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Interactions with your bandmates... Friends? Or just Work?
- Thread starter DanBass
- Start date
Of all the bands I've been in, the most successful and with the most longevity were the one's where people weren't 'friends'. We show up, play the gig and go home. Maybe a couple of emails here and there and that's it.
I've been playing with Redhead for almost three years, and we are just now beginning to hang out together. We're all over 40 (and some of us are over 50), and we all enjoy each other's company. We wrangle a lot at rehearsals, but it's usually in the form of good-natured teasing. But just recently we've started having little get-togethers; the band, band S.O.s, a few fans who are friends. I'm going to one in a few hours. We'll watch UConn sports on TV, eat and drink, and maybe plunk on an acoustic and sing a little, maybe even do some band business (all our start times seem to be moving from 9:30 to 8:30! Is this important?). I kinda like it (the first one was at my house, after our goofy TV thing). It's less tiring than making the club scene, and a lot more interesting than staying home and watching Anthony Bourdain reruns. 
Edit: A brief moment where everybody quit throwing cheese balls for a minute and pretended to look responsible:
Edit: A brief moment where everybody quit throwing cheese balls for a minute and pretended to look responsible:
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Maybe my opinion will be different because I'm from Spain and we're very sociable people.
IMO/IME it's a natural thing to develope some kind of friendship with the people you spend time most...
In my actual band we're friends and usually we hang out , we go to shows, to each other's house and so on...It develloped naturally after months and years of spending time toghether (rehearsal, shows, partys, weddings)..
IMO/IME it's a natural thing to develope some kind of friendship with the people you spend time most...
In my actual band we're friends and usually we hang out , we go to shows, to each other's house and so on...It develloped naturally after months and years of spending time toghether (rehearsal, shows, partys, weddings)..
Perhaps i'm not a very social guy; but I'm close to the OP: I'm in two bands. The first one is a jazz quartet. We all get along well, very friendly, but we don't see others out of rehearsals and gigs.
The second one, all original afro-ska-reggae-rock band, is a little different cause the singer who brought me is the dad of a beautifull girl whose my wife was the nurse. So we know each other differently than the others bandmates and have sometimes parties with others common friends out of the band. Next to that, the band exists since 15 years, and the singer have a friendly relationship with 3 other bandmates due to their common history from the start. The drummer and I are the new guys (since one year and a half) So i only see and get along with the band during few rehearsals (3 since one year and a half
) and especially gigs. Notice that we sometimes play two hours driving gigs; and staying there for the night. That let us have more sharing than just beers and music.
And i'm well with this situation, i guess it's my balance and don't necessary look after more than that.
The second one, all original afro-ska-reggae-rock band, is a little different cause the singer who brought me is the dad of a beautifull girl whose my wife was the nurse. So we know each other differently than the others bandmates and have sometimes parties with others common friends out of the band. Next to that, the band exists since 15 years, and the singer have a friendly relationship with 3 other bandmates due to their common history from the start. The drummer and I are the new guys (since one year and a half) So i only see and get along with the band during few rehearsals (3 since one year and a half
) and especially gigs. Notice that we sometimes play two hours driving gigs; and staying there for the night. That let us have more sharing than just beers and music.And i'm well with this situation, i guess it's my balance and don't necessary look after more than that.
I like my current band a lot, but yeah, I wish there was a bit more of a social element to it. That said, we do have the occasional hang out. And I wouldn't even begin to blame them, as I'm the only one that is married and has a kid, so my hours of socializing are a bit different than theirs, just out of necessity.
Though I guess I would still expect them to hang out more often together, even if I can't. I'm the oldest in the group by a few years, and while we get along great at rehearsal and shows, it hasn't yet transformed into that social event that I miss having from previous bands.
On the other hand, this is by far the most successful band I've been in. Possibly because rehearsals don't regularly break down into binge drinking sessions
Though I guess I would still expect them to hang out more often together, even if I can't. I'm the oldest in the group by a few years, and while we get along great at rehearsal and shows, it hasn't yet transformed into that social event that I miss having from previous bands.
On the other hand, this is by far the most successful band I've been in. Possibly because rehearsals don't regularly break down into binge drinking sessions
its more important to work well together than to be buddies. For me, I want to get along with my bandmates, but it's business. I no longer expect real friendships - because they often get in the way of the business of putting on a great show; and frankly, you can't trust most people. They will pretend to be friends to your face, but then turn around and stab you in the back. no thanks
Ouch. Well, I suppose I probably have different goals. Yes, putting on a great show and filling rooms is important, but not nearly as important to me as "am I having fun?" I have no desire that this would ever be my primary job/business, so friendships >>>> success as far as my personal goals are concerned.
