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Music or Personal-space ??

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Blue, Feb 28, 2020.

  1. Blue

    Blue Supporting Member

    Jun 19, 2004
    South East Penna
    Curious (and maybe the correct thread):

    How do folks *diffferentiate between "Being in a band with common musical goals", and "Being in a band with *expectations of personal life *exchanges".

    One Band has an expectation that spouses should all join the band at, say, a Sunday Bowling Alley for - OK, maybe Team Building, but really a "we all need to integrate our lives around each other", as witnessed by, "Can we do this every Sunday?".

    This is complicated by Two band mates being married for 30 years, and third who has know then (and played with them) for 25 years, and then there's me ... an outsider and frankly a private recluse.

    I don't think it's gonna work ... any similar experiences and - lessons to share?
    Oddly, Mr_Moo, MCF and 3 others like this.
  2. bholder

    bholder Affable Sociopath Supporting Member

    Sep 2, 2001
    Vestal, NY
    Received a gift from Sire* (see sig)
    Ewww. Yeah, that'd be way too much "togetherness" for me.
    Mr_Moo, dalahorse, RyanOh and 22 others like this.
  3. QweziRider

    QweziRider Supporting Member

    Sep 15, 2008
    Northern Nevada, U.S.
    I'm suck a jerk in real life that I've, fortunately, not been in this position. I don't like "the hang" unless it's after a gig in a multi-night gig at a casino where we're not going anywhere for a while. Then it's cool - to a point. I could never do the "let's all hang and often - spouses and all." nope nope nope nope.
    Mr_Moo, jdh3000, SactoBass and 5 others like this.
  4. el murdoque

    el murdoque

    Mar 10, 2013
    I more or less strictly separate between the stuff I do with friends and the stuff I do with business associates.
    Band members can be both, but more of them are business associates than actual friends.

    I don't swing this 'we do something every Sunday' way. My Sundays are too precious for that.
    Mr_Moo, MynameisMe, jdh3000 and 4 others like this.
  5. gln1955

    gln1955 Supporting Member

    Aug 25, 2014
    Ohio, USA
    Nope. No way, no how. I have a life and friends and family outside of music. I'm happy to put time into the band with rehearsals and my personal practice, but otherwise, stay out my life and free time.
    Mr_Moo, gebass6, MynameisMe and 6 others like this.
  6. two fingers

    two fingers Opinionated blowhard. But not mad about it. Gold Supporting Member

    Feb 7, 2005
    Eastern NC USA
    I love my band. We hang out whenever we can. We get the spouses/kids involved too. We had a Christmas party. We've had several cookouts. We played our singer's husband's 50 birthday party. We'll hang out at my pool before rehearsal as soon as the weather breaks.

    But that's not for everyone. Just tell them what your comfort level is. Tell them you won't be offended if they hang out without as long as they won't be offended when you don't attend non-musical activities. Simple.
    Oddly, Mr_Moo, ChrisBowsman and 14 others like this.
  7. Blue

    Blue Supporting Member

    Jun 19, 2004
    South East Penna
    That's me too
    DrMole, SactoBass and QweziRider like this.
  8. Roland GR 88

    Roland GR 88

    Sep 16, 2013
    It's great that a band can also be the social hub for the families. We should all be as fortunate. It's also fine to do your own thing and be upfront about it just as you wrote in the O.P.
    I've been in your shoes many times being the younger single guy in bands of older married guys and although I appreciated the invites I was there for the music and they appreciated that.
    Mr_Moo and Blue like this.
  9. Parzival

    Parzival Supporting Member

    Jun 16, 2013
    I went to my singer and guitar players little acoustic gig last night to support them. My singer's husband said he was glad to see me and that he hated that I never get out with them when they go and see other bands, which they do a lot. I told him I see them every single weekend. I'm glad they like me and miss me but, good grief, I got a job and kids and dog and a life outside of my fun cover band.
    Shalto, Mr_Moo, jdh3000 and 2 others like this.
  10. turf3


    Sep 26, 2011
    Not for me.

    That was the college or high school experience, back when we all thought we might the be next Beatles.

    Now that I'm old, and in the jazz world primarily, it's about the gig and the rehearsal. Exclusivity in musical relationships or "kumbaya" bandmates-as-best-friends just don't really exist in my musical worlds.
    Mr_Moo, DrMole, Nobis17 and 2 others like this.
  11. cnltb


    May 28, 2005
    For me it looks very similar, but the social thing does develop and grow at times also. When it does, it does it naturally.
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2020
  12. cnltb


    May 28, 2005
    Music or Personal-space ??


    For me it is and has always been an 'and'.
  13. InhumanResource


    Dec 28, 2012
    My band usually does a rehearsal night bar visit for a couple of beers and snacks, friendly catch up etc and has worked well for years. We don't socialize much outside of that, though we do play a lot of parties that feel just as social as they are business. It's a good mix, our meets see pretty much always band related and we don't do anything outside of that normally. I think a bigger commitment of further socialization time with spouses and stuff is a bit too heavy for me and frankly, none of us really have the time for it anyway.
  14. morgansterne

    morgansterne Geek U.S.A.

    Oct 25, 2011
    Cleveland Ohio
    That's not a band, that's a cult!
    RustyAxe, DrMole, SactoBass and 3 others like this.
  15. Runnerman

    Runnerman Registered Bass Player Supporting Member Commercial User

    Mar 14, 2011
    Sales Development Manager NN Inc. - Polymet, USA manufacturer of fret wire
    I'm on the personal space side of the coin. Band is for playing music and that's about it. We are by no means best friends. Although I have played with the same drummer for probably 15 years....maybe more. Occasionally spouses will show to a local gig and we will eat together after setting up but that's it.
    jdh3000, DirtDog and SactoBass like this.
  16. arbiterusa


    Sep 24, 2015
    San Diego, CA
    One is a band, one is group therapy. I don't need group therapy. Or, for that matter, friends. I like my bandmates and have known some for upwards of 30 years, but I don't hang out with them socially and have zero interest in doing so.
    jdh3000, SactoBass and TylerJ like this.
  17. TheDirtyLowDown


    Mar 8, 2014
    It's never been strictly one or the other for me, but my current band is pretty much in its own social sphere, and I don't mix that group (bandmates, musicians, band fans) with other groups like family or friends all that often. I'm happy either way so long as nothing feels obligatory / uncomfortable.

    It sounds like you need to set some defined boundaries with these guys; I hope that works out ok for everyone. Good luck!
    Mr_Moo likes this.
  18. Kriegs

    Kriegs Peace

    Feb 14, 2018
    Southern New England
    If you want personal space, don't get successful and have to go on tour :thumbsup:
    Nevada Pete and SactoBass like this.
  19. Madhouse27


    Sep 19, 2016
    Bernie, do you want to come to Sunday bowling family fun day? Um....no.
    DrMole and SactoBass like this.
  20. TylerJ

    TylerJ Trying to find the elusive Brown Note Supporting Member

    Jul 29, 2017
    This would be a hard pass for me.

    I'm a misanthrope, and frankly, only really like the company of my wife and daughter.

    I'm down to hang for a few minutes after a gig, but piss on the idea that my wife and daughter have to be part of some extended band-thingy. That's their call if they want to be involved, not what someone else dictates.

    And knowing my wife, she'd say "F*CK THAT NOISE!"

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