If you consider him a friends, I think you should support him as a friend first and foremost, and leave all the band stuff for later.
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I feel like a jerk
- Thread starter grimjim
- Start date
If you consider him a friends, I think you should support him as a friend first and foremost, and leave all the band stuff for later.
It's been covered above, but definitely kick him out, and definitely DON'T cut him out of your life. I've been in this situation and it stinks, but keeping him in the band is enabling. One of my old bands had an alcoholic guy in it. TO make matters worse, we practiced at his house. He would go through periods of being "ok" but the lows kept getting lower. We decided to move practice to a space where there really couldn't be much if any drinking (a school where our drummer taught). Then he just didn't show up half the time. We finally booted him, and I felt bad, but it was the best thing for him and for us.
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Yes it is (a disease). He's not being callous. He's being real, and doing the right thing. He didn't say this guy is an evil scourge, just that they're kicking him out of the band (they should), and he feels bad about it. Keeping him in will not do anything to help his problems.
You should not feel like a jerk. If the cat doesn’t measure up or his ambitions are out of step with the rest, he needs to go find his own tribe.
I think you need to have a serious talk with him about his drinking. If he can’t control himself and it’s a problem for you and the band, then it’s a problem and he should hopefully realize that too.
Your buddy is probably going to need a lot of help to heal. Maybe you could let him jam with the new band if he’s able to behave himself? Or treat it like a Syd Barret-type situation maybe? He’s not kicked out, but if he chooses substance abuse over the band so be it. Friendships and bands are two separate things, it’s great when they meld but sometimes they don’t/can’t.
Your buddy is probably going to need a lot of help to heal. Maybe you could let him jam with the new band if he’s able to behave himself? Or treat it like a Syd Barret-type situation maybe? He’s not kicked out, but if he chooses substance abuse over the band so be it. Friendships and bands are two separate things, it’s great when they meld but sometimes they don’t/can’t.
Finding the wisdom required to sort other people's problems into "my business" and "not my business" is a constant struggle. But if other people's problems effect my band, then those problems are being forced into "my business". I can't control other peoples problematic attitudes and behaviors, but I can control whether or not those impact my band by booting one of the two of us.
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I think your friend has a lot of things to work on for himself.
You can be a good friend to him and try to bet here for him.
But that doesn't mean you have to play in a band with him.
And honestly playing in a band together may not be helping him that much anyway.
Hopefully he sorts himself out and you can play together again in the future!
You can be a good friend to him and try to bet here for him.
But that doesn't mean you have to play in a band with him.
And honestly playing in a band together may not be helping him that much anyway.
Hopefully he sorts himself out and you can play together again in the future!
Nothing any of us might write will make you fell less conflicted but, it's not personal, it's business. Cliché but true.
- Jan 5, 2017
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You're trying to be a supportive friend. You feel bad, and that's a testament that your heart is in the right place.
And it's because it's in the right place that you need to tell him the truth: that he has become (for whatever reason--you don't have to single out the drinking) unreliable, and the band needs people who it can count on since it's not fair to everyone else as well. You all make time and make the effort to make this band work. Everyone has to do the same. You've tried to accommodate him.
I have over 33 years of sobriety. I was not in a band when I drank (I doubt I would have been able to be in one, frankly, given my frequent state), but the band would have been definitely been within its rights to politely tell me to leave if my drinking had been that much of a hindrance to the band. Every alcoholic has to hit bottom before they are ready to surrender, let go, and get help. If "at least I have the band" is an excuse to keep drinking, he shouldn't have that to hide behind (or anything else). He'll be mad, he may even think he hates you for it, but you aren't helping him by enabling him I'm thankful that I didn't have to hit a low, low bottom before I did, but I had to hit bottom since I wasn't able to quit otherwise.
If you want to continue being a friend, I applaud you, sir. You can help (but not insist or force him) by steering him in the right direction. A start would be: Have a problem with alcohol? There is a solution. | Alcoholics Anonymous (aa.org). It's a start, but it has helped millions, including me. If you live in or near Chicago you and your friend have a wealth of resources to draw on. There are ways to search for meetings close to you. If he proves amenable, even go with him to the first meeting so he's not alone.
Bless you and bless your friend and good luck.
And it's because it's in the right place that you need to tell him the truth: that he has become (for whatever reason--you don't have to single out the drinking) unreliable, and the band needs people who it can count on since it's not fair to everyone else as well. You all make time and make the effort to make this band work. Everyone has to do the same. You've tried to accommodate him.