But to your point, I would agree with you completely if this were my main gig. And in my day job/career, I do put more weight on business over friendships. It really helps with the uncomfortable decision making process.
I'm on the fence about this one. Like @Bunk McNulty I believe I'm in the service biz, laying down bass lines, so being friendly is required to a point.
I also painfully acknowledge that people will hire players that they hang with, so their 'boy' gets the casual more often. There's a very good funk band in Portland that is made up of players from various bands (Jimmy Russel's Party City at the Good Foot). Would love to play, waiting for the offer but I don't hang with Jimmah too often.
In general though, I look at these social arrangements as potential friends. I like people in most of the bands, usually someone else in the rhythm section, very often the drummer. Maybe as I've aged I don't look to make friends like I used to.
I also painfully acknowledge that people will hire players that they hang with, so their 'boy' gets the casual more often. There's a very good funk band in Portland that is made up of players from various bands (Jimmy Russel's Party City at the Good Foot). Would love to play, waiting for the offer but I don't hang with Jimmah too often.
In general though, I look at these social arrangements as potential friends. I like people in most of the bands, usually someone else in the rhythm section, very often the drummer. Maybe as I've aged I don't look to make friends like I used to.
Haha, my forum name is a nickname given to me by several of the bands I've been in, simply because I'm the most likely to help out with conflict resolution between the various egos at play. To me, this is my social outlet. I don't care how talented the players are. If I feel like there's even the slightest bit of recurring animosity, I tend to bail, as I'd rather spend my time with people who can get along.
We're all artists, so ego will always be an issue, but with the right group of folks, it's a manageable amount of drama.
We're all artists, so ego will always be an issue, but with the right group of folks, it's a manageable amount of drama.
My view on this has changed a little bit over the last couple years. While I do still enjoy the friendship of my bandmates, the musicianship aspect of the trinity (music / money / hang) has moved up in importance. Not that I could stand a situation where there was outright animosity, but as long as everyone in the band is relatively cordial, can work together, and the music is good I don't feel the need to be best buds necessarily. The money for me isn't really a factor either. As weekend warriors we don't make enough at it for that to be a motivator.
The guitar player in my band comes by the house a couple of nights a week. We really get along well and are great friends. The drummer is a great friend too but we usually just hang out for band related things. The singer, however, is like a brother. We have known each other for about 48 years.
Things probably wont change when and if this band ever breaks up, which I dont see happening for a long time. We are having too much fun!
BnB
Things probably wont change when and if this band ever breaks up, which I dont see happening for a long time. We are having too much fun!
BnB
Yeah, while I love music in general, I do the band thing primarily as a means to socialize. I consider everyone in my current band as some of my closest friends, and the lead guitarist in my last band has been my best friend for the past 10 years.
And that guy was actually a response to an ad I posted on CL. Go figure.
And that guy was actually a response to an ad I posted on CL. Go figure.
As I said before, in my country we're very social people and it's expected from you to hang out sometimes with your bandmates... Real friendship is a choice, but IME if you spend a lot of time with your bandmates (rehearsals,gigs,travels,recording sessions..) sooner or later some kind of friendship will appear...
In my case, the band I play has been around for the last 17 years. I joined them 7 years ago . After all that time and band and personal issues we developed a strong sense of brotherhood...We all have personal lifes besides the band , but we enjoy the time we spend togheter...
I always try and be "Friendly", but I save the term "Friends" for a select few and frankly I'd rather work well with bandmates and be "friendly" without "real friendship" getting in the way.
My bandmates are on pretty friendly terms, but often times schedules get in the way of doing much outside of rehearsals and gigs. With that said, we still invite each other on occasion to social gatherings and things. We just threw a mini baby shower for our violin player before our last rehearsal. I don't see a problem with being friends, its a good thing. I much prefer playing music with friends than people i barely know.
Ten years ago I auditioned and got a spot with a band where most of the members had been introduced through a local church. I was (and am) an atheist so I made a conscious decision to keep things very much distant and on a professional level. Over the years we've gigged alot and become relatively close. However I think the under-current of professionalism is a very positive part to start from and something that we fall back on when need be. We wouldn't just get together for a meal or to hang out; it's about business.
