pacojas said:OMG!!! very, very sloppy...
why would you rub that in her face??? you make a bad call and move on! no one has to know!!!!!!that is a form of spousal abuse, IMO.
Yup they only thing you are doing is clearing your mind. Sleep well.
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I really screwed myself this time.
- Thread starter MadMan118
- Start date
Yup they only thing you are doing is clearing your mind. Sleep well.
This is coming from someone who was cheated on for an entire 10 year relationship/marriage and found out only at the very end, so take it with a grain of salt...
Honestly man, you're getting what you deserve. I don't feel sorry for you at all. Cheating on someone is about the most horrible thing you can do. it's incredibly emotionally devastating to a partner and the issues that come with it last a very, very long time and make it incredibly difficult to have future relationships. And i'm not buying it that things were platonic and then "got heavy". If you were committed to your gf you would have stopped things the instant they started.
Honestly man, you're getting what you deserve. I don't feel sorry for you at all. Cheating on someone is about the most horrible thing you can do. it's incredibly emotionally devastating to a partner and the issues that come with it last a very, very long time and make it incredibly difficult to have future relationships. And i'm not buying it that things were platonic and then "got heavy". If you were committed to your gf you would have stopped things the instant they started.
When you say she's "below your supervision" are you saying she's a subordinate? Because if that's the case if you worked for me our conference call would be me telling you if I was going to accept your resignation or if you were fired.
First, I would start looking for another job. At this point you're a liability, and with so many people looking for work, you're likely very replaceable. At the very least, you can expect to be demoted with a pay cut.
Second, you obviously realize that what you did was stupid, and that it was a mistake and a momentary weakness. All men understand this. The lure of the strange is strong. Something different and exciting. The fact that you work together, and the fact that you found someone else horny and compelled to keep it secret made it all very exciting I'm sure. Ultimately, it was a selfish thing to do, but being that you're not married, and that while you might have made a commitment to each other, you're not at the stage in the relationship where this needs to be a devastating blow to your life. However, while your selfish, self-centered behavior seems destructive, it's not nearly as destructive as your honesty, IMO. Actually, these two seemingly separate traits might be more closely related than you think. IMO, if you cared about your gf, you shouldn't have told her. This is something you bury as a personal secret, and it's your burden alone. Telling her about it, merely throws it in her face, and ultimately, at the end of the day, your motivations to tell her are self-serving, so you could clear your conscience. You might have thought you were doing her the honor, but I'm a firm believer ignorance is bliss in this situation. If you feel horrible about it, then tough. Deal with it. Absorb it, and if you really feel horrible about it, don't do it again. Instead, doing the 'honorable' thing has shattered her confidence in you, perhaps ending your relationship, and if it doesn't it's going to be strained and permanently changed from here out.
Third. I would have talked to the girl at work. Ended it, agree to part friends, and agreed to continue your professional relationship. Try that out first. Then, if it looks like she's going to get 'emotional' about it, then make the call about doing some damage control with your boss.
Being upstanding is hard and I must confess I admire your ability to face your consequences, but I can't help but feel you kind of shaved off your nose in spite of your face on this one. I hope that when all the dust settles, your reflection includes, not only your indiscretion, but also what is the best way to deal with how you process this stuff. Sometimes a man creates his own baggage by his mistakes. A smart man learns from it. I wish you the best brother.
Second, you obviously realize that what you did was stupid, and that it was a mistake and a momentary weakness. All men understand this. The lure of the strange is strong. Something different and exciting. The fact that you work together, and the fact that you found someone else horny and compelled to keep it secret made it all very exciting I'm sure. Ultimately, it was a selfish thing to do, but being that you're not married, and that while you might have made a commitment to each other, you're not at the stage in the relationship where this needs to be a devastating blow to your life. However, while your selfish, self-centered behavior seems destructive, it's not nearly as destructive as your honesty, IMO. Actually, these two seemingly separate traits might be more closely related than you think. IMO, if you cared about your gf, you shouldn't have told her. This is something you bury as a personal secret, and it's your burden alone. Telling her about it, merely throws it in her face, and ultimately, at the end of the day, your motivations to tell her are self-serving, so you could clear your conscience. You might have thought you were doing her the honor, but I'm a firm believer ignorance is bliss in this situation. If you feel horrible about it, then tough. Deal with it. Absorb it, and if you really feel horrible about it, don't do it again. Instead, doing the 'honorable' thing has shattered her confidence in you, perhaps ending your relationship, and if it doesn't it's going to be strained and permanently changed from here out.
