It's still leaving someone out. My point is communication would help alleviate perceived drama
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Not sure how to feel about this...
- Thread starter JC BASS 91
- Start date
Great OP topic; Thanks for sharing. Winner winner.
Wonderful response.
Feelings of resentment are usually the result of my mind's "committee" drawing conclusions based on interpreted patterns rather than reality. Sometimes I just need to tell it, "You've been working awfully hard. Why don't you take a break (and go sit in the corner and STFU)."
Yep. Though not sure I'd take the conclusion that anything was done to me. I'm not on people's minds that much.
Healthy/helpful ways of looking at it.
Good stuff. Diplomatic. I'd probably be a little more direct, though I like in person vs text for these kind of things.
"Am I part of this band?"
"Good. I'd appreciate being included in these kind of things going forward. Agreed?"
"Cool. Let's get to it then."
I'm also an old guy who's been doing the band thing a long time; IME the fewer words the better as long as the point gets made clearly and calmly. It tells others conversations with me that matter are not to be avoided.
So sorry to hear about your singer's cancer.
To the heart of your post, I've found that when I'm disturbed about something, the problem's always with me, not others. Aside from addressing "going forward" above by setting clear/calm expectations (acting in the present), my feelings and reactions are the ONLY thing I can control, hence feeling hurt is always my choice.
Beyond that, knowing little about your band dynamic, I'd probably choose to not be hurt by it, to not sweat it.
It also helps me to accept that the bassist is usually the invisible band member. We show up, we get it done. Sometimes we're not included because nobody worries about us; They know they can count on us.
Look at the bright side: We usually get a front row seat to everyone else's drama.
I embrace my invisibility as a bassist for peace of mind's sake.
BTW, peace of mind is usually a better choice for me than being right; I've been wrong more than a few times.
Wonderful response.
Feelings of resentment are usually the result of my mind's "committee" drawing conclusions based on interpreted patterns rather than reality. Sometimes I just need to tell it, "You've been working awfully hard. Why don't you take a break (and go sit in the corner and STFU)."
Yep. Though not sure I'd take the conclusion that anything was done to me. I'm not on people's minds that much.
Healthy/helpful ways of looking at it.
Good stuff. Diplomatic. I'd probably be a little more direct, though I like in person vs text for these kind of things.
"Am I part of this band?"
"Good. I'd appreciate being included in these kind of things going forward. Agreed?"
"Cool. Let's get to it then."
I'm also an old guy who's been doing the band thing a long time; IME the fewer words the better as long as the point gets made clearly and calmly. It tells others conversations with me that matter are not to be avoided.
So sorry to hear about your singer's cancer.
To the heart of your post, I've found that when I'm disturbed about something, the problem's always with me, not others. Aside from addressing "going forward" above by setting clear/calm expectations (acting in the present), my feelings and reactions are the ONLY thing I can control, hence feeling hurt is always my choice.
Beyond that, knowing little about your band dynamic, I'd probably choose to not be hurt by it, to not sweat it.
It also helps me to accept that the bassist is usually the invisible band member. We show up, we get it done. Sometimes we're not included because nobody worries about us; They know they can count on us.
Look at the bright side: We usually get a front row seat to everyone else's drama.
I embrace my invisibility as a bassist for peace of mind's sake.
BTW, peace of mind is usually a better choice for me than being right; I've been wrong more than a few times.
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This is mostly where my brain is on this whole thing...it's just a small, nagging section of my brain that points to my personal history of being left out and the hurt associated with it.
As I said previously, the guitar player even said on Wednesday night that he was impressed that I hadn't lost a single step since the last time we played together in February and the keyboard player and his wife both commented that they had missed playing with me, which is why I have mostly taken them at their word on the whole thing.
Since the news of Carie's cancer and her and Albert stepping out of the group, it has felt like we, as a band, have been trying to do what we can to keep it going. I don't know what the future holds, and I'm not sure they do either. It's just all so frustrating because of how awesome this whole project has been from the very start.
