Music or Personal-space ??

[Hurricane Jimmie]

So Anyway, if this 'hang' is their expectation, they're bound to be disappointed with you. Tell them to call if they have a gig and need a bass player.
And don't be surprised if they don't call.

 

[EXCAV8]

I wanna be in a band to get away from the wife, not spend more time with her!

 

[DJ Bebop]

We always hang after the gigs!

 

[marqueemoon]

I often hang with my bandmates/their families and do non-band stuff, but definitely not organized outings where families are expected to join.

 

[DJ Bebop]

We always hang after the gigs!
View attachment 3725157

Us too!

 

[IamGroot]

I more or less strictly separate between the stuff I do with friends and the stuff I do with business associates.
Band members can be both, but more of them are business associates than actual friends.

I don't swing this 'we do something every Sunday' way. My Sundays are too precious for that.

Same here. Also I am more a hired gun than a band member, with some exceptions.

 

[Tnavis]

One of the members of a previous band was big on trying to get all of our families together to hang out and it just felt kinda odd; I like to keep my music life separate from my family life (except on the occasions when the family comes to see shows). On the other hand, with a different band, even though we broke up three years ago, I still hang out once a year at a big event they have at the guitar players place, bringing the entire family. That seems more informal and less weird, possibly because we're not active anymore.

 

[Marc DLarosa]

 

[LYNCHMAN]

HMMM...WELL, in 1995 from the beginning of the year to end, we did 3 laps around the USA playing some really nice places with big stages and some really crappy places with no stages where we played almost every single night, only a night off every now and then. but even when we were home we rehearsed EVERYDAY...5 hours a day on weekdays and 12 hours saturday and 12 on sunday...and we still found time to hang and be friends, wives and all. it was good!

fast forward 25 years...the band i'm in now...we're older with families and dogs and mortgages (which actually i had back then too), we rehearse once a week, 3 hours in the evening. while we don't see each other everyday, we do communicate pretty much everyday, usually about band stuff but sometimes its about inviting everyone to go see a band or maybe visit a club we're playing at in the future...sometimes we hang out and cook on the grill, talk band stuff and have fun...wives included if they want to attend...no expectations.

my band members are my very good friends, my brothers...i would do anything for them and they would do the same for me. we might not hang as frequently as my band in 95, but we do enjoy each others company outside of playing music...i think thats only natural if you enjoy playing music with them...

 

[bassstrangler]

Wow, a real friendly bunch of people around these parts.

Sounds to me like the band developed a relationship and want you to participate. Unfortunately you don't. If it's not your thing then don't make it your thing. If that means they don't want you, their loss and possibly your loss.

It doesn't sound creepy or cult like to me. It sounds like some people who actually have developed human contact, relationships and the desire to be around each other. Quite possibly this is what most of society is missing.

But hey, everyone has the right to do as they please, and hopefully the respect not to pass judgement on a situation they aren't involved with. Maybe, just maybe some people enjoy camaraderie, and sharing their lives and happiness with others. And obviously some people would rather not do that.

It's a rather cold world living behind a phone or computer screen. Quite possibly the OP makes the situation out to be more of an involvement than it really is. Or maybe these people are a bunch of weirdos and wife swappers who like bowling and brainwashing.

As per your rather oddly worded and choppy post OP, the question was "can we do this every Sunday?". The answer may be "occasionally" or "no not ever". It could have even been more like "this is such a great time wouldn't it be nice to do this every Sunday?". I wasn't there so it's all second hand from your perspective.

In short, it really doesn't sound like this is your type of deal. Be honest and maybe these "nice" people will respect your boundaries. Quite possibly you could give it a try and maybe you might enjoy it and it may lead you away from being a reclusive anti-social person. I'm not sure that being a self proclaimed jerk (from your earlier reply), is what most people want to be around anyway.

 

[Nephilymbass]

Curious (and maybe the correct thread):

How do folks *diffferentiate between "Being in a band with common musical goals", and "Being in a band with *expectations of personal life *exchanges".