Third. I would have talked to the girl at work. Ended it, agree to part friends, and agreed to continue your professional relationship. Try that out first. Then, if it looks like she's going to get 'emotional' about it, then make the call about doing some damage control with your boss.
Being upstanding is hard and I must confess I admire your ability to face your consequences, but I can't help but feel you kind of shaved off your nose in spite of your face on this one. I hope that when all the dust settles, your reflection includes, not only your indiscretion, but also what is the best way to deal with how you process this stuff. Sometimes a man creates his own baggage by his mistakes. A smart man learns from it. I wish you the best brother.
Personally, I don't think you'll end up having a job. Firstly, in an incredibly judicious country like the US, having you staffed opens them up for lawsuits. Then, even if you'd stay staffed, everybody in the office would know anyway and would either not feel comfortable working for you or have respect for you. And then, there's the chance a female employee will take advantage and say that you decided to get fresh with her too which management would believe due to this behavior being reported in the past... at which point you'd end up jobless either way.
The damage is done and nothing can undo it. I'd tell your girlfriend that she doesn't deserve you but that if she even thinks of giving you a 2nd chance, that she should scram the moment things even begin to smell fishy in the least. Some girls will say that a cheater's a cheater and he'll do it again, so your chances are slim to none that she'll take you back... just so you're aware. And personally, if I were in your shoes, I don't think I'd be able to face her friends and family whom would all know that she had been cheated on... by you!
I'll relay a quick anecdote that sort of ties in. When I was a kid, I desperately wanted to win at anything, by any means. Once, when I was 14, I was playing a game of Monopoly with a good friend of mine (at the time) and I took a couple of 500$ bills from the "bank" because I was running low. He caught me, said he was disappointed in me, and that he'd never play games like that with me again. He then asked me to leave, politely, calmly, but firmly. He was way ahead of his age in maturity and composure. He kept his word and we never played those games again.
I learned a valuable lesson then and have never cheated in so much as a game of cards since then. Obviously, emotions are part of the equation when one cheats within a relationship, but the concept is the same ; seeing an opportunity for doing something wrong that would benefit you in the short run by circumventing your ethics/morals.
If you take anything from this experience, remember to take this as a lesson learned and to apply it to your life. Takes courage to post it in the 1st place, regardless of the fact that it's (mostly) anonymous on this site. You seem to express remorse and willing to take what's coming. Don't fall into self-pity or self-loathing. You played with fire and are paying the consequences. If you're willing to work things out with your g/f, you might be looking at months or even a couple of years straight of uncertainty, underlying stress, lots of doubt (i.e. that after-work "meeting," what does it really mean?), etc.
Good luck to you either way.
The damage is done and nothing can undo it. I'd tell your girlfriend that she doesn't deserve you but that if she even thinks of giving you a 2nd chance, that she should scram the moment things even begin to smell fishy in the least. Some girls will say that a cheater's a cheater and he'll do it again, so your chances are slim to none that she'll take you back... just so you're aware. And personally, if I were in your shoes, I don't think I'd be able to face her friends and family whom would all know that she had been cheated on... by you!
I'll relay a quick anecdote that sort of ties in. When I was a kid, I desperately wanted to win at anything, by any means. Once, when I was 14, I was playing a game of Monopoly with a good friend of mine (at the time) and I took a couple of 500$ bills from the "bank" because I was running low. He caught me, said he was disappointed in me, and that he'd never play games like that with me again. He then asked me to leave, politely, calmly, but firmly. He was way ahead of his age in maturity and composure. He kept his word and we never played those games again.