Hmm so, if I understand it...they 'auditioned' a drummer without the bass player.
What if it didnt work when you played together.
They didn't think to consider what a problem that could be..
I'm not sure I'd be convinced there isn't a power play behind the scenes.
I'd be wondering if we were as tight as i thought we were.
But maybe the drummer lined up the bass player and it didnt work, so now they want to continue as though nothing happened...only it did and a strand of trust may have been broken.
I think you need to get your head around what the commitment is from both parties.
What if it didnt work when you played together.
They didn't think to consider what a problem that could be..
I'm not sure I'd be convinced there isn't a power play behind the scenes.
I'd be wondering if we were as tight as i thought we were.
But maybe the drummer lined up the bass player and it didnt work, so now they want to continue as though nothing happened...only it did and a strand of trust may have been broken.
I think you need to get your head around what the commitment is from both parties.
Had our show last night and it went well. I didn’t have to bring the situation up, the keyboard player brought it up after we had all loaded out.
TLDR version: all is well. The “new drummer” isn’t ours, he belongs to the band that the two sub-vocalists have. The practices I wasn’t included in were for that group, not ours. Future of the band is still a little shaky, but he (keys player) has talked to another female vocalist that Carie and Albert had suggested and she is interested. He knows a LOT of drummers and is going to start hitting them up.
Long version:
Back in December, when Carie first started feeling crappy and couldn’t sing (the renal cancer, being stage four, is in her lungs, making it hard to sing without inducing a coughing fit), the keyboard player contacted another female vocalist that he knows to come in and sing Carie’s parts. She didn’t come alone, she brought her vocalist significant other, too. (I found out last night that I wasn’t the only one that found him inviting himself to be part of this unacceptable…but because we are all committed to “no drama”, they let it slide because we thought it was short term.)
So we began rehearsing with them to try and get them up to speed on our music and all the changes we had made to songs. I always felt like they weren’t really making a solid effort to actually learn them. Come to find out, I’m not the only one, and it is because they really don’t like the music we are doing.
We ended up doing the show in January with them doing lead work (primarily her). Then we had to have them for the first show in February as well. Both of those shows we had Albert as our drummer. The Monday before the second show in February (on a Friday night), is when the diagnosis for Carie dropped on us like a nuke. Keys player brought in a drummer friend (who, I will note, was AMAZING…even though he never rehearsed with us and came in cold to the gig and played on a kit that wasn’t his) to cover Albert.
That was when we, the keyboard player, his wife, the guitarist and myself committed to keeping our group alive in some fashion.
Here is where things take a turn. Sub male vocalist a short time later, decides he is going to call in his “favor” and tells the keyboard player, “We subbed for you, now you need to sub for our band.” And THAT is where I get left out, because they had a bassist and drummer. THAT drummer is the one that played with us last night. He is NOT our new drummer. So because they were subbing for the other band and didn’t need a bass player, that’s where I got left out. It wasn’t OUR band that was rehearsing, it was THEIR band rehearsing and doing a show.
The keyboard player, when he approached me after load out last night, told me all of this without me asking, beginning the conversation with, “I really feel like I owe you an explanation of just what has been going on.” He told me that he was talking to the vocalist that Carie and Albert had suggested and that she was VERY interested in joining up with us. He said he knows lots of drummers, but has a line on one that is looking for a gig that is supposed to be really great and reliable and ready to commit to a long-term project. For the short-term, the plan is to move forward as a combined group and do a few shows, mixing our set list with the substitute vocalists set lists with me on bass because apparently their bassist is unreliable. He repeatedly emphasized that this is short-term, because they all (keyboard player, his wife and the guitarist) feel the same way about the male substitute vocalist as I do and are approaching maximum capacity for dealing with his ego. I was there day one when he invited himself along to substitute in our group when we didn’t ask him to be there.