One Band has an expectation that spouses should all join the band at, say, a Sunday Bowling Alley for - OK, maybe Team Building, but really a "we all need to integrate our lives around each other", as witnessed by, "Can we do this every Sunday?".

This is complicated by Two band mates being married for 30 years, and third who has know then (and played with them) for 25 years, and then there's me ... an outsider and frankly a private recluse.

I don't think it's gonna work ... any similar experiences and - lessons to share?

You guys are older and I’m assuming mainly doing the working musician/weekend warrior type of thing so I think you should do whatever you think will make you happy. If they have an issue with it then move on. But they might not make a big deal of it also.

Its kind of past those times but I will say for any bands wanting to ever get on a bigger label it’s good to have family Get togethers . One band I was in talked to two big labels over the years. One of them got into basically an interviewing process where they wanted to see how tight we were, Basically to see how likely it would be that the band would get signed and then break up 6 months later. They asked us each in one on one interviews about each other’s families and expected us to know basic things like our bandmates spouses and kids names. We knew the answers because at minimum our singer would throw a big cookout at his house to celebrate the end of the school year/beginning of summer type thing. We never got offered a deal that was worth quitting our day jobs over so we declined the offer and released two more albums on our own before calling it a day and moving on but I’m sure there are young bands out there with basically no bills to worry about that probably would have jumped on it.

 

[jdh3000]

Our BL will invite us over on labor day or some such deal when he's having a cookout /pool party. We take our grandkids(yes...) and let them play, but that's about the extent of getting together.

Usually when we set up we'll all go eat before the gig, if the wives are there they go.

If we spent much more time than that together it would probably make us dread playing together. I don't dislike them, but we're just not really chums... We all have our own lives and different interests.

I have been in groups where they wanted to be close and hang out. Not really my thing. Any day job I ever had I didn't want to hang out with my boss or coworkers.

The members of ZZ Top said "We're friends when were on stage.". They don't socialize when not playing and they've been together a long time...

 

[hrodbert696]

I think it very much depends on the people involved and the way the band came together.

Some bands start out as school buddies hanging out in the garage as teenagers. Everyone's all bonded and intimate parts of each other's lives.

Other bands are strangers who replied to a craigslist ad.

It sounds to me like the problem here is that you have the second type of band, but the other members have a fantasy of it being the first type. I would be gentle but firm in declining Mandatory Group Fun time.

If you keep playing with the same people over time, it's not unreasonable that you all will get to know each other and trust each other more, bit by bit. Great friendships can come out of music. But you can't just dive in with strangers and expect it.

 

[Nobis17]

Not for me.

That was the college or high school experience, back when we all thought we might the be next Beatles.

I interact regularly with the band I'm currently jamming with, but the music thing is my "escape" from everything else. I like it this way - My wife's book club doesn't expect me or our kids to join them, and conversely my band doesn't expect my wife and kids to join them for things.

 

[ThinCrappyTone]

If there was cocaine and potential for a little swap-a-roonie, I might go for it

 

[lfmn16]

If you want a musician, call me. If you want companionship, adopt a dog.

 

[casualmadness]

That's me too

Me as well...

 

[Robert B]

Just a matter of personal preference. You can take it or leave it as you see fit.

 

[dan1952]

I'm really good friends with all the folks that I normally play with. 3 different drummers, 2 guitarists, a bass player for when I play piano, a girl singer, been pals with all of them for 40+ years. However, I quit having band Christmas dinners, flag football games, or any other social gatherings, a LONG time ago. My wife and I occasionally have Sunday dinner with the BL from church and his wife, because my wife and his wife are friends, but that's the only time. Since I (and by association, my wife) quit drinking, the social invitations, both to and from our friends, have diminished greatly. No more dropping by for a beer or a glass of wine. Do I miss those times? Yes.
Would it be worth my sobriety to resume my old life? No.

 

[JRA]

depends:
some cats are worth hanging with. some cats are a drag. a couple of them (over the years) have been like family. mostly it's business. but it's almost always a 'friendly' process. respect for the cats you play with is a good thing. hanging with any of them is optional.