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I'm divorced.

#21
Well, that's done. I saw a side of her I kind of knew was there but it really came out. Our attorneys battled it out for us. It was like buying a car.

Yes, lighter in the wallet but fortunately we just sold the house so I have some cash in the bank. I'll move it to a separate account to pay this thing and then be done.

It's a relief but also intimidating. It's been a long time since I didn't have a lady around, but we all move on. I'm not to happy with the female persuasion tonight but I think by tomorrow I'll be ok. :)

Again, thank you all for the advice. Just reading COBRARIs post and it all makes sense. All the advice is so meaningful. If you have any other tips or stories, please pass them on.

Bunch of beers tonight. Work tomorrow. New day is in store. A hungover new day but I have to start somewhere. :thumbsup:
 
#22
I just went through the same and it sucked - 23 years and was just plain brutal (kids, went all the way to trial, etc.)

I got some good advice coming through my process. Don't isolate yourself, like many divorcing/divorced men tend to do. I found that for a variety of reasons, my circle of friends changed through the process as I think tends to be pretty common. Find a few key people and keep them an active part of your life - let others go. I found it good to seek others out who've been there/done that and I think counseling helps too.

Focus on the things you can control and learn to let go of the things you can't. Learned this from a friend who's raging alcoholism let to his divorce and it helped me emotionally more than you know. Helped me identify the key areas of my life that I wanted to build upon (or re-build) and take active steps toward that. Also helped me break the cycle of anger/sadness/loneliness I seemed to be going through. My troubled marriage took a lot of my time and energy - that wasn't readily apparent until after the divorce. I see how I didn't take care of myself then and have turned this into a time investing into me (and my kids). I am healthier now than ever in many ways and can honestly say (as tough as it is to see my kids go through this), my relationship with them has never been better either. Choose healthy activities (working out, playing music, going out with friends) over unhealthy ones (sitting in your apartment watching TV). Maintain and stick to a budget. Redefine yourself - who you want to be and how you want the rest of your life to play out. And start walking toward that.

Getting good sleep works wonders. Melatonin is ok, but I would HIGHLY recommend a product called Kavinace Ultra PM. Slept like a baby taking this stuff.

These three things plus TIME worked for me. After a few months, I would get a day of peace - where I woke up happy and stayed that way. Then back to the anger/sadness/loneliness. These days of peace started out here and there, then became more common over time. Now I'm at relative peace and those feelings only crop up occasionally.

Once I felt I was in that healthy place, I started dating a girl. 20+ years off the market is a long time - women and dating have changed. It's different for me at 43 than at 19, when I got married. I know much more now what I want (and don't want) in a relationship. I'm taking my time. It's a huge "do-over". Blows my mind at how good our relationship is. It's early, but I'm optimistic. After years of criticism, arguing and dysfunction, I can't tell you how good it feels being in a healthy, happy relationship - I'm hoping we can continue to build on that over time, not see it degrade.

Anyway - peace to you...
 
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#23
One thing to always keep in mind with regards to feelings, they always change. However you feel right now, remember that you won't always feel this way.

Sorry that this happened, I can only imagine. I hope you have a good network of friends/family to help out.
 
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#24
Interesting advice given so far... Just filed at the end of October. 7 years married and 14 together with a 10 year old girl between us.

I finally put my foot down on the mutual jokes we weren't meant for each other.

What helped me realize was playing again. Had forgotten how therapeutic playing in a band is. Of course when that isn't a drama fest. The band started before the split. The guys are old friends and had not seen much of them over the course of the relationship. Now I'm seeing other old friends and it's just like old times except were all a little bigger than we were 25 years ago.

I'm in no hurry to find a new relationship and completely at ease with what is ahead.

As mentioned focus on you. It's also nice to have my daughter on visitation days and weekends to keep me busy. Weird thing is I'm also helping house her 19 year old son that I've known since he was 3. He made it clear I'm not hid daddy years ago and I keep that side in check. What I do remind him of basic life rules to keep in mind.

Both the kids notice I'm less stressed and don't loose my temper as much any longer.
The weight will lift. Take care of you and push forward.
 
#25
Update-made it through Christmas and New Years. Both of our kids were here so that helped. They stayed at her place mainly but I'm ok with that. I get it when they came over to spend the night. They said they needed a break. Their way of telling me what I already know. :) I don't want them to lose touch with her.

It has been an emotional roller coaster as you all said. I did the one thing you all said not to-I contacted her via email. Wished her a Happy New Year and that I hoped this year will be better for her than last. She went nuts. I returned the nuts. Lesson learned.

Been trying to exercise and hang out/do things with friends. One of you stated that as our marriages went longer, close friends became less. What a truth. I took a look around last month and realized I didn't run around with a lot people. Most of my pals are married so I'm finding it hard to find people to go out with. I'm ok with that too. Found that I really do like playing bass. I said shag it all and now I have a bass and practice amp in my apartment kitchen.