Anyway, there is a plan for our future together and I am part of that and that makes me happy, so all is well.
Thanks to all the suggestions from everyone. I’m happy with how things are going to proceed and it is nice to know after talking with the other members of OUR band that we have a plan in place for what is to come. We just need to get there.
All is well.
TLDR version: all is well. The “new drummer” isn’t ours, he belongs to the band that the two sub-vocalists have. The practices I wasn’t included in were for that group, not ours. Future of the band is still a little shaky, but he (keys player) has talked to another female vocalist that Carie and Albert had suggested and she is interested. He knows a LOT of drummers and is going to start hitting them up.
Long version:
Back in December, when Carie first started feeling crappy and couldn’t sing (the renal cancer, being stage four, is in her lungs, making it hard to sing without inducing a coughing fit), the keyboard player contacted another female vocalist that he knows to come in and sing Carie’s parts. She didn’t come alone, she brought her vocalist significant other, too. (I found out last night that I wasn’t the only one that found him inviting himself to be part of this unacceptable…but because we are all committed to “no drama”, they let it slide because we thought it was short term.)
So we began rehearsing with them to try and get them up to speed on our music and all the changes we had made to songs. I always felt like they weren’t really making a solid effort to actually learn them. Come to find out, I’m not the only one, and it is because they really don’t like the music we are doing.
We ended up doing the show in January with them doing lead work (primarily her). Then we had to have them for the first show in February as well. Both of those shows we had Albert as our drummer. The Monday before the second show in February (on a Friday night), is when the diagnosis for Carie dropped on us like a nuke. Keys player brought in a drummer friend (who, I will note, was AMAZING…even though he never rehearsed with us and came in cold to the gig and played on a kit that wasn’t his) to cover Albert.
That was when we, the keyboard player, his wife, the guitarist and myself committed to keeping our group alive in some fashion.
Here is where things take a turn. Sub male vocalist a short time later, decides he is going to call in his “favor” and tells the keyboard player, “We subbed for you, now you need to sub for our band.” And THAT is where I get left out, because they had a bassist and drummer. THAT drummer is the one that played with us last night. He is NOT our new drummer. So because they were subbing for the other band and didn’t need a bass player, that’s where I got left out. It wasn’t OUR band that was rehearsing, it was THEIR band rehearsing and doing a show.
The keyboard player, when he approached me after load out last night, told me all of this without me asking, beginning the conversation with, “I really feel like I owe you an explanation of just what has been going on.” He told me that he was talking to the vocalist that Carie and Albert had suggested and that she was VERY interested in joining up with us. He said he knows lots of drummers, but has a line on one that is looking for a gig that is supposed to be really great and reliable and ready to commit to a long-term project. For the short-term, the plan is to move forward as a combined group and do a few shows, mixing our set list with the substitute vocalists set lists with me on bass because apparently their bassist is unreliable. He repeatedly emphasized that this is short-term, because they all (keyboard player, his wife and the guitarist) feel the same way about the male substitute vocalist as I do and are approaching maximum capacity for dealing with his ego. I was there day one when he invited himself along to substitute in our group when we didn’t ask him to be there.
Anyway, there is a plan for our future together and I am part of that and that makes me happy, so all is well.
Thanks to all the suggestions from everyone. I’m happy with how things are going to proceed and it is nice to know after talking with the other members of OUR band that we have a plan in place for what is to come. We just need to get there.
All is well.
All is well? All is not well!!!Had our show last night and it went well. I didn’t have to bring the situation up, the keyboard player brought it up after we had all loaded out.
TLDR version: all is well. The “new drummer” isn’t ours, he belongs to the band that the two sub-vocalists have. The practices I wasn’t included in were for that group, not ours. Future of the band is still a little shaky, but he (keys player) has talked to another female vocalist that Carie and Albert had suggested and she is interested. He knows a LOT of drummers and is going to start hitting them up.