I learned a valuable lesson then and have never cheated in so much as a game of cards since then. Obviously, emotions are part of the equation when one cheats within a relationship, but the concept is the same ; seeing an opportunity for doing something wrong that would benefit you in the short run by circumventing your ethics/morals.
If you take anything from this experience, remember to take this as a lesson learned and to apply it to your life. Takes courage to post it in the 1st place, regardless of the fact that it's (mostly) anonymous on this site. You seem to express remorse and willing to take what's coming. Don't fall into self-pity or self-loathing. You played with fire and are paying the consequences. If you're willing to work things out with your g/f, you might be looking at months or even a couple of years straight of uncertainty, underlying stress, lots of doubt (i.e. that after-work "meeting," what does it really mean?), etc.
Good luck to you either way.
Never tell on yourself if you cheat. it is the most selfish thing you can do. you are hurting your S/O twice because you want to not feel guilty anymore.. you should carry that guilt and live with it.
are you going to cheat again? if yes, then end it with your S/O. If no, then keep it to yourself.
as far as the work thing, I hope you learned a lesson in discretion, chiefly that there is no such thing.
are you going to cheat again? if yes, then end it with your S/O. If no, then keep it to yourself.
as far as the work thing, I hope you learned a lesson in discretion, chiefly that there is no such thing.
I can see how this happened. When you're with a girl and in a relationship but don't get to spend the time with her developing that relationship, other people can come along and fill that void. Most people spend more time with people at work than with people they live with and love. If the connection between the one you love starts to dissipate then you'll look for a connection that may be developing with someone that you see more often.
I saw this a lot at my previous job. People would work long hours in a place where they would be with the same people for that whole time. They would work, chat, laugh, talk about more intimate things, complain about their home life, and then start to develop a desire to hang out with the person outside of the confines of the job. Thank God I was never put into a situation where my relationship with my wife was compromised but I will tell you that I had PLENTY of chances. It's a hard road to ride when we're expected to spend over half our lives trying to support what and who we love by spending that time away from them. The American dream is starting to be a nightmare on the American family in some instances.
My advice, start looking for another job, devote yourself to working with your girl to work things out all while being full aware that she may never see you or love you the same way again.
I saw this a lot at my previous job. People would work long hours in a place where they would be with the same people for that whole time. They would work, chat, laugh, talk about more intimate things, complain about their home life, and then start to develop a desire to hang out with the person outside of the confines of the job. Thank God I was never put into a situation where my relationship with my wife was compromised but I will tell you that I had PLENTY of chances. It's a hard road to ride when we're expected to spend over half our lives trying to support what and who we love by spending that time away from them. The American dream is starting to be a nightmare on the American family in some instances.
My advice, start looking for another job, devote yourself to working with your girl to work things out all while being full aware that she may never see you or love you the same way again.
I would agree with the statements that a lot of others have made already: find a new job. You shouldn't **** where you sleep, but you did. And with a subordinate at that?? That's a large liability for any company and for you personally.
Re: GF - While I don't think any of us will have a full appreciation of the situation because we aren't there, it's going to be a long road for the two of you. Your best bet to patch things up is to get on her schedule and spend a hell of a lot of time where she can keep an eye on you...but even then it's not always gonna work. And nobody wants to be micro-managed by their SO. I've seen enough relationships where something like this has gone down and my personal advice is to get away...it's going to be best for both of you. Things may re-kindle later, but that's going to be a long time from now. IN the meantime, trust is broken and that's the death knell of every relationship.
On a positive note: Good job for doing the moral thing and fessing up soon. Nobody likes living with guilt, and I've seen more people damaged by guilt than gunshots, knife wounds, illness, and dementia. You gotta live clear, man, because it's been shown where guilt leads to Depression, and while depression is more or less a mental problem the physical side-effects of it can be devastating.
