said and I have some experience with addiction (We were a signed, recording, and touring band in the 80s), but those two things are very difficult to do.

Some people cannot make the transition from enabling to tough love, if they stay in touch. Sometimes a clean break is what's needed.

I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm saying the O.P. has to assess that situation for himself.
 
#54
In my experience, it is almost impossible to deal effectively with raging alcoholics. They will eventually chase every well-intentioned soul away, just as they drive all their family and friends away.

It sounds cold, but you are not his family, you are not his wife, and it is highly unlikely you can provide any real help.

Unless you are one of the unique individuals who can accomplish "the rehabilitation of others", any effort you expend trying to help him is almost certainly wasted. The only smart thing to do is wish him well, then cut ties and walk away.
 
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#56
"he slammed his hand in the freight elevator and broke his index finger on his fretting hand. Had pins in it and everything. He recovered from that and found out he had severe carpal tunnel. To the point where he couldn't play..."

Mr. Glass should have stepped down on his own due to his injury. Not doing so only holds the rest of the band back. And any addiction will only make things worse. If there's a jerk in this situation it's certainly not you.
 
#57
Michael Stanley 2112 said:
I agree with what you said and I have some experience with addiction (We were a signed, recording, and touring band in the 80s), but those two things are very difficult to do.

Some people cannot make the transition from enabling to tough love, if they stay in touch. Sometimes a clean break is what's needed.

I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm saying the O.P. has to assess that situation for himself.
Click to expand...


I agree with you. But just a suggestion to try. (If possible)
BTW...Love the screen name...
I am originally from the Cleveland area and used to play in bands that played with the Michael Stanley Band.
 
#58
I would let an individual like Mr. Glass go from the band. I would do it in a public place. In the time between now and when I let him go I would be sure to reacquire any and all gear that I had loaned to him, or left at his house. You can still be his friend and move on in the band without him. I know it sounds hard, but it can be done.
 

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