Long version:
Back in December, when Carie first started feeling crappy and couldn’t sing (the renal cancer, being stage four, is in her lungs, making it hard to sing without inducing a coughing fit), the keyboard player contacted another female vocalist that he knows to come in and sing Carie’s parts. She didn’t come alone, she brought her vocalist significant other, too. (I found out last night that I wasn’t the only one that found him inviting himself to be part of this unacceptable…but because we are all committed to “no drama”, they let it slide because we thought it was short term.)
So we began rehearsing with them to try and get them up to speed on our music and all the changes we had made to songs. I always felt like they weren’t really making a solid effort to actually learn them. Come to find out, I’m not the only one, and it is because they really don’t like the music we are doing.
We ended up doing the show in January with them doing lead work (primarily her). Then we had to have them for the first show in February as well. Both of those shows we had Albert as our drummer. The Monday before the second show in February (on a Friday night), is when the diagnosis for Carie dropped on us like a nuke. Keys player brought in a drummer friend (who, I will note, was AMAZING…even though he never rehearsed with us and came in cold to the gig and played on a kit that wasn’t his) to cover Albert.
That was when we, the keyboard player, his wife, the guitarist and myself committed to keeping our group alive in some fashion.
Here is where things take a turn. Sub male vocalist a short time later, decides he is going to call in his “favor” and tells the keyboard player, “We subbed for you, now you need to sub for our band.” And THAT is where I get left out, because they had a bassist and drummer. THAT drummer is the one that played with us last night. He is NOT our new drummer. So because they were subbing for the other band and didn’t need a bass player, that’s where I got left out. It wasn’t OUR band that was rehearsing, it was THEIR band rehearsing and doing a show.
The keyboard player, when he approached me after load out last night, told me all of this without me asking, beginning the conversation with, “I really feel like I owe you an explanation of just what has been going on.” He told me that he was talking to the vocalist that Carie and Albert had suggested and that she was VERY interested in joining up with us. He said he knows lots of drummers, but has a line on one that is looking for a gig that is supposed to be really great and reliable and ready to commit to a long-term project. For the short-term, the plan is to move forward as a combined group and do a few shows, mixing our set list with the substitute vocalists set lists with me on bass because apparently their bassist is unreliable. He repeatedly emphasized that this is short-term, because they all (keyboard player, his wife and the guitarist) feel the same way about the male substitute vocalist as I do and are approaching maximum capacity for dealing with his ego. I was there day one when he invited himself along to substitute in our group when we didn’t ask him to be there.
Anyway, there is a plan for our future together and I am part of that and that makes me happy, so all is well.
Thanks to all the suggestions from everyone. I’m happy with how things are going to proceed and it is nice to know after talking with the other members of OUR band that we have a plan in place for what is to come. We just need to get there.
All is well.
Haha ...Just kidding...Glad you have it resolved in this conviluted situation
buldog5151bass
Kibble, milkbones, and P Basses. And redheads.
I've had rehearsals with just vocals and one instrument. But they should have given you the option, even if they weren't using all instruments. I would tell them that in the future, you want to be there.
Oops...For those that don't know this Judge Judy Nugget of wisdom
I missed a line
If it Looks like a Duck
Walks like a Duck
Quacks like a Duck.......
It's a Duck
Sounds cool. I do a 4 piece znx thd singer can bring in gigs, put one of his multiple line ups together and go out as one of his bands.
It gets complicated when a venue books him and I become a sub for one of his other bands which had the same line up of our band.
He doesn't market it as our band...doesn't market it at all...and i cant do it under our SM.
It can get frustrating because it is hindering a very good line up.
It gets complicated when a venue books him and I become a sub for one of his other bands which had the same line up of our band.
He doesn't market it as our band...doesn't market it at all...and i cant do it under our SM.
It can get frustrating because it is hindering a very good line up.
All is well? All is not well!!!
