Law enforcement confessions

[ICM]

Quick cop story from me. (7-8 months ago...age 19)
My friend and I were walking around late at night (1 maybe 2 in the morning) Smoking cigars and just talking.
All the sudden, we here a car zooming up the hill, they quick pull a U-turn and put the lights on.
The cop asks us what we're doing. "walking around, smoking cigars and talking"
Cop: "I don't beleive you, where'd you buy your alcohol"
Us:"we don't drink"
Cop: "alright what's in the backpack?" He proceeds to look through the backpack of my friend only to find a bottle of water, some saxophone reeds and piano music books. And more cigars.
He then deicdes to give me (only me not my friend) a couple tests, follow his finger with my eyes, walk in a straight line, alphabet backwards.
Somehow I fail all of them (I can't say the alphabet backwards how is that even a valid test) So he breathalizes me.
0.00 BAC level.

On multiple later occasions this same cop sees us walking around at odd hours of the night and finally understands, that's just what we do. We walk around, smoke cigars, go to turkey hill, repeat.

We make the turn to go to the front of the house, and RIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPP, the body bag rips and dead naked guy falls right out onto the sidewalk.

That's hilarious. Amazing story there. I would done the same thing.

 

[will33]

Your 2 types of personality examples and "numbers" oriented chiefs are the reason some of us have such a negative view of law enforcement. Over time I keep seeing more of those and fewer "relics".

You sound like one of the good ones, thanks for being a relic.

Also, I find your naked dead guy story just hilarious. My brother is a fireman, has been for several years. He says if all they did was put out fires they'd all be out of a job because there just aren't that many fires. A lot of them are first responders and see a lot of car wrecks, jobsite accidents, other types of medical calls, drunken homeless guys crapping themselves, other types of carnage, etc. He says some very similar things about dealing with the lowest in society and seeing good people during their worst times, etc. He says finding humor in it is just their way of dealing with it emotionally, otherwise they'd all go insane from being exposed to that type of stuff everyday.

 

[cheezewiz]

Did you ever do "waffle face with syrup"? Please be honest.

I think you're referring to what is locally known as a "screen test". Definitely not in the last 10 or so years of my career. In the younger and dumber days, I will say that an arrestee spitting through the "cage" on the officer was often interpreted as a sign the arrestee wished to be a TV star, so a screen test would ensue. However, never have I given a screen test without salivary encouragement, and not at all in the last 10 years of my career.

 

[tastybasslines]

Did you get angry when someone told you to go eat a donut?

 

[cheezewiz]

Quick cop story from me. (7-8 months ago...age 19)
My friend and I were walking around late at night (1 maybe 2 in the morning) Smoking cigars and just talking.
All the sudden, we here a car zooming up the hill, they quick pull a U-turn and put the lights on.
The cop asks us what we're doing. "walking around, smoking cigars and talking"
Cop: "I don't beleive you, where'd you buy your alcohol"
Us:"we don't drink"
Cop: "alright what's in the backpack?" He proceeds to look through the backpack of my friend only to find a bottle of water, some saxophone reeds and piano music books. And more cigars.
He then deicdes to give me (only me not my friend) a couple tests, follow his finger with my eyes, walk in a straight line, alphabet backwards.
Somehow I fail all of them (I can't say the alphabet backwards how is that even a valid test) So he breathalizes me.
0.00 BAC level.

On multiple later occasions this same cop sees us walking around at odd hours of the night and finally understands, that's just what we do. We walk around, smoke cigars, go to turkey hill, repeat.



That's hilarious. Amazing story there. I would done the same thing.

Backwards alphabet is NOT a valid test. I hear ya on the backpack. It is by far, the most common method of colllege kids toting beer. Im glad he learned it is "just what you do" and left you alone from then on.

 

[cheezewiz]

Did you get angry when someone told you to go eat a donut?

Nah I'd usually say " I wish the damned bakeshop was open at night so I could." The one that really used to crack me up was when someone said "pig". I used to respond with something like, "You will have to try harder than that to insult me junior. That one was old when you were still hanging out in daddy's sack."

 

[tastybasslines]

" daddy's sack" lol nice

 

[will33]

Did you get angry when someone told you to go eat a donut?

True story....

My gf had kids way early in life and has a couple grandsons now, at the time probably ages 6 & 7. She was walking them home from some event at their school in the little town where they live and was going to take them for a treat along the way, there's some little pastry shops and stuff around there.

As they're getting close to where they were going, there's a town cop standing out on the sidewalk. One of the little ones says, "granny, we must be getting close to the donut shop, there's a cop".

Cop overhears them and gives them a funny look.

Granny says, "that didn't come from me, they got that from their mother".

Cop just smiles and waves them on.

 

[MAJOR METAL]

Did you use your sick time as on demand vacation?

 

[joeyl]

Nah I'd usually say " I wish the damned bakeshop was open at night so I could." The one that really used to crack me up was when someone said "pig". I used to respond with something like, "You will have to try harder than that to insult me junior. That one was old when you were still hanging out in daddy's sack."

where I went to school, the police department had a pig statue dressed in a cop uniform in front of the station. That doused the enthusiasm for any pig related insults in that town

 

[cheezewiz]

Did you use your sick time as on demand vacation?

After I became burnt out, absolutely. In the two jobs since retirement, I haven't taken 1 sick day.

 

[GlennW]

When did "dick" get started?

I know it goes way back, and Colt Detective Specials are often called Dick Specials.

And there's stuff like "private dick" for private detective.

 

[Immigrant]

You are darn tootin that body bags aren't as strong as they should be. I knocked a corpse right through one once armed with only a Schwinn Stingray. Hit the gurney, body fell off and ripped right through the bag as though the stiff had fired up a chainsaw.

