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Introducing songs with dumb jokes
- Thread starter pklima
- Start date
jive1
Commercial User
"We're going to play an obscure tune that probably none of you know...." and then play Sweet Home Alabama.
Guitar player:"This next one is a song about my ex-girlfriend"
Me: "You mean you write songs about your hand?"
"This is a song about how to please your woman" and then we do "Going Down" by Freddie King.
This one's for the older guys: "Hey guys, we're real excited. We just got a record deal. We signed up with Columbia House to get 10 CDs for $1."
"Remember folks, do as the leper gigolo did, and leave a tip"
Guitar player:"This next one is a song about my ex-girlfriend"
Me: "You mean you write songs about your hand?"
"This is a song about how to please your woman" and then we do "Going Down" by Freddie King.
This one's for the older guys: "Hey guys, we're real excited. We just got a record deal. We signed up with Columbia House to get 10 CDs for $1."
"Remember folks, do as the leper gigolo did, and leave a tip"
So, in the early-mid 90's I was in a alt/pop cover band. Yeah, I know, but it was easy work and very lucrative, and being single at the time it was also easy to take advantage of the "target rich environment".
Anyway, we used to amuse ourselves with altering lyrics, as many bands do.
One of my favorites was the Toadies song "I Come from the Water" in which we replaced the last three words with "in your Daughter".
Of course there was also the RHP song "Suck My Kiss" in which we used a variety of words but rarely said or even rhymed with "Kiss".
Those are probably the least offensive and crude; some of the others were so vile that I won't admit I had anything to do with inventing them....
To be fair, I don't think anyone in the crowd ever caught on, it sure made us giggle like schoolgirls sometimes though.
Anyway, we used to amuse ourselves with altering lyrics, as many bands do.
One of my favorites was the Toadies song "I Come from the Water" in which we replaced the last three words with "in your Daughter".
Of course there was also the RHP song "Suck My Kiss" in which we used a variety of words but rarely said or even rhymed with "Kiss".
Those are probably the least offensive and crude; some of the others were so vile that I won't admit I had anything to do with inventing them....
To be fair, I don't think anyone in the crowd ever caught on, it sure made us giggle like schoolgirls sometimes though.
Me: "So, this next song is one by......um.....I can't remember there name.....it's like....a dairy product or something...."
Guitar player: "Yeah...shoot, it's a dairy product...um.."
Me: "Butter?"
GP: "Butter? No.....Half and Half? Yoghurt?"
Me: "Half and....no, well, maybe you can figure it out, here we go."
*Start Tales of Brave Ulysses*
Me: "Here's a thing....."
On the occasion that our we experience technical difficulties, we'll send the drummer up to the mic to start telling his famous 15 minute "Floopy The Clown" joke. He never gets to finish it, so no one's heard the punchline, but it entertainingly fills up time.
Guitar player: "Yeah...shoot, it's a dairy product...um.."
Me: "Butter?"
GP: "Butter? No.....Half and Half? Yoghurt?"
Me: "Half and....no, well, maybe you can figure it out, here we go."
*Start Tales of Brave Ulysses*
Me: "Here's a thing....."
On the occasion that our we experience technical difficulties, we'll send the drummer up to the mic to start telling his famous 15 minute "Floopy The Clown" joke. He never gets to finish it, so no one's heard the punchline, but it entertainingly fills up time.
This from a non-thinking guitar player in my cover band. "This is a Madonna song, I don't think there are any here tonight, are there?" as we launch into Like A Virgin...at a corporate function 
I was in a hard rock band but was personally a big metalhead. I kept bugging them to do a decent Judas Priest song and finally got them to do JP's version of The Green Manalishi (with the Two-Prong Crown), but the deal was I had to sing it. So at one show I start with, "I don't know if anyone out there is in a band, but here's how you pick out songs. Everyone lists off some songs they want to do, then you take the bass player's and throw them out. Well, I slipped one through so they made me sing it."
Not that I was bitter or anything...
Not that I was bitter or anything...
Our band has a bit of a "folky" rock vibe. We went on at a show after a guitarist and singer/harpist played a couple of cover songs. They werent bad, and seemed like nice guys. My fiancee was in the crowd nearby them as they watched out performance and the singer/harpist commented after one of our songs something like "Bob Dylan's already done that". So from that gig on Ive been introducing that song "This one's been done by Bob Dylan..." even though its an original song that sounds nothing like Bob Dylan.
Not mine, but there's a band in town that covers traditional Ukrainian folk music as heavy rock. The two singers only talk in Ukrainian, and the drummer "translates"
The singer will talk for five minutes using syllables I can't replicate, and the drummer will translate... every time, same thing: "this next one's a hit" in a gruff smoker's voice. Ok, sometimes he changes it up and talks about how the male singer wants to carry the audience member's babies.
I wasn't funny the first time, or the second. By the end of their second set, I was practically in tears.
The singer will talk for five minutes using syllables I can't replicate, and the drummer will translate... every time, same thing: "this next one's a hit" in a gruff smoker's voice. Ok, sometimes he changes it up and talks about how the male singer wants to carry the audience member's babies.
I wasn't funny the first time, or the second. By the end of their second set, I was practically in tears.
Not really between songs but even doing mic checks I always say
"check, check, I go to the bank to cash my.. Check, check, if I think my tires are flat I go.. Check, check, make my choice on the ballot with a.."
Usually whatever I can think of on the spot that will end in check, I use
"check, check, I go to the bank to cash my.. Check, check, if I think my tires are flat I go.. Check, check, make my choice on the ballot with a.."
Usually whatever I can think of on the spot that will end in check, I use
The singer in my cover band used to have us play "Genius" by Jet.
At the very end, when its just the vocals shouting the line before the band comes back in would often replace "That girls a genius" with "That girls got a p*n*s". Used to get us some laughs.
We would also sing "that girls a deviant" during the chorus and other purile play on words stuff...
He told us one time his female singer jokingly introduced "All The Small Things" as being about the guitarists junk, right? He answered, sure isn't about your a$$! Glad I wasn't there for that one haha.
At the very end, when its just the vocals shouting the line before the band comes back in would often replace "That girls a genius" with "That girls got a p*n*s". Used to get us some laughs.
We would also sing "that girls a deviant" during the chorus and other purile play on words stuff...
He told us one time his female singer jokingly introduced "All The Small Things" as being about the guitarists junk, right? He answered, sure isn't about your a$$!
Glad I wasn't there for that one haha."What do you call an empty jar of cheese whiz?"
"Cheeze was..."
Awful I know, but it works for all ages.
"Cheeze was..."
Awful I know, but it works for all ages.
Back in the 80's we used to do a Foreigner song called 'Dirty White Boy'. Oddly enough our drummer sang it and he was a 6'6" 300 lb black dude. I always took the opportunity to introduce him at that time as 'the Dirty White Boy with the incredible tan...'
I often steal a joke by Steven Wright when introducing songs.
"This song doesn't go a little something like this... It goes EXACTLY like this."
"This song doesn't go a little something like this... It goes EXACTLY like this."
An old band I played in had this sweet love song and this is how it was introduced:
Singer: I wrote this song about that beautiful bassist over there
Me: Well I wrote it about that sexy clarinet player
Clarinet player: And I wrote it about that fine guitarist
Guitarist: I didn't write this about the singer because he's my brother and that's incest
*Commence song*
Singer: I wrote this song about that beautiful bassist over there
Me: Well I wrote it about that sexy clarinet player
Clarinet player: And I wrote it about that fine guitarist
Guitarist: I didn't write this about the singer because he's my brother and that's incest
*Commence song*