Haha ...Just kidding...Glad you have it resolved in this conviluted situation
Yeah, it's kind of a confusing mess, at least in the short-term. I'm just happy that the topic was brought up without me saying anything and the air was cleared.
I really like these people and when it came to the band, we had lighting in a bottle, so to speak. Losing Carie and Albert has been a major blow and I think we are all four trying to come to grips with that. We want to keep playing together and by merging the two groups for a while until we can get a new vocalist and drummer up to speed seems like the best way for us to continue gigging together. I'm cool with that.
Had our show last night and it went well. I didn’t have to bring the situation up, the keyboard player brought it up after we had all loaded out.
TLDR version: all is well. The “new drummer” isn’t ours, he belongs to the band that the two sub-vocalists have. The practices I wasn’t included in were for that group, not ours. Future of the band is still a little shaky, but he (keys player) has talked to another female vocalist that Carie and Albert had suggested and she is interested. He knows a LOT of drummers and is going to start hitting them up.
Long version:
Back in December, when Carie first started feeling crappy and couldn’t sing (the renal cancer, being stage four, is in her lungs, making it hard to sing without inducing a coughing fit), the keyboard player contacted another female vocalist that he knows to come in and sing Carie’s parts. She didn’t come alone, she brought her vocalist significant other, too. (I found out last night that I wasn’t the only one that found him inviting himself to be part of this unacceptable…but because we are all committed to “no drama”, they let it slide because we thought it was short term.)
So we began rehearsing with them to try and get them up to speed on our music and all the changes we had made to songs. I always felt like they weren’t really making a solid effort to actually learn them. Come to find out, I’m not the only one, and it is because they really don’t like the music we are doing.
We ended up doing the show in January with them doing lead work (primarily her). Then we had to have them for the first show in February as well. Both of those shows we had Albert as our drummer. The Monday before the second show in February (on a Friday night), is when the diagnosis for Carie dropped on us like a nuke. Keys player brought in a drummer friend (who, I will note, was AMAZING…even though he never rehearsed with us and came in cold to the gig and played on a kit that wasn’t his) to cover Albert.
That was when we, the keyboard player, his wife, the guitarist and myself committed to keeping our group alive in some fashion.
Here is where things take a turn. Sub male vocalist a short time later, decides he is going to call in his “favor” and tells the keyboard player, “We subbed for you, now you need to sub for our band.” And THAT is where I get left out, because they had a bassist and drummer. THAT drummer is the one that played with us last night. He is NOT our new drummer. So because they were subbing for the other band and didn’t need a bass player, that’s where I got left out. It wasn’t OUR band that was rehearsing, it was THEIR band rehearsing and doing a show.
The keyboard player, when he approached me after load out last night, told me all of this without me asking, beginning the conversation with, “I really feel like I owe you an explanation of just what has been going on.” He told me that he was talking to the vocalist that Carie and Albert had suggested and that she was VERY interested in joining up with us. He said he knows lots of drummers, but has a line on one that is looking for a gig that is supposed to be really great and reliable and ready to commit to a long-term project. For the short-term, the plan is to move forward as a combined group and do a few shows, mixing our set list with the substitute vocalists set lists with me on bass because apparently their bassist is unreliable. He repeatedly emphasized that this is short-term, because they all (keyboard player, his wife and the guitarist) feel the same way about the male substitute vocalist as I do and are approaching maximum capacity for dealing with his ego. I was there day one when he invited himself along to substitute in our group when we didn’t ask him to be there.
Anyway, there is a plan for our future together and I am part of that and that makes me happy, so all is well.
Thanks to all the suggestions from everyone. I’m happy with how things are going to proceed and it is nice to know after talking with the other members of OUR band that we have a plan in place for what is to come. We just need to get there.
All is well.
Glad that worked out.
See folks, how a little communication would have prevented a band member from feeling slighted or worrying about their position in the band.
Ask them. Don’t assume things.