I have over 33 years of sobriety. I was not in a band when I drank (I doubt I would have been able to be in one, frankly, given my frequent state), but the band would have been definitely been within its rights to politely tell me to leave if my drinking had been that much of a hindrance to the band. Every alcoholic has to hit bottom before they are ready to surrender, let go, and get help. If "at least I have the band" is an excuse to keep drinking, he shouldn't have that to hide behind (or anything else). He'll be mad, he may even think he hates you for it, but you aren't helping him by enabling him I'm thankful that I didn't have to hit a low, low bottom before I did, but I had to hit bottom since I wasn't able to quit otherwise.
If you want to continue being a friend, I applaud you, sir. You can help (but not insist or force him) by steering him in the right direction. A start would be: Have a problem with alcohol? There is a solution. | Alcoholics Anonymous (aa.org). It's a start, but it has helped millions, including me. If you live in or near Chicago you and your friend have a wealth of resources to draw on. There are ways to search for meetings close to you. If he proves amenable, even go with him to the first meeting so he's not alone.
Bless you and bless your friend and good luck.
Tell him that his health and wellness have to take priority right now so he’s suspended from the band until the alcohol issue is under control, which may take months or years.
Yeah, I was using the name before I'd ever heard about the band (1977 or so). Our band was even (for a brief time) The Michael Stanley Band. When they started getting airplay, I knew I would have to change it one way or another.
Now that there are few younger people who have ever heard of Michael Stanley Band, I do some work as "Michael Stanley Group" with a stylized "MSG" logo.
Strictly my own opinion here so please try not to read too much into it, and please understand it takes one to know one.
As a drunk sober more than 33 years and a veteran of interventions and white knuckle nights where you have to take a bottle to ward off DT’s until you can get them to a hospital, sometimes the best way to help a drunk is to cut them loose. Don’t judge them or condemn them, just be honestly frank about the problems they are creating for themselves and how those problems have begun to have a negative impact on those they interact with.
Don’t confuse this with intervention, it’s too early for intervention as long as they are in denial. The object is to bring them to the realization the problems they are in denial of are real, and have consequences. IME intervention does more harm than good if used too soon in your efforts to get a problem drinker to accept the reality of their situation.
If they are a friend, let them know it’s not personal on your end, that it’s simply their personal problem with drinking that has grown to include the band, and it can no longer be tolerated. If they ask for another chance, remind them they are already working on their third strike with the band and until actual progress is made, it’s best to part ways.
Dangling carrots like future promises contingent on their progress is not only a mistake, it can hinder their long term recovery chances.
If you like them, make it clear that has not changed, its choices they made forcing the band to let them go.
After that help them get help but hold your opinions and personal feelings. If you can’t take them to meetings or visit them in rehab, let them be. They will come to you when they are ready, if they reach that point. Just hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Not everyone with a drinking problem can get past it, and their success or failure is directly related to the work they are willing to put in.
In a nutshell, their problem has become your problem so you must give it back and hope they have what it takes to get past it intact. Not everyone does.
You took the best decision. He must be ready to quit by himself... Me, sober since September 2019. I was a nuisance for my entourage.
***... and... smoke free since two weeks! Harder than alcohol... for me!
***... and... smoke free since two weeks! Harder than alcohol... for me!
I personally do not think you are in the wrong. I get how you feel, I had to let go a lot of friends who spent their whole days smoking pot, drinking or doing hardcore drugs later on, I had to focus on college and school work and their mentality got to me. A lot of them only in a couple years are down awful and sad roads. I think however you should be supportive and let him go kindly and let him know when he fixies his act he can come back with the new guy. I also think band practice may be a trigger for him at times with drinking, I doubt you guys drink but he may feel like he has to or has done it in the past with other musical events, I always want to drink soda when practicing with friends or just playing (I know it's no where near alcohol but I tried to avoid sugary drinks like the plague.) I think you should let him go but support him till the end and if he fixes his act and comes back support him and make him follow the right decisions and if he doesn't... I guess you gotta really let him go then... Anyway I would feel the same but I 100% would do the same thing, I think def support him best you can as friends. GL
In my band, we don’t drink at rehearsals or gigs. We like to think it prevents problems.
Congratulations, @Patrice B !! I never get tired of reading posts like that.
One of the best takeaways from that, is that your life will become a little less complicated as time goes on. (I always got scared/nervous when I had to retrace my actions after I’d been in a blackout. Thank god I didn’t have a smartphone back then. Lol)
One of the best takeaways from that, is that your life will become a little less complicated as time goes on. (I always got scared/nervous when I had to retrace my actions after I’d been in a blackout. Thank god I didn’t have a smartphone back then. Lol)
Yeah, I know about blackouts… and feared about what I’ve could had done, or said… Thanks BTW and kudos to you too!
