Is my friend a bad person?

[BurtMacklinFBI]

So my friend - I'll call him Bob - told his wife yesterday that he had to take one of his basses down to the shop to have some work done on it. Then he took an empty bass case, kissed her goodbye, loaded the case into his car's trunk and headed to the store.
At the store Bob tried out a bass he was interested in and discovered he really liked it. Bob had cash on him that he had taken from a hidden spot in his garage where he puts money from gigs and stuff he sells, so he paid for the bass, asked the store to set it up etc and told them he would pick it up the next day. Then he went home and just left the empty case in his trunk.
The next day Bob went back to the store to pick up his new bass, put it in the case, went home and told his wife he was going to go to his music room to test out the repaired bass. After a little test - just a few hours - the new bass just slipped into the collection with his other dozen or so basses.
Bob says he really didn't intend to deceive anyone... it just happened. Is this normal behavior, or is my friend a bad person?

Holy s@#&, yes Bob is a bad person. Not just for tricking his wife, but for lying about it afterward. Didn't intend to deceive anyone, my ass. The former is bad, but relationships can be weird and complicated. The fact that he told such a ridiculously obvious lie about it afterwards tells me he's probably a dishonest and manipulative person in general. What a creep.

 

[TolerancEJ]

I tell my wife when I plan to make a purchase. As the years have gone by, she has come to expect that I will try buy 1 or 2 basses per year. So a new box arriving at the door would not be a huge surprise to her. There's been reference in this thread to some wives also having expensive tastes and my wife is no different (travel, purses, etc). I say absolutely nothing when she makes such a purchase, but make a mental note for later. lol

If you are maintaining your normal expenses (shelter, food, etc) and you still have money available for the purchase, then it should be ok.

At this time our household income is reduced due to the present C19 situation. It would be very irresponsible of me to buy anything or start a new build right now. Driving me nuts and it's depressing. I already had gear plans for 2020 which likely will not be realized.

 

[cnltb]

So my friend - I'll call him Bob - told his wife yesterday that he had to take one of his basses down to the shop to have some work done on it. Then he took an empty bass case, kissed her goodbye, loaded the case into his car's trunk and headed to the store.
At the store Bob tried out a bass he was interested in and discovered he really liked it. Bob had cash on him that he had taken from a hidden spot in his garage where he puts money from gigs and stuff he sells, so he paid for the bass, asked the store to set it up etc and told them he would pick it up the next day. Then he went home and just left the empty case in his trunk.
The next day Bob went back to the store to pick up his new bass, put it in the case, went home and told his wife he was going to go to his music room to test out the repaired bass. After a little test - just a few hours - the new bass just slipped into the collection with his other dozen or so basses.
Bob says he really didn't intend to deceive anyone... it just happened. Is this normal behavior, or is my friend a bad person?

You say he used money he made from gigs and from selling things. If that is so, I do not see a problem whatsoever. Not in the least tiny bit. No problemo!
Do you see a problem?

The problem I see is that he seems to think he needs to hide money he makes from gigging and from selling stuff and that he seems to behave as though he deeds to justify what he does with that money. That I do see as a problem and one I really am glad not to have. Not a good problemto have, that.

 

[nnnnnn]

Bob says he really didn't intend to deceive anyone... it just happened.

So basically Bob lied to his wife and then lied about lying. A spur of the moment purchase can be explained as "it just happened", sure, but deliberately taking an empty case to the shop after a story about an imaginary instrument repair? If one is going to hide a purchase then fine, hide it, but don't try to pretend like the whole thing wasn't planned in advance.

 

[equill]

Bob says he really didn't intend to deceive anyone... it just happened.

That's the most telling part, to me. It implies that lying to his wife is such normal behaviour for "Bob" that it's no longer even a conscious act.
What else does "Bob" deceive his wife, and other people, about?

Either "Bob" is in an unhealthy relationship that he should think over carefully, or is somebody for whom deceit is just part of what he does (and therefore his wife is probably better off without him). I know people with a compulsion to "get one over" on others, and I've learned the hard way to insulate my life from them as much as I can.

Not validating this behaviour. It's toxic. Sit "Bob" down and make him think through not just what he's doing, but why. And keep asking "why?" until he finds and faces all the root causes.

 

[Volker Kirstein]

... and the bass was a very inexpensive Squier Mini P. ...

Well! That makes everything OK, then! (Unless you got it in Boring Black, in which case, shame on you!)

