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Is it wrong to think you're unattractive?

#21
You say that it ain't happening, but think of it this way: it hasn't happened yet. Going by the pic that you said was from a long time ago you're not a bad looking guy. I don't know your age and I can only assume that you haven't changed that much and if you haven't then you appear to have youth on your side.

As far as me, I'm soon to be 60 and I know for a fact that GQ magazine will never have me on thier cover! I try to take care of myself, but I'm also to the point where if no one notices me........so?
 
#22
I know I'm not a 10 on the outside, but I'm closer to a 10 than a 5, so I'm fine there. I have a lot to offer as far as artistic and musical creativity, and I'm very intelligent.

Learn from your mistakes and learn to be happy with yourself. When you're not happy with you, you don't want to get into a relationship, because you don't want to subject someone else to your problems, so you lose your confidence and interest in a long-term relationship (at least have some one-nighters).

Once you are good with yourself you realize how much you have to offer to someone else and you can get into a healthy relationship. That's my experience. It took me a while to get here.

Best of luck and be happy with you.
 
#23
I wouldn't say you're unattractive (I'm a dude, sorry). I think you're pretty boyish looking and you obviously take care of yourself.

My wife has dated some great looking dudes and she's dated some chubs. . . and she married me, somewhere betwixt the two. I've never thought I was very hot but I did well with the ladies in my single life and found an awesome, pretty, and intelligent girl to marry me. I have features that I dislike (I think my jaw is too thick and my chin is too big) but my wife loves those features. It also helps that I make her laugh and that I was confident and in charge when we met and started dated. Now I'm whipped and slightly clueless.

There's bound to be someone out there who likes skinny, boyish looking dudes who are balding.
 
#25
I'm of the belief that there are already enough people out there willing to tear someone down that the last thing anyone should do is tear themselves down, as well. You're obviously in shape so that's a good thing, and you honestly aren't by any means hideous. You just look like an average, run of the mill kind of dude.

I'm curious why you think your wife finds you unattractive. It's important to remember that attractiveness isn't all about looks. Perhaps you aren't doing other things in your life that might be affecting that aspect of your relationship that you're unaware of.
 
#26
spade2you said:
LOL at 5'6" and ~120lbs, I probably am. I was never opposed to dating a bigger girl, but most weren't too keen on me since more than a few commented that I made them feel bad about their self image.



Strange that I'm so critical of myself.
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spade, you're not a bad looking guy. Quit stressing about your looks. From a woman's POV, we're far less hung up on your looks than you think we are. Make us laugh. Treat us with respect. Listen when we talk. Talk to us about yourself. Be confident. Those are HUGE to us.

In response to your comment above about bigger girls not being keen on you, as a bigger girl, I will tell you that IME, it's not how a guy looks that makes us get all defensive about our self-image, it's what he says and the way he looks at us. If your discussions with them are all about your diet, your exercise, your weight, your looks; you're sending the message that appearance is what's important to you.

I've been on dates with guys that ended with me feeling like a million bucks despite the fact that I was obese and I've been on dates with guys who left me feeling like I didn't deserve to live because my fingernail polish was smudged. Neither of these experiences had a thing to do with what the guy looked like. It was all about what he said, how he said it, and the look on his face when he said it.
 
#27
jmattbassplaya said:
I'm curious why you think your wife finds you unattractive. It's important to remember that attractiveness isn't all about looks. Perhaps you aren't doing other things in your life that might be affecting that aspect of your relationship that you're unaware of.
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Other than for conception, stuff has been off limits for quite a while. In an argument, she said it was because she's no longer attacted to me. She'll usually deny this, but eventually own up to why she said it.

I think most of it is that life didn't quite turn out like she expected. She grew up fairly spoiled. I kid you not when I say that she grew up with a cleaning lady and so did her mom. She also doesn't seem too happy about the home we live in. I could go on, but the basic picture is that she grew up expecting things to be handed to her. Between all that and my looks, it seems like she settled on me and regrets it.
 
#29
The lesson I wish I had learned long ago is: It's in your attitude and your self-confidence. God only gives you one body, that's it. That's all you get. Do your best with it. The rest of your appeal comes from your attitude and confidence level.

You think height has anything to do with it? Well, I'm 6'4", 200 pounds svelte, been that way most of my life, and I can tell you, there was a time when my height and build got me NOWHERE with anyone. Ladies. Friends. Bosses. Bandmates. Co-workers.

But over time, I got smarter about what is really attractive to others (and, perhaps more importantly, to myself). And all that changed.

Although I strongly encourage anyone to do the best you can with the body God gave you, you really need to spend as much time on your confidence level. And usually that involves improving your mind, your outlook, and how you interact with others. Take that any way you want to.