Peace,
Greg
Re: GF - While I don't think any of us will have a full appreciation of the situation because we aren't there, it's going to be a long road for the two of you. Your best bet to patch things up is to get on her schedule and spend a hell of a lot of time where she can keep an eye on you...but even then it's not always gonna work. And nobody wants to be micro-managed by their SO. I've seen enough relationships where something like this has gone down and my personal advice is to get away...it's going to be best for both of you. Things may re-kindle later, but that's going to be a long time from now. IN the meantime, trust is broken and that's the death knell of every relationship.
On a positive note: Good job for doing the moral thing and fessing up soon. Nobody likes living with guilt, and I've seen more people damaged by guilt than gunshots, knife wounds, illness, and dementia. You gotta live clear, man, because it's been shown where guilt leads to Depression, and while depression is more or less a mental problem the physical side-effects of it can be devastating.
Peace,
Greg
The softest pillow is a clean conscience. You did good by admitting your wrongdoing to your girlfriend.
-Mike
-Mike
http://www.talkbass.com/forum/f34/promotion-surgery-weight-loss-car-accident-life-general-918293/
Barely two weeks into management, and now you may be done. Bummer deal.
-Mike
Barely two weeks into management, and now you may be done. Bummer deal.
-Mike
I agree, Mike. I think admitting to cheating to his girlfriend was the right thing to do. I see some here call that action "selfish" but its much less so than they think, IMO. It was selfish to cheat, yes, and some see the "coming clean" as a selfish act to clear the OP's conscience, but there is more to coming clean than just clearing the conscience. He's admitting his potentially relationship ending mistake for the greater good here. He's telling his girlfriend, who I assume he still loves, that he messed up, is man enough to admit the mistake, and let her go if she feels that she should leave him. Keeping it to himself in order to maintain his relationship would be the truly selfish act here.
I disagree with this. He is only hurting her once, IMO. He did the cheating, and if he kept it to himself she might never know and they could carry on their relationship as if nothing ever happened, but something did happen. Now she knows about it, because our OP admitted so. Theres only one thing to be hurt about there. He could have kept it and she may have eventually found out (like if he gets fired from his job for this), then she'd be just the same number of times.
Some girls may say this, but Ive also known plenty of women who have stayed with their cheating significant other (usually to be cheated on again).
The only thing that would piss me off more than Mrs Handsome cheating on me would be Mrs Handsome letting me find out about it. Doing it is bad enough, forcing me to live with it only makes it worse. What I don't know won't hurt me.
This is a very astute observation, IMHO. Yes, it's the OP's fault. But it's also a natural progression for a relationship where the partners work opposing shifts. I cannot, in good conscience, keyboard condemn this guy. In previous relationships, I was cheated on. So was my wife. Those incidents were the impetus for clean severance in perpetually declining relationships. The "Last Straw" as it were.
It hurt at the time, but I wouldn't change it. Those experiences set both of us up for a happy and fulfilling relationship for the past 14 years, and I have no reason to expect the next 30 will be any different. My wife's exes set the bar pretty low. I think of it as them doing ME a huge favor.
Me and my girlfriend have agreed to work through the best we can. I have paid heavily, lost friends, professional connections.
As for work, 6 month salary cut and a transfer to another facilty. Lucky to still have my job.
As for work, 6 month salary cut and a transfer to another facilty. Lucky to still have my job.
Man, we were having such a good streak of agreeing on everything. I just can not see it as a selfless act. who wins from HIM clearing HIS conscious? the OP and the OP alone, she gains nothing from it. how that has been warped into the notion of being for the good of all parties involved I'll never know. A moot point now, being that he has already told her. I just don't see how the girlfriend gains anything positive from being told. because frankly she doesn't the only way the girlfriend should have been told is if the OP was a perpetual cheater with no stopping in sight but I outlined that previously.