Hard to understand how to meet women again. I'm not really interested in hanging around bars anymore. Don't know how to approach a lady in a grocery store. I just want to get my stuff and get the shag outta there. I'll learn. I'm learning alright already. It almost seems women know when a guy is down or something. Hard to describe. Ladies, any truth in this? If there is, feel free to contact me. LOL!

I sleep ok most nights. Sometimes I wake up way too early and can't get back to sleep but that makes the day exciting at every turn. Learning how to empty my mind. Hard to not think about days we had together like the holidays but again, have to press on and not dwell.

Ok-enough for now. Just a long winded post stating that things are getting better as you all said. Take care.
 
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#28
Been through the "D" before.
Based on what you've written and the experiences had here, advice and comments are below.

1. Learn(if you have to) to be your own best friend and ENJOY solitude, being alone, and doing what you want when you want.

2. Take care of and always value your children and try very hard not to let any bad feelings be shown at child-handoffs. If provoked, maintain calm and act respectful. Your children WILL remember all of these interactions.

3. Repeating: cut the ties with the ex. If she calls or emails "going off on you", reminding her that "we are no longer married". I'd tell mine to save it for her current or future boyfriend and to talk to me when she is less emotional about whatever was eating her.

4. Ignore any attempted "guilt trip". Example: we had 2 cars, we each kept our cars. After divorce, mine got maintained and hers did not and hers was a newer car. When her A/C went out in her car I got the "sad, lovey-dovey eyes" about how nice I would be to trade cars with her "for the children. Umm, no. Tough at the time.

5. Do not force the replacement or meeting new women thing. Find and learn about yourself(see # 1). After about 6 months to a year of singleness and being in a band, there were "suddenly" women practically throwing themselves at me(calling, showing up at my place, inviting me to their place). THE POINT: sometimes when you stop looking for something it comes to you when you least expect it.
This may be seen in your comment "It almost seems women know when a guy is down or something". A lot of women do have what is referred to as intuition whether they know it or not and do get steered by it in their reactions to events or situations.

Good luck, stay strong for your children and yourself.
 
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#29
mellowinman said:
Dude, it might be too soon to meet ladies. Enjoy your time with yourself for now.
Click to expand...
Agree 100%! Get yourself straight first. No decent woman wants a guy carrying baggage form a fresh divorce or at least one worth perusing. BTW, Divorce does not go like it does in the movies, You know still hurting bump into a hottie at a coffeshop , hook up and ride off happy into the sunset..NOT!

Focus on something like your bass playing or band, join a gym get and stay active.Time will make it all better but in some cases the scars never fade.
 
#30
crikker said:
Hard to understand how to meet women again. I'm not really interested in hanging around bars anymore. Don't know how to approach a lady in a grocery store. I just want to get my stuff and get the **** outta there. I'll learn. I'm learning alright already.
Click to expand...

Yeah, this will sort itself out on it's own and you'll get it all figured out. Maybe now, maybe later on. Women are still women, maybe a little more complicated these days due to technology. :)

-Mike
 
#31
Actually, divorce was the beginning of my life, sort of. I just worked my butt off, slept and drank. The drinking got so bad I quit, and that was the best thing that ever happened to me.
 
#33
Just went through a divorce this time last year, with kids involved. If I can offer any advice, this is it:

  • Focus on your kids.
  • NEVER bad mouth her in front of the kids. EVER...even if they start it. It just makes you look petty in their eyes, even if they agree with you. Don't let friends or family do it, either.
  • End communication with her, except for business matters or kids issues. Don't just "unfriend" her from Facebook...block her. Block her friends that may be participating in her hatred of you. Don't utter a single word to her that isn't business related. Stay even-keeled and level-headed even in the face of her crazy. Do not let her bait you.
  • Be prepared for the friends to take sides. In my case, some of the friends I lost hurt way more than losing the wife. Some people believe that they just can't stay friends with both exes, and some others will believe anything she may tell them about you.
  • Be prepared for the lies and exaggerations to start. Be prepared to hear these from your kids. Correct them when they are wrong, but do it in a practical and factual manner.
  • Assume that every word you say to her is being recorded or retained. Have all important conversations in writing.
  • You'll have a lot of advice from friends and internet warriors on when you should start dating again. Here's my advice....there is not pre-prescribed time. You'll know when you're ready. Evaluate every woman you date for her true value......and remember that willingness to play with your ding-dong isn't a value! ;)
  • Focus on your kids.
 