Hey, at the end of the day, you'll never make everyone like and respect you. It just isn't going to happen. But when it becomes chronic, well, maybe you should take a good hard look in the mirror and ask the questions, "If I were another person, would I like me?...Would I enjoy my own company?...Would I like to go hang out with me?...Would I feel comfortable in my own presence?"
 
#30
spade2you said:
Other than for conception, stuff has been off limits for quite a while. In an argument, she said it was because she's no longer attacted to me. She'll usually deny this, but eventually own up to why she said it.

I think most of it is that life didn't quite turn out like she expected. She grew up fairly spoiled. I kid you not when I say that she grew up with a cleaning lady and so did her mom. She also doesn't seem too happy about the home we live in. I could go on, but the basic picture is that she grew up expecting things to be handed to her. Between all that and my looks, it seems like she settled on me and regrets it.
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I had a girlfriend once who lost her sexual attraction to me because, as she put it, she could sense that I'd ceased to be attracted to her. It sounds as if this really has little to do with your physical attributes and much more to do with lifestyle and her expectations. Looking at your photos, you remind me a lot of a guy I know whose girlfriend is one of the most stunning women I've ever met (she's also super nice and intelligent).
 
#31
spade2you said:
Other than for conception, stuff has been off limits for quite a while. In an argument, she said it was because she's no longer attacted to me. She'll usually deny this, but eventually own up to why she said it.

I think most of it is that life didn't quite turn out like she expected. She grew up fairly spoiled. I kid you not when I say that she grew up with a cleaning lady and so did her mom. She also doesn't seem too happy about the home we live in. I could go on, but the basic picture is that she grew up expecting things to be handed to her. Between all that and my looks, it seems like she settled on me and regrets it.
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Ah. OK. This is nothing to do with how you actually look and everything to do with the state of your marriage. Marriage counseling, buddy. You look fine, that's not the problem here.
 
#32
spade2you said:
I met up with a friend whom I've known since the 2nd grade the other night. As we drank a beer and solved all the world's problems, the topic of women always comes up. When it came to dating, I really didn't. At 5'6", I'm a little vertically challenged and built like a marathon runner. As fate and genetics had their way with me, I'm now half bald. (THANKS! :spit:) Online dating reinforced the idea that my height was a big disadvantage, despite being successful and athletic. It seemed that a 5' woman who wasn't in shape had her sights set on someone 6' and built like a linebacker.

This is generally where people say that it's all about confidence, but I'm fairly confident and driven. When it came to attacting a mate, it wasn't happenin' and it didn't take a rocket surgeon to understand why.

As if dating weren't enough of a challenge, it's a little obvious that my wife isn't attracted to me, either. I suppose that's a different topic for another day.

Without getting too long winded, is it wrong to realize that what the opposet sex want isn't me? I'm not really depressed about it. I don't really feel like getting hair plugs. I work out a ton, which makes me even thinner, albeit more defined.

My friend seemed to think it was odd that I'm aware that I'm unattractive, despite me assuring him that I don't give a poop because they're mostly things I can't change.
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No it's called being honest. I'm 5'5", 120 pounds, balding and dirt poor. It may come as a shock but I'm not a lady killer.

BUT, I know and understand WHY. Confidence you say? I'm secure in myself. But when what you have to offer is severely limited, it really takes your options away. And if you think women aren't superficial about what they want/like, guess again. Given the options of tall/hot/money verses short/ugly/poor guess which wins? :spit:
 
#33
Tat2dHeart said:
. If your discussions with them are all about your diet, your exercise, your weight, your looks; you're sending the message that appearance is what's important to you.
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This is a Catch-22. My wife used the same argument in our last discussion about the lack of sex in the relationship.

I've put on a bit of weight around the middle and thought it was fair enough that the sex dried up because she no longer found my physically attractive. So I started working out trying to get back in shape for her, but then her reasoning for the sex drying up was that my efforts to look better made her feel bad about herself.

Be unatractive = I don't find you attractive
Try to be more attractive = You make me feel unatractive, therefore I'm not attracted to you.
 
#34
For some perspective, I'm 5'7", about 175 pounds, with most extra weight just where it shouldn't be, and before I got fat, I was too skinny. I've never had any money, and I have competed with guys who had looks AND money for total babes, and been the one to get the girl many times. That is not to say I have never lost. I certainly have! That is not to say I have never been rejected. I certainly have! That is not to say there aren't women who find me unattractive. There certainly are!

But the bottom line is, if YOU think you're unattractive, then you ARE.

It's important to be happy with YOURSELF.

It is more important to be fun, interesting, and for people to have a reason to want to be around you.

Women are generally deeper than men, and more likely to forgive looks-related problems. That doesn't mean there aren't shallow women, who want a rich guy to take care of them, or only want to date eye-candy, but those women are doing you a favor by rejecting you, trust me. I thank God for every woman I didn't end up getting with who could have destroyed my life, and I thank God even more for every woman who did me the favor of giving me some love.
 
#36
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