I really screwed myself this time.

[Commodore 64]

Man, we were having such a good streak of agreeing on everything. I just can not see it as a selfless act. who wins from HIM clearing HIS conscious? the OP and the OP alone, she gains nothing from it.

I'm a firm believer in an irrevocable trust concept in context with relationships. Oddly enough, I first read about this concept in a Penthouse Mag of my Dad's when I was a teen. I believe it was in a Xaviera Hollander column. I'm paraphrasing and probably misremembering but here's how I see it: A relationship starts with this trust. Once broken, it can never be regained. Even if one side is none-the-wiser when it's broken, it's still broken and the relationship will suffer. The actions/perception of the person who broke the trust will manifest itself in destructive ways, like jealousy or mistrust of the innocent party.

I believe it's better to get it out there and see if a new level of trust can be forged, with both sides knowing the score. If she wants to move on, now she can do so with a clear conscience. If not, at least her eyes are open.

I would even go so far as to state that in order for the relationship to work henceforth, OP and GF must work the same shift. It's a basic fundamental Psych 101 principle, that of adjacency (I think, it's been many years since Psych 101).

 

[electracoyote]

You have lost the trust of your girlfriend and your employer. Things may never be the same between you and those two entities.

The company will make a firm decision, you will receive whatever consequence they deem appropriate, and life will move on for you and the company.

It may not be that simple for you and the girlfriend. If she really loved or liked you, she may go through a protracted period where she tries to reconcile with you and rebuild trust, but a nagging doubt may linger, and you will find yourself perpetually trying to assuage her concerns and curry her favor. Emotionally speaking, this is about as bad as a clean break. You and she will have to have a good heart-to-heart and be totally honest with each other about the realistic chances of a full reconciliation without lingering doubt and bitterness.

 

[Ziltoid]

Me and my girlfriend have agreed to work through the best we can. I have paid heavily, lost friends, professional connections.
As for work, 6 month salary cut and a transfer to another facilty. Lucky to still have my job.

I'm glad to hear it didn't turn out too bad.

You messed up, sure, but you did the right thing afterward. Good luck.

 

[MatticusMania]

The only thing that would piss me off more than Mrs Handsome cheating on me would be Mrs Handsome letting me find out about it. Doing it is bad enough, forcing me to live with it only makes it worse. What I don't know won't hurt me.

So you'd rather not know that your woman was foling around behind your back than to know and be done with her?
I guess I dont understand that mindset. Id rather know the truth, and move on. I dont want to be with someone who feels the need to be dishonest with me.

Man, we were having such a good streak of agreeing on everything. I just can not see it as a selfless act. who wins from HIM clearing HIS conscious? the OP and the OP alone, she gains nothing from it.

Well, no two people can agree on everything, I guess. This statement I just cant agree with, though. In the smaller picture it may look like the OP alone is benefitting, but I look at the bigger picture here... now she knows the OPs true nature, and his mistakes. She has the benefit of deciding whether or not she wants to stick around and make things work, or if she'd be better off moving on.

I just don't see how the girlfriend gains anything positive from being told.

Look at it this way... if your girlfriend cheated on you would you rather she just keep it a secret, or would you want to know so that you can move on and find someone who wont cheat on you? Id rather be with someone who isnt going to cheat on me.

I caught my wife cheating on me, and I left her. And I couldnt be happier for the matter, because now Im with someone who cares about me enough not to hurt me that way. Had I not found out my exwife was cheating on me Id have continued living my life, while the person I loved continued deceiving me and treating me like a fool.

A relationship starts with this trust. Once broken, it can never be regained. Even if one side is none-the-wiser when it's broken, it's still broken and the relationship will suffer. The actions/perception of the person who broke the trust will manifest itself in destructive ways, like jealousy or mistrust of the innocent party.

Well said. I certainly saw my exes dishonesty manifest itself in destructive ways. When I found out what was going on it suddenly made a ****load of sense.

 

[MJ5150]

I'm no saint, but seriously, there is no way I could maintain a healthy relationship with my wife while hiding from her that I cheated on her with another woman. That guilt would eat me alive.

-Mike

 

[Strat-Mangler]

Me and my girlfriend have agreed to work through the best we can. I have paid heavily, lost friends, professional connections.
As for work, 6 month salary cut and a transfer to another facilty. Lucky to still have my job.

Your workplace has the right to take 1/2 year's pay from you while making you work?

 

[hdracer]

Your workplace has the right to take 1/2 year's pay from you while making you work?

He can always quit.

Or they could have fired him.

 

[Darth Handsome]

So you'd rather not know that your woman was foling around behind your back than to know and be done with her?
I guess I dont understand that mindset. Id rather know the truth, and move on. I dont want to be with someone who feels the need to be dishonest with me.

That's correct. My life with her is great, & wouldn't be worth throwing away if she slipped up. But I'd never get over that, so I'm better off not knowing if she did. If it was an ongoing thing, like it was with your wife, that's different, but a one-time thing, no way. She'd better keep that to herself & make damn sure I don't find out about it. Dwaynie right is that case, the only one who benefits is the cheater, who gets to relieve his or her guilt.

 

[bassinplace]

I also agree that telling her was the right thing to do. The OP knows what he did was wrong and is willing to deal with the consequences of his actions. If trust is broken, it won't be possible to mend but at least his girlfriend has the ability to make an informed decision and he will not have to carry the guilt. Though painful, it's the proper self-correcting move to make, imo.

