• TalkBass has been independent since 1998. Add your voice.
    Create a free account to reply to discussions, view embedded media, and browse with fewer display ads.
    Join free Log in
    Want zero display ads or expanded classifieds tools? Compare plans.

Music or Personal-space ??

Blue

Blue

Supporting Member
Jun 19, 2004
753
208
Southeast North Carolina
#1
Curious (and maybe the correct thread):

How do folks *diffferentiate between "Being in a band with common musical goals", and "Being in a band with *expectations of personal life *exchanges".

One Band has an expectation that spouses should all join the band at, say, a Sunday Bowling Alley for - OK, maybe Team Building, but really a "we all need to integrate our lives around each other", as witnessed by, "Can we do this every Sunday?".

This is complicated by Two band mates being married for 30 years, and third who has know then (and played with them) for 25 years, and then there's me ... an outsider and frankly a private recluse.

I don't think it's gonna work ... any similar experiences and - lessons to share?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Oddly, Mr_Moo, MCF and 3 others
#3
Blue said:
I don't think it's gonna work ... any similar
Click to expand...
I'm suck a jerk in real life that I've, fortunately, not been in this position. I don't like "the hang" unless it's after a gig in a multi-night gig at a casino where we're not going anywhere for a while. Then it's cool - to a point. I could never do the "let's all hang and often - spouses and all." nope nope nope nope.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Mr_Moo, jdh3000, SactoBass and 5 others
#6
I love my band. We hang out whenever we can. We get the spouses/kids involved too. We had a Christmas party. We've had several cookouts. We played our singer's husband's 50 birthday party. We'll hang out at my pool before rehearsal as soon as the weather breaks.

But that's not for everyone. Just tell them what your comfort level is. Tell them you won't be offended if they hang out without as long as they won't be offended when you don't attend non-musical activities. Simple.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Oddly, Mr_Moo, ChrisBowsman and 14 others
#8
It's great that a band can also be the social hub for the families. We should all be as fortunate. It's also fine to do your own thing and be upfront about it just as you wrote in the O.P.
I've been in your shoes many times being the younger single guy in bands of older married guys and although I appreciated the invites I was there for the music and they appreciated that.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Mr_Moo and Blue
#9
I went to my singer and guitar players little acoustic gig last night to support them. My singer's husband said he was glad to see me and that he hated that I never get out with them when they go and see other bands, which they do a lot. I told him I see them every single weekend. I'm glad they like me and miss me but, good grief, I got a job and kids and dog and a life outside of my fun cover band.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Shalto, Mr_Moo, jdh3000 and 2 others
#10
Not for me.

That was the college or high school experience, back when we all thought we might the be next Beatles.

Now that I'm old, and in the jazz world primarily, it's about the gig and the rehearsal. Exclusivity in musical relationships or "kumbaya" bandmates-as-best-friends just don't really exist in my musical worlds.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Mr_Moo, DrMole, Nobis17 and 2 others
#13
Blue said:
Curious (and maybe the correct thread):

How do folks *diffferentiate between "Being in a band with common musical goals", and "Being in a band with *expectations of personal life *exchanges".

One Band has an expectation that spouses should all join the band at, say, a Sunday Bowling Alley for - OK, maybe Team Building, but really a "we all need to integrate our lives around each other", as witnessed by, "Can we do this every Sunday?".

This is complicated by Two band mates being married for 30 years, and third who has know then (and played with them) for 25 years, and then there's me ... an outsider and frankly a private recluse.

I don't think it's gonna work ... any similar experiences and - lessons to share?
Click to expand...

My band usually does a rehearsal night bar visit for a couple of beers and snacks, friendly catch up etc and has worked well for years. We don't socialize much outside of that, though we do play a lot of parties that feel just as social as they are business. It's a good mix, our meets see pretty much always band related and we don't do anything outside of that normally. I think a bigger commitment of further socialization time with spouses and stuff is a bit too heavy for me and frankly, none of us really have the time for it anyway.
 
#15
I'm on the personal space side of the coin. Band is for playing music and that's about it. We are by no means best friends. Although I have played with the same drummer for probably 15 years....maybe more. Occasionally spouses will show to a local gig and we will eat together after setting up but that's it.
 
  • Like
Reactions: jdh3000, DirtDog and SactoBass
#16
Blue said:
How do folks *diffferentiate between "Being in a band with common musical goals", and "Being in a band with *expectations of personal life *exchanges".
Click to expand...

One is a band, one is group therapy. I don't need group therapy. Or, for that matter, friends. I like my bandmates and have known some for upwards of 30 years, but I don't hang out with them socially and have zero interest in doing so.
 
  • Like
Reactions: jdh3000, SactoBass and TylerJ
#17
It's never been strictly one or the other for me, but my current band is pretty much in its own social sphere, and I don't mix that group (bandmates, musicians, band fans) with other groups like family or friends all that often. I'm happy either way so long as nothing feels obligatory / uncomfortable.

It sounds like you need to set some defined boundaries with these guys; I hope that works out ok for everyone. Good luck!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Mr_Moo
#20
This would be a hard pass for me.

I'm a misanthrope, and frankly, only really like the company of my wife and daughter.

I'm down to hang for a few minutes after a gig, but piss on the idea that my wife and daughter have to be part of some extended band-thingy. That's their call if they want to be involved, not what someone else dictates.

And knowing my wife, she'd say "F*CK THAT NOISE!"
 
  • Like
Reactions: baldyheaded, 2strings2frets, Mr_Moo and 5 others

Latest posts

Top Bottom
Back