 

[alaskaleftybass]

I've snuck a bass past my wife, but she sneaks shoes by me, so I call it even. Since she can't tell my basses from one another, and I can't tell her 13 pairs of sandals from each other (and neither of us are interested in trying to figure it out), we have a tacit agreement of momentary blindness, in my mind.

Also, a Squier mini-p is a very different situation, than, say, a Pedulla...

Agreed. I read this as a somewhat innocent humorous incident. Bob is retiring down the road and for now is able to buy a bass. Wife doesn't differentiate between basses and Bob doesn't differentiate between nice shoes. People who judge haven't been married as long as Bob and me and don't understand. If it were another woman that would be a different story. But a mini Fender? Nah, enjoy the bass and smile about it.

 

[Peltor]

No need for you unmarried guys to be judgemental here, pretending to be political correct married men! You should be ashamed of yourselves!

 

[chris_b]

I talk about everything with my wife, including bass gear. So far her reply has always been, "If you like it, you should get it".

I usually don't. I have 2 basses and that's enough.

 

[squarepeg]

Bob was a naughty boy, and he needs to make amends by bringing home a puppy to give his wife a nice surprise.

 

[equill]

No need for you unmarried guys to be judgemental here, pretending to be political correct married men! You should be ashamed of yourselves!

Seriously?
I've been with my partner for 16 years now, and we've been registered partners for 12 of those. The practical difference between that and married is in the paperwork.
Trust and honesty (no matter how painful) is why our relationship works so well. That's a lesson we'd each learned from previous ones.

So yes, I'll carry right on being judgemental, without any pretending. And without any "political correctness," either.
You can keep the shame for yourself, if you're trying to justify a lifestyle of lying to your partner.

 

[40Hz]

A good rule of thumb: If you feel the need to hide something you're doing, odds are you know you're doing something wrong.

I don't know whether or not "Bob" is bad person. But in the scenario described I'd say he was definitely in the wrong on several levels.

 

[2tonic]

Well.......I would tell your "friend" Bob to get on the stick.
I mean, really......he's been off work for a month, and he's only just now snagged his third bass? What has he been doing with his time?
And why can't he take pictures till your wife gets up?
Does she have his camera?
Is she using it to take images of a more....um...personal nature?
You know.....snaps.......pho-tos.........holiday pics?
Wink, wink........nudge, nudge.......know what I mean?
Diversions aside, I think you need to make better use of "Bob's" time.


Oh, and you now have one more bass than you have cases. She will notice.

 

[sleddogn]

you guys know there isn't a bob, you keep talking like there is a 3rd person, lol

 

[Sid Fang]

My wife thinks I have too many instruments. She may be right. But we consider one another to be grown-ups and I have no more need for her permission to buy another axe than she does my permission to buy another pair of dancing shoes (that's *her* little vice, though far cheaper than mine). Fortunately, neither of us is in the habit of buying things we can't afford. I don't flaunt the new axes, as they do annoy her, but I don't hide them, either. To actively deceive her about it just doesn't seem worth the corrosion on the relationship.

 

[equill]

you guys know there isn't a bob, you keep talking like there is a 3rd person, lol

It's called a polite fiction

 

[Sid Fang]

Bob was a naughty boy, and he needs to make amends by bringing home a puppy to give his wife a nice surprise.

Unless of course she would prefer a kitten, a pony, or a nice little assault rifle.

 

[Relsom]

So my friend - I'll call him Bob - told his wife yesterday that....

Hmm.. seems Bob will even try to deceive us.

 

[chadds]

Doesn't it make life so much easier? :high five:

Oh he's going to be, possibly without the fabulous part.

 

[chadds]

Why be dishonest? Tell Bob.
Did someone grow up hearing no and is not able to deal with it?
Did Bob grow never hearing no and isn't able to deal with it?

Actually this is placing the wife in a position. Bob is deciding that she ultimately has say over him. He is making her the parent and he's the child. The child who wants what he wants and who can't say full on yes to himself without the subterfuge or no to himself.

What would happen if he said, "honey I'm gong to the music store. There's a bass down there I fancy?"
Is Bob afraid of her reaction? Why?
Is she unreasonable? Controlling? Or does Bob think she is but has never tried.

Is a bass more important than trust?
If she can't understand how important buying basses is, why not?
Do the work and get trusting. This feels like lazy. Or fear.

IMHO YMM and obviously does V.

Plus you cheated yourself out of a case.