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Interactions with your bandmates... Friends? Or just Work?

DanBass

DanBass

Supporting Member
Jan 27, 2003
1,676
1,750
Gainesville, FL
#1
Back in the day, when I was in a band, we were all friends. We hung out, wives got to know each other.. It was more than a band, it was a social event, a circle of friends if you will.

That is what I was always used to. Band events, and non-band events, we all hung out. To me, it made the experience all the more fun.

My current band, I've been in for 8+ years. A few lineup changes, but myself and the guitarist have been the constants for those 8 years. All original, good stuff. But I have noticed that we all don't socialize. I mean we get along, but it seems to be business only. It's just strange to me. I am used to the friendships, the camaraderie. This outfit? Meh.

We practice, play shows, socialize well enough at those times, but when there is no show, no practice, there is NO interaction at all. I was on vacation for a week and then had a trade show to attend the following week.. The amount of interaction?? One text. "We practicing?" Straight-forward answers to said text and that was it. NO whazzup, general talk, nothing.

As I said earlier, it is just strange to me. Every band I was in prior, it was like "Band of Brothers".. This is not anywhere close.

Even though it's been 8 years and walking away is hard after so much invested.. the lack of "banter" if you will, takes a lot of the fun out of it for me. Makes you feel like a hired hand.

And since we are all original and make dreck - a hired hand?? Bwhahahaha

Just curious how others interact. I imagine every scenario is different.
 
#2
I once turned down an offer to be in a band because the leader was more than a little strange for my tastes (Which are not close to being narrow)--he gave me some stuff to read that was a little too freaky--and I couldn't see being around him that much.
If my co-workers were like that I could deal with it.

So I guess I fall in the middle somewhere--if we can be friends great, but we at least need to be able to get along--and it's more than simply co-workers.
Although I have become friends with co-workers.
 
#4
zontar said:
I once turned down an offer to be in a band because the leader was more than a little strange for my tastes (Which are not close to being narrow)--he gave me some stuff to read that was a little too freaky--and I couldn't see being around him that much.
If my co-workers were like that I could deal with it.

So I guess I fall in the middle somewhere--if we can be friends great, but we at least need to be able to get along--and it's more than simply co-workers.
Although I have become friends with co-workers.
Click to expand...

In the earlier days, seemed like we did more together outside the band, but that has all screeched to a halt in the last say, 4 years or so. And we do get along at shows, practices, etc. For me, in addition to the outlet of expression and making some good music, a band was always a social outlet. This robotic feel has taken so much of the fun out of it for me. And at 46 and it an obvious hobby, I damn sure want to keep the fun in it.

But like I said, leaving after 8 years is hard. So much written, involved, despite all the above, that band is a part of me. And hell, we are GOOD. But a part of me, slowly becoming a bigger part of me is thinking I would give up some of the good, and play with some dudes who have some fun, hang out, and enjoy it. As that is pretty key to the whole thing at least for me.
 
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#5
Gaolee said:
They become friends over time. I'm a day job type. If I did this professionally and had to do it for cash flow, then there would be some who would be co-workers and nothing more.
Click to expand...

Band has been around for 8 years +.. the time is there. And yes, we are friends in the sense of the word, but not friends. Hard to explain. "lets run to a guitar show... a concert... grab a few beers... grab the wives and lets get dinner"... etc. None of the above.
 
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#6
Been in both types of band and it worked either way for me.

Can't say I have a strong preference for it being one way or the other as long as the music is good and the band is getting out to play.

I guess it all comes down to what your primary motivation is for being in a band. If it's the social dimension, you want the family style. If it's the music then the community part outside of making the music becomes less important.

FWIW the best band I was ever in didn't have much going for it socially. Truth is we had a huge amount of respect for each other as musicians even though we didn't really much care for each other's company. Our backgrounds and personalities were just too far apart for us all to be genuine friends. So outside the band proper we rarely hung out with each other.

But we made it work for the good of the band. Because that was what was most important to all of us. And because we were all doing our best to be moderately polite and considerate with each other, there was far less "drama" in that band than in any other I've been in before or since.
 
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#7
I'm sort of an introverted guy, for me the playing is the social part. I don't want to hang out with anyone for long otherwise. I do occasionally go out socially with band members, but only really to be agreeable and because they like hanging out, but I'd rather skip it and it has no reflection on the people in the band really. I'd quit a band where I was expected to expend hours and hours just hanging out and doing nothing.
 
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#8
DanBass said:
Band has been around for 8 years +.. the time is there. And yes, we are friends in the sense of the word, but not friends. Hard to explain. "lets run to a guitar show... a concert... grab a few beers... grab the wives and lets get dinner"... etc. None of the above.
Click to expand...
That's almost exactly it. I'll grab a beer with one of the guys and do other stuff with him, but that's about it. That's one band. Another one has turned into friendship where I do stuff with them even though the band has fizzled.
 
#10
The members of our band are friends ... but not real close. All of us have other projects, one has a full-time day job (teaches choral music in a public high school), and pretty busy lives. But we converse on the phone and in emails between gigs, know each other's families, and occasionally have a dinner out together. We range in age from 75 (a very active and healthy 75 I might add) to 48 (the teacher). It's a comfortable relationship for everyone. In my trio, two of us are close friends, and the third is still a working stiff with a demanding job and a growing family, so we're happy he makes all rehearsals and gigs, and hangs out when he can ... again, very comfortable all around. My duo partner and I are just about best friends, and it shows in our performances ... we nearly read each other's mind. We differ a little politically and philosophically, but it's no hindrance to a close friendship.
 