“Hey guys/gals, just checking we’re all still on the same page about where we’re going as a band. I would have liked to have been there to get a sense of the new vocalists and make sure we don’t t get rusty as a band. Just checking as it seems a bit unusual to not have invited me if I’m the regular bass moving forward.”
“Hey guys/gals, just checking we’re all still on the same page about where we’re going as a band. I would have liked to have been there to get a sense of the new vocalists and make sure we don’t t get rusty as a band. Just checking as it seems a bit unusual to not have invited me if I’m the regular bass moving forward.”
And it begins... the post-resolution helpful advice of people who haven't read the whole thread.
Excellent resolution! Now, I hope you're up for at least 5 more pages of replies from people who didn't read the thread, because after all, this is TalkBass.Had our show last night and it went well. I didn’t have to bring the situation up, the keyboard player brought it up after we had all loaded out.
TLDR version: all is well. The “new drummer” isn’t ours, he belongs to the band that the two sub-vocalists have. The practices I wasn’t included in were for that group, not ours. Future of the band is still a little shaky, but he (keys player) has talked to another female vocalist that Carie and Albert had suggested and she is interested. He knows a LOT of drummers and is going to start hitting them up.
Long version:
Back in December, when Carie first started feeling crappy and couldn’t sing (the renal cancer, being stage four, is in her lungs, making it hard to sing without inducing a coughing fit), the keyboard player contacted another female vocalist that he knows to come in and sing Carie’s parts. She didn’t come alone, she brought her vocalist significant other, too. (I found out last night that I wasn’t the only one that found him inviting himself to be part of this unacceptable…but because we are all committed to “no drama”, they let it slide because we thought it was short term.)
So we began rehearsing with them to try and get them up to speed on our music and all the changes we had made to songs. I always felt like they weren’t really making a solid effort to actually learn them. Come to find out, I’m not the only one, and it is because they really don’t like the music we are doing.
We ended up doing the show in January with them doing lead work (primarily her). Then we had to have them for the first show in February as well. Both of those shows we had Albert as our drummer. The Monday before the second show in February (on a Friday night), is when the diagnosis for Carie dropped on us like a nuke. Keys player brought in a drummer friend (who, I will note, was AMAZING…even though he never rehearsed with us and came in cold to the gig and played on a kit that wasn’t his) to cover Albert.
That was when we, the keyboard player, his wife, the guitarist and myself committed to keeping our group alive in some fashion.
Here is where things take a turn. Sub male vocalist a short time later, decides he is going to call in his “favor” and tells the keyboard player, “We subbed for you, now you need to sub for our band.” And THAT is where I get left out, because they had a bassist and drummer. THAT drummer is the one that played with us last night. He is NOT our new drummer. So because they were subbing for the other band and didn’t need a bass player, that’s where I got left out. It wasn’t OUR band that was rehearsing, it was THEIR band rehearsing and doing a show.
The keyboard player, when he approached me after load out last night, told me all of this without me asking, beginning the conversation with, “I really feel like I owe you an explanation of just what has been going on.” He told me that he was talking to the vocalist that Carie and Albert had suggested and that she was VERY interested in joining up with us. He said he knows lots of drummers, but has a line on one that is looking for a gig that is supposed to be really great and reliable and ready to commit to a long-term project. For the short-term, the plan is to move forward as a combined group and do a few shows, mixing our set list with the substitute vocalists set lists with me on bass because apparently their bassist is unreliable. He repeatedly emphasized that this is short-term, because they all (keyboard player, his wife and the guitarist) feel the same way about the male substitute vocalist as I do and are approaching maximum capacity for dealing with his ego. I was there day one when he invited himself along to substitute in our group when we didn’t ask him to be there.
Anyway, there is a plan for our future together and I am part of that and that makes me happy, so all is well.
Thanks to all the suggestions from everyone. I’m happy with how things are going to proceed and it is nice to know after talking with the other members of OUR band that we have a plan in place for what is to come. We just need to get there.
All is well.