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#34
in the Twin Cities there's Invalid Link Removed
no, it's not a dating service, it's a whole lot of semi-organized social groups
I found myself on their e-mail list when a .Net developer's group started using their templates and infrastructure to schedule meetings and invite their members
but there appear to be hundreds of small organizations

now I don't know if this is only exists in the Twin Cities, I kind of doubt it, but maybe since a lot of newcomers mention how difficult it is to 'make friends' in this community
anyway I would poke around and look for that kind of thing where you live.
My local suburb also has gatherings and classes for various interest groups that get published in their monthly newsletter -- everything from the usual pilates and yoga to birding and British history classes

I went through a divorce 40 years ago and did just about everything wrong, so this is my sense of what I should have done -- find some sort of loosely based social community that share some common interest and just start showing up.
 
#35
Guy N. Cognito had great advice as did others. It gets better with time, it just does, with some setbacks but the first month is the worst by far. I got divorced 14 years ago, remarried 7 ago, having the best time of my life now. Focus on your kids and your health. When the time is right to date you'll know....now is NOT the time as you aren't good for anyone.....just being honest.

I got back on the horse with match.com and my god it was one heck of a stallion to ride. Keep breathing and take things a day at a time.
 
#36
I've practiced divorcing twice. First one was hard because I had a son from that union. Took 5 years to get it done, and a lot of money. Got remarried 3 years after that and really don't forgive myself for doing that to me or my son (I had primary custody of him). That one was quite a bit easier though it did bring up emotions that I thought I had put away and it still cost me some money. But hearing my son tell me a week after she left how much happier he was put me to right pretty quickly. She was not a nice step-mom to him and admitted such later when she wanted to reconcile. In both instances I didn't try to change things once we got to the separation point and in neither time was it my decision to separate.

Now I am comfortable being single though I do have a gf. I bought a place for me and my son (he will eventually own it) but I am perfectly comfortable being alone and sometimes actually prefer it. I spend time with my gf and time for myself and am quite happy with it.

A 20 marriage that ends is different but if I can say one thing it would be to become happy with yourself, your time being your own person, and don't go looking to fill a hole in your life before you're ready. I know there are a lot of books out there that say just that but it is actually great advice. Take care of yourself, exercise and spend time with good friends. Play some music, look at this time as being for yourself and enjoy it. Don't worry about finding companionship, there are lost of women out there in the same situation you are in.
 
#37
I worked out twice a day, stopped drinking -- entirely, started playing my bass relentlessly, travelled extensively, and basically phoned it in at work for the first year.

After that, once all the dust was settling down, I moved to an awesome new town. The initial stages feel like an eternity, but in retrospect, it wasn't so bad.

Good advice: avoid ALL contact with your ex. Don't even bring her up in conversation with mutual friends. Also, don't get tied up in new relationships. Focus on yourself and your identity and interests. You'll be much happier in the future, so start laying the groundwork for your new life sooner than later.
 
#39
Of course it sucks!!!!! (for now)

I worked out. Got stacked. Then I got a young hot girlfriend. That held me over until I found my soul mate..... a hot redneck girl closer to my own age. :thumbsup:

Seriously. Go into self improvement mode. Work out. Do your job (whatever it is even if it's the fry guy at Mickey D's) better. If overtime is offered, take it. Practice your bass. Focus on things that will serve you well when your emotions cool down. Working towards something... ANYTHING will not only help get your mind of things, but the skills, money, health benefits, and other bonuses you can pick up during your focus stage will carry you long after you have come back around emotionally.

My divorce was the result of my wife having had an affair with one of my best fiends (and he was my drummer at the time). All of that was not long after my 20 year old sister had died in her sleep while off at college. If I can climb out of that (and I'm no hero..... just an average Joe) you can climb out of this. But you have to DO THE CLIMBING. Just sitting around expecting to float out of this won't work.

In my view, this is one of the few times in life where you deserve to be a little selfish. Think about yourself. Do somethings for you. Take up a hobby that you always put off. Train for and run a marathon. Whatever. Just pick something a grab it by the horns.

DO NOT (I repeat) DO NOT get into a relationship for at least 6 months. It will be a rebound for sure. That isn't fair to you or her.

The good news? There IS life after her. You just can't see it now. Find something intense to do until you can.

Best of luck with it. Holler if we can help. Hang in there! :thumbsup:

Yes, this is a bass forum. But it's a forum made up of humans. And, as such, we're all in this crazy life together.

OK, group hug and then let's go over to the refreshment table and get some coffee and doughnuts. None for crikker. He just started his get a hot young girlfriend diet. ;)

(I joke a lot. But seriously, this will pass. You will be where I am shortly. Trust me.)
 
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#40
Not divorced, never been. However I offer up another suggestion...

Get a dog. Dogs will give you unconditional love no matter how you feel, or how much time you give them. The do demand some exercise, which is good for you, and unlike your ex-, they will always be happy to see you and hear the sound of your voice.

Think about it.

I have had dogs since 1989, and been dog-less for exactly ONE week since. Can't imagine not having one in my life.
 

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