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#11
DanBass said:
Back in the day, when I was in a band, we were all friends. We hung out, wives got to know each other.. It was more than a band, it was a social event, a circle of friends if you will.

That is what I was always used to. Band events, and non-band events, we all hung out. To me, it made the experience all the more fun.

My current band, I've been in for 8+ years. A few lineup changes, but myself and the guitarist have been the constants for those 8 years. All original, good stuff. But I have noticed that we all don't socialize. I mean we get along, but it seems to be business only. It's just strange to me. I am used to the friendships, the camaraderie. This outfit? Meh.

We practice, play shows, socialize well enough at those times, but when there is no show, no practice, there is NO interaction at all. I was on vacation for a week and then had a trade show to attend the following week.. The amount of interaction?? One text. "We practicing?" Straight-forward answers to said text and that was it. NO whazzup, general talk, nothing.

As I said earlier, it is just strange to me. Every band I was in prior, it was like "Band of Brothers".. This is not anywhere close.

Even though it's been 8 years and walking away is hard after so much invested.. the lack of "banter" if you will, takes a lot of the fun out of it for me. Makes you feel like a hired hand.

And since we are all original and make dreck - a hired hand?? Bwhahahaha

Just curious how others interact. I imagine every scenario is different.
Click to expand...
Do you try to initiate it? Have you tried to make it happen?

Also, the more members with families/kids are involved, with kids' activities and the like, it gets very hard to also socialize with the band. Sometimes the rest of the family also considers band practice/gigs our "chance" to socialize and more than that becomes "too much" band time to the family. Like most things, band socialization is much easier to do when you're younger and have fewer commitments.
 
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#13
we are cool with each other, but not super close outside the band.
We do super bowl each year, and a few other non-band related events together, but not much.
I still see them more than I see any of my other friends these days.

Back when I was in my 20's, yeah, the band lived at the same house, smoked the same pipe and screwed the same women. It was a blast !

Nowadays, we see each other once or twice a week for a 3 hour practice, then we go our separate ways, see you next week, or see you at the gig.
 
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#14
I've never been in a band for 8 years, so I can't speak to your particular experience. I took up playing when I was older, and even if I hadn't, a band of adults that get together to play but have their separate jobs and marriages and all is not going to be the same as a band of high school buddies who get together to jam in the garage. At least, it's going to take time before it takes on that social dimension, and if the personalities aren't that warm, might never do so. I don't know how old you are, but it may just be that you and your bandmates are older now than you once were, all the other stuff in life is that much more absorbing and demanding, and older people already have long-established friendships and are typically that much slower to get close with new people.
 
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#16
When we were young nothing could stop us. Fame and fortune was just a showcase away. We had shared goals, similar lifestyles and tastes in music.
Now were older and our lives have taken different paths. There's kids, houses, cottages, cars and debt which can't be ignored and force us to divide our time into ever smaller slices until there's very little left and we guard those moments jealously.
The older I get the more anti-social I become and I'm fine with that. People are overrated anyway. :woot:
 
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#18
I have noticed the change in this over the years. In the early days, we were a unit and hung together all the time. It was even sort of considered "cheating" to play with another band. Then as the early bands went away, it became more professional and only minimal hanging except on road gigs. When I went to Nashville in the mid 70s, it was all business for touring bands. The last touring band I was in was a trio. The guitar player and I got along, but had different interests. The drummer and I didn't get along at all. Rehearsals would sometime break down to shouting and throwing mics and ashtrays. On stage we were very tight, but we didn't even talk during breaks if it wasn't band business. Seems like now, the norm is to have bandmates that get along and may socialize on occasion, but not like in the beginning when 4 guys shared a 1 bedroom apartment and the living room was the rehearsal studio. I really miss that model.
 
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#19
Lets see - son's lego group on Monday, daughter cheerleading on Tues, daughter dance, which I miss to go to Band A rehearsal on Wednesday. Nothing on Thursday. Band B practice or show on Friday. Daughter cheerleading for football game on Saturday. Possibly a show on Saturday night. Lego competiton coming up all day for a couple Saturdays for my son. I talk to both bands throughout the week and we know generally what's going on in each other's lives. Even though I'm a stay at home dad you can see what my evenings look like. I was thinking about a 3rd band. Wife said no way. And I see her point. She told me not to quit when things were looking dim a few years back so she supports me, but balance. Therefore I Have no time for much socialization outside the music.
 
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#20
Roland GR 88 said:
When we were young nothing could stop us. Fame and fortune was just a showcase away. We had shared goals, similar lifestyles and tastes in music.
Now were older and our lives have taken different paths. There's kids, houses, cottages, cars and debt which can't be ignored and force us to divide our time into ever smaller slices until there's very little left and we guard those moments jealously.
The older I get the more anti-social I become and I'm fine with that. People are overrated anyway. :woot:
Click to expand...

I think you pretty much nailed the why of it.
Your last two sentences made me remember this:

They're rioting in Africa. They're starving in Spain.
There's hurricanes in Florida and Texas needs rain.
The whole world is festering with unhappy souls.
The French hate the Germans. The Germans hate the Poles.
Italians hate Yugoslavs. South Africans hate the Dutch
and I don't like anybody very much! :bassist::bassist::bassist:
 
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