 

[Gaius46]

Question to those who mentioned that OP would have been fired doing the same thing in their shops. Our policy doesn't prohibit managers and staff from getting into a relationship - how can you ever expect to outlaw that?- but the senior employee is required to disclose the relationship and one of them will be moved so there will no longer be a manager-staff working relationship.

Your workplace has the right to take 1/2 year's pay from you while making you work?

I think he said he's getting a pay cut for half a year not that he's losing a half year salary.

In any case if he violated a non-fraternization policy his career there is probably good as dead.

 

[Clark Dark]

that skeleton bone should've remained locked behind a closet door

 

[MatticusMania]

Dwaynie right is that case, the only one who benefits is the cheater, who gets to relieve his or her guilt.

While the rest is a matter left to the parties involved, I strongly disagree that the only one who benefits is the cheater.
I keep no secrets and prefer to live an honest life, and to me that means making known any indiscretions on my part.
I could not maintain a happy and honest relationship with my significant other keeping such a secret from her.
Im about the honesty, and if I caused such a conflict its her right to know and decide for herself how she'd like to proceed, rather than keeping the secret and forcing her to proceed in deceit. I see it as unscrupulous to carry on a relationship in that manner.

If it was an ongoing thing, like it was with your wife, that's different, but a one-time thing, no way. She'd better keep that to herself & make damn sure I don't find out about it.

Its not different at all. Cheating is not just "one time thing" even if it happens only once. It shows a huge lack of character on at least one persons part. My situation with my wife would be no different had it happened only once. If youre okay living with a dishonest person thats your right to do so, but its not the kind of life I'd want for myself.

 

[DwaynieAD]

nixonism: telling the truth with intent to deceive.

 

[MatticusMania]

nixonism: telling the truth with intent to deceive.

But how does that apply to the situation? Where is the intent to deceive?

 

[Darth Handsome]

While the rest is a matter left to the parties involved, I strongly disagree that the only one who benefits is the cheater.
I keep no secrets and prefer to live an honest life, and to me that means making known any indiscretions on my part.
I could not maintain a happy and honest relationship with my significant other keeping such a secret from her.
Im about the honesty, and if I caused such a conflict its her right to know and decide for herself how she'd like to proceed, rather than keeping the secret and forcing her to proceed in deceit. I see it as unscrupulous to carry on a relationship in that manner.



Its not different at all. Cheating is not just "one time thing" even if it happens only once. It shows a huge lack of character on at least one persons part. My situation with my wife would be no different had it happened only once. If youre okay living with a dishonest person thats your right to do so, but its not the kind of life I'd want for myself.

I used to say the same things you're saying. Then I went around the block a few more times. It's a big, bad world out there, and it's nothing if it isn't complicated. See how you feel after going around the block yourself a few more times. You may not be trumpeting your ideals quite so loudly.

 

[Toastfuzz]

I think everyone treats this situation a bit differently, everyone has different comfort levels.

Personally I agree with Matticus. If my SO cheated on me, I'd want to know so I could leave them. I firmly believe you only live once and I don't want my one life to be spent with someone who would do that, even if only once and "in a moment of weakness." Also, I wouldnt waste time in "trying to rebuild trust", because I've done that before and really all it is is a waste of time.

Does it suck to the cheat-ee to be told? Yes, but it gives them a choice. Choose to stay or choose to leave, this thing happened and theres no way to change it. Not telling them is denying them the choice of whether or not they want to continue to live with a cheater, which is what they're doing, whether you tell them or not. If you catch my meaning.

But, Matticus and I may be in the naive subgroup of dudes who are honestly trustworthy and only date girls who we feel share our trusting values. Me and my girlfriend get down to some pretty immoral things, but we'd never cheat on each other

 

[DwaynieAD]

But how does that apply to the situation? Where is the intent to deceive?

posts have to relevant now? oh man.... i'm outta here.

 

[Toastfuzz]

I used to say the same things you're saying. Then I went around the block a few more times. It's a big, bad world out there, and it's nothing if it isn't complicated. See how you feel after going around the block yourself a few more times. You may not be trumpeting your ideals quite so loudly.

I think poor character judgement on your end has made you believe this, not the other way around.

 

[BKuettel]

Just looking at this situation from outside the box...



What if the OP's significant other found out of this affair via one of his co-workers or by gossip from friends? Then he would look like a fool for lying and keeping it a secret. Yeah sure, he could try to escape it by saying "I was saving you from the heartache". But that does not rectify the situation. Two wrongs do not make a right, and lying is only trying to cover up the situation and is WRONG. In my opinion, covering it up would be a liiitle cowardly on the OP's part.




For the OP to admit to his SO, I say good for you. You are well on your way to redeem your character and save your skin from a guilt free life. Good luck and hopefully you learned from your mistakes.


As for the sociopaths who disagree with his decision... lay off the glue... ok?

 

[Darth Handsome]

I think poor character judgement on your end has made you believe this, not the other way around.

You're making an assumption. My pov has nothing to do with what you think does.

I'm 40 in a few months & I've been with my wife for the better part of 15 years. You think I'd want to deal with it if she came to me with news of infidelity if I had no inkling of it otherwise?