Body bags be trippin'.

Edit: I used that same Schwinn as a getaway vehicle when I swiped a billy club right of an unlocked cruiser. I was a horrid, horrid child.

 

[Fawkesguy]

Most of you know I was a cop for 27 years. Since Ive now retired, I feel ready to bare my soul. I will confess my sins, here and now. Cop haters, jump on man. I deserve it.

1. I have used my lights and siren when I had to poop really bad.

2. If a girl exposed cleavage trying to get out of a ticket, I looked at her funbags, and then proceded with either the ticket or warning.

3. I got free coffee from convenience stores who were open all night, but always left a tip that was at least the amount the coffee would coast.

4. I laughed at citizens, sometimes right to their face, when they were being dumbasses.

5. When a citizen told me he/she paid my salary, I usually ignored it, but sometimes responded with, (a) "They dont take City tax out of welfare checks", b) " then give me a raise you cheap bastard".

6. When a drunk and stupid citizen said "I'll have your badge!", I responded " If you can have it, I don't want it"

I will think of more in a little bit.

Do police officers often refer to their fellow citizens as citizens? Is that a "police thing"? Sincere question.

 

[GlennW]

In defense of the body bag manufacturers, I doubt if they build them strong enough to prevent people from trying to escape.

That would increase the cost, and the buyers would buy another brand.

 

[Unprofessional]

You old-school, "relic" cops are truly rare these days. My dad was one (city police and deputy sheriff) for many years.

Cops these days are very different. I used to trust LEOs absolutely without question. These days, I must admit, I'm a bit wary of them. That makes me sad when I think about it.

My dad loved the midnight ("graveyard" as he called it) shift. Back when the first Ghostbusters movie came out, he bought the entire night shift Ghostbusters patches and they wore them on their uniform shirts. They got into trouble for it but they did it anyway. He used to say that they were either bored ****less or up to their eyeballs in a parking lot brawl.

When they were bored in the wee hours, they would do all kinds of stupid crap. They would chase stray dogs all over town, play hide-and-seek and cover each other while taking naps in the back seat of the patrol car or visiting girlfriends. When the golden opportunity presented itself, they would catch a possum in a burlap sack so they could secretly put it into some other officer's patrol car. There was no practical joke that they wouldn't pull on each other. One of their favorites was to hide panties in each other's personal cars so their wives could find them. They had, basically, no sense. And, yes, they helped themselves to confiscated beer and liquor.

Of course, it was all business when they got called to break up a big (usually drunken) fight somewhere. One night, my dad almost got gutted with a knife during one of these brawls. The knife cut through his tie, his uniform shirt and his undershirt but only scratched his belly (this was in the 70's before body armor vests). And, then, there was the night when my dad rolled up this guy's driveway solo to answer a call and saw him on the front porch levelling a shotgun directly at him. My dad stomped on the brake pedal and layed down in the front seat just before the patrol car windshield was blown out. He bailed out of the car (still in gear) through the passenger door and returned fire with his pistol. The guy ended up dying a couple of days later.

Sorry for the rambling. This post made me really miss my dad today.

So here's to all of you relic poe-lice. You are missed.

 

[tastybasslines]

I've been in the back of a cop car a couple of times, after a bar fight where I broke a guys nose, (charges dropped) and a DUI a long time ago. Did you ever have any interesting conversations or have someone you arrested start telling you their life story? Did you ever feel bad when someone broke down and started crying? Or were you too jaded most of the time?

 

[will33]

Ever let a fellow cop off without a ticket or have one let you off when a regular citizen would've been ticketed or even arrested? *




* the history behind this....

Long time ago, long before I ever met her, my gf used to take her kids to the park to play and occasionally a bunch of off-duty cops would be up there playing softball. She found out about this from going on a date with one of them (didn't take a second date after she found out what they were really like). These guys would get drunk playing softball all afternoon, then all drive to one of them's house to drink and party some more, until some of them were so drunk they couldn't hardly walk without bouncing off the walls. Then they would all drive home knowing all along their fellow officers would never arrest them for DWI.

 

[will33]

In defense of the body bag manufacturers, I doubt if they build them strong enough to prevent people from trying to escape.

Now this is just hilarious.

 

[Biggbass]

I've have a JOP, Deputy Sheriff, and DPD officer in my family for years. The different personalities between them is very interesting, yet consistent in some ways. The JOP is an old timer and has been a JOP for a long time...he looks like Wild Bill Hickock, has a loud, outgoing way about him, and is a scary, obnoxious individual. He once shot his own dog right there in the backyard during a family gathering, because it bit one of the kids, a cousin, even though the kid was tormenting the dog endlessly. The DPD officer did overnights in a cruiser in Dallas for the past 30 years and just retired last November. Now he plays a lot of golf and in the 5 or so months since retiring has become a different person with a lot less stress in his life. He is the 'normal one' of the three and never talks about the old job, other than to say that DPD over nighters figure if you're on the road between 1am and 5am the chance is 50/50 that you're either up to no good or have been drinking and they look for ANY reason to pull you over. The Deputy Sheriff joined the dept when he moved to a small rural community years ago because he wanted to help serve the community and help keep the local kids out of trouble. Within a year that mindset completely changed and he went all hard ass on everyone, ended up with his wife leaving him and his kids not wanting to spend any time with him. He lost everything that was dear to him all for a low paying small town deputy job that ended up alienating him from almost everyone because he let the badge and gun go to his head. He has since left the dept and taken up locksmithing and professional safe cracking...go figure.
I'm in a band with two attorneys...one male, one female, both highly successful. The female is about to run for a judge position. Might be a good thing to have a lawyer and a judge in the band....