On the contrary I joined a tribute band where the guys were insistent on everyone being buds, hanging out, getting drinks after rehearsal, wanting to go on fishing trips together, etc. Nine months in I came to the realization that I just couldn't stand them and walked away, but left the door open for fill-in gigs. Since then I've done fill-ins for them and we get along great.
Professionalism is a skill that can be learned and maintained. Friendship is something a little harder to define and bands do best when people, at the very least, get along.
On the contrary I joined a tribute band where the guys were insistent on everyone being buds, hanging out, getting drinks after rehearsal, wanting to go on fishing trips together, etc. Nine months in I came to the realization that I just couldn't stand them and walked away, but left the door open for fill-in gigs. Since then I've done fill-ins for them and we get along great.
Professionalism is a skill that can be learned and maintained. Friendship is something a little harder to define and bands do best when people, at the very least, get along.
For me, right now, it's a little of both. I've had situations in the past where we were all very close, that was when I was in my 20's and I think it's different when you're that young. Then, in my 30's, I joined a band (as a vocalist) that was very highly skilled and we cut a few records. I was very wary of being too personally involved with musicians by then and I was always friendly with everyone, but I kept my distance. Turns out that wasn't a bad idea, because at the end of that rainbow were lawsuits, and I was one of only two members left unscathed by that debacle.
Fast forward to now, where I'm getting back into music after a long absence. I enjoy being around people again who understand the musician's personality and mind. So yes, at least in one of the bands I'm in, I consider them friends and we do sometimes get together outside of the band context. Sometimes it's just subsets of us doing dinner with our spouses, and sometimes one of us will throw a party. Rehearsals are a mix of work and fun. But we're all older and wiser and doing this primarily for two reasons: we want to have musical fun and we want to create a high quality sound that people will enjoy. I'm adult enough at 58 that I'm good with all of that now
Fast forward to now, where I'm getting back into music after a long absence. I enjoy being around people again who understand the musician's personality and mind. So yes, at least in one of the bands I'm in, I consider them friends and we do sometimes get together outside of the band context. Sometimes it's just subsets of us doing dinner with our spouses, and sometimes one of us will throw a party. Rehearsals are a mix of work and fun. But we're all older and wiser and doing this primarily for two reasons: we want to have musical fun and we want to create a high quality sound that people will enjoy. I'm adult enough at 58 that I'm good with all of that now
buldog5151bass
Kibble, milkbones, and P Basses. And redheads.
I have band members who are friends, and friends who are band members. One has nothing to do with another. I've been in bands where I never saw the drummer, other than at rehearsals and gigs, and we were tight. I've played with friends who were drummers where it never got that tight.
I'm in bands because I want to play good music, and hopefully make a little $$$. If friendships develop, it's a good thing, but certainly not a necessity, or even priority.
I'm in bands because I want to play good music, and hopefully make a little $$$. If friendships develop, it's a good thing, but certainly not a necessity, or even priority.
I'm still with my first band after near 4 years (same singer for 2.) I started playing after 40, and everybody is near the same age, though playing much longer (the singerbabe is closer to 30yo.)
For us it's first about creating and playing music that we really dig. The hang is 2nd, but in order to spend two 3hr chunks together per week in a rehearsal space that's not much bigger than a full size van, we darn well better not have any clashes or issues that we can't be grown up about.
I don't consider them best friends, but GOOD solid friends that I can count on if help is needed outside of making music (& vice versa.) Sometimes 2 or 3 of us will get together to meet for a drink, go see a show, help another member move, etc. All of that is more important than any money the band generates, so that's last on all of our lists.
They all are involved in either solo or side projects (for the same reasons) since I've met them, and I myself just recently got into a 2nd project with like minded folks, as well ... to scratch a different musical itch, but the Hang is important while together
For us it's first about creating and playing music that we really dig. The hang is 2nd, but in order to spend two 3hr chunks together per week in a rehearsal space that's not much bigger than a full size van, we darn well better not have any clashes or issues that we can't be grown up about.
I don't consider them best friends, but GOOD solid friends that I can count on if help is needed outside of making music (& vice versa.) Sometimes 2 or 3 of us will get together to meet for a drink, go see a show, help another member move, etc. All of that is more important than any money the band generates, so that's last on all of our lists.
They all are involved in either solo or side projects (for the same reasons) since I've met them, and I myself just recently got into a 2nd project with like minded folks, as well ... to scratch a different musical itch, but the Hang